Was it wrong of me?

[LFAD13]

My SO of nearly five and a half years has just told me that he needs to start looking for accommodation for his second year of university. He has always told me that he was planning to live with just some boys from his first year flat. However, as luck would have it he has actually agreed to live with two boys and two girls (one of whom we have had plenty of arguments about, as I am convinced she fancies him.) as this year has been constant arguments and being on the brink of breaking up, I didn't want him to have the exact same living arrangements which I believe will cause the exact same arguments so yesterday I asked him to think about moving into a flat on his own. He refused point blank, even though just a few days ago he lectured me about how relationships were about compromise, yet the first time I ask him to compromise he refuses? I recognise that what I'm asking him to do has consequences and I realise that he would feel like he was pushed out but there are also lots of pro sides, including me probably visiting more often. This led to a full blown argument resulting in me telling him if he chooses to live with his friends then he's not choosing me. Thus giving him an ultimatum. Was it wrong of me to do this ? And is it wrong of me to expect him to change his living arrangements for the sake of making things easier on us?

Sorry about the rant!!
Any advice would be much appreciated

[Safihre]

I totally understand your reasoning and I can imagine I would do the same (and a few years ago I did a similar thing and regretted it later).

You need to trust your SO and stop nagging/talking/whatever about the girl.. If you don't trust him, don't be with him.
Yeah it sucks she's there and you're not, but ultimately it is his decision to be faithful, do you not trust him to make the right decision?

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I did something similar in a previous relationship making things worse instead of better and I lacked someone to tell me to stop it..

[Rugger]

Yeah I think you are the one in the wrong here. You need to trust him. Why does it matter than she likes him? As long as he doesn't like her back, it's a null issue.

There are specifically two girl friends of my SO I'm not fond of, but they are his friends. I know he loves me and that nothing would ever happen between them. So it doesn't matter whether I like them or not. I just don't hang out with them.

You cannot control who your SO hangs out with, and nor should you try. As long as you trust him, this other girl shouldn't matter. It takes two to tango, not one.

[ethelynn]

Hanging out and living together are two different things. I wouldn't feel good about that either, but I don't think that ultimatums are the way to go in any situation. Does he understand why you want this? Is he willing to go through another year of these fights?

[Mims27]

I know the situation sucks but you're gonna have to trust him. To me, you telling him if he chooses to live with his friends then he's not choosing you, does not sound like a compromise at all. If he's never done anything for you not to trust him then you shouldn't be giving ultimatums like that. Trust your SO. He loves you, not her.

[Ejoriah]

Reality check: do you realize that rent and utilities split between five people (your SO + two boys + two girls) is way more affordable than if your SO had to live alone? Do you really think he has that kind of money? Does he work part time or full time? I don't know how expensive it is where you are, but my boyfriend works a full time job, just got a raise, and when he moved out on his own our money for flights and such was reduced. Yes it's nice that when I visit we have "our place" but he doesn't have money laying around to take us out places - most of his paychecks go into rent, utilities and his car payment. Sorry if your SO is in a place where he could easily afford it, but from what you've said here I feel like your demands are completely unreasonable.

I agree with those who have said you have to trust him. I lived with two males last year and I can tell you I had zero attraction to either one of them.

[lyonsgirl]

Reality check: do you realize that rent and utilities split between five people (your SO + two boys + two girls) is way more affordable than if your SO had to live alone? Do you really think he has that kind of money? Does he work part time or full time? I don't know how expensive it is where you are, but my boyfriend works a full time job, just got a raise, and when he moved out on his own our money for flights and such was reduced. Yes it's nice that when I visit we have "our place" but he doesn't have money laying around to take us out places - most of his paychecks go into rent, utilities and his car payment. Sorry if your SO is in a place where he could easily afford it, but from what you've said here I feel like your demands are completely unreasonable.

As someone who has been through the broke college/university days, I 100% agree with this. No, the situation may not be ideal, but living on your own is definitely not cheap, and having roommates makes it actually do-able. Though, I'm honestly not really sure why him having roommates would deter you from visiting him.

[Deleted]

I agree with the others. It seems like the real issue is that one girl, but remember, in the end your SO still loves you and you're the only girl in his eyes.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Sorry, I need to add my vote to you're in the wrong on this one.

Others have already made the points I was going to. A girl liking your guy is going to happen, pretty much always. If it doesn't, you're dating someone so terrible that other girls are all like "whoa, no thanks" which is not what you want!

Someone else pointed out the expense.. agree completely. Living alone (and in Swansea, where I studied for awhile!) is expensive, and, depending on his personality, might not make him happy anyway.
And yes, your ultimatum was basically "it's your friends or me" which is not a great approach. It's unfair to him, to your dynamic as a supportive/equal couple, etc.

