A solution for chronic LDR fighting?

[adriand1]

Me and my long distance SO have been fighting a lot lately. When I say a lot, I mean every other time we talk, and when I say lately, I mean for the past three or four months. The main reason why I get aggravated with him and pick fights is because of the distance and because he lied to me about his plan to close the distance. We've been together for three years now, and our trust is really gone, and he has no time to talk because he is constantly stressed with his job, but neither of us want to leave. Is it possible to repair the relationship long distance, or do you guys think it would be a better idea to just take a six month break from communicating and wait until I have the flexibility to move to his city so we can work it out in the same place?

[ioanna]

is there any possibility for a visit anytime soon?

if you feel your trust is gone, you have to find a way to get it back. for some reasons i'd rather not get into right now my SO and I went through a very rough time a few years back, and had lust trust in each other. it took us a long time to get it back, but we are closer and stronger now than ever. we needed to take a step back and be selective of the time we spent together. try and have dates where you can focus on getting back to know each other in a very open way, don't focus too much on the daily things, imagine you are just meeting again. this helped a lot for us.

i hope things work out for you two. don't stress out too much. from your other thread, i can totally understand you'd be disappointed in your closing the distance change of plans... but it isn't a bad thing, and from the looks of it, it's even a good thing. you're getting to see a side of each other you hadn't seen before...

[Jgui]

Is there any way to plan a visit sometime soon?

I think what's important now is to work on getting the trust back into the relationship. I have been in relationship before where I know it wasn't going anywhere but none of us want to leave because we're comfortable with each other. I think it's possible to repair a relationship no matter if it's LDR or CD, as long as both parties are willing to pitch in the work it is possible.

Maybe instead of taking a 6 month break and then see if it's fixable when you move to him use this time to reflect on your relationship with him and see if this is really what you want.

No matter what you chose I wish you the best

[adriand1]

Thanks, guys. Yeah, we are planning on seeing each other (very briefly, since he works all weekend) over Thanksgiving weekend, and have already agreed to talk about what's going on with us then. You're probably both right. We probably need to take a step back and realize that now matter how much either of us wants this to be the same as it was when we first started out, it isn't anymore, and get to know each other again, preferably through visits in person, since we are only three hours away from each other, and I probably do need to take the time between now and June-ish to think about why we're together and whether or not this is something I'm still willing to work for.

ioanna, how long did it take you guys to gain each other's trust back? And how much did you have to talk to each other about why you both lost trust in each other? Because I don't want to beat that horse to death, as I'm prone to do.

[ioanna]

Its great that you will get to see eachother soon. It is so much easier to deal with these things in person i hope it goes well!

It took us about two years to regain complete 100% trust. But it took us much less to trust in eachothers intentions and commitment towards eachother, about a few months. Our issue was very delicate, and mixed up with various things, so we had to peel through lots oF levels, and for months things would be perfect then something woulld pop back from the past.. Thats why i said two years..

[Xanahtas]

Breaks dont work, they just make it worse i feel. Its very possible to repair, it'll take time and work to build the trust back. I agree with the previous posts

[Kerry]

if you are planning on moving there I think it would be best if you weren't fighting all the time. i know if it was my bf and I fighting all the time and I still moved to be closer to him and we broke up.....devastated.

[Bethypoo]

I dont think breaks are never really a great idea. Maybe if you take two or three days to yourself that is one thing. But 6 months is a huge deal. If there is anyway you could see each other that would be best. But if not, I would really suggest the two or three days to yourself. Really think about what you do and dont want and what you are getting out of the relationship.

Eventually one of you is going to have to relocate, and if neither are willing to do that, then maybe you need to reevaluate the relationship. You cant take the stress of the distance out on each other. My SO and I did this after one separation and it almost was the end of us. You really just need to communicate how you feel about EVERYTHING.

Whether or not the relationship can be repaired is up to the two of you. You just need to decide if trust can be rebuild and what is the real reason neither of you are willing to relocate. This is something that should have come up awhile ago. But, in my opinion, a 6month break is not the answer.

[annb8888]

Trust should be in ALL kinds of relationships, even if it's not a LDR.

if you said the "trust is gone" it will be really hard to get it back but it's not impossible to do so. Why did you guys lose trust anyway? Because he lied on closing the distance? I'm going to be very blunt, does your SO promise you about closing the distance because that's what you want to hear? Maybe he is unable to do so right now, maybe he lack funds or he can't lose his job right now or he will have a hard time finding a job in your area?

Sometimes, men say one thing in dire hopes to end an argument and you did say you pick the fights because he lied about closing the distance. I suggest you relax and breathe and think. Analyze why he can't close the distance now. Try to put yourself in his shoes - do you pressure him too much? You have to talk it out with him - calmly. Listen. then, compromise. If he can't close the distance, is there a chance, you could do it for him?

I hope it works out well.