Please take the time to read. I'm very...I'm at a loss on what to do with myself...It would mean a lot to talk to people who maybe understand how I feel.
So, my now ex, and I broke up last year in November due to...numerous things. Distance was getting the best of me, he was acting different, and the final straw was him lying to me about something. It was a major lie too-not going to go into the specifics of things. But, my heart was broken between all of that-all I could wonder was what had happened to us. It absolutely killed me to end things. I don't think I've ever cried as much over anyone as I did over him. I don't think he did either. We both knew we needed a break though. I figured that if things were really meant to work out, we'd get back together-we just needed time to figure things out.
After I broke it off, we continued talking, which I was and wasn't expecting. We've hardly gone more than a day without talking in the four years that I've known Aaron, and he's been my best friend since I met him. To this day, he's the first person I want to talk to when things are shitty, when I'm upset, or when I need anything. He's always been the one that's been there, and quite honestly, I can't imagine my life without him. It doesn't make sense, and he makes me...me. No he's not perfect, but neither am I, and we help balance each other out. Even after we broke up, I still loved him-no less, despite what he'd done to me. But anyways, he kept telling me he loved me too.
And then he started telling me to just get over him and move on. But he'd go back to telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me.
Then, I started to think.
What if he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore...what if he gave up and we never got back together. After he lied to me, I started to have doubts about everything he'd said. Then, with his wish-washy feelings, I began to realize I had to start being realistic and prepare myself in case one day he decided he didn't want to ever be with me again. Just seeing myself and the mess I was when I'd ended things (with the intention of getting back together down the road) I knew I wouldn't be okay if things were completely over. Which, it was foolish of me to think that everything would work out the way I wanted, but I knew if we really cared we'd both work things out somehow.
But then I made the mistake of trying to date someone after he told me to get over him and said he didn't think we should talk to each other anymore. Partially because I was still upset over him hurting me, and part of me wanted him to feel as bad as I had. But also partially because I had to try- and see if I was actually capable of moving on. And I told him that I was dating someone-we were broken up, and he knew that, and he'd told me to get over him. But he got angry. More angry when he found out I'd kissed the guy I tried dating. It ended up turning into an argument that nearly destroyed our friendship.
I ended up breaking things off with the guy I was dating because I found myself unable to return the same feelings he had for me, and saw no point in trying to continue our relationship when all I could think about was Aaron. I think part of it too, was I felt guilty that I was dating him-like I was betraying Aaron, even though we weren't together. Mind you, Aaron and I dated LD for about 3 years.
Somehow, Aaron and I managed to patch things up. But nothing has been the same ever since then. He would talk to me normally for awhile. Then out of nowhere he'd bring up my dating another guy and how he couldn't handle knowing that and didn't think of me the same way...all this other crap. Pretty much he made me feel like shit about myself for hurting him, despite the many times I tried to even put into words my feelings for him and explain to him why I had dated that guy. It was on and off between us being okay to fighting constantly-even though we weren't together. He's held that against me ever since then. Though, when he hurt me, I still forgave him, even though he didn't deserve it.
Things grew continually worse. He started saying that we weren't right for each other and that he thought it was better if we stopped talking. He still wasn't dating anyone, but evidently couldn't get over the fact that I have a lot of guy friends-who are only friends, if I may point out- and that I'd dated someone else. Every little thing I said seemed to be the wrong thing, and through it all, I still found myself loving him, more heartbroken over the fact that he was trying to end things with us. So I tried dating again, because Aaron and I weren't getting anywhere. I didn't tell him this time, and the fighting continued. Dating didn't work. It hasn't ever since him. I dated two other after, and all I can think about when I'm supposed to be someone's girlfriend is how he compares to Aaron. I still find myself wanting to talk to him and be with him, even though he...doesn't seem to care anymore.
