The End?? is distance killing us?

[Globetrotter]

Hallo all together,

this is actually my first thread here so I am quite new.

Now to my story. Me and my boyfriend we are together more then 2 years 3 month now out of the 2 years and we had had 1 year of LDR Distance from Spain to Sweden and that was hard enough. Then I moved to Spain after my studies searched a job and luckily found one. So far so good. Distance closed. The only problem he did not want to move together with me, so I had to live in a shared apartment with some girls. I thought that when I moved there eventually he would realize that we should move together because we would see each other every day. But it did not happen and in the end I got fed up with my Job which paid a lousy salary and I had to work a lot of overtime and I moved back to Sweden when I found a better job. Before applying for this job I discussed the issue with him though and he said we would manage that and he would move to study in Sweden next year in August.

Ok I thought when I finally got the offer. We can do this it is only 11 month of distance we have done that before right. But now 3 month in to the Distance relationship he has also found a new job back in Spain and of course does not want to leave this job to move to Sweden. So I do not know what to do really. I have no problems fighting for a relationship but I feel it is always me fighting. Because my company has an office in Madrid he expects me to move back to Madrid. But I do not know if I really want that. I would like him to live at least some time in Sweden to see if he likes it and then decide where we want to live. Anyways right now I do not see myself growing old in Madrid. The social system is 10 times better in Sweden.

I do not really know what to do? At this moment I only see a long distance relationship without end and it is so energy consuming. Is it wrong from me to expect that he should follow me this time?

Sorry for this long thread but I just had to write my concerns down.

[Joyce:)]

I see your point, you've been there, you've seen how spain works, you exposed yourself in a new country in order to be with him. It would be nice if he could give sweden a go, especially since it's not all about him, it takes two people in a relationship to make things work.
But now he has a job, so probably closing the distance either way isn't possible. You are not expected to go to madrid just to make him happy if that won't benefit you too. Girls tend to be the ones expected to drop everything, and in some times it works out well, but it doesn't mean you should pack your things and leave again just because he wants you to. Be patient, keep the relationship long distance as long as you can, and try to remind him that you've already done your part, and that he could help out too.

---------- Post added at 07:51 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:51 PM ----------

Oh, and by the way, welcome to the site!

[Jgui]

I understand where you're coming from. You feel as if you're the only person in the relationship trying to make an effort to keep it alive. Did you ask him why he didn't want to move in with you while you were in Spain? I would think he be glad to close to distance and finally get to see you daily when you moved to Spain for him.

Have you tried talking to him asking where the relationship is going? What does he want to do? Does he see a future with you? He shouldn't expect you do be the only one putting an effort into making the relationship work. It takes 2 person to have a relationship so it'll take 2 to make it work.

I do not think it's wrong to expect him to make an effort to keeping your relationship alive. But I honestly believe what's important is for you to figure out if this as you claimed "no-end-date long distance" what you want. Is this what he really wants.

[Petals]

I don't know your ages, but I would not suggest relocating for him without a serious discussion about the direction of the relationship and a greater level of commitment from him. You need to think about your career and your goals and if he doesn't see a longterm future with you then there's no point uprooting yourself again. Don't assume anything, simply ask him in a loving manner. Whatever you say, avoid saying that "I ALWAYS sacrifice..." because he will get defensive and the conversation will be unproductive.

All the best!

[Kerry]

I think the advice of staying LD is a good idea- at least for now. also, having a conversation where your bf sees you in the future would also be a good idea. you could also tell him where you'd like to be too.

[Globetrotter]

First of all,

Thanks to all of you for the good advice. It is good to get some advice from the outside.

He did not want to move together when I moved to Spain because of cultural differences I think. In Spain you usually stay with your parents until you marry. In the End when I moved back to Sweden he admitted that it was a mistake and that he should have moved out of his parents house. But then it was already too late. Actually we have had this future talk quite some times already. Much more than once I can tell you. Actually the reason why I moved back to Sweden was because I did not see that I would have the chance to have a good career in Spain. I think the real problem is I do not see my future in Spain to be honest. I probably could go there for one or two more years, but I cannot seeing myself growing old in this country even though it is a great country.

The problem is that when I ask him if he sees a future with me the only answer I get is maybe. But a maybe is not enough for me. I also told him that I am open to move to another country it does not necessarily have to be Sweden. So that we build something up in a different country. On neutral ground so to say. That I do not feel I would give up everything for him while he does not have to change anything.

I will see him again in the End of December and I think we will have to have a long talk then. I really love him and I think he loves me, but sometimes just love is probably not enough.

I will definitely follow Ally's advice to not say "I always sacrifice...". He is a very intelligent and calm person and I think he will understand if we will just have a calm talk about how to shape our future.