Our plans are no longer clear :(

[Coppertop87]

I live in Alberta Canada and my girlfriend lives in Newfoundland, Canada. We met about 5 months ago while I went for my vacation back there (it's where I'm from) and have been official for a little over 4 months. Before we met her plans was to finish high school and go to school in Ontario, Canada and pursue her dream career. That worried us at first because going to Ontario was not much of an option for me because I have been out working for a few years, have bills, no college education yet but make good money here. Ultimately she decided that her new dream was just to be with me and that the college was secondary and that she would come to Alberta and go to school here for something a little different. I felt horrible for putting her in a position where she would have to give up her dream school/job and she tried to tell me not to feel bad about it because she just wanted me and not some school and that she was over it and that it didn't really bother her that she would not go there. I flew her from Newfoundland to me in Alberta for a week in October and we had a great time. I am also going to Newfoundland for a week to see her in late January and also planned for May and then the summer when we would be together for good.

We got over that and started excitedly planning for September when she would go to school here and we would get our own place, she was excited, I was excited and knowing I only had until September to do the long distance thing was good. I was still feeling bad about her not going to the school she wanted though. She applied for other colleges as a backup plan incase she didn't get into the college here in Alberta or something happened between us. Of course her dream college was one of them and It became clear the last few days though that she was really desperate to go there again. She told me if she got accepted that she would not know how to say no but that being with me comes first.

If she goes there then we have at least at minimum another 2 years added to our long distance relationship and maybe longer if her job is in Ontario if I stay here. If she comes here then she would be going to a college and going into jobs she don't really want to pursue like here dream one.

I'm considering doing the long distance thing for longer, working my ass off to save for school and going to Ontario myself even though I hate it there and go to a College myself. I just see it ending up woth us penny pinching and paying off student loans and working less paying jobs, whereas if we are here it's good money, we can do a lot of traveling and be more financially secure but it will be really hard for me to pull this off.

I've been crushed and a mess the last 2 days thinking about not being together in September, we've both been crushed and she said that she decided to come here with me but I know she's just saying that not to hurt me. She wants to go to that College but also want to be with me.

Any advice on the situation?

[Coppertop87]

So basically..

If she comes here she is only doing it for me mostly, if I go there I am only do it for her mostly and if we stay long distance..well, we won't be together and that kills both of us to think about that. Besides this situation our relationship has been perfect. We really love each other and get along extremely well.

[Kristin91]

I feel like you have to let her decide what school to go to. If she chose the school near you just to be with you and ended up hating it, she'd regret it for the rest of her life.

Also, you've been together for 5 months... isn't it a little soon to be planning your entire future together, especially since she isn't even out of high school yet?

[ams.201220]

Seriously, don't stop her from achieving her goals. If she doesn't do something now, she may totally regret it later and your relationship will suffer for it. If you have to wait another two years to be with her, then wait. If you truly like her, then do what will truly make her happy. But this is just my opinion.

[Coppertop87]

Of course ultimately it's her decision, I never tried to convince her not to..I actually told her I would convince her to go there because I didn't want her to regret it and I would feel horrible also. If she does though, we won't be together so I guess I'm looking for advice how to deal with it or just venting I hate the distance.

Under normal circumstances you're right. It is early, but we just click so well and she is finishing school and we need to make some of these decisions. We don't want to be going through all this blindly not knowing what out path is.

[Coppertop87]

Seriously, don't stop her from achieving her goals. If she doesn't do something now, she may totally regret it later and your relationship will suffer for it. If you have to wait another two years to be with her, then wait. If you truly like her, then do what will truly make her happy. But this is just my opinion.

Yeah, I'm not trying to stop her at all, I told her I wouldn't know how to let her come here if she was just doing it for me. When I say the things about going there and penny pinching I'm mostly talking about me going there and my goals, I would like to travel a lot and stuff, she actually wants to also. Besides this our relationship has felt perfect, it just seems when it comes to location and careers our goals are different. I just feel like if she goes there it will be too hard. I know some will say if you love each other you will be able to do it but that works both ways. If you love each other a lot then distance can also make it unbearable.

