Did I say too much?/ advice please

[cwarbs]

So my SO and I spent a wonderful weekend at home from college together for Thanksgiving break but tonight when we said goodbye, everything kind of fell apart. I always get more upset about leaving than he does but tonight it was so different. I usually try not to cry because I know he doesn't like it but leaving him this time was especially hard because of all of the stress I will be under at school when I get back. I cried a little and he got upset with me. He told me he didn't understand how I could be getting so emotional when we both know we'll see each other in 3 weeks. Then I asked him if he even feels bad when I leave and he told me that he does but he doesn't feel bad enough to have a strong reaction like I did. Long story short: we talked about us and I told him how I feel upset when I have to leave because I hate being away from him and it sucks that we both have to live such different lives away from each other. He told me that he feels that he shouldn't be my whole world and that I should be able to function just fine without him because he is just fine without me there and that he focuses on other things and hardly ever thinks about missing me.

On my drive home I hated leaving like that so I decided to call him and talk this out more. I have had a lot of feelings bottled up inside for a while and I just wanted to get everything out. I told him that I felt like he hadn't been putting enough effort into our relationship (in the form on communication) and that I sometimes feel like I'm not a priority anymore. He responded that he understood where I was coming from but he said he was too tired to talk about anything and that we could keep talking in the morning.

So here I am now not knowing what to do or what to think. I know he has been under a lot of stress lately, he joined a fraternity, has been having a hard time in school, and just stared a new treatment for his skin problem and I know it is taking a toll on him. In general, he is not a very emotional person but over the almost 3 years we have been together (all but the past 3ish months were CD) he has always been very open with me about how he feels. I know he doesn't want to break up or anything but I'm afraid that I either made him feel awful about himself as a boyfriend or I made him think that I'm unhappy in our relationship. For the most part, I am very happy. But, with him being busy at school with his frat and school work, I don't get to talk to him as much and I feel like I am no longer a priority and it sucks. I mean I guess this is the nature of LDRs: both people have to go on living their lives. But I always feel like I give 110% to the communication in our relationship even tough I'm busy too and I wish I felt like he did the same.

All I really want to happen is for him to wake up tomorrow and have us both apologize and move on. I'm afraid that he's going to decide I'm not worth it anymore. I know I shouldn't feel like this after I told him that and he said he would never think I'm not worth it and that if he were to, he would make sure I know. The whole time we've been together, we've never really had anything like this. We hardly ever fight or anything so I guess I just don't know how to handle conflict.

So I guess what I'm really asking for is advice. What should I do? Is there any way to make him see how leaving hurts? Should I be worried that he doesn't miss me like crazy the way I miss him? Also, what should I say to him tomorrow morning when we call each other and talk? I was thinking about writing him a letter and just reading it so I know I will get everything I want to say out and say it the way I want to.

I just need help!

[mllebamako]

I think it's fine that you told him your feelings. It's always best to be open and honest. Like you said, he's been busy and really stressed and maybe he just needed a little reminder to keep you as one of his top priorities.

As for you worrying that he doesn't miss you, just remember that everyone deals with long distance differently. When we were LD, I had a few hard times and I definitely missed him, but it didn't take over my life and I wasn't totally miserable without him. He's the same way. He didn't cry whenever I left and he didn't spend a lot of time telling me that he missed me. We both knew we missed each other and wished it didn't have to be like this, but we also knew that it was easier to accept the reality of the situation and make the best of it.

Tomorrow when you guys talk, I would just reiterate what you already said, that you understand that he is going through a hard time but you feel like he's maybe let communication drop out a bit as a top priority.

[annb8888]

cwarbs, first of all, never attach yourself to anything in this world. Be it money, boyfriend, friends, even husbands. The worst thing that happens to attachment is never recovering from any fall. This doesn't mean you love him less, this only means you try to become more independent - in the aspect of feelings.

But let me tell you this, guys like girls who are independent. Those who can stand on their own feet. He said to you to not make him your whole world and that he's fine without you. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. This only means that he wants you to be stronger. Breaking down in front of him may hurt him too and that's what he doesn't want. When he sees you crying, he's reminded that you're going away and it may hurt him too. I'm thinking he's trying to deal with the distance and he thinks that he doesn't have to be sad because you'll see each other in another 3 weeks anyway.

