Please impart some advice..

[Uthylia]

To start this off, me and my SO are not always long distance.. I was just hoping you guys could help me. I had an account a long time ago with my ex boyfriend and you guys were sooo helpful with that. I hope you can do the same with this.

My boyfriend is 21. He's attending college as a computer engineer and is in his junior year of such. In the summers, like now, he moves from Ohio to Florida for about four months for a very prestige internship. This year, he went a little early.. like a month early. However, instead of actually going to Florida, he went to go stay with his mom.. who hates me with an undying passion. I didn't like it, but of course I let him do it because it's his life. She has been feeding him terrible things about me, and while he's not actively believing it, he's letting HER say it. Oh, just a little side note, we had been engaged at this point. It got to the point about a week and a half ago that she decided he would not have contact with me and that was final. I argued it and waited for him to contact me.. He always did. I was right, and he contacted me a few days later saying he had to agree with her to not see or talk to me or she'd stop giving him money. That's a bad thing because she pays his rent.. I grudgingly understood, and he promised me nothing would change except we'd have to hide it from his mom.

That apparently did not stand. We were living together before he left for Florida, and I thought that would still stand. No, apparently his mom plans on randomly coming to check on him at his apartment, so I can't stay there anymore. We can't go out in public in case she stops by to see him. There will be very little interaction. Also, apparently Apple has a GPS function that she's actively watching. I've asked him to shut it off, he says that she'll know something is up. I've asked him to do so many things and he just won't for fear his mom will find out. It's really starting to put a burden on our relationship... I love him endlessly, but I don't know how much longer I can keep changing around a situation I don't even like to begin with.

At current? We have plans to get married and move to Florida in June of next year. I like the sound of that. He turned off his GPS on his phone and is planning to use a feature from the jailbreaking of the device to completely remove the GPS chip's functionality. Up until June though.. Nothing will be the same. It'll be like two teenagers sneaking around their parents to see eachother and dammit that is not what I signed up for! I don't know what to do. Should I wait and maintain yet another (what is essentially going to be) long distance relationship for what should be a future of happiness, or should I cut my losses here in the event that he decides that he doesn't want to get disowned by his mom in the future? Any advice would be really appreciated. I'm struggling a lot here..

P.S. For any of you wondering why his mom hates me, it's for a few different reasons. She feels I'm distracting him from his work and schooling when I'm doing the exact opposite. I help him focus. She doesn't see it that way, unfortunately. She also dislikes me because her and my boyfriend are Jewish and I am an Atheist. She dissaproves a good deal.. It's nothing that I have control of, for the most part, and it's completely unreasonable.

Thank you to anybody that has read through this. Even if absolutely nobody replies, I feel better having vented the entire story rather than lying about it and having to give people half the story or obfuscating.

[libelle]

I think the problem doesn't lie in you but him ... I would have doubts about it too, if my SO was letting his mom take control in his life so much ... He needs a good talk with her. A REALLY good talk. What proof does she have about the fact that you are distracting him? Is he doing any worse in college, does he have bad grades, does he miss lectures? If not, then what she is doing is called plain manipulating. She has no right to link his education and her paying about it with his personal life - he is an adult and he can do whatever he pleases and date whichever girl he wants, this is out of her business. If she wants to help him as a parent and support him during education by paying his rent or whatever, then so be it - it is something that a person does from the heart, not because their child obeyed to their unbreakable laws.

And even if you go through the one year and just try to ignore her actions now, do you think this will end? How do you imagine it, after you marry, her settling down, being happy and supporting you? Not trying to come in between you again? If she is coming to the extent of stalking him via GPS, going in his appartment to check up on him randomly, she obviously still treats him as a child and if he doesn't speak to her like a man and stand for his beliefs, nothing will change. As long as he lets her get her own, of course she will continue doing so.

