I'm so boring!

[Snap]

Something I've struggled with for years is the issue that I feel like I am a boring person. My personality is very awkward and I'm a poor conversationalist. I spend about 75% of any conversation with my boyfriend listening to him and 25% is my actual contribution. I just feel like I have nothing interesting to say. My ex reinforced this belief in myself by calling me boring multiple times when we were dating. I'm concerned about this because 1) I don't want to be a boring person and 2) my current boyfriend says that he doesn't like to date boring people.

I felt especially boring during my last visit with my boyfriend. I felt like I didn't have anything to say or talk about. It seemed like there were more awkward silences during this visit than usual. It was so stale. My boyfriend didn't act any different during the visit and didn't comment on my lack of conversation, but I'm still worried and here's why:

I was really hoping that I was going to be able to visit him this past weekend because I didn't have to work. However, he told me no because he had to prepare some projects for work that are due this week. I know he's telling the truth about the projects, but I'm worried that there might be more to it. Also, we haven't picked a date when we are going to see each other next, and that's really weird. Almost all of the time we have an idea of when our next visit will be.

Maybe I'm overreacting and jumping to conclusions. My sister tried to reassure me by saying that not every visit and date I have with my boyfriend is going to be filled with fireworks, so to speak. I understand what she is saying and I agree to a certain extent. But it's my personality that I fear is boring.

Any advice?

[annb8888]

If you were boring, why did he become your boyfriend in the first place?

It must be that he thinks you compliment each other. I don't think boring is bad - it's just a matter of choice for your SO. I had an ex-bf who loved me because I wasn't the talking type - like I just sit there and smile but that was me before, I was in college then. When I changed, we broke up.

You change only if you WANT to change. Don't change if you're not comfortable with it.

[LilyChiba]

Find out things that he likes and learn about them? Part of the reason why me and my SO are able to talk so much is because I'm quite literally a walking encyclopedia of useless facts. Then again, just learn whatever you want even. Read, research, watch. Everything and anything gives you stuff to talk on.

[Jgui]

I don't think your SO will be with you if you were a boring person. Not every visit needs to be fill with things to do, sometimes just relaxing at home is nice too. There are a lot of quiet moments with me SO and I when visiting. Do you guys share the same hobby or play certain sports? Interested in watching sports? You can talk about sports for hours if a great team is playing against each other.

[greensweatergirl]

I'm not particularly good at giving advice but I just wanted to say that up until a few years ago, I also struggled with feelings that I was constantly boring people. I would enter conversations and spend the whole time frantically trying to think of something to say, hoping I'd be entertaining enough to get through an evening before they shut down.

My thinking changed when I became an ESL teacher that taught primarily conversational classes. I was suddenly thrown into 40 minute lessons where my job was basically to keep a conversation afloat. And it took me awhile, but I eventually realized that the fastest way to make people come to life (and keep people engaged) was to find whatever the other person was interested in and then become interested in that, as lame and as obvious as that sounds. They like a sports team? Ask them who the best player is, why they like them, how long they've been a fan etc. etc. They're going on a trip soon? Where are they going, why do they want to go there, have they been before, what will they do? When my job in a conversation became discovering what people were passionate about and trying to understand why instead of racking my brain for my own topic or comment things became a lot easier. You don't need to barrage them with questions, but I find that if you show you're interested in a person, people will be interested in what you have to say. In the end, for better or for worse, people generally like talking about themselves. It also gave me a chance to find out which of my friends were worth being friends with - the good ones will generally ask you about you after they've talked for a while.

That being said, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Some people seem to need excitement all the time and can't stand silence...but if you're not that person, it's OK. Actually, I find people who need something happening all the time kind of weird, because life isn't a constant party of mental and sensory stimulation. I don't know where you're from, but I find North Americans are particularly bad with being able to deal with just being in someone's company without rapid fire communication....they seem to have a real problem with it. If you're from there, I think it can be harder to find people who don't mind a more relaxed atmosphere. Again, I realized all this when I was in Japan, and suddenly got along better with my students and Japanese friends than I ever did with most Canadians. What I'm trying to say is that you may just need to find people who are on your own level, and it might be harder if you're in NA.

As for your boyfriend, try to arrange a date for your next visit before you worry. If he's weird about setting a date then you can come back and worry, but not until then.

I hope this helped a little bit at least.

[aaron stone]

Don't beat yourself up too much. As others have said he would not be with you if you were "boring". Continue doing hobbies you enjoy, if partying isn't your thing that's ok, maybe you like reading books or playing games. Those can give you plenty of things to talk about.

Oh and while we're on the topic of "boring" many of us talk about our jobs/school since it takes up a good part of our day, many times that can be boring as well lol. After reading your post it sounded like you were trying too hard. Stop pressuring yourself to have a conversation about x or y, just do what feels natural because hey in a relationship it is best to be yourself If he doesn't appreciate you well then it is his loss....

[thatgirllit]

I think the easiest way to change this, if it is a problem of finding something to talk about, and not the actual speaking...then try something new. Have new experiences and this will give you plenty to talk about. Especially if you try new things with your SO. Great discussions.

[liv4cause]

I used to be worried that I am a boring person because I didn't have many "exciting" hobbies and seldom joined social events. But eventually you become more self-confident. Perhaps it takes a few mind maps or something to realise your qualities.. sometimes I write down lists of things that are important to me at the moment.
With my SO I was worried at first because he seemed to expect me to be really talkative and bubbly (as all girls are... not) and I felt a bit awkward not knowing what to say. But after a while we got so comfortable. I have no trouble thinking about lots of topics with myself, but saying them out loud is a different matter. So once we got comfortable, I started wanting to tell him more and hear his opinions on things. Now I feel free to tell him anything at all, whether it's the smell of the shampoo I'm using that I like, or whether I have been thinking and confusing myself with questions about my future plans etc.
I am sure you are not a boring person, but you may find it difficult to say what's on your mind. Often it's that you get so stressed out about filling the silence that you literally blank out. So it's up to you to basically train yourself to have a conversation. Not force one, but try getting a feel for where you can add in a question or branch off with your own thought. It helps to just be relaxed and let your thoughts go wherever, instead of sweating about what to say next. This might even stop you from listening properly and you'll miss your queues.
This is less to do with your SO than with you.. when you feel more confident in your qualities, you won't worry so much about what he thinks of you. Because I'm sure he appreciates you for more than just your conversation skills And if it helps you, maybe ask him sweetly to list some things he loves about you.. it's always a confidence boost and will perhaps make you aware of things that you weren't before..
Good luck <3

[Sav88]

Don't believe what your ex says because he was obviously not right for you. You are in a relationship for a reason and your boyfriend obviously likes you for some reason. If you find yourself struggling to find things to talk about, go with the obvious things like weather, his day or your day, foods, drink, places...there's lots to talk about! Make plans to go out together somewhere and no matter what, have fun and don't get sulky. I have learnt that when you get down about things, it really makes your relationship strained. Try and see the bright side of things and don't take things too seriously.