I Need Help Don't Know how to handle this!

[HoldMeImAFermata]

Here's some background first.....Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year now and we've been long distance from the beginning. She's the best person to come into my life in a long time and I love her dearly as does she love me. One of the biggest issues for us has been our ages I'm 20 but she's 16 and I know that sounds bad to some of you but she's very mature for her age in some ways and I'm not trying to take advantage of her I could never anyway because I'm physically disabled. Also some of you might automatically be thinking well love know's no age limit and that is true but it has created a lot of road blocks. She also is my first real relationship the first girl who gave me any chance and I always will remember that. It will always make her very special to me. But here are my issues because she is so young and can't drive yet and is not of legal age her parents can still tell her what to do. For that reasons for the most part I'm the only one doing the traveling she has visited me only twice in 12 months and each time it is only for the day. However, when I visit its always for 2 days or more and although her parents have gotten to know me and really like me they don't make it very easy. I've offered them a place to stay (meaning her and her Mom or Dad) we have a couple of air mattresses at my house since they said it was a money issue but they never take me up on the offer. So the fact that I have to do most of the work in our relationship is an issue that is really frustrating for me especially because I am a wheelchair user. Also we are mentally and maturity level wise on the same page, but emotionally and psychically we are not. She obviously is still in High School so she's only just starting to think about her future when I'm in the real world and have a plan. And this is not the hugest issue it definitely is not as big of a deal as everything else but combined with the rest it puts me over the edge a little. She won't have protected or even oral sex with me. I am mature and I haven't pressures her though (and don't be like well how can you have sex anyway just because I have a disability doesn't make me unable to). Anyway getting to the point I think we will end up together in the end and I really hope we do because I know that one day when the distance is not between us I'd like to end up with this nonjudgmental girl who loves me for me. However, I don't think we should be together exclusively right now as we are in different places in our lives. I can't commit to her for my entire life when she's only the first girl I've ever been with. I feel I haven't had enough experiences with relationships. As weird as it sounds I wanna have some crappy relationships so I know what I want most in a SO! So my question is this how do I end this without breaking her heart? I really do love her and don't want her to hate me because I still will love her probably always will. I wouldn't mind being in an open relationship thats really what I want the lesser of two evils but I don't think she would be okay with that she is not the jealous type but has said in the past I don't like to share. She's never really tried one though so maybe if its with me she would? But how can I ask for that? Anyway let me know what you all think because I'm between a rock and a hard place with this

[Tooki]

Do you want to break up with your GF because you don't want to be with her or is it just to know what it is to lose a girl?

You said it yourself, her parents do still have some degree of control over your SO. In regards to sex, she is still young so it's reasonable to expect that she isn't ready for certain things yet. If that's an issue for you, reconsider the relationship or wait for her to be ready. From everything that you have said, this isn't a situation that will be easily fixed. With that said, if you do break up with your GF, don't expect her to just wait for you. It's the risk that you will make if you do break up with her.

If it's the second part, get over yourself and don't do it.

This is really just food for thought. Good luck.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

You say you want to end up together, but you don't want to be together now, and you don't know what it is you want out of an SO.

Look, I'm a firm believer that when you go into a break up, you expect that to be it. Forever. Because if you're breaking up with her and hoping that one day it'll all work out again... 1.) You're going to stop yourself moving on from this relationship. You'll compare other girls to her, you'll take longer to get over her because you'll be expecting that all the romance will always still be there, and the truth is, it's not. 2.) You're going to stop her from moving on, because every time she starts seeing someone else, you're going to intervene, because you'll be scared that the new guy in her life is going to be better for her than you. Which isn't fair to her, because you'll be stringing her along. 3.) If you don't know what you want out of an SO, why are you so sure you want to be with her long term? And if you were sure, you wouldn't feel the desire to date around, because you'd know what you want, and it'd be her.