Finally, a few months ago, Aaron told me we couldn't do what we were anymore. Things weren't working, we were different (even though we're not) he can't get over this and that...I tried and tried to convince him otherwise, and it hasn't really worked since then. When I thought I'd made progress things were okay for awhile then he officially pretty much stopped talking to me. Asked me to "please stop". I have never been so heartbroken in my life. And it's my fault. I made things the way they are now, with my hopes that we'd get back together-but still trying to see if I could get over him and be okay if that didn't happen. And I can't. But now I'm at the reality where he doesn't want me anymore, and I want him....and I can't have him :'c I can't even tell you all the times I lay in bed at night trying to talk to him and get no response, or just cry because I miss him. Nothing is the same without him in my life. No matter what I do...I've become so discouraged about dating people because no one makes me feel the way he does. I've dated people who were probably better for me than him, and still ended up breaking up with them because I couldn't do it. Even during times where he wasn't talking to me much. I feel like even if I stopped talking to him for a long time, all I would do is miss him and want him more. We never met, which we were planning on doing this past summer, but we'd broken up last November so it never happened. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting...what happened. Because I know that things would have been completely different had we been with each other. And he does too. We had a long talk about everything when he was trying to say we couldn't be together-before he stopped responding to me, and said he didn't want to regret anything either. At least for me, I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting never meeting him and seeing if things would have worked out. Because I don't know-I could be missing out on...this person that I could have a great life with, all because of my stupid mistakes. But with him not wanting to be with me...I feel like going through life, I can be with other people, but never feel the same that I did about him, and always in the back of my mind be thinking of him and wanting him. I don't want to have that guilt, that I have every time I'm with someone if I ever get married some day and it's not to him, which we had also discussed. Neither of us imagined things would turn out the way they did, and I dare say neither of us want them to turn out the way they have. But I don't think either of us know how to fix how we both feel. I just don't know what to do with myself.
He's changed me, in so many ways, and made me into a person that I actually like. He's given me so much and become such a big part of me, that I can't let him go. And I don't want to. Because I know that will kill me. It's already killing me now. All the people around me, my closest friends have all noticed a change in my attitude and personality recently as well, which makes me wonder even if I'm depressed. There's times when I'm fine, then...everything just comes rushing back to me and I feel like I've been hit with a ton of bricks and that...everything is just terrible. I don't know what to do. I don't.
So, my now ex, and I broke up last year in November due to...numerous things. Distance was getting the best of me, he was acting different, and the final straw was him lying to me about something. It was a major lie too-not going to go into the specifics of things. But, my heart was broken between all of that-all I could wonder was what had happened to us. It absolutely killed me to end things. I don't think I've ever cried as much over anyone as I did over him. I don't think he did either. We both knew we needed a break though. I figured that if things were really meant to work out, we'd get back together-we just needed time to figure things out.
After I broke it off, we continued talking, which I was and wasn't expecting. We've hardly gone more than a day without talking in the four years that I've known Aaron, and he's been my best friend since I met him. To this day, he's the first person I want to talk to when things are shitty, when I'm upset, or when I need anything. He's always been the one that's been there, and quite honestly, I can't imagine my life without him. It doesn't make sense, and he makes me...me. No he's not perfect, but neither am I, and we help balance each other out. Even after we broke up, I still loved him-no less, despite what he'd done to me. But anyways, he kept telling me he loved me too.
And then he started telling me to just get over him and move on. But he'd go back to telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me.
Then, I started to think.
What if he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore...what if he gave up and we never got back together. After he lied to me, I started to have doubts about everything he'd said. Then, with his wish-washy feelings, I began to realize I had to start being realistic and prepare myself in case one day he decided he didn't want to ever be with me again. Just seeing myself and the mess I was when I'd ended things (with the intention of getting back together down the road) I knew I wouldn't be okay if things were completely over. Which, it was foolish of me to think that everything would work out the way I wanted, but I knew if we really cared we'd both work things out somehow.
But then I made the mistake of trying to date someone after he told me to get over him and said he didn't think we should talk to each other anymore. Partially because I was still upset over him hurting me, and part of me wanted him to feel as bad as I had. But also partially because I had to try- and see if I was actually capable of moving on. And I told him that I was dating someone-we were broken up, and he knew that, and he'd told me to get over him. But he got angry. More angry when he found out I'd kissed the guy I tried dating. It ended up turning into an argument that nearly destroyed our friendship.
I ended up breaking things off with the guy I was dating because I found myself unable to return the same feelings he had for me, and saw no point in trying to continue our relationship when all I could think about was Aaron. I think part of it too, was I felt guