Advice, please: To schedule or not to schedule phone calls, that is the question.

[mawlz2012]

In a nutshell, I'm still seeking employment, and my boyfriend works on research every day and goes to a 3-hour class once a week; needless to say, he's a busy man. He also likes to keep busy with various hobbies and other social commitments, which I think are all wonderful! I'm sincerely happy for him, and I'll admit that I probably have more time in my day for boredom than he does, which probably fuels the problem I have.

There's this weird habit (that doesn't follow any particular pattern) where, for weeks at a time, I just can't get a hold of him. No word from him whatsoever, even when I send him a message each day asking about how he's doing or things that we've talked about, and assuring him that he can talk to me about anything (even if it's to tell me that I'm being a worry-wart and overbearing!) And when I do reach him, he generally admits that he's been stressed out or depressed over work... and yet, he also admits that he hasn't been busy, per se, getting things done. It kind of hurts that he wouldn't turn to me with those problems, if he's not using the time to tackle them head-on. :\ I plan to talk to him about how this makes me feel the next time I get to talk to him (whenever that is), but I still have a question for advice from everyone here.

Should I ask that we schedule times/frequency for talking? (e.g., Contact me at least on Fridays. Or, At least one call per week, any day of the week.) It would just help me feel at ease, because knowing that he's struggling, but not hearing from him makes me worry that something horrible's happened to him while I'm not there. Does anybody have any advice on this issue? Does the lack of spontaneity kill the romance of talking to each other? Or is it actually helpful? And if so, how should I approach it without hurting his feelings or being overbearing/needy?

Thank you all so much!

[Black_Halloween]

o___O he doesn't contact you for weeks? That's a little suspicious to be honest.

[rina]

I would definitely schedule a weekly time just for you. Having a lot of activities and things that make you happy is a good thing, but it can turn nasty, i for one would get overwhelmed pretty easy. From what experience i have, a scheduled time for an activity together is a good idea, it reinforces your bond. If i were you i'd bring this up and ask that you have a day in which at least for a few hours you get to spend some time together.
It's true that missing someone makes you appreciate them more.. but not seeing them or talking to them at all.. well sadly it just makes you forget them.. and it's not healthy to not talk for weeks.. I'm sure you'd appreciate it greatly if he'd squeeze some time for you, even if it is once a week.

Not trying to bring the rain on your street but when i was in this situation before.. it didn't really end that good. You need to get a hold of what's going on and just tell him you feel lonely and ignored and somewhere way down on his priority list.

Best of luck with your situation.

[mawlz2012]

Thank you for your affirmation and advice.

To be fair (and to clarify the situation), I try to contact him on average every other day. But his responses are sporadic. He won't always go for weeks; sometimes he calls just about every day. Other times, he won't reply to voice mails, emails, texts... anything. I'm also his first girlfriend whatsoever, and our relationship started as short-distance, so I wonder if he just doesn't know how to hold up a long-distance relationship aside from his sporadic phone calls to his parents.

But seeing as how "sporadic" came up twice just in that clarification, I think (and I'm glad to hear from you that it's a good idea) I will schedule a specific time that works in his schedule to spend some time with me. Maybe having that part of his life organized into a simple routine will even help alleviate his stress!

[charly]

I had sort of the same problem, where I was at home most of the time, and my boyfriend just didn't contact me regularly (due too busy life, an sometimes just being too tired to talk). So I found myself waiting for him to contact me, even till late at night. We now do schedule our skype calls, and that has really helped us! Make things easier, and you can look forward to it

[rina]

Exactly, the simple routine of just you two time is going to become something reliable and something to look forward for the both of you. And sometimes it might feel like routine is boring, it never happened here, even if we ended up with just small talk.