She's young, she's not ready for a sexual relationship, and she also doesn't want to be in an open relationship. If you break up with her, respect that. Don't lead her on. Don't break up hoping to get back together, because you'll end up doing more damage to each other than just breaking up. Don't expect her to wait for you. And also, don't abuse the power you have over her. Let her go.

In terms of her age and her being able to visit you, the fact that she's 16 and her parents are letting her see you, and letting you stay with them, is a big deal. That amount of trust in a stranger, with their child, is significant. There are a lot of parents who would NOT let their child meet a 20 year old they'd met online, let alone continue a relationship with them. Things may change the older she gets, but if she can't visit you often because her parents can't afford it, don't blame her. She's still their child, still young enough to be under their rules, so it's their decision. I'm sure if she was 18, you'd be able to visit longer, and she'd be able to stay with you, but she's not older. She's 16. The decisions she makes are overruled by what her parents think are acceptable for her.

On that note, I think it's unfair for you to say "I have to do most of the travelling, which is unfair because I'm in a wheelchair". I think she could equally say "It wouldn't be fair of me to do most of the travelling, because I'm 16 years old, and my parents are supporting me, and I can only go when they can get the time to come with me". If you look at it from both sides, you're in a better position, being an adult, and being able to make your own decisions and afford these things yourself. You're more mature, and more independent. If you can't handle that, at this point in your relationship, you're going to have to do most of the travelling, then breaking up is your only option really.

[dragonlady]

like the former posters say!
when i read it the first thought was what an asshole!! taking the easy way out because he want other girls?? what a smuk!

my first boyfriend was older then i was he always sad that one coke you buy me is as much as the ten i buy you!
be patience your still wett behind your ears! if you love this girl then have the balls to see it to the end!
and sex pff i had one guy with a dick so small i even couldn't feel it but boy! could he lick!!!!

the possibleties are only as smal as you imagination!
damn my SO is able to make me come with his voice alone
you have a hole life in front of you be a man and do your best!

[aniay]

I have to agree with other people, If you are not ready to wait for the other person... sorry but it will not work out, you can't have cake and eat the cake in a 'serious' relationship.

Being 20 you still think A LOT like a teenager even though you might not agree, been there done that.

I know a couple where she was 20 and he was 16... They were LDR for 4 years, living in diferent part of countries but she was SURE the guy was the one, she traveled all the time and she waited for him.

After four years she moved to him and from what I know they are still together (so 14 years together now)

[HoldMeImAFermata]

First off to dragon lady way to rub it in that you're having sex but I'm not. And by no means am I looking to take an easy way out no way is easy. I don't come here to beg judged so if you're going to call me an asshole don't say anything at all. That being said thank you to the first two responders for the advice. I'm not sure what you're asking though Tooki. I of course don't want to break up with her but I don't feel like I can handle the distance for like another four years when I'm doing everything in this relationship. Love is a two way street and I shouldn't have to be the only one making an effort. I also never said I would expect her to wait around for me if we were to split up. That would be a very dumb thought to have and I would hope she would date other people. Thats why I feel opening our relationship which is very common in our modern world would be good for us for a while. I'm not the jealous type I wouldn't care if she found another guy to see when I'm not around. And LFAD Addict whiie I appreciate you trying to get me to see how she would feel, which I already have thought about. You seem to be defending her when you don't even know her. Plus I never in my post said she should have to do all the work from now on only to make more even. I'm not a stranger to her parents anymore and thats why I don't get why they won't compromise and bring her here a little more. I get that they have money issues but I make a steady income and I could pay for her to come here just as easily as I pay for my trips to see her. Plus I don't know what you mean they never let me stay at their house not that I could even if I wanted to it's not accessible. Never did I say I blame her either I blame her parents for letting their pride get in the way. What's the big deal I'm her boyfriend and I have money to spend. For what I said about knowing more what I want in an SO I know what I want in a relationship but I don't think its normal to commit to the first person who you fall in love with for your whole life. I mean seriously are you three going to sit there and tell me you are going to marry the first person you dated? Of course you aren't that rarely happens and when it does those marriages many times end in divorce because those people are left wondering what they missed. Everyone seems to be angry that I'm asking for advice isn't this forum supposed to be welcoming? You're being extremely negative.