A lot of things can cause a parent to behave this way, empty nest syndrom, blah blah, but children have a lot of input in this too, I believe. In a way he must show her that he is responsible enough to take care of himself, this way she won't be able to use the material side of things in order to control him. Can't he start taking a part-time job parallely to college, so he earns money? She can still pay for him but this way he will show her that she isn't his only option and that he can take care of his own if he needs to. And again, the talk with her - otherwise what, when he decides to marry, she will say she will pay for the wedding, but only if it is with a girl of her choice? It just can't go on that way. If he doesn't interfere, it won't stop there.

[Uthylia]

I'm not sure why she believes that I'm distracting him. He was getting mediocre grades at best until we met, and now he's steadily maintaining a grade high enough to get him into honors. He's very bad at studying and I apparently provide the push that he needs to make him work. I am legitimately helping. If I wasn't, I'd totally understand her point of view and perhaps even cut back on time spent with him. I agree with her treating him like a child. The only good thing about waiting the year and just putting up with it, is that at the end of the year, we would be moving to Florida which is a far enough distance away she couldn't do anything. He would have a job paying 120k a year and I would be doing whatever I wind up doing, so we wouldn't need her financial assistance. I understand why he's not flat out saying "F*** you, I'm talking to her" because at current, he desperately needs the rent money, but little things.. Like telling her "no, I can't come see you EVERY weekend" or "I turned my GPS off because I'm 21 and have a right to privacy" or something like that.. I don't understand it at all. If he follows plan, at the end of this year it won't matter because he will tell her off anyway.. but I just.. I don't know if I believe it after this long of him not standing up for himself.. for us.. for anything, really.

I don't know why it would be empty nest syndrome, he's been gone for three years now and is the eldest.. However, he always has been a bit of a "mommy's boy" so to speak. He's always been very close with his mother and this is the first thing he's really done that's against her wishes. He had a part time job in december as holiday work, but he got let go after the season. He plans on getting a part time job after he gets back from Florida, but it will really stretch him to his limits and I feel awful about that. I'd offer to help and get a full time job to assist in bills and stuff, but I think he'd say something to the effect of "I'm not letting you pay for it, you shouldn't have to, blah blah blah.".

I know she won't stop. She's agreed to let us see eachother in 3 years. It's like, He will be 24 then. She shouldn't have any say in what he says, does, doesn't do, or doesn't say then.. But she still thinks she has the right to it. Also, I was going to go see him in Florida, and she cancelled it, again, at risk of not paying him any money. I am now out over 500$ for various expenses and she's refusing to pay for it. She's making HIM pay for it. It's awful. I love him, but I don't know if I can do a year of this psycho controlling everything, watching him over GPS, checking his phone for calls and texts, taking his phone and laptop to remove contact with me.. It's crazy at best.

[digitalfever]

I don't really think you SO

[ams.201220]

My mom was the same way about my relationship. Everything she said, she meant in good faith and she meant it with love, but it just got to a point where her input ruined my relationship and it ended because I was having a hard time trusting him because of what she would say. Four months later, we got back together and everything is the way it should have been, but my mom has no idea we're together. I love her, but I love him too and until I'm ready to tell her, I'm not going to.

Because she is my mom, I know where her motives came from and I respect her for it. To find out her motives, you would have to ask your SO. She wouldn't say that you two can be together in three years time if she didn't have a reason for it. Granted, her logic may be wrong, but it'll help your relationship to find out why. Also, be careful when you ask him to do things that goes against her wishes. If something goes south, he may place blame on you which would only burden your relationship further. In no way am I saying it WILL, I'm just saying that it's possible.

As far as what to do about it, I'm going to have to agree with libelle. He's going to have to have a serious conversation with her or you're going to have to have a serious conversation with her. You only know what she's saying and doing, but you have no idea why she distrusts you so much. You won't be able to get those answers unless you ask him or her. I would also not make a hasty decision about staying with him or leaving him before you find out everything. If you need to talk, really feel free to message me or quote me!