Before I over react... I need some advice

[Bethypoo]

I hate long stories about what you need advice on because I just want the gist and dont want to read a novel (ill lose interest) so I will try to be brief)

Basically, my SO best friend has mental issues (schizophrenia and has attempted suicide in the past). He is also a compulsive liar and is selfish. He discussed with my SO how he would kill is family because he can and just doesn't like them. He has made himself believe that he was abused by his dad as a child (when he wasn't since my best fried and him are siblings), he has just convinced themselves that they are horrible people. Well over the holiday he was a complete JACKASS to his entire family. The second I walked in the door he stopped talking to every one, refused to help cook, clean or decorate. I get he has mental issues but he is making it worse for himself by choosing not to take meds and choosing to think the world is out to get him but that the whole world owes him something.

Here is the issue. I got treated like crap by his best friend. Now i can defined myself, and believe me I did. The reset of the family, which includes my best friend, was also livid and got on him for his attitude an issues. He is 24 he needs to grow up. My SO however, said nothing. And last night, continued to say nothing as well as make excuses. I was livid. I told him i was done hearing him make excuses for anything. Period. We were silent on the phone for a few minutes and I said I wasn't going to stay up just to be silent, said good night and hung up.

Today, I just dont feel like talking to him. Am I over reacting? It is his best friend but there is a point where he (the best friend) needs to take responsibility for himself and not blame the world and my SO needs to not enable him.

So what do you think?

[thatgirllit]

I think that there are a couple of issues at play here...not all of which relate to your SO's best friend.

To answer your question: "Am I over reacting?" I don't think you are overreacting. I think that you are feeling frustrated, understandably so, and need a bit of space. However, I think that you should explain this to your SO and not just "disappear" or cut off lines of communication.

1) If your SO's best friend is schizophrenic, then a lot of his behaviors are a result of his disorder and not something he can just "take responsibility" for. Many of the medications that are used to treat schizophrenia are designed to treat the symptoms and generally make the patient more docile...which can also leave them feeling as if they are living in a constant fog. While I think you are right to be concerned about how SO's best friend's disorder impacts your relationship, I also think you need to be careful in how you engage it. It is not something he can just "snap out of"...medication or no medication.

2) I think you need to separate the issues of how your SO's best friend treats you and how he treats other people. While you may find his behavior appalling, how he treats other people is irrelevant to your relationship with your SO (I know this can be difficult as your SO's best friend's sibling is also your best friend).

3) You said that you can "defend yourself" however, it is clear from your tone and from the statement "SO needs to not enable him" that you feel your SO should be reacting differently when his friend attacks you. I think it is important for you to write down instances when your SO's best friend upset you, write down how your SO reacted, and write down what you would have liked for him to do differently. I think once you have thought about them and written down how you feel your SO could have been more supportive of you, you might be in a better position to engage him.

4) I think you did the right thing in taking a step back to breathe. However, I think that it is also important that you keep the lines of communication open with your SO. It is probably difficult have a best friend who is schizophrenic...especially if he has not always been that way (schizophrenia can be caused by traumatic life events). I am sure there are times when your SO is also frustrated with his friend and his friend's behavior, but he may feel guilty about feeling that way. There is also the possibility that your SO's best friend feels threatened by your relationship. However, these are all things you need to talk about with your SO, once you have taken to time think about how you feel.

Hope my .02 helps.

[Malaga]

I don't think you're overreacting, especially if this guy was rude to you and your SO knew and didn't react. That is just not cool.

I had a similar situation with my ex, we were out with one of his friends who was an obnoxious drunk. The guy was also handicapped, and he thought it gave him the right to be a douche since people were reluctant to get in conflict with a handicapped guy. He was awful to me, kept swearing at me and being rude even after I repeatedly asked him to stop. My ex just found it all so hilarious. Broke my heart.

You guys need to have each other's backs. He needs to recognise this guy crossed the line and call him out on it, set the boundaries. If people pander to his illness, it's only going to get worse, for him and for everyone around him. It's not something he can snap out of, but it's also not something that will go away if people turn a blind eye or he's left to handle it by himself.

Good luck xx

[Bethypoo]

Malaga: It is frustrating. And for some reason I feel like this could be the beginning of a bigger issue.

Thatgirllit: When I say take responsibility, he says that the reason he has mental issues is due to this family and how he was treated growing up. Not that it was something that he was born with. I know he wasn't abused and that there were not wrong doing of any kind. He blames everyone else for how he is the way he is. That is what I meant. And we did discuss my SOs reactions and he was aware of them.

