End of Summer Blues

[Hildy]

As with most college LDR couples, my SO and I are home for the summer and don't have to deal with the distance for the summer months. This is my first summer home from college and we just completed our first year as LD. However, the end of summer is fast approaching and we are faced with a tough decision: do we stay together and be LD again or do we go our separate ways?

I have recently come to realize that my SO and I are in different places in our lives. I am in college at a 4 year university 100 miles from home. He's still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, living at home, but working full time (thankfully!). He's doing a 1 year certificate program for Landscape Design/ Horticulture and will be completed with it this winter. He has no idea what he's going to do once he's done and has no plans so far. He's 21 and I'm 19 and while I realize that we are both very young and that its fine to not to know exactly what you want to do, it still worries me that he's not very motivated to get going in life. He almost seems afraid to move on. He talks about how he wants to move on and have his own place and a better job, but I've seen no indication on his part that he is doing anything about that. For me, its hard to want to be with and do an LDR with someone who seems to be a bit lost in life.

I love and care about him very much and we've been together for almost 2 and half years, but right now I'm at a point where I'm questioning whether or not to stay together. When I'm spending time with him, I'm the happiest I've ever been and I honestly can't see myself with someone else, but is that enough? My Dad and Step-Mom have encouraged me to break up with him because they think he's not right for me and that he will only hold me back, but I don't see that. We've already done 1 year of LDR, and of course, it was tough and we had our ups and downs, but I don't really feel it took away from my life that much. I still went out and did everything I would have done if I were single or if he was there. The only things that I really missed were not being able to share some experiences with im or having him there when important things happend.

I've talked to him about all this and he's will support and go along with whatever I decide to do, but this decision is so difficult!
There is nothing wrong with our relationship or him, but life just isn't being kind to us.

I really don't know what to do.

I would very much appreciate some suggestions or if you've been in a similar situation, please share.

[Kiyama]

I realize it's a tough situation you're in. I was been in a comparable situation two years back so I can tell you what I experienced but keep in mind that the circumstances are different so the decision is ultimately your own.
Me and my ex boyfriend were together for two years and I had already doubts early on but my feelings were so strong and he kind of tried to smooth things over when he mentioned his attitude towards life for the first time. He was a bit younger than me, 24 or so and me 25. We were both doing a masters in England and moved to Germany afterwards. He made no effort to find a proper job though. He took some cleaning jobs and was happy with it. He was basically fine with making no career. He wasn't interested in money at all and hated capitalism in general. Eventually he decided to become a nurse but the when and hows were never clarified and despite me having the hope he would finally change his mind, I finally had to see he would not. He was happy with things how they were and nothing would change it. I tried to talk about family and being financially stable but in his opinion these things didn't matter either.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he was wrong in what he wanted in life but it wasn't what I wanted and it drove me mental. We had horrible fights I still regret today because none of us was wrong or right. We simply weren't compatible and we would have never been because we both didn't want to compromise in what we ultimately wanted in life. And in my opinion you shouldn't. You should be with someone who shares some basic attitudes because I believe you can't change anybody, especially if they don't want to change. You can either accept it or, if you can't, leave.
Maybe your SO will come round but there are no guarantees and me and my ex boyfriends are good friends now and one year after we split up he is finally considering applying for the nurse programme. Sometime next year. But if it doesn't work then well, it doesn't.

It was the right thing for us to break up. We still loved each other and he's a very sweet guy but it wasnt meant to be. You are much younger than we were so maybe he will change eventually but if I was you I would ask him about his general opinion on how he imagines his future with regard to career and family. It might give you a clue. And one more thing: whatever the decision will be for you, you will never be 100% sure. I once believed love conquered all but now I know sometimes it isn't enough