Finally, just on a personal note.. when I was 18, I hadn't lived in a co-ed situation, and I was super skittish about partners living with roommates of the opposite sex. Then when I moved out, I had guy and girl flatmates, and living with guys didn't suddenly make me want them, or want to be unfaithful to partners, etc. A lot of times with our schedules, between work and school and whatever else, I didn't see them a ton anyway. When we did we'd hang out and it was fun, but there was nothing going on. After that, realizing it firsthand, that it's just roommates, I was much more comfortable with guys that live with roommate-girls.

[differentcountries]

What you suggested to him was not a compromise, it was about you getting your will. A compromise usually means that there are two previous suggestions merged into one final plan. Like the others have said, it is probably way more expensive for him to live on his own. Have you suggested you would help him pay the rent, or find him somewhere cheap? About you being jealous of his friends, well... he could proably be more understandin to you (feelings are feeling no matter the cause) still he should be able to be with friends even if you don't like them. If you accuse him of lying or probably being unable to control himself, you should have good reason to do so. If he is a nice guy for the most part, it is you who have a jealousy problem. I don't want to vote because I really think he should help you deal with the situation, still you need to see that your feelings are problematic here, not his actions.

[Tooki]

You're not asking him to compromise, you're trying to force him to do what you want and only what you want.

I've lived with girls before, it is not nearly as bad as you're trying to make out. It is a lot cheaper to live with other people to split the costs and at the end of the day, you just need to trust your SO.

[ethelynn]

Just as a contrast to the rest of the posts, it's more about understanding where she is coming from - her SO lives with a girl who likes him and i'm guessing has hit on him(?). They hang out all the time and she'd always be there for him, because well, the girl lives there while she is far away. You might think that during hard times or even joys, who is easier to turn to? And while he is saying that they should compromise, he himself outright says that he won't even consider not living with her.

But even though I understand, you should trust your SO, unless he has given you a reason not to. What were the reasons why you fought so much because of her? Just your own insecurities or did she/them do anything to make you feel this way? Either way, ultimatums are not going to help, rather focusing on trying work things through.

[LadyDaemon]

Just as a contrast to the rest of the posts, it's more about understanding where she is coming from - her SO lives with a girl who likes him and i'm guessing has hit on him(?). They hang out all the time and she'd always be there for him, because well, the girl lives there while she is far away. You might think that during hard times or even joys, who is easier to turn to? And while he is saying that they should compromise, he himself outright says that he won't even consider not living with her.

Its not the girl he was refusing not to live with. It was females/other people in general at all. But even if the girl has hit on her SO,as long as he doesn't act on it and deals with the situation accordingly I don't see the problem. She can't do anything he doesn't allow her to do. It takes two as someone else said. Besides,like someone else mentioned,there's always going to be someone of the opposite sex who's going to have a thing for your SO (announced to you or not). My own fiance has girls on his MUSH games that have little crushes on him and flirt with him occasionally,but I don't get bent out of shape about it because those girls know of my existence and I trust/know that my fiance would deal with it if they crossed a line.

To OP: I agree with the others that you need to trust your SO. If he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him with this or any girl then you need to let him deal with it. Other females in the apartment/flat doesn't automatically mean things are going to happen. Also one person being attracted to him doesn't automatically spell trouble either if he isn't mutually attracted to them and deals with it like he should. Contrary to popular belief it is possible to live/be in a place with people of the opposite gender and not have an attraction to them. So,I would seriously rethink that ultimatum and give him a chance to prove himself before you just start making demands all over the place. All you're going to do with that is cause an even bigger rift between you.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Have you guys talked about it since you made the ultimatum?

This could actually be a great chance for you guys to work together on communicating and compromising. Do you see our points of view, and think it might be worthwhile to say to him, "hey, I think maybe I wasn't being completely fair to you, can we talk about this more?" or something?

[alli.efeelink]

My SO of nearly five and a half years has just told me that he needs to start looking for accommodation for his second year of university. He has always told me that he was planning to live with just some boys from his first year flat. However, as luck would have it he has actually agreed to live with two boys and two girls (one of whom we have had plenty of arguments about, as I am convinced she fancies him.) as this year has been constant arguments and being on the brink of breaking up, I didn't want him to have the exact same living arrangements which I believe will cause the exact same arguments so yesterday I asked him to think about moving into a flat on his own. He refused point blank, even though just a few days ago he lectured me about how relationships were about compromise, yet the first time I ask him to compromise he refuses? I recognise that what I'm asking him to do has consequences and I realise that he would feel like he was pushed out but there are also lots of pro sides, including me probably visiting more often. This led to a full blown argument resulting in me telling him if he chooses to live with his friends then he's not choosing me. Thus giving him an ultimatum. Was it wrong of me to do this ? And is it wrong of me to expect him to change his living arrangements for the sake of making things easier on us?

Sorry about the rant!!
Any advice would be much appreciated

Just trust him! Trust is basic between two hearts!