I just feel like this could be the start of a bigger issue too...

[thatgirllit]

"I just feel like this could be the start of a bigger issue too... " I feel like this should be the focus of your conversation with your SO. WHY you feel like this may be an indication of bigger issues in your relationship.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Has your SO's friend gotten a schizophrenia diagnosis from a mental health professional? I know nobody can or should diagnose anyone over the internet, but this guy sounds much more narcissistic and/or histrionic than having a genuine break from reality. Does he have hallucinations or delusions?

Schizophrenia is incredibly tricky and difficult to deal with--if only it were as easy as "growing up" and "taking responsibility". My brother has schizophrenia that went undiagnosed for years and can do neither, so I know firsthand the effect it has on relationships. I really do empathize with everyone involved.

[thatgirllit]

Has your SO's friend gotten a schizophrenia diagnosis from a mental health professional? I know nobody can or should diagnose anyone over the internet, but this guy sounds much more narcissistic and/or histrionic than having a genuine break from reality. Does he have hallucinations or delusions?

Schizophrenia is incredibly tricky and difficult to deal with--if only it were as easy as "growing up" and "taking responsibility". My brother has schizophrenia that went undiagnosed for years and can do neither, so I know firsthand the effect it has on relationships. I really do empathize with everyone involved.

+1

Dealing with mental health is challenging for the strongest relationships, so it must be even more tough when distance is involved. I hope you and your SO are able to work it out and like CynicalQuixotic said, I can certainly empathize with everyone involved.

[Bethypoo]

Has your SO's friend gotten a schizophrenia diagnosis from a mental health professional? I know nobody can or should diagnose anyone over the internet, but this guy sounds much more narcissistic and/or histrionic than having a genuine break from reality. Does he have hallucinations or delusions?

Schizophrenia is incredibly tricky and difficult to deal with--if only it were as easy as "growing up" and "taking responsibility". My brother has schizophrenia that went undiagnosed for years and can do neither, so I know firsthand the effect it has on relationships. I really do empathize with everyone involved.

Yes CQ and thatgirllit, he has been diagnosed. But he is a also a pathological liar and so many other things. It is something that didnt present itself until about 5 years ago. And when it did he was living with other family and just took his problems as something as a result of his family and not a mental issue. After he tried to commit suicide, that was when i diagnoses was first set. And since then, he uses the fact that he wants to kill himself over everyone including my SO and my best friend. My best friend just had a baby and has come to the conclusion that she cant stop her life to babysit and make sure he wont kill himself. She will do what she can but has a baby and that cant be the center of her life. My SO continues to be afraid that if he says anything that he will kill himself and it will be his fault. To make it worse, he will tell my SO that if he does it is my SOs fault.

I finally decided to talk to him and I did tell him that i felt like THERE WAS A BIGGER ISSUE AT THE CENTER OF ALL OF THIS. I told him why. He hasn't said much but I told him that I wanted to take a step back for a few days. He said that was fine. We aren't fighting nor breaking up but I think we just need to take the time to appreciate each other and things like that and really figure out where we draw the lines with certain things.

But that you all for you advice and support! I just needed prospective.

[thatgirllit]

Yes CQ and thatgirllit, he has been diagnosed. But he is a also a pathological liar and so many other things. It is something that didnt present itself until about 5 years ago. And when it did he was living with other family and just took his problems as something as a result of his family and not a mental issue. After he tried to commit suicide, that was when i diagnoses was first set. And since then, he uses the fact that he wants to kill himself over everyone including my SO and my best friend. My best friend just had a baby and has come to the conclusion that she cant stop her life to babysit and make sure he wont kill himself. She will do what she can but has a baby and that cant be the center of her life. My SO continues to be afraid that if he says anything that he will kill himself and it will be his fault. To make it worse, he will tell my SO that if he does it is my SOs fault.

I finally decided to talk to him and I did tell him that i felt like THERE WAS A BIGGER ISSUE AT THE CENTER OF ALL OF THIS. I told him why. He hasn't said much but I told him that I wanted to take a step back for a few days. He said that was fine. We aren't fighting nor breaking up but I think we just need to take the time to appreciate each other and things like that and really figure out where we draw the lines with certain things.

But that you all for you advice and support! I just needed prospective.

Yea...he sounds manipulative. That is very tough. I am glad you are taking "mental health" time for yourself and I am glad that you spoke to your SO about how you are feeling. I sincerely wish you the best, your position is not enviable.