Im I throwing away my Life?

[Tinansubuga]

hello, (sorry, wrong heading) This is going to be a quiet confusing post so bear with me. I met my Fiance when I was 12. I knew right there and then that he was the one. He was my first crush and my first everything Anyway he lives in Africa and I moved from Africa 6 years ago but I always go back to visit him every summer and last year, due to college placement in Uganda, we lived together for the year and I knew living together that long would tell us a lot about our relationship. we went through a lot but we managed to overcome. He is very good looking and when he walks into a room, girls just change their attitudes and start flirting with him so we dealt with me being a very jealous girlfriend but I eventually overcame it. On the 3rd of July this year, we lost our baby girl. at my young age of 20, that has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with but he was amazing throughout the whole thing, I never felt a lone.

He proposed on september 28th, I said yes in a heart beat because i love him so much. I am in my 3rd year at UNI, I graduate in 2014, and then I will move back to Africa to live with him until I figure out my next move for at least a year. I want to move to London with him and he wants so too so that we can start a life there together but Im worried that I involve him so much in my life and the thought of waking up one day without him there, terrifies the bejaysus out of me. I freak out when he is out very late because Im afraid he might get killed or in some kind of trouble. we have had fights over me asking about when he will be home and why did he not tell me where he went, people may think its jealous but it really isnt, Im just afraid something bad might happen to him and I wont be there to save him. That is my ultimate fear, I have nightmares about losing him. Thoughts anybody? (you may call me a crazy bitch , I will take that but don't call me possessive, he has plenty of friends who are girls and is free to harmlessly flirt and watch porn , I do it too, the flirting of course. I really did get over the jealous thing a long time ago)

[floridaellen]

Did the concern for his safety start or worsen after you lost your daughter? It could be some sort of post traumatic stress response - you don't want to lose another person that you love. If so, grief counseling or therapy could help.

I don't think you seem possessive at all. Ever since I was in a very frightening car accident I get overly worried about my SO's safety. Every time he goes somewhere I worry that he will be in an accident. If it takes him too long to get home, I have to text/call him to make sure he's okay. I'm working on doing that less and worrying less but it is very difficult. So I understand you.

My condolences for the loss of your baby girl. May she rest in peace.

[squeeker]

I think worrying about the one(s) you love is natural.. especially for women I think. Especially when you don't see them often and they are far away, it's easy to worry. If my SO wasn't online when I thought he would be, I tend to worry a lot and usually end up sending lots of messages and praying that he's okay, especially if it goes really long without hearing from him (that almost never happens, or I know ahead of time he's not going to have access to the internet or whatever it is). I know some people are more prone to worrying than others. I have an anxiety disorder so tend to worry more than the average person, and usually over things I really shouldn't worry over. Try and reassure yourself that he's okay and will respond when he can. I'm really sorry over the loss of your baby girl, that would be very tough I'm sure. And it could very well, like floridaellen said, cause you to worry more than you would have before. Congratulations on the engagement though, that's definitely exciting, and I wish you all the best in your relationship and with your future plans!

And to answer your main question: No I don't think you're throwing away your life! Your life is what YOU want it to be. If you're happy with him and your life and future plans together, then I think you are doing something right.

[Mfashnik]

The wonderful members above me have said it all. It is completely normal to worry about those you love especially after losing someone so special and so connected to you (my deepest sympathies- I cannot even imagine the heartbreak). Your fiance is your connection to that little girl and it is natural for you to worry about losing him. Don't let the concern of being crazy or possessive get in the way of your feelings. They are justified and regardless of what other people think, no one will understand the pain that you feel, and they have no right to judge you. I want to encourage you to be open with your fiance about these feelings and tell him that it is a legitimate concern for you to be without him, especially now. I also think it is important, if you are not already doing so, to talk to someone about your loss and the effect that it is having on your current relationship. I know that counseling is suggested frequently on this site, because it is so helpful to have someone to help work out your emotions with when you're in a long distance relationship. You mentioned you were a college student and most universities will offer some kind of counseling services. Many times they are free. I really encourage you to continue to seek support here and through the resources you have around you.

You sound like a very loving and caring young woman- not a crazy bitch. Do not let people make you think that way about yourself.