Ultimatum- experiencing college dating or having an LDR
Hello all,
I'm going to try and make this fairly short. My boyfriend and I met in boarding school. We never chose to get together because we thought it would mean never breaking up. I know, I know, but we never thought we were going to fall for each other so hard. It was a fling at first. Well, by May 2011, it was no longer a fling, and we spent every day we could together during the summer. Same with this last summer. We have now been in a long distance relationship, seeing one another on breaks, for nearly two and a half years.
This past year was incredibly hard. He went off to college in San Francisco after living in Florida going to community college. I have been at college in Virginia, even when he was going to community college. Anyways, this has been tough. Last year when I was away at college I wanted to have a year to explore college dating, I never dated anyone, only choosing to hook up with a few people. He said he was okay with this, but that he wanted me to tell him about it when it happened. Well, I never did, he got hurt, long story short we're still together and after my putting the same pressure on him this year (you have to tell me rule), he realizes why those things happened. In terms of this year, he has told me he wants what I had: the crazy college experience. There has been a lot of pressure from his friends and older brothers to do this as well. He doesn't want just a year and to be able to hook up with people though, he wants to actually go date other people. I didn't want that. So with all this, this semester has been hard as well to get through. Let's just say we're both going through divorces in our family, family deaths, all of it. It has been tough. Finally, I realized that I could not sit back and be his friend while he dated other people. Recently, I told him that if he was going to actually go out and date people, that I would not be his friend (maybe in a year or two, but absolutely not going to stand by and watch the love of my life date others, it would crush me). I told him I wanted the commitment.
The ball is now in his court, he doesn't have the same crazy "in love" feelings had in the beginning, but he loves me to death, and we've talked about marriage, kids, all of it. He's my best friend, and I am his. We still try to talk as much as possible, usually the longest conversation is about four hours once a week to catch up because we are always so busy. We are unable to talk much during the week because among other things he has a hard time texting while doing all of his work. I know that he wants to end up with me, through talking to his friends (didn't pry for info, they just told me) and a recent trip I spontaneously took to San Francisco for a day. I know he can see it all with me, but he wants to experience dating while he's in college to make sure I'm the right girl. He's only ever dated two people, so I can understand why. I want to give him the freedom to do this so badly, but it will just hurt way too much. He has stopped saying things like I love you and goodnight to me because he does not want to lead me on anymore. On the other hand when we discussed all this, after my trip to San Francisco, he did finally say I love you. He has also said "I want to date other people... but I don't want to lose my best friend" I asked if he could see me never doing little things like sitting on his lap again, and he smiled and said "not really."
I know I've given a fast and short version of everything but..
All of that said, if you were in this position, what would you have done? What would you consider doing? Could you stand by and watch someone you want to marry someday date others, or would you try and get over them while they went off and dated, even knowing that they will likely come back to you afterwards?
I'm going to try and make this fairly short. My boyfriend and I met in boarding school. We never chose to get together because we thought it would mean never breaking up. I know, I know, but we never thought we were going to fall for each other so hard. It was a fling at first. Well, by May 2011, it was no longer a fling, and we spent every day we could together during the summer. Same with this last summer. We have now been in a long distance relationship, seeing one another on breaks, for nearly two and a half years.
This past year was incredibly hard. He went off to college in San Francisco after living in Florida going to community college. I have been at college in Virginia, even when he was going to community college. Anyways, this has been tough. Last year when I was away at college I wanted to have a year to explore college dating, I never dated anyone, only choosing to hook up with a few people. He said he was okay with this, but that he wanted me to tell him about it when it happened. Well, I never did, he got hurt, long story short we're still together and after my putting the same pressure on him this year (you have to tell me rule), he realizes why those things happened. In terms of this year, he has told me he wants what I had: the crazy college experience. There has been a lot of pressure from his friends and older brothers to do this as well. He doesn't want just a year and to be able to hook up with people though, he wants to actually go date other people. I didn't want that. So with all this, this semester has been hard as well to get through. Let's just say we're both going through divorces in our family, family deaths, all of it. It has been tough. Finally, I realized that I could not sit back and be his friend while he dated other people. Recently, I told him that if he was going to actually go out and date people, that I would not be his friend (maybe in a year or two, but absolutely not going to stand by and watch the love of my life date others, it would crush me). I told him I wanted the commitment.
The ball is now in his court, he doesn't have the same crazy "in love" feelings had in the beginning, but he loves me to death, and we've talked about marriage, kids, all of it. He's my best friend, and I am his. We still try to talk as much as possible, usually the longest conversation is about four hours once a week to catch up because we are always so busy. We are unable to talk much during the week because among other things he has a hard time texting while doing all of his work. I know that he wants to end up with me, through talking to his friends (didn't pry for info, they just told me) and a recent trip I spontaneously took to San Francisco for a day. I know he can see it all with me, but he wants to experience dating while he's in college to make sure I'm the right girl. He's only ever dated two people, so I can understand why. I want to give him the freedom to do this so badly, but it will just hurt way too much. He has stopped saying things like I love you and goodnight to me because he does not want to lead me on anymore. On the other hand when we discussed all this, after my trip to San Francisco, he did finally say I love you. He has also said "I want to date other people... but I don't want to lose my best friend" I asked if he could see me never doing little things like sitting on his lap again, and he smiled and said "not really."
I know I've given a fast and short version of everything but..
All of that said, if you were in this position, what would you have done? What would you consider doing? Could you stand by and watch someone you want to marry someday date others, or would you try and get over them while they went off and dated, even knowing that they will likely come back to you afterwards?
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