3 weeks is such a short time. Imagine people loving each other with oceans between them. Like me and my boyfriend - it takes years before we can really see each other. You're luckier that you get to spend time with him in weeks interval. Your boyfriend is strong. he's getting by and trying to live his life. You should live yours the same way. You don't have to worry about anything, he loves you! I think you just have to develop that mindset that you're gonna see him again and that he's honest and he loves you.

I know this because it happened in my relationship too. I hated goodbyes. I always try to hold on to him on skype whenever he needs to leave and .... I always win. He hated to see me frown and cry but he never told me that yet, so I continued to work my magic until one day, he asked for space. I panicked. Why? I asked him. He said he hated that he can't say goodbye and he told me the exact same thing your boyfriend told you.

"He shouldn't be my whole world and I should be able to function without him."

He didn't say he doesn't love me. He just wants to function well as he wants me to function well too. He wants us to lead different lives but all the while loving & thinking of one another. He wants us to talk as much as possible but to be able to leave when we need to (when he needs to do homework or study or when I need to go to work). It's just as fulfilling for him to see me live my life as I see him live his. It's like, two different lives but with a connection. That way, when we have the chance to talk, there are a lot to talk about!

I still hate saying goodbye but I learned to let go. It's a little hard at first, but it's easier now. I learned to trust him more & he doesn't feel strangled. And right now when he says he loves me and i ask him why, he said, "Cause you let me do my stuff." So it's not that he's not giving effort on your relationship, he just hurts when he sees you crying & he doesn't want that.

Never tell a guy he's not putting enough effort on your relationship. It's a form of accusation and it's very hurtful. If he says the same to you, I doubt you'd not be hurt. I don't also get why he should apologize, when he didn't do anything wrong - and that goes the same for you. You don't need to apologize for being hurt when you say goodbye. It's your natural reaction. What you can talk about him is explain that you get emotional when you have to say goodbye but it doesn't mean you're not strong. If you can smile amidst the tears, it would be better. Tell him you miss him.

There's nothing to worry about if he doesn't seem to miss you like crazy. He does, but he also knows that he has a life to live - he has to finish college and do good grades. And you know what? If he finishes college, that's gonna be your life too. It's your future what he's working on now. So you just need to trust him more and do your own stuff too. He wants you to grow with him and then when you both finish college and finally don't need the distance - you'll see what great combination your life and his life would be. Dry your tears, sweetie!

[Jgui]

I agree with Annb8888, she basically said everything I wanted to say.

Everyone deals with LDR & good-byes differently. Your SO may be upset with the separation but he is better at holding his emotions. You have to keep in mind that us girls are far more emotional than guys. There were few times where i got very emotional after visiting my SO and I ended up crying. He hates seeing me that way and I feel horrible putting him through that afterwards.

Just because your SO tells you that you shouldn't put him as your whole world just means he wants you to be stronger; it doesn't mean he loves you any less. Him saying he hardly thinks about you when he's busy doesn't mean he isn't missing you also. If he's been with your for 3 years already, chances are he really do love you. Can you imagin being with someone you don't love for that many days? It's bazaar!!

I used to be very attached in my relationships. I put my boyfriends before everything else. I'll throw tantrums when I don't get things my way. I depended on their existence to make me happy, so when things didn't work out you can imagin how upset and dark my world became. I soon realize that in order for me to be truly happy with someone else, I need to be happy by myself first. It takes a while to learn how to be in control of your emotions, but it isn't impossible.

Be glad that your SO is a strong man and works hard for his future, because it's your future as well.

[Sharon Q]

You seem to have the same problem I do. Its not that he loves you less, he just wants you to focus on other things. Focusing on just him is unhealthy.

Its okay to let him know how you feel but take it from his side. Perhaps he didnt want to be upset in front of you. And its okay that he doenst find it a big deal seeing as you two will see each other in three weeks.

I know three weeks seems like a good while but instead of focusing on " well I have to wait three weeks to see him its gonna be hard "

try to change that to " I get to see him in three weeks I can't wait " and maybe plan something small for him like a tiny surprise.