I need some advice...Kinda lengthy but I'm desperate.

[kelizabeths]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 9 months now. I met him in high school, I was a junior and he was a freshman. We were both heavily involved in the music department and we became friends pretty quickly after we met. A few months later, he confessed to me that he had a crush on me and I was very hesitant because he was a year and a half younger than I was, but eventually I agreed to try it all out. We started dating January 18th, 2010.

Well, since I was older, I graduated first. My first year at college was rough. We were only an hour and a half away, but I was on a college budget so I couldn't go visit him as much as I'd like to and he didn't have a car to see me either. At first, I wanted to end it with him. I felt like I needed a clean slate in college and his constant jealousy over everyone I hung out with drove me crazy and I hated feeling like I had to have my phone on me 24/7 to text him. I felt like I shouldn't spend so much time on him because he is my first love. I figured I was too naiive to decide that we would be together forever, but we talked it out and I explained my feelings to him and even though I didn't want to at the time, we stayed together. I'm so happy I did.

Now, he is a senior going through the same feelings. He's looking at colleges and he's not sure what he wants to do. I obviously would love for him to come here, but I don't want to be the ONLY reason he chooses a school (I am fine with being ONE of the reasons though). He pretty much has it knocked down to three schools; My school, a school back home, and another school that is 45 minutes south of my school now. I feel like we could make it work if he chose any of these schools, but he's starting to worry. He hates the long distance thing. Most people say we don't have it so bad, but when we were in high school we were basically together all day every day. Going from that to seeing each other twice a month is rough. Breaks and summer vacation are amazing, but when I come back to school the problems start.

Yesterday, we had a conversation where he just threw it out there that maybe we were only meant to be a high school couple and he can't have a cell-phone girlfriend for another four years. He tells me I'm the best girlfriend he could ask for, but he's miserable when I am gone and it's a bit of a burden to always be glued to your phone in case of a text or call. Then I told him everything I felt when I was going through those changes (everything I wrote in the second paragraph) and he said that was exactly how he felt too. He said he doesn't want to feel like he could be missing out on anything that could be better just because I was his first love, but in the same breath he doesn't want to leave me. He says he wants to date other people to know what he wants in the end, but he doesn't want to lose me in case I am actually the best thing for him (it sounds selfish but since I felt it too, I understand). He says he wishes he would've met me when he was 25 so we would both just know and not have to go through all these tough changes like we are now with the entire college thing.

The conversation started with him seeming like he was adamantly ready to break up, but in the end we were still together. He thanked me for letting him know that I felt the same way at that point and assured me that he really loved me. He said I "won" and also that he knows he should be willing to sacrifice the next four years to spend the following fifty years with me. He also said that he knew he wasn't going to be able to end it with me just because he loved me so much even though he had been planning on calling me for the past three days about this. A part of me liked hearing that, but I didn't like the way he said I "won". Me winning implies that he feels like he lost. I didn't want to feel like I was convincing him, I was just giving him my perspective since I went through almost the exact same thing.

We have a similar conversation about every three months. We both know that neither of us can handle the long distance thing much longer and when he gets into these slumps it's really hard for me to handle. I feel like he doesn't have to worry because he knows I'll always fight for him, but it's getting to the point where my heart can't take it anymore. His doubts and confusion I understand, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less. I'm just feeling like the next time he starts this conversation, I might just end up saying "screw it" and be done with it.

Has anyone been through anything similar? What did you do? Any tips for those of us who can't handle long distance very well? I just need to hear something from someone else that isn't a friend or family member. What do I do?

[redapple]

I'm hoping someone with a bit more of a similar experience will come forward with advice but in the meantime ill give you my thoughts.

You actually sound like you have a really healthy relationship, yes you have issues but you are talking about them calmly and maturely.

As for the wondering about whether he's missing out on other relationships by staying with you then the only thing I have to add is that that's never going to be something you can be sure of in my opinion. I don't believe their is one person for each if us, who is our soul mate and the only one who can make us happy. I think there is many people we could be happy with. So I think you and him need to think about what you feel is missing in your relationship that makes you think you could be happier with somebody else. If you can't think if anything and can just put your concerns down to human nature and thr whole grass is greener theory then I think your fine, we all have doubts, it's normal don't worry! But if you find these worries are stemming from genuine worries then maybe it's time to rethink and talk to each other about your problems.

[jleec24]

I actually am currently going through the same thing. I am my girlfriend's first love and she knows that she doesn't want to stay in this forever, she knows she will want to break up and experiment with other people because there is so much still left to do and see and feel. I often wish that I wasn't her first (she wasn't mine) so that she could have a few experiences already but this is just how it has to be. It's usually very unrealistic for highschool sweethearts to stay together forever. She says it's university, her time to find herself and experiment and such because she only gets one of that in her life.

