Girlfriend has a lying problem?

[jleec24]

Okay so first off we've been dating 2 years. This is not our first time as a long distance relationship, we started off an LDR for 5 months but then I closed the distance. About two months ago though, she's moved to a completely different continent for her university. Now before she had gone off to university I had found out she had started lying about certain things very repetitively. First it was about where she was going during her class vacation, then other things which includes amount of times getting drunk and places she was and stuff like that.

I was pretty broken because she lied to my face and she had insisted she hadn't lied. But I got over it and we decided to try this thing where just wouldn't lie to each other at all. She then moved for university and she insisted the entire month she had been there she hadn't lied to me a single time. Up until today I found out that was a lie as well and she had lied about certain times going out and getting drunk as well. She isn't one to cheat and I know that but she continuously lies.

She also blames this on me. I was going through a dark time during the beginning of our relationship and she was just at the wrong place at the wrong time and I had lied to her about a part of me (If you don't mind, I'd rather not share it's rather private) for quite some time and she says that because of that I had turned her into the person she is and that she lies because of that. She isn't intentionally seeking revenge but she just does it and it is so easy for her.

By this time I am just fed up and I sort of threatened her by saying if she continued lying to me the way she did about the stuff she did I would do something as well. She now says she's upset and she doesn't think she can be happy with me because I threatened her but in all honesty I just want a brief while where she doesn't lie to me every day and hope that she can see that things are so much better that way. Cause otherwise she says she won't bother.

I'm lost. Can anyone help me? I don't know what to do with her and this problem..I feel guilty for threatening her and I probably shouldn't have but I have tried 2-3 times now the "let's just not lie to each other anymore okay?" method and I always ended on the losing side.

[Sora1101]

Honestly it sounds like your SO might be a pathological liar, meaning she really can't help lying it just kind of comes out before she realizes and then she probably feels so guilty that she lied she kept lying so you wouldn't find out. I don't really know how to help but maybe you should research it and see if you can find any helpful tips or if it sounds like what your SO has. If not then you need to decide whether you can work through it together or if you want to move on. If you can't trust her then it seems pointless to be in a relationship.

[jleec24]

I've just done a little bit of research on Pathological Liars and other sorts and how they differ and compare. It's definitely something that I will bring up to talk to her about and see if she thinks that might be the case with her and how we can work around it. But I honestly have trouble trusting somebody who talks to me and tells me she's going to take a nap and tells me a month later that she actually went off and got drunk.

We're so far away, 7,000 miles apart and I just believe so whole-heartedly that we should be capitalizing on communication because we've been limited to that (at most part for the moment) but she just doesn't seem to care or want to do anything about it. She's flat out said that she loves me and she cares about me but it's too much of an effort to try to work on things with me. That's a big red flag IMO..

[prinzeza87]

Sora1101 said it all.
also if you r willing to keep up with being lied to most of the times, get as much information as u can from the topic to c if she has a problem or she lies just because, if she is a Pathological Liar she will definitively need professional help and lots of emotional support.

[SoFarAway]

We all know that relationships are about trust... And LDRs require soooo much more trust than CDRs since you guys don't see each other. And it seems like you can't trust her at all. So, I do understand that you love her, but if I were in your situation I couldn't handle the lies. Trust and honesty are the most important character features my SO MUST have, and if that isn't possible then it means good bye relationship. I think I'd reconsider if she asked me for help about constantly lying about things then I believe she actually has a problem. But as you describe it, it sounds like she is trying to hide something from you. P,ease be careful and think about what you really want. I hope I wasn't too harsh

[jleec24]

prinzeza87, I'm afraid professional help will cost a little bit more than she can afford. After all, she's just in her first year of university. Do you know whether universities normally have free counselors on campus? Maybe I could encourage her to go to a few meetings.

SoFarAway, I totally agree with you and you weren't too harsh at all. I told her when we first entered the LDR that we would need lots of communication and we must be honest with each other because everything will be so much harder. The things she lies about is the most unimportant as well. It's almost always just about drinking, getting drunk, smoking and stuff like that. The worst lie she's ever told me was that she was going to to somewhere for a vacation with her graduating class and I find out from a tweet that she was actually going to a completely different Island and she had lied to me because she didn't think I'd be able to handle it because it was most commonly known as the "Party Island." I also find the revenge aspect troubling. The fact that because I was insecure about something regarding myself and had lied about it, she says that made her who she is and that she lies because of that incident. It's just despite it all, I want to try make something work.. I don't want to believe it's a lost cause just yet.

