I apologize in advance if this runs long!
So, my boyfriend and I have pretty much always been in a LDR. We originally "met" when I was playing a video game with a friend, and he invited his friend in. We started playing together daily and staying on for hours just to talk. After that, we both ended up at a mutual friends party and just hung out the whole night. Within a month, I went to CT ( I live in NJ, so it's only a 2 hour drive) to visit him for 2 weeks and we started dating.
Everything was great. We made frequent visits back and forth and talked often or just gamed and spent time together. We related to each other in almost every way. He was a few semesters away from finishing school for law enforcement, and I was currently an EMT getting ready for medic school. We understood each others stresses and passions.
About 4 months into our relationship he went to visit his best friend in PA. He called me at the end of the visit and decided he wanted to drop out of school, move to Colorado, and just be independent of his parents. He broke up with me and called back 2 days later saying that it was the biggest mistake that he could make and that he wanted to try the distance because he would always regret it if he let our relationship go, and I was okay with trying.
His best friend moved home, and my boyfriend started smoking weed occasionally, which is something I'm not really into. I dealt with it. Then it became more and more frequently until it was daily, multiple times a day. And I still got over it. But at this point we were talking less and less because he was CONSTANTLY with his best friend or high. Every single day as soon as they were both off work, they were together. And I still dealt with it.
Before my boyfriend went to CO, the only thing I told him I would be uncomfortable with (besides dating, cheating, etc.) was if he smoked with girls. I don't know why, but that was just the thing that would bother me most.
He moved to CO last month and we were talking more often. He lived in an apartment complex that has mostly people older than he is. Well, he met his neighbors across the hall and they're 3 girls that live together. He's started hanging out with them constantly, one of them got him a job at the place she works, he's smoked with them, and they constantly go out.
When I found out he's smoked with them, I was upset, because it's the only thing I asked him not to do. We ended up in this long conversation where he says I'm perfect for him, and that he sees us being together forever, blahblahblah, but that he wants to be able to do whatever he wants (with the exception of cheating) and that he basically wants to live the single life without actually being single. He is of this philosophy that perfect relationships mean never having to compromise. I have supported him through everything and have been the only person to stand by his side through all of this, and all he says is that he's selfish right now and that it's not fair to me, but that's how he's going to be.
Before it starts to seem like I'm being irrational, I don't want to control him. I don't think he shouldn't go out with his friends because they're girls, I don't think he shouldn't go out to bars, I don't think he shouldn't have fun and meet people.
I'm just lost because he has completely changed the game on me. He was so passionate about what he was going to school for, and he quit. He was adamant that he didn't smoke and didn't want to, and now it's something that he seems to need in his life. He used to hate bars and clubs, and now he's going out every night with these girls and going over to their apartment to drink. He wasn't the partying type, and now he is. Our lives were lining up where we would both have careers and now I'm less than a year from finishing school, and he's a bus boy with no plans. He says that he will fight not to lose me, but refuses to compromise in even the smallest of ways. We went from talking or interacting daily to once a week. I fully understand he's getting his bearings there and making friends, but I just want to be a part of his life too, and he doesn't see that he's shutting me out, because to him, he's not. He's just doing what he wants and to him that has no relation to us. Now he does what he wants, and when he has nothing better going on, we'll hang out. I'm tired of just being on the back burner until he decides he wants something to do with me.
I don't know how to deal with the jealousy anymore. I trust him, but the affection is gone, talking is at a minimum, and it's hard to feel loved when there's no effort going into the relationship on his end, because to him love is always there and you don't need to keep showing it or or some stupid **** like that. I don't know. I guess saying "hey, it's okay to do what you want. I love you, I won't be upset" is a lot different than the reality of knowing he's out with these girls until 4 am and not getting a phone call.
I don't even know what kind of advice I'm asking for anymore. I love him. I care about him. I will always be here for him. But I don't know how to not be upset constantly and wondering wtf he's doing. Everything is uncertainty. I don't know if this is a phase or if this is just how it is now, and I'm scared to break it off if it is just a phase, because every once in a while I see the person he used to be and everything is okay. I'm afraid that I'm starting to resent him.
I don't know. I guess I just needed to vent, but any insight at all is greatly appreciated.
If it matters, I'm 21 and he's 23. At this point we've been together a year.
So, my boyfriend and I have pretty much always been in a LDR. We originally "met" when I was playing a video game with a friend, and he invited his friend in. We started playing together daily and staying on for hours just to talk. After that, we both ended up at a mutual friends party and just hung out the whole night. Within a month, I went to CT ( I live in NJ, so it's only a 2 hour drive) to visit him for 2 weeks and we started dating.
