Feeling lonely and unvalidated

[acrf92]

Hello all,

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here so just to give you a frame of reference of my LDR: we’re high school sweethearts. We have been together going on 4 years now (this is our 3rd year of college and thus our 3rd year of long distance). We are engaged and plan to get married somewhere around summer 2014 (after we graduate with our bachelor’s degrees). We are CD for the summer and all school breaks and he visits every month by greyhound.

My situation is not unique in the least. But that’s why I think you’ll be able to help me. I’m having an issue with feeling blown off, neglected, not made a priority, and my feelings are not being validated by my SO. I feel this way because my SO has been especially busy as of late. The heart of the issue is that when I do try to reach out to my SO I am not getting his undivided attention. Whatsoever. I’d say 80% or more… of our communication is transmitted via text. Boom. That’s already super impersonal in and of itself as a method of communicating. And when it makes up the majority of your connection with your SO it can start to feel pretty lonely and robotic. Well, the thing is he DOES call on the phone relatively frequently but often I don’t pick up because I’m busy and/or I have less of an inclination to do so because when we try to talk on the phone he’s busy doing other things or will stop to talk to anyone that walks by while he’s on the phone, etc. A.k.a I’m not getting his undivided attention. In which case I throw in the towel and say screw it. At least when we’re texting I don’t have to put up with getting interrupted mid-sentence as he talks to someone else…

Then there’s Skype. We rarely, rarely ever Skype because most of the time it ends in a fight. This is (from where I’m standing at least) because he can never give me one on one attention then either. If we’re Skyping he’ll be doing other things on the internet or eating and watching TV or he’ll just up and have a conversation with someone where he is. Majority of the time even if he IS talking to me, he’s not even looking at me! What is the point in Skyping if he won’t even pull his eyes off the TV to look at me? I find it extremely rude and usually end up just hanging up on him. So needless to say, I straight up avoid Skype (which I wish I didn’t because it is such a great tool for long distance relationships…).

Yes, I tried to talk to him about all of this today. It was via texting because we were both at school. But nothing was resolved. When I told him I felt neglected from not getting any undivided attention ever while he’s at school (and listed those examples) all he did was deny it. He just said he doesn’t do those things. Well, there goes any validation of my feelings when he just straight tells me I’m wrong and therefore my feelings are unjust. How am I or we supposed to fix anything if he won’t even admit these things are happening? Needless to say we played the blame game for a couple hours and then I just stopped talking to him. He just threw excuses at me and then tried to blame me by saying I don’t show interest in the things he does talk about and you get the picture. We’re just blaming each other. And from what I can tell he just denies any wrong doing leaving me with no idea how to resolve this. All I want is some undivided attention. Even if since he’s super busy it was only like 30 minutes out of his day. Is that really too much to ask? Go ahead and let me know what you think and how I should go about dealing with this. I appreciate it.

[lyonsgirl]

I understand your problem, and I face it too on a regular basis. Neither my SO nor I are in college anymore, but it's a struggle. Our work schedules are practically polar opposites, he lives at home with his family, I live alone in a place with barely any connections outside of work.

I've learned that I can get mad at him for talking to other people/eating/watching TV/etc while we're talking, or I can just let it go. It's easier to get mad, I admit. I do it. I feel the same way you do - why can't he just give me the undivided attention I need, even if it's only for 30 minutes? I have a feeling he probably doesn't even notice he's doing those things to you - and all you can really do, if you want to resolve this, is be patient with him. Yelling/fighting/arguing won't fix it, honestly, it will probably just make it worse.

Men are, by nature, more comfortable having any kind of conversation sitting next to the person they are talking to, rather than across from. Women prefer to be across from them, so we can judge the other person's facial/body expressions. Men want to avoid the eye contact.

I think it's probably in your best interest to stop playing the blame game. Be happy when he DOES call - and if you're not answering because you just don't want to talk, then, honestly, I don't think you have any right to get mad at him for not calling. If you're in class/studying/etc, send him a text and tell him that, and let him know when you are available to talk.

I know it's hard, but I also know it's worth it. You two are planning to get married - you need to be able to resolve your arguments rather than just stuffing it back down in and not talking about it. You BOTH need to understand each other's perspective, and make some sacrifices for each other. Take a deep breath. You'll be okay.

[Sora1101]

Honestly in my own opinion even though this is going to sound harsh I don't mean it harshly.

You are a very lucky person and you should stop whining.

I talk to my SO on the phone maybe 10 minutes a day tops and during any video chat we've ever done I've never held his undivided attention. I'd say 99% of our communication is through text and I see my SO once maybe if I'm super lucky twice a year for about 3 days average and know many people here who are in similar situations to mine.