[SoFarAway]

Hmmmmm... Does it actually bother you that she goes out and drink? How do you feel about her partying? Do you party? And the most important question: what are you afraid off when she parties?

Have you ever given her the need specifically to make her feel that she needs to lie to you about that topic? If that is the case then the only thing you need to do is to show her that she can trust you and go out without you sending her into a guilt pressure feeling trip. There must be a reason for her lying. You are absolutely right to say that communication is key. I am totally with you on that. But you are living the life of a LDR where her social life without you is as important than your relationship (it should be the same for you as well). Even if you don't like her to party, you will have to accept it. Then the lying to you stops and it won't be necessary. You guys don't need professional help, but a serious one on one conversation.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Maybe her actual problem isn't the lying, but the partying, drinking, and smoking instead. You said that the majority of her lies involve that in some way, even the big one about her vacation. Maybe she realizes that she has a problem with those things but is lying to try to cover it up. It could also be that she is afraid that you will be disappointed or hurt because of her behavior.
Blaming you for her repetitive lying is a cop out. She isn't wanting to take responsibility for her actions so she is putting the blame on you.. or she is really holding a grudge against you over it and is trying to seek revenge by returning the favor.

The first situation is something that she would need help with if she was willing to seek it. You can't force someone to change their life if they don't want to, even if it is something that is detrimental to their life/health/etc. In the second scenario, she just needs to know whether or not you support her and how you feel about her doing these things. If you support her and are okay with it then they lying may lessen or stop, but if you disapprove it could continue or get worse.
As for blaming you, that is her issue to work through. If she can't get over the past enough to move on into the future with you then she needs to rethink the relationship in general. Seeking any form of revenge in a relationship is detrimental and can lead to either person (or even both people) having pent up tension and hostility(I can't, for the life of me, remember the word that I actually want to type here. OTL ) toward the relationship or their partner.

This is something that the two of you need to talk about and work on. IF you can't come to an understanding or compromise then one (if not both) of you will just be hurt in the end. A relationship can't last if there is no trust.. someone is always questioning everything the other person does.

[jleec24]

SoFarAway, Actually it does not bother me at all that she goes out to drink. Every other day or weekend my friends and I go have a few beers as well. As for her partying, considering it's not really even much I actually don't mind it because I understand that it's only natural because she's in university. The only thing I'm truly worried or concerned about is that she'll go back to her old partying ways. Before university she could count how many times she did not go weekly clubbing on one hand for the entire year. The reason as to why I'm worried is because she was never good at handling alcohol but she was always very weak to peer pressure and she would always get heavily drunk and pass out but back then her childhood friends would take her back to the house and everything. But considering she's in a new place, new people and transportation for her is difficult I'm just worried nobody will be bothered to look after her in that state.

But that's not to say I would limit her or I would throw a scene or anything. I am not upset about what it is she is lying about but more the fact that she is lying. On occasion there are some things that bother me like the fact that she's intensely smoking purely because all her friends smoke as well and I did ask her if maybe she should take it down a notch but I didn't think that would make her lie about it..

XxFranticLovexX, That is actually a point I hadn't thought of yet up until now. It's also something that I will definitely bring up with her. As for the revenge I have tried so often to try to get her see that if she was hurting when I did it, the last thing she should want is to do the same thing but all she really said to that was "I don't do this intentionally, I just do it." which I can't really say anything to you know..lol.

[Tooki]

It feels like there is an underlying condition, that is prompting her to consistently lie. She did try to make it your fault by blaming you on that one thing that you lied about earlier on in the relationship.

Quite frankly, I think that she needs help in the long run. My university offers free counselling support, so ask her to inquire about it at her university.