[Sora1101]

First off to dragon lady way to rub it in that you're having sex but I'm not. And by no means am I looking to take an easy way out no way is easy. I don't come here to beg judged so if you're going to call me an asshole don't say anything at all. That being said thank you to the first two responders for the advice. I'm not sure what you're asking though Tooki. I of course don't want to break up with her but I don't feel like I can handle the distance for like another four years when I'm doing everything in this relationship. Love is a two way street and I shouldn't have to be the only one making an effort. I also never said I would expect her to wait around for me if we were to split up. That would be a very dumb thought to have and I would hope she would date other people. Thats why I feel opening our relationship which is very common in our modern world would be good for us for a while. I'm not the jealous type I wouldn't care if she found another guy to see when I'm not around. And LFAD Addict whiie I appreciate you trying to get me to see how she would feel, which I already have thought about. You seem to be defending her when you don't even know her. Plus I never in my post said she should have to do all the work from now on only to make more even. I'm not a stranger to her parents anymore and thats why I don't get why they won't compromise and bring her here a little more. I get that they have money issues but I make a steady income and I could pay for her to come here just as easily as I pay for my trips to see her. Plus I don't know what you mean they never let me stay at their house not that I could even if I wanted to it's not accessible. Never did I say I blame her either I blame her parents for letting their pride get in the way. What's the big deal I'm her boyfriend and I have money to spend. For what I said about knowing more what I want in an SO I know what I want in a relationship but I don't think its normal to commit to the first person who you fall in love with for your whole life. I mean seriously are you three going to sit there and tell me you are going to marry the first person you dated? Of course you aren't that rarely happens and when it does those marriages many times end in divorce because those people are left wondering what they missed. Everyone seems to be angry that I'm asking for advice isn't this forum supposed to be welcoming? You're being extremely negative.

I really don't have much to add as I was once in your position, I was 15 when I met my SO and he was 20 so to me, as someone who went through this process (especially without parental support), I honestly think you're taking the easy way out. And while the easy way out might not be easy per say but it is easier than committing to your SO. My SO was the one that had to travel to me until I was 18 and we're nearly the whole country apart, it's a sacrifice yes, but he found it more than worth it. I'd also like to add that my SO is the only serious relationship I've ever had and I don't give two craps about what else/who else is out there. I love my SO and he is more than enough for me. If you don't feel that way about your SO then maybe you don't truly love her as someone more than a friend.

On the note of everyone seeming kind of negative I think maybe you unintentionally hit a nerve. Your post kind of comes off as "woe is me" though you probably didn't mean it to sound that way, and many of us here have been through some of your situation and haven't tried to hold onto an SO as what seems like a back up to you honestly. Our community is known for giving honest advice whether it be hurtful or what you don't want to hear, we strive to provide you with advice based on our own experiences. We don't sugar coat things and most of us here happen to be quite blunt. But we are a very welcoming community, we're a family here and as such we try overly hard to protect each other from making dumb mistakes.

[lyonsgirl]

I'm struggling with this for a few reasons.

1) You mention sex.
2) You mention your place in life.
3) You mention your levels of maturity.

I think in that order. (It's hard for me to read walls of texts.) So... what I got out of your posts is that you want to break up with her because she's unwilling to have sex with you. She's 16. I think it's smart of her to wait until she's older/ready. Good for you, though, for not pressuring her. (Although if you are asking her every time you see each other about it, I imagine she's feeling pressured.)

As for points 2 and 3: I assume that you live on your own. Or do you still live at home with your family? What do you do? College/job/other? From the sounds of it you at least work a part-time job and so you can afford the visits. Chances are her parents aren't willing to bring her to you as often as you'd like because it's not just about the money. For them it's also the time. You live what, 2 hours apart? That's a 4 hour drive. Sure, they can stay with you, but if I were them, I would feel weird about staying with my kid's boyfriend. And then what are they going to do the entire time she's visiting you?

