I need some advice... Girlfriend is calling on the phone too much.

[kiter02]

So I've been checking out this site for quite a while now, I've been in a LDR for the last 7 months and for the first 4 or 5 everything was great and smooth sailing but lately I have a problem that I haven't read a lot about with LDRs. A couple of months ago I called my girlfriend out of the blue because she was starting a new job and I wanted to wish her luck and see how if she was nervous or anything. She texted me later in the day and said she really digged the phone call and she would like to call me more often. Before that we talked on skype daily and maybe one phone call every two days if we didn't feel like getting our computers on for skype.

I have regretted making that phone call lately, because for the past 2 months my girlfriend has been calling me 4 to 6 times a day. Sometimes I do enjoy it, but other times I dread it, especially when I'm in the middle of something. I feel guilty if I ignore the phone call but I also don't enjoy dropping everything I'm doing in my day to talk on the phone with her for an hour. Don't get me wrong, I really do love talking to her, and I normally have a lot to say, I've talked to her everyday for 7 months and the conversations have yet to get dry, even with the calls 6 times a day. I am not worried about us getting bored of eachother, that's not the problem, the problem is I just need more space to live my life. We've seen eachother every month or two since we started dating and I would say a month out of our seven have been together.

Here's the hardest part of all of this for me, in January I plan to close the distance. I am leaving my life here in Oregon to travel to Utah and live with her. I will be leaving all my friends, my family and my life to be with her. It has been one of the hardest decisions of my life but whenever I ask myself if it's worth it I have no problems. She's the best girlfriend I've ever had but I'm just afraid of her losing herself. I feel like lately she's been relying too much on me for everything. The classic clingy girlfriend story. She goes to me for her entertainment, support, comfort, etc. She wants me to find an apartment for us to live in when I move there but she doesn't want to sign the lease. We're both in school and we both have jobs, but she in notorious for taking sick days off work and being late. I've had to call her before because she sleeps in during work sometimes. I told her I might just get my own place when I get there and she got all offended. Her family also offered to rent me a room in their house for the winter as they travel to Nevada to escape the snow. She completely shot the idea down because she's not comfortable with me talking to her family for whatever reason. I talk to them anyways and I feel like I get along very well with them.

So to sum things up and put them in a nutshell, I love this girl but she calls me too many times a day (4 to 6 usually), and I'm afraid of her getting too clingy and relying on me too much (I want her to be independent). Aside from these things our relationship is doing really well, and I just want to sort things out so they work out the best in the end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

[Black_Halloween]

Have you talked to her about it? Communication is key to any relationship.

[snow_girl]

Have you talked to her about it? Communication is key to any relationship.

This thread could be closed now, cause this is the very best advice!

[Sora1101]

If you have talked to her about it how did she respond? If it didn't go well try phasing it to sound like you aren't attacking her but rather expressing your feelings about these things. I know sometimes when I talk to my SO about things I forget to use my I words. Like "I feel like having 4-6 calls a day is excessive, I love talking to you but sometimes I need space to do things for me."

[ams.201220]

My boyfriend and I are like best friends. We go to each other for everything. So maybe she feels you're her best friend as well.
But as far as the excessive calls go, just tell her. My boyfriend doesn't have a laptop, so it's really hard to do anything other than call. But for months, I did call excessively and we almost broke up because I was getting too clingy. So really talk to her about it before things gets too bad. Good luck!

[nomnom_elf]

does she feel more out of her depth with the new job? When i moved away from my SO for my new job i often called more for reassurance in the first few weeks until i found my feet. Is she happy atm and keeping in contact with her own friends? If not you may see it as a bit clingy but it could be a warning sign of depression (along with skipping work, no longer interested in her hobbies etc). Its great that you are able to find things to talk about even in the amount of contact you seem to have. However saying that i sympathize with you needing to get on with your day tasks.

Perhaps agree on a limit to daily calls- 1- 2 brief ones, a text if you cannot answer to say you did register you got the call but couldn't respond. Her trying to control who you associate in her family isn't the best way of making you feel accepted into her home/ area. Especially you not knowing a soul, you are going to need all the support from her and others when you do eventually move. all the best.

[ThePiedPiper]

I definitely feel that this issue needs to be communicated. You don't even have to explicitly say you need the space. You could easily tell her that it's difficult for you when she calls at random to always answer the phone, because it means dropping whatever you're doing whenever you're doing it, and propose that you have phone calls at set times every night.

Secondly, the issue of you immediately moving in together is concerning, especially since she's shooting down every other idea when you're the one leaving your life behind... While many people have done it, it's also possible you two want to try being CD before taking the massive step of moving in with one another. There's already likely to be at least some tension - it's not an easy move to make - but moving in together could easily increase that (it has not in every circumstance, but it is not something I would ever immediately do if it could be avoided). Because you're the one making the move, you should be in charge of where you feel it would be best for you to stay. If that's your own place, then you need to not be a pushover. Part of the reason she's so far bulldozing her way (and I don't mean this negatively, but that is what seems to be happening) is that you've not asserted any differently. It sounds like she's gotten offended, and you've relinquished the argument to her? Same as not telling her not to call you 6 times throughout the day at random. She's not respecting you because you're not giving her someone to respect, as harsh as that may sound. I understand that saying "no" to your partner can sometimes hurt or that telling them not to do something can sometimes result in them getting offended or initially taking it the wrong way, but it's detrimental to you and them to continue allowing the behaviour to happen. That said, if you two do plan on moving in together, then by god, she should be helping you and she should be willing to have her damn name on the lease so that she's responsible for rent and bills as much as you are. She can either be willing to be an adult about getting an apartment, or you can get a separate apartment and you two can move in together when you're both ready.

Also, why doesn't she want you speaking with her family? This is worrisome if you two see this relationship lasting in the long run, which, seeing as you're willing to close the distance so soon, I'm assuming you do. I would sort this issue out as well, especially if you're talking with her family behind her back.

[meganpillow]

Well, actually I was that girl! My boyfriend told me that I was calling too much and I had no idea! Since he didn't say anything before, I kept calling it was no problem. Communication is essential. He told me gently and non-accusingly, so I completely understood and we call at nighttimes to say goodnight and text here and there throughout the day.

[iHeartt]

HAHA! I am that girl!! Like Megan, I never knew there was a problem until he told me (umm Friday actually). Actually Friday was a bit excessive. I'm getting ready to move to him in January and needed him to answer a few questions, offer suggestions, etc. I didn't even think of texting him. oops. But he told me, we talked about it, and now I know. And now, I'm hoping my phone calls will slow down! He is expecting me to be clingy when I first move up there because I won't know anyone. But he said he understands that.
My advise to you, talk to her about it. I kept calling because there was never an issue with me calling him. Until he mentioned it. Good luck to ya!