[ams.201220]

I think you're just complaining rather than actually trying to find a way to cope with the distance. I don't know the mileage between you two, but you can visit each other and send letters and Skype. There are a lot of things you can do together. You just need to be willing to do it.

[ThePiedPiper]

I feel like you have to let her decide what school to go to. If she chose the school near you just to be with you and ended up hating it, she'd regret it for the rest of her life.

Also, you've been together for 5 months... isn't it a little soon to be planning your entire future together, especially since she isn't even out of high school yet?

This.

When it comes to choosing a college and a career, you come first. Individually, you both come first. The reason I say this is because no one wants to believe a break-up is going to happen and so no one wants to plan for what happens if it does, but you have to. Because things happen and things change and we all think we're going to be the exception until we aren't. *shrug* But our schooling? Our pursuit of a career? Yes, they change, but for the most part, they're consistent, and schooling at least is an opportunity that is easiest done sooner rather than later, even if it's also possible to do later.

Even if you two end up together forever, you have to realise that one of you is going to end up resenting the other. Yes, extended long-distance seems like a right pain in the arse. No one wants to be long distance for longer than they have to be. Distance hurts! But in the end, the temporary distance is worth not having the lifetime of resentment that will slowly build in you or in her because you felt forced into giving up what you wanted. There's a certain sense of individuality that comes with going to college and choosing a career and pursuing both to the maximum capacity that you can. There's a certain sense of growth that comes from those decisions and it's stunted if you make those decisions surrounding your partner. You feel it, you become resentful, and your relationship goes out with a bang. These are the consequences of not pursuing the schools and programs you want because right now, some years of distance seem like forever. In comparison to the rest of your lives, it's not.

Being together does not mean making sacrifices and forcing your lives to converge in some gnarled, twisted, tangle. Being together means growing from different roots into the same tree, being able to extend your branches in different directions while still being harmoniously together and flourishing. You cannot do that if you're both sacrificing opportunities you would otherwise go for. It does not seem like it now, but more than likely, she will hate you if she gives up her dream college/career for you (which it sounds like she's really not wanting to give up, if she gets accepted), and you will start to hate her if you go there for her and live in a place you hate and try to make school work for you. You're both kids. What's wrong with being kids? Many, many people make distance work, even if it's difficult, and you two can too. If your relationship would fall apart because of 2+ years of long distance? Then it would have fallen apart eventually anyway. It's not worth sacrificing yourselves to force something to work.

ETA: Posted before I saw any of the other responses. All I can say about distance is that you make it work because you have to and the anticipation of extended distance is often worse than the extended distance itself.

[Romeo s Juliet]

This.

When it comes to choosing a college and a career, you come first. Individually, you both come first. The reason I say this is because no one wants to believe a break-up is going to happen and so no one wants to plan for what happens if it does, but you have to. Because things happen and things change and we all think we're going to be the exception until we aren't. *shrug* But our schooling? Our pursuit of a career? Yes, they change, but for the most part, they're consistent, and schooling at least is an opportunity that is easiest done sooner rather than later, even if it's also possible to do later.

Even if you two end up together forever, you have to realise that one of you is going to end up resenting the other. Yes, extended long-distance seems like a right pain in the arse. No one wants to be long distance for longer than they have to be. Distance hurts! But in the end, the temporary distance is worth not having the lifetime of resentment that will slowly build in you or in her because you felt forced into giving up what you wanted. There's a certain sense of individuality that comes with going to college and choosing a career and pursuing both to the maximum capacity that you can. There's a certain sense of growth that comes from those decisions and it's stunted if you make those decisions surrounding your partner. You feel it, you become resentful, and your relationship goes out with a bang. These are the consequences of not pursuing the schools and programs you want because right now, some years of distance seem like forever. In comparison to the rest of your lives, it's not.