But, I do also understand your side. I am always the one to visit my fiancé. It does get a little tiring, always having to be the one to travel. But if you look at it from a different perspective, it helps. For me, I have to spend $$$ on flights for a mere possible 48ish hours with my soon-to-be husband. And then I have to sit in airports, on planes, go through security, etc for a solid 4-5 hours (x2). I could look at it as a huge drag. Instead, it's part of the adventure. I've learned to love traveling - even if it's to the same airport. I try new things at the airports I visit, look in different stores during my layovers. Keep a positive attitude - it honestly does help.

And point 3... I'll be honest. The first thing I thought wasn't "oh she's a mature 16 yr old" but "so if they're on the same level of maturity, he's still acting like a high school sophomore?" I'm not trying to be negative here - it was just my first thought.

To answer your question though: there is no easy way to break up with someone. No matter what, someone will end up heart broken/sad/in tears. It's part of life. If you truly want to find a new relationship, break up with her sooner rather than later. Please, for both of you, don't drag it out any longer than it has to be. Side note: DO NOT do it via text/email. At least have the courtesy to do it over the phone, if you can't make another trip there.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

LFAD Addict whiie I appreciate you trying to get me to see how she would feel, which I already have thought about. You seem to be defending her when you don't even know her.

I'm sorry if my advice seems to come off as defending her, but to me, your post came off very much you worrying about your issues with this relationship, and I wanted to point out the things you may not have considered that could be affecting her. She's not here to speak her half, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Plus I never in my post said she should have to do all the work from now on only to make more even. I'm not a stranger to her parents anymore and thats why I don't get why they won't compromise and bring her here a little more. I get that they have money issues but I make a steady income and I could pay for her to come here just as easily as I pay for my trips to see her.

I didn't say she should either. I'm just saying you're in a better position to do more of the travelling. I travel to see my SO twice as much as he comes to me, and that's because my time is more flexible. It means I'm in a better position to do more travelling. I accept that if I want to see my SO as much as I can, I'm going to have to do the travelling.

In terms of her parents, it's not their relationship. When they bring her to you, they are doing you a favour. They don't have to compromise, because they're already going out of their way to give up the time and money to bring her to you. It's not about her effort, she may WANT to come see you more, but it's completely up to her parents to do you the favour.

In terms of the money, it might not be about the money, but be a condition they have with her that they always come with her to look after her. Although you might not be a stranger, she is still 16, which is WHY they want to come too. They're protecting her.

Plus I don't know what you mean they never let me stay at their house not that I could even if I wanted to it's not accessible.

Sorry, I made an assumption.

Never did I say I blame her either I blame her parents for letting their pride get in the way.

Neither did I - it's not pride, it's them taking care of their child.

For what I said about knowing more what I want in an SO I know what I want in a relationship but I don't think its normal to commit to the first person who you fall in love with for your whole life. I mean seriously are you three going to sit there and tell me you are going to marry the first person you dated? Of course you aren't that rarely happens and when it does those marriages many times end in divorce because those people are left wondering what they missed.

No, I don't think people actually marry and stay with their first loves forever, but you said that you wanted you and her to end up together, so I assumed you meant that you eventually want to be together on a serious level; from this:

Anyway getting to the point I think we will end up together in the end and I really hope we do because I know that one day when the distance is not between us I'd like to end up with this nonjudgmental girl who loves me for me.

Everyone seems to be angry that I'm asking for advice isn't this forum supposed to be welcoming? You're being extremely negative.

As someone else said, we're supportive, but we're honest. Sorry you had a comment that called you an asshole, because that's not typical of LFAD particularly. I think what you're getting is people reading your post as being very self-involved, and not really thinking about this girl, but more about yourself, and responding thinking more from her perspective. I'm sorry if you feel attacked, because that's totally not the intention.