What you have is an SO who is probably very busy with school and maintaining his everyday life, I don't see how you can fairly justify asking for his undivided attention when he's AT school. (maybe this is a typo?). That said I can understand why you would be upset about him blowing off your feelings. Anyone would be hurt if someone denied your honest feelings. I would talk to him about this in a very un-accusatory way, sometimes when you use a lot of you words in an argument it can make your SO feel ambushed so try framing it around yourself (I feel like my feelings are being ignored, I think that sometimes I am being blown off, am I right? etc.)

However I do think you're asking for a lot, even if it's just half an hour of undivided attention there's a lot people can get done in half an hour. Have you asked him how busy he is on a daily basis? Maybe he's feeling very overwhelmed and therefore is trying to multitask when he talks to you and doesn't tell you how he's feeling because most guys don't like showing weakness? The only suggestion I can make is setting up a "date night" where you both pick a day that is usually not busy for the both of you and schedule everything else around it, then during "date night" you can have your time of attention.

Oh and I'd like to add maybe your SO is also feeling a bit blown off because even when he does try to call him you don't answer, he could be feeling very hurt himself so he's putting in less effort because that's what he sees you doing? you really should talk about that too.

[frompanthertomustang]

I'm in almost an identical situation to yours, but one year behind. I also have problems with getting my boyfriend's undivided attention: though he only has a single major and I have two majors and a minor, his major is far more demanding than mine. I used to get extremely frustrated when he chose to spend his free time doing next to nothing when he could have been talking to me.

I'm trying to accept the limited amount of time we get to talk and see each other right now: I figure that it'll all pay off in the end when we close the distance! I know it's really hard to think like that... I'm still trying to work on training myself to do so. However, for me, it helps to see the light at the end of the tunnel instead of the tunnel itself. If he is denying that he's doing these things, he probably truly doesn't realize that he's doing them. I agree with lyonsgirl in that it may be better not to fight with him about that. Choosing your battles is really important in a relationship (also something I'm working on myself.) He is calling you, so you still have his attention. Even if you're afraid it may cause fights, I'd attempt to talk on the phone or Skype some more. Good luck!

[Kiyama]

I hear you
My SO has a super busy job and we've got a time difference of nine hours. Or talk time during the week can be very limited. We usually manage to talk but often only a few minutes in which he is in his office and not in a meeting but even then he'll be answering emails and such.
I know rationally it cannot be helped but sometimes I explode. He calls from home and his first sentence is he needs to do this and that for work within 20 minutes so I'm like what?! You can't even take a minute to say hello and ask how I am instead of being rude?
At the same time I'm super busy too and in all honesty, I wouldn't have the time to call when I'm at work. Impossible!

So to cut a long story short, I agree with Lyonsgirl. There is no point blaming and giving him a hard time constantly. That won't put him in the mood of talking to you. I don't think he does it because he doesn't care.
And I have another suggestion: do you guys have a date night? We have one on Sunday night and that's the time we focus completely on each other. Skype, cook, play games, talk... And no other activities allowed! It works and it compensates for annoying weeks when you didn't get to talk much

[XxFranticLovexX]

I agree with lyonsgirl and sora. I would be upset that he's basically saying that you're lying about what he's doing and not validating how you feel, but you also need to stop playing the game of not answering the phone and hanging up calls because he's not only focused on you. When you are together in person do you spend time together, one on one, with absolutely no other distractions, even the tv? I don't know of any couples that give there undivided attention to one another frequently. When I'm talking to my SO while long distance he is usually always doing something else or talking to someone else. Just because he's watching tv or eating doesn't mean that he isn't paying attention to you. A big part of your time together once you get married will probably be while doing exactly that; eating your meals or watching tv. Why not make part of your skype time eating dinner and watching something together? My SO is usually either eating, playing a game, talking to someone else, or doing something else when we talk. The only thing out of that which bothers me is when he's trying to talk to me along with someone else at the same time.. but that's just because when you're trying to hold a conversation with more than one person you will not really be focused on either conversation and miss part of what they are both saying. I don't really get upset with him over it because I do the same things. It's not really fair to expect someone to do absolutely nothing except talk to you when you're not physically there and they could be doing something they find to be entertaining/productive while having you with them, especially while on the phone. It can actually make some activities more tolerable to have someone you care about around to talk to while doing them.

My advice would be to work on how you are acting toward him (avoiding calls, getting angry over him watching tv/eating while on skype, etc), then once you see the faults in your actions as well, talk to him about the two of you working together and compromising on making communicating a fun, tolerable, experience for you both.

Honestly, you are engaged. Fighting over lack of meaningful communication and neither of you putting effort into compromising and changing how you act isn't a good foundation for a marriage at all and can even be a cause for divorce later on.

[acrf92]

Thank you to those who read and responded. I took your advice to heart and really appreciate it.