Being together does not mean making sacrifices and forcing your lives to converge in some gnarled, twisted, tangle. Being together means growing from different roots into the same tree, being able to extend your branches in different directions while still being harmoniously together and flourishing. You cannot do that if you're both sacrificing opportunities you would otherwise go for. It does not seem like it now, but more than likely, she will hate you if she gives up her dream college/career for you (which it sounds like she's really not wanting to give up, if she gets accepted), and you will start to hate her if you go there for her and live in a place you hate and try to make school work for you. You're both kids. What's wrong with being kids? Many, many people make distance work, even if it's difficult, and you two can too. If your relationship would fall apart because of 2+ years of long distance? Then it would have fallen apart eventually anyway. It's not worth sacrificing yourselves to force something to work.

ETA: Posted before I saw any of the other responses. All I can say about distance is that you make it work because you have to and the anticipation of extended distance is often worse than the extended distance itself.

this is such wise words i needed to hear this

[MadMolly]

Can she take a gap year and spend it in Alberta with you just working, then go to college in Ontario after that? You'd be long distance again but at least you would know if it was going to work out as a relationship before making any major sacrifices.

[Coppertop87]

Can she take a gap year and spend it in Alberta with you just working, then go to college in Ontario after that? You'd be long distance again but at least you would know if it was going to work out as a relationship before making any major sacrifices.

I guess I was kinda complaining and venting. It's just that she made it seem like she no longer wanted to go to the school then all of a sudden she does again after us excidedly talking about how awesome it would be to live together in September, now all of a sudden we couldn't again. I understand it though, she was passionate about the school and got that urge back.

In saying that, I need to go back to school myself just that I won't be ready by September and would like to have a year after Septemeber to save. I told her I found a good program at a college right next to hers and that I'd move there when I could. I knew she's be happy that she would get to go to the school but that she would not be happy about another year of distance added on. She suggested that she come to Alberta to work for a year and save for her student loan, then we both go there together to start school meaning after Septemeber there would be no distance at all. Obviously this is the best case scenario, I just didn't think if she decided she would go to the school that she would delay it for a year if accepted. So things are back on the right track now..just ideas, nothing is set in stone. I need to research the program I plan to do a lot more and make sure it will be worth it job wise.

I was never trying to get her to stop her dreams, she convinced me and herself that it wasn't a dream anymore so I was fine with it, then the dream came back and I was just emotional that I couldn't close the distance like were were so excited about, it was kinda crushing. She told me that while she wouldn't know how to say no to an acceptance letter that she would also not be able to be away from me for that long..the problem is I didn't want her to come here just for me so basically it's like there was a problem every way we turned.

Anyway, wish me the best

[rach92g]

I was sort of in your same situation almost 3 years ago. My SO and I went to high school together and have been together since my freshman year, his sophomore year of high school. After he graduated, his dad's job moved to California, so he found a college out there to go to, and I was left in our hometown in Georgia to finish high school. I did stay in GA for college because we have a good state scholarship program for residents. It SUCKS that he is so far away from me, but it helps knowing that he is out there persuing his dream to become a pilot, and that I am here taking classes in order for us to have a great life together. I truly believe that ya'll could make it long distance for 2 years because I am living proof of it. We are two and a half years of long distance and counting. The fact that you would be working and she would be persuing her dream should make it just a little bit easier because you can keep those things in mind and know that they are for the best, they are going to help you in the long run. That's what you have to look at, what's best for your relationship in the long run to make you have a great future. Just take it day by day. Skype and smart phones are the best way to get through an LDR, and it only makes your relationship stonger and your love for one another deeper.

[Sora1101]

same exact thing happened to me. I planned to move to my SO after I graduated high school but later I was offered a full ride college scholarship and now I'm stuck here for another two years. We both decided it was too big of an opportunity for me to pass up. Sure it's hard and it really sucks because there was only like 3 months until I was due to move to my SO but life gets in the way and there's nothing you can do about it.

There's no magic secret as to how to deal with the distance, you just suck it up and do it because you love your SO and suffering through this is worth it because your SO is worth it.

If she decides to go to this school it's her choice and you need to respect that. You then have two choices, deal with and stay LD or break up with her. You need to decide what is best for you as well, you shouldn't get upset with her if she chooses what's best for her in the long run.

[Coppertop87]

Good hearing advice from the last few posters who went through this. Just keep in ind guys I never have or will be upset with her for going to the school. I was just upset at the situation itself because I really wanna be with her. We'll get through it. Thanks.