[dragonlady]

in my defense i didn't call you an asshole my first THOUGHT was what an asshole
and who is saying i am having sex??? i havent i know i can but it isn't as easy for me as a "normal" person i got a genitical default called ls so sex can be hard for me too!! (who the shoe fits humpf!)
i am only saying those things to make you think, but apperently your imagenation isnt that big as mine
so now for having that of my chest, yes i am dutch and dutch are very blunt!!! i am going to try to make you understand once more..

you love your girl, just keeping trying, if you don't love her in that way then leave but keep in mind she is only 16 and not able to do as much as you might want.
look back at when you where 16 did you had that much money to travel and such no you got a younger girlfriend be patience, and talk to her about that she can only give you more attention try skype, mail text and such.

and for sex there are more way's to have sex, try to think up some way's be creative!

sorry if i might have insulted you i was merly trying to help, good luck!

[libelle]

Okayy so. Your post sounds somewhat controversal to me. My SO and I met online too and have been long distance from the beginning, year and 4 months so far. I am younger than him and still in highschool, I have no job and no money support from parents. We have seen eachother twice in reality, both times it has been him travelling here, next time it will probably be so too. Where i am heading is, and not trying to be negative toward you, but try to see things from her perspective. I hate it that he has to pay every time, when i think about it it makes me feel like shit and if i could, i would gladly pay for both his and mine visits. When i have the opportunity, i surely will. I am sure she feels similar Yes a relationship is a two way road but if she simply DOESNT have the opportunity to pay herself to visit you then some sacrifices will be needed from your side.. Dont rub it in her face, she probably has thought about it a lot too. Second, about the parents issue. When they found out about our relationship, my parents were anything but supportive - we met online, he is older, he is also from a foreign country ... It took them around a year to finally get used to him and start being friendly. And when we met i was older than your girlfriend. So what her parents are doing for you two is a really nice way of showing support, and trust me until you close the distance the time you spend will never be enough, regardless if two days or a month .. So be grateful that they arent trying to actually HINDEr your relationship, like mine did... And lastly, about the sex part. SO and I are eachother's first and only ones, and i believe it is one of the rarest things in the world nowadays, to be able to share the first time and the following ones ONLY with the one person who you love more than anything else in the world. I dont see what is the wrong in gaining the experience that seems so important to you together, you would learn from eachother and grow more mature together, this would strengthen your bond even more. So, sorry for judging, but if you love her as much as you say you do, i dont see why you would want an open relationship - for me these words are plain disrespectful and do not belong in the world of serious, devoted relationships where both partners love and care for eachother. To share my loved one or to be shared by him sounds like one of the worst things that could ever happen to me and i would rather prefer being single than going through such a thing. Besides like you said, your girlfriend is the only person so far to really love you for who you are. Do you want to lose such a person? If you would much rather have random sex with some whores just to gain experience and have adventure in your life then i think you do not deserve her. I think the only reason for a relationship to end is a change in feelings. If your feelings are ones of love like you say they are, and she returns to you with the same, then the only thing that is left is to fight for it. A lot of people have done it and succeeded in it, it will be hard but worth it right??
So i advise you to come clear with yourself, what is the real reason to want to break up - is it because of the hardships or because of the feelings. I wish you luck, I hope you make the choice that you feel is right

[summerkid]

I don't get it.... You say you are inlove with her. but you want to leave her because she is the first girl who you fell inlove with and because she is the first girl who fell inlove with you??? are you forgetting the part where you are inlove?Why throw this away? Is it really that easy for anybody to find a great person and fall inlove?

I'm going to be very blunt here because i really think it's not worth squandering connections over standards and social pressure. I don't think there is a standard number of women you have to go through to realize this one really is the one you want. Open relationships are not a must, are not for everybody and they don't have to be for you or her either, no matter how modern the world is. People who get into open relationship don't do so because they feel a need to be modern and interesting. And you said you are 20 and this is your first girlfriend. What stopped you from going around until now? But now that you found someone you love and loves you back, you just HAVE to have sex with a whole bunch of other people ?...

I think you are judging your situation based on "how it should be" type norms