What helps us or has helped us, is to focus not so much on how many more years we're going to last or how many years we have lasted and whether or not it is long enough or not. We just focus on the present and how we feel in that moment of time. We have decided if there is something there for each other, if we still love each other and want each other's company, if we still have just part of heart's in this relationship it is still worth a go. When the time comes and we both feel like we just don't have our hearts in it anymore and we just don't want it anymore, we will let go.

What also helped us is knowing that we made plans that will ease the distance in the future. For example I will be staying with her when I have breaks for a significant amount of time. She takes security in things being so much easier that way.

Also we do things that is sort of a reminder as to why we're together and that we love each other. There will be times where you will feel like giving up and what we do is just remind ourselves why we're in this, what feelings we harbour for each other. So we try to stay connected when we can. When we do homework sometimes we Skype and I just mute my microphone (she cannot multi-task for the life of her, but I can so I just listen to her talk to her homework whilst I do mine :P) so that it's just about being in each other's presence. My SO specifically likes getting presents, little cute things and surprises. So I try to send her letters with pictures inside or little crafts, an occasional package or I do something for her online out of the blue that plays her favourite things so that to make her smile. Stuff like that. Focus on the love!

[kelizabeths]

Thanks for the help guys! This whole thing is just so frustrating! When he goes into these slumps it's nearly impossible for me to fix until I get to actually see him in person. He gets stuck into this mindset and until he sees me again, and then everything is all fine again. The longer the break between visits the more he seems to push me away. He doesn't like to call/text/skype too much, he's much prefers everything in person and that's where the problem lies to begin with.

When we do actually talk on the phone, we have amazing conversations, but he doesn't like to do it all the time. We usually talk on the phone 1-2 nights a week while texting throughout the day, but neither of us like to text. Its always strained and it just makes us both annoyed with each other for no reason. I've told him I rather talk on the phone more and completely be done with texting, but he doesn't want to do that either.

It's usually fine between us and he's usually amazing, but it's the longer breaks between seeing each other when this entire "break up" possibility is brought up. I just don't know how to keep him from feeling like he wants to break up when we're separated like this...

[chanel_leigh]

I know exactly what you're going through!! I'm a freshman in college right now, and my boyfriend is a junior in high school about 2 hours away from where I'm going to school. My boyfriend always gets into these slumps too, and it is really hard for me to deal with! Every time I would go home and see him again, I would try to seriously talk to him about this relationship and the distance and he would say it's fine and that he can handle it, but the second I go back to school, he tells me it's too hard for him to handle again. I told him he can't keep doing this to me because he says the distance is too hard, so I think we're gonna call it off, but then he says "Nevermind, it's worth it." So I go through all this worrying over nothing.

My boyfriend doesn't really like talking on the phone much either, I don't think. But I told him I want to talk at least once a week.. We can't Skype because he doesn't have a way to, so that's really our only option. Texting can be hard too because it's hard to tell exactly what the other person means sometimes!But I definitely know how you feel when you just want to give up when that conversation always comes up about the distance being too hard.

Unfortunately for me, 2 nights ago, we did give up on it, but then right after we called it quits, he said he wanted to make it work so I'm just like AHHH. LDRs are so stressful!!

[jleec24]

Sometimes you slip into the mindset of "We don't need each other!" and it usually isn't for any other reason than because of the distance and the amount of distance you can become overwhelmed. Specially when you're so used to being with each other because there is no boundaries when it comes to ways of communication and action and so on and so fourth. Sometimes you can slip into that mindset because you're either having so much fun so you're thinking "We can have fun without the other" or because you're so upset that you think that maybe breaking up would just be better than being upset.

I suggest having a long serious talk about it, find the root problem and find a line for compromise. If the conversations you have are always amazing, can you perhaps try to add to that? Or keep in contact via facebook through the week when you can't talk on the phone or take one day off where you do something together online. Find a way to still stay connected as much as possible so you are both reminded of the love that you have for each other and you are reminded why the distance is worth it.

These happen and can be overcome! Just have a lengthy talk with him and find out what's really going on and how you both can compromise to fix it!

[efish1042]

I've stopped m boyfriend from breaking up with me twice. He's older than me and we had some really really tough times. We both contemplated ending it, but he actually started to go through with it (mostly due to his own irrational guilt, mind you).
I told him that he better be sure that's what he really wanted because I wasn't sure if I could start over again in the future.
What it really comes down to is, can you imagine living a perfectly happy life without them? With someone else? Guilt free? Or is it worth it to you to go the distance?
I'm not naive. I know that if something happened, I could potentially be just as happy with someone else. I don't believe in one true soul mate. But nevertheless, I don't want to. For one, I would feel too guilty. For two, I am too happy and too in love with my SO to let him go over the issue of distance. He means everything to me and it would hurt me more to be without him than it did to be away from him.
So it totally depends on how you two feel. You can do anything as long as you both want to. Here's for the best *cheers*.