Religion differences

[CynicalQuixotic]

It's funny that you posted this, because the boyfriend and I have been talking about religion recently. My religious upbringing was eclectic, to say the least--my dad was raised Jewish and my mother Episcopalian, and my brother and I celebrated Christmas, Easter, Passover, and Hanukkah as children. When I was in third grade, my parents found and started attending a Unitarian Universalist church, and I went to their Sunday school for six years. I really loved it--I made great friends, and learned a lot about world religions, cultures, and in general how to be a good person without having any specific religious dogma shoved down my throat. I really appreciate this now, as I have distinct ideological issues about how most organized religions disseminate their teachings to small children.

The boyfriend was raised "culturally Catholic", in his words, which I find is a pretty distinctly European phenomenon--though he was baptized and took communion, he's never believed in God and views Catholic doctrine in our modern society as "purely metaphorical," and claims that this is how the grand majority of French people think, which makes sense considering how important laïcité (secularism) is to French political culture.

However, despite all this, he told me that if we were ever to get married, he wouldn't mind getting married in a church ("They're really beautiful!") and that he would want to have any children we had baptized (although in this aspect I think he's really in it for the gifts we'd receive ). This, to me, is fundamentally odd for someone who is as staunch of an atheist as he is, but he sees these things as cultural markers that no longer have any real inherent religious meaning. I'd only be hesitant to get married in a church because I would be uncomfortable with an overtly religious service, but then again, I have no idea how weddings in France are usually done. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

[Dziubka]

The boyfriend was raised "culturally Catholic", in his words, which I find is a pretty distinctly European phenomenon--though he was baptized and took communion, he's never believed in God and views Catholic doctrine in our modern society as "purely metaphorical," and claims that this is how the grand majority of French people think, which makes sense considering how important laïcité (secularism) is to French political culture.
[...]
This, to me, is fundamentally odd for someone who is as staunch of an atheist as he is, but he sees these things as cultural markers that no longer have any real inherent religious meaning.

That would be me, except Protestant not Catholic. I always think it's sort of weird, when people claim they really believe in that.
My boyfriend is Catholic and he's somewhat religious (although he has been having doubts lately ). We have some minor issues. Like I'd want to get our kids baptized protestantic, so my brother can be their godfather, but my boyfriend wants to get married in a Catholic church and I think there's something I have to sign to promise that any children coming out of that marriage will be raised Catholic. It's something I'm sure we'll figure out when we get there.

An ex of mine was muslim, but we still exchanged Christmas presents. I would feel very weird not celebrating Christmas or Easter. I wouldn't mind not giving or getting presents, but when we live together, I'd want some sort of celebration or acknowledgement. I don't think I could get used to treating Easter and Christmas like they were ordinary, not special days.
Try and find a compromise. Celebrate Christmas and winter solstice? It seems not fair that only you should compromise and adjust to his religion.

[milaya]

Both my SO and I are atheists, but I still celebrate Christmas, since for me there's not much religion left in the whole christmas tradition. I just like eating some very good food and look at the pretty Christmas lights on the streets.

My SO is Japanese, so he has grown up with watching some christmas decorations in the cities, but has never really celebrated Christmas. (A very typical Christmas for a Japanese is to have a date in a fancy restaurant). So he'll celebrate his first Christmas this year. Since my SO doesn't have anything else he celebrates instead of Christmas and the fact that Christmas doesn't go against any of his believes (since he hasn't any), I think it's easy enough to make Christmas a tradition in the future as well.
We've even discussed what we'll do when we both live in Japan in a few years. And we like the idea of cooking some good food and maybe have friends over, just to have a nice evening. For me, it doesn't have to be traditional, I just don't think I'll like to do nothing on the 24th in the future, since the past 22 years of my life there has been something on that date.

[nicole]

^ I'm the same as Milaya, Atheist, but I have Christmas because it has no religious meaning to me, it never has. I'll recognize Midwinter as the traditional holiday of my ancestors around December 25th, but that's about it. Anyway My SO is atheist too, and is the same as me. I see no problems with my family, as my parents may or may not believe in God, but they never mention it, so we just have a nice family day with presents and food and movies.

The only thing I can see being a problem is my SO's family, who ARE religious, and I really, really, really feel uncomfortable saying prayers and going to church. I will do so if I am staying with them, out of respect, but I don't like it. My SO and I are planning on having Christmas by ourselves anyway, if we're not over here with my family, so hopefully they won't make me go to church on Christmas Eve. In my mind, they have Thanksgiving, and if they want to say grace etc then fair enough, it's not my holiday, but Christmas is the one holiday of the year I do celebrate so I am doing it my way.

[AEAS]

I'm not religious, and neither is my SO... He was when we met but somehow he just stopped about a year ago, Haha. So...Nope! No problems there.

[carolynred]

I was raised I guess you can say in two different Christian denominations. xP My mother is Catholic and father is Baptist. I was primarily raised in the Catholic Church, but the Baptist Church is still a big part of my life. My SO was raised Baptist, so I can at least relate with him, but there's still a lot more I can learn. It doesn't bother us since we're both Christian, plus we think its a great way to bond by visiting each other's churches and participating in the services.