[SonyaKitty]

Hmmmm you need a long one on one conversation. If she goes to a councilor see if she can put you on FaceTime while she dose that, so you will be able to be there to help her out too. She could be lying to get back at you, but I doubt that or because she really wants to spare you the heartache,if that's the case she dosnt believe you can accept her partying ,drinking,and smoking. And you might not. I wouldn't know. If you don't tell her. See if she can limit it or if you can learn to except it, if your okay with it make sure she knows that, let her know that she can tell you anything and whatever it is you will try your best to remain positive.

[D.4C]

sometimes....when someone starts to lie...and they get away with it at first...it feels so good...that they just keep it up...and once entrapped in it...can't seem to stop...which isn't a very good thing obviously...and especially in a relationship where you are doing it to your loved one...she may need to seek help...if she wants to change that is...as for the you threatening that if she doesn't stop...you will do something...yea...not a good thing to say really....even if you didn't really mean it...kinda pushes a person to keep doing what they are doing most of the time....i know that after a few times of her lying...i don't think i would be able to put up with it...because who knows what else she could be lying about....and trust is such a huge thing....i know that when my girlfriend and i had decided to actually be a couple...we talked then...and i told her....that she can tell me anything...and we will talk it through...i would rather know the truth and talk about it...than be lied to....she was afraid at first...because her other boyfriends and exhusband from the past...weren't understanding like i am...and wouldn't wanna talk about things...so it took a bit...but now that she knows that i will be understanding and supportive...it really works out for the better...not that she really has ever lied to me...but there was one situation...and we talked about it...and all is good...communication is so very important

[SoFarAway]

The reason as to why I'm worried is because she was never good at handling alcohol but she was always very weak to peer pressure and she would always get heavily drunk and pass out but back then her childhood friends would take her back to the house and everything. But considering she's in a new place, new people and transportation for her is difficult I'm just worried nobody will be bothered to look after her in that state.

I am sorry to say that, but she doesn't have a lying problem, she does have an alcohol problem. I went to college for four years as well, and of course, I had my partying days. I was pissed every weekend, but I knew when to stop and didn't blackout most of the times. As soon as somebody lies about their drinking behavior they know exactly that it is too much, and you have all rights to be worried. She shows all signs of being an alcoholic.

And here comes the shitty part: psychology 101 - in order to help her get off the hard partying days (and stop lying about it), she has to realize it herself; otherwise, you can forget about her changing her ways completely.
You can talk and talk and talk and talk about it, but I will promise you she will get really pissed at you if you just keep confronting her. You need to find a smart way to make her realize that she actually has a problem. Good luck with that one.

[Kiyama]

Maybe she's embarrassed about being out partying? What about yourself? Do you do that kind of stuff? If not then maybe she tries to hide it because she thinks it might hurt you. Whatever it is but it sounds as if there's something behind this topic and a reason for her lies. Maybe she grew up in a religious family and her upbringing is in conflict with her life now.
But it also sounds as if you get very worried about her drinking and partying and that causes her to hide it. She takes your worries as a sign of disapproval and to avoid conflict, she lies about it. It's not the mature way to handle it but that means you both have to find a way to commnicate better.
Ultimately, she can live he life however she wants. And if partying and drinking is something she wants right now (I cannot judge obviously if she's taking it too far), then you should let her be. A lot of college students go through such a phase and she ll grow out of it eventually. And if you can accept it, she might not feel pressured to lie to you.
Having said that, I don't think that you should let her lie to you. It might all be an explanation but if lies come out that easily, they might as well in the future about different things. You definitely need to talk about it but maybe in a different way you've done so far, considering her side as well.

[jleec24]

Thank you everybody for your advice. She and I had a very long talk about it and she said that it would be hard but she would try to stop lying. She said that for the first few weeks we'll try do it with a consequence to get her used to telling the truth because otherwise she doesn't think she will take it seriously and just continue to tell me that she isn't lying which in itself is a lie. She seems pretty down about the pressure and it really upsets me to see her this way but she says that it's just her trying to kick a bad habit that is really hard to do but it's better for her and us in the long run.

As for her general behaviour and that which she was lying about she said was a direct cause of stress so I'm going to do a little research and write a list of better stress relievers so she doesn't constantly have to result to something that's a little bit more destructive. Again thank you everybody for taking the time to help me and I really really do hope this is a new beginning for us and something will give.