Everything was great. We made frequent visits back and forth and talked often or just gamed and spent time together. We related to each other in almost every way. He was a few semesters away from finishing school for law enforcement, and I was currently an EMT getting ready for medic school. We understood each others stresses and passions.
About 4 months into our relationship he went to visit his best friend in PA. He called me at the end of the visit and decided he wanted to drop out of school, move to Colorado, and just be independent of his parents. He broke up with me and called back 2 days later saying that it was the biggest mistake that he could make and that he wanted to try the distance because he would always regret it if he let our relationship go, and I was okay with trying.
His best friend moved home, and my boyfriend started smoking weed occasionally, which is something I'm not really into. I dealt with it. Then it became more and more frequently until it was daily, multiple times a day. And I still got over it. But at this point we were talking less and less because he was CONSTANTLY with his best friend or high. Every single day as soon as they were both off work, they were together. And I still dealt with it.
Before my boyfriend went to CO, the only thing I told him I would be uncomfortable with (besides dating, cheating, etc.) was if he smoked with girls. I don't know why, but that was just the thing that would bother me most.
He moved to CO last month and we were talking more often. He lived in an apartment complex that has mostly people older than he is. Well, he met his neighbors across the hall and they're 3 girls that live together. He's started hanging out with them constantly, one of them got him a job at the place she works, he's smoked with them, and they constantly go out.
When I found out he's smoked with them, I was upset, because it's the only thing I asked him not to do. We ended up in this long conversation where he says I'm perfect for him, and that he sees us being together forever, blahblahblah, but that he wants to be able to do whatever he wants (with the exception of cheating) and that he basically wants to live the single life without actually being single. He is of this philosophy that perfect relationships mean never having to compromise. I have supported him through everything and have been the only person to stand by his side through all of this, and all he says is that he's selfish right now and that it's not fair to me, but that's how he's going to be.
Before it starts to seem like I'm being irrational, I don't want to control him. I don't think he shouldn't go out with his friends because they're girls, I don't think he shouldn't go out to bars, I don't think he shouldn't have fun and meet people.
I'm just lost because he has completely changed the game on me. He was so passionate about what he was going to school for, and he quit. He was adamant that he didn't smoke and didn't want to, and now it's something that he seems to need in his life. He used to hate bars and clubs, and now he's going out every night with these girls and going over to their apartment to drink. He wasn't the partying type, and now he is. Our lives were lining up where we would both have careers and now I'm less than a year from finishing school, and he's a bus boy with no plans. He says that he will fight not to lose me, but refuses to compromise in even the smallest of ways. We went from talking or interacting daily to once a week. I fully understand he's getting his bearings there and making friends, but I just want to be a part of his life too, and he doesn't see that he's shutting me out, because to him, he's not. He's just doing what he wants and to him that has no relation to us. Now he does what he wants, and when he has nothing better going on, we'll hang out. I'm tired of just being on the back burner until he decides he wants something to do with me.
I don't know how to deal with the jealousy anymore. I trust him, but the affection is gone, talking is at a minimum, and it's hard to feel loved when there's no effort going into the relationship on his end, because to him love is always there and you don't need to keep showing it or or some stupid **** like that. I don't know. I guess saying "hey, it's okay to do what you want. I love you, I won't be upset" is a lot different than the reality of knowing he's out with these girls until 4 am and not getting a phone call.
I don't even know what kind of advice I'm asking for anymore. I love him. I care about him. I will always be here for him. But I don't know how to not be upset constantly and wondering wtf he's doing. Everything is uncertainty. I don't know if this is a phase or if this is just how it is now, and I'm scared to break it off if it is just a phase, because every once in a while I see the person he used to be and everything is okay. I'm afraid that I'm starting to resent him.
I don't know. I guess I just needed to vent, but any insight at all is greatly appreciated.
If it matters, I'm 21 and he's 23. At this point we've been together a year.
. Over the years I've learned that love isn't always enough, that relationships take a lot of hard work from BOTH sides, and that compromises must be made. Its obvious that he just wants to live his 20s to whatever he defines as "living to the fullest" and it seems that your life paths are not lining up anymore. Everyone has expectations in a relationship, some higher than others, and he's ignored all your needs and expectations. Like the others have said, sit down and talk to him. I second what Rugger said about using "I feel..." statements, otherwise he'll feel the need to become defensive and you'll get nowhere.
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