[hunniebunn]

I am Christian, and he is Muslim. We have already celebrated birthdays, and a Halloween, so as of yet we haven't encountered any problems. We already have our plans for Christmas, and he is going to come down and meet my father for the first time!
I am not a strict Christian, and he isn't a strict Muslim (just eats halal and doesn't drink), so I really don't think there will be much to argue over. We have talked about where a marriage would occur, and we says he doesn't have to/want to marry in a Synagog, and I don't want a large church gathering, as long as we are together it doesn't matter

[mllebamako]

We have talked about where a marriage would occur, and we says he doesn't have to/want to marry in a Synagog, and I don't want a large church gathering, as long as we are together it doesn't matter

I think you mean a mosque

My religious upbringing was a bit all over the place. We went to the Unitarian Universalist church for some time and then my parents changed to being pretty atheist. My dad is Jewish, so I explored that for awhile in university. Anyway, now I consider myself agnostic. And my SO is Muslim.
We live together in a Muslim country so by default we eat halal, celebrate Muslim holidays, and he prays 5 times a day. We also celebrate Christmas together, it really only has a cultural significance for me, not religious.

But having such a big religious difference has definitely made things complicated and brings up some tough subjects. We've both had to make compromises.

[rubydissolution]

Wow, i didn't realize when i started this thread there would be so many people with so many different religious denominations. Its good to know that I'm not the only one. Thank you for all the advice, i don't think these differences will cause any severe fights or arguments in the future. I will do my research on his religion so i am better informed. =)

[aamacna]

I'm an agnostic, he's an atheist, so we're pretty okay there. Both of us were raised within the Christian tradition. Both of us have members of our families who are religious and extremely involved in their churches. Therefore, we both have an understanding and respect for the Christian tradition (and holidays, though my mom and I exchange gifts on the Solstice usually).

[Bethypoo]

I think you should be allowed to send him a gift. It is something that you celebrate, and though it isnt something he does, he should respect your beliefs.

My parents were both raised christian so I grew up with all of the christmas traditions. And though my parents never really went to church, and I am not religious AT ALL, it is still something that is celebrated and is a time to remind people that you love and care for them and time to be around those such people. I mean, religion is a huge deal. It is something that really needs to be respected especially if you are from different faiths. Like I said, I was raised by a Christian family that didnt really get to into the church/super religions thing, but my SOs family is EXTREMELY religions and go to church multiple times a week. Though he doesn't go with them anymore, he still has those foundation. We agree to disagree on certain things and just respect each other for it. I think as long as you have that, it should be fine. But he needs to be able to respect you and you beliefs though they are not his own.

[uniquefem]

I have massive religious differences with my boyfriend, I am basically atheist but i was raised a christian and i try to believe in god but find it hard. My boyfriend is a muslim and obviously believes in god! At first I found it really hard, and sometimes i still do now, but i think you just have to accept and respect each others differences and see it as a way to learn about different ways of life. It can be annoying, my boyfriend doesn't celebrate Christmas at all, he has no concept of it and I LOVE it, even though I'm not religious!
I think its unnecessary for him to always remind you of the differences and if you want to buy him a present then just do it, I'm buying my boyfriend a present even though he's muslim!!
Don't worry though, you are not alone!

The first idea is the will to share.

I am a moslem.. and my bf is non believer. I am from Indonesia and he's Russian. Its hard, yes... for some part of the relationship. But i am lucky that my SO very understanding. Instead being fear about my belief he surprise me lots of time with his understanding about my belief.. he want to know about it, and do his own research.

About xmast... we both didn't celebrate it.. but we did send each other present last year not in the name of xmast just exchanging gift.. and its so sweet hahah...

I think its ok.. all you need is respect and understanding about each other differences

[uniquefem]

I think you mean a mosque

My religious upbringing was a bit all over the place. We went to the Unitarian Universalist church for some time and then my parents changed to being pretty atheist. My dad is Jewish, so I explored that for awhile in university. Anyway, now I consider myself agnostic. And my SO is Muslim.
We live together in a Muslim country so by default we eat halal, celebrate Muslim holidays, and he prays 5 times a day. We also celebrate Christmas together, it really only has a cultural significance for me, not religious.

But having such a big religious difference has definitely made things complicated and brings up some tough subjects. We've both had to make compromises.

well.. my relationahip will be quite the same.... i have to compromise a lot so does him--like no pork while eating with me and most of time he will choose vegetarian food or something with eggs and fish much safer for me...

Though subject will be the marriage ceremony... moslem woman cant married a man from other beliefs in Indonesia its not even legal. Anyway thats a different subject!

I hope my relationship will be as strong as you are! (thanks for sharing this!)

[greensweatergirl]

I was raised Catholic, he was raised Anglican, we're both atheists now. The only problem I can foresee is that my dad is quite religious, and might push us towards getting married in a Catholic Church. We've discussed it, and neither of us feels comfortable starting our new life by lying through our teeth about our beliefs and promises to each other. I don't feel like a church wedding is just tradition, as I made a conscious decision to break from religion in my early twenties and it was something I put a great deal of thought into. It would be backpedaling to me.

Then again, my dad has become much more lenient about some things in the past few years - he even said that we could sleep in the same room if we visited him before we were married, which left me completely floored. So who knows...

[OceanBlue]

I'm Muslim and he's Christian. And we both are strict believers. We did come across problems but that has to do with my parents. They can't know about him since he isn't a muslim and well, muslim girls aren't allowed to be with non-muslims. It gets hard sometimes but we will work it out I'm sure. I believe in us so yeah