[D.4C]

when i am stressed and that...that's when i want to talk to my girlfriend...maybe i am different...the fact that he doesn't even return texts or anything for weeks...mmmm...if it were me...i wouldn't feel good about that at all

[mawlz2012]

Yeah, I do feel hurt that when I get a hold of him, he'll tell me that he's stressed out and all that... and then I know that he didn't turn to me with his problems. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, though; maybe he's trying not to just dump all of his problems on me when I'm depressed, too, about the job market... But yeah, he has my assurance that he can talk to me about anything, so it hurts when it seems like he's holding back. Does anyone have any advice about how I should broach this discrepancy with him? How can I let him know that this hurts without sounding like I'm accusing him, or like I demand too much of him?

[XxFranticLovexX]

I would talk to him about it. I have limited contact with my so right now, and I'll admit that it's hard, but I try to call him at least once a week and he usually returns that call if he misses it.
I would just let him know that you miss him and want to try talking at least once a week. It could be a short phone call or it could be a lengthier call/skype session/whatever. Just let him know that you're feeling lonely and that you worry about him when you go so long without hearing from him. You aren't asking for much, and if he isn't willing to try even letting you know how he is once a week or so then you may need to have a more serious discussion with him.

[mawlz2012]

Thank you! This outlook you suggest really puts everything into perspective.

I asked him via text if he could call me (I asked instead of just calling to make sure that he could still get texts. And also to establish a habit of responding to messages from me instead of just hearing me talk.) He did call! And we talked for a long time, and fortunately, I was not wrong to give him the benefit of the doubt. From his perspective, he was just being laid-back and contacting me every couple of days. He wasn't trying to ignore me, and wasn't hesitating about contacting me about anything. Our perspectives of the quality/quantity of our communication just weren't matching up. We agreed to aim for some kind of contact every other day or so, with more quality contact (longer phone calls, Skype calls, etc.) for weekends.

And we also started brainstorming for the next time we get to see each other!

Thank you all for your advice and support. It's not as specific as scheduling a time each week to contact each other, but I feel that it's a fair compromise with him, with the advantage of contact more than once a week. Thanks to you all again; I am happy to be a part of such a supportive group, and I'm eager to pay it forward with support in return!

[CountryGirl]

I don't know how I'd be able to handle it if my SO didn't talk to me regularly. I'm not a suspicious person, but the needy part of me would definitely kick into high gear. I just figure since you are in a long distance relationship communication is the MOST important thing that makes a relationship successful. My SO and I are both in college and he is now starting his dissertation and I'm super busy with college but we make time to talk someway or another. Whether that be via text, Facebook messages/wall posts/a quick video on my wall, Skype or phone calls. There are so many ways to get in contact..heck a letter would even suffice. I just don't know how I would feel about not talking for weeks. It would probably take a toll on my relationship. I just think as a woman we deserve to know we are being thought of and appreciated..how can you convey that if you are MIA for weeks at a time? I think I would just bring up that you miss him and hearing about his troubles because it makes you feel needed and helpful. And since women are naturally comforting you could be a great help if he would just give you the chance. Let us know how it goes! And good luck. I never like having important conversations with my SO..I feel like a nag lol.

[ams.201220]

My boyfriend and I had the same exact problem! He's been brought up, just keeping his feelings to himself, so I make a huge effort to make him open up to me. It's taken four months, but we're making progress!

As far as your situation goes, I feel that he's the one not making enough effort. I think you're great for understanding that he has a lot of time commitments with work and I also think it's great that you're supportive of him! One day, just send him a text telling him you need to have a serious conversation with him over the phone, or Sykpe. When you do get that chance to communicate with him, let him know how you feel about the weeks of no communication and that you feel he needs to try and make a little bit more effort into your relationship.

In my situation, Austin and I make sure to call each other twice a day, at the minimum, if neither of us have time to talk to the other. And those conversations aren't long at all. They both normally last less than a minute and it's usually just to say good morning and good night, I love you. And sometimes, that's the only time I hear from him in weeks. But it just lets you and the other person know that you're thinking of each other.

I also would recommend planning phone calls. If he has difficulties talking more than once a week, schedule for at least 10 minutes on the weekends to see how he's doing and if you could lend a shoulder.

I truly wish I had more and better advice for you!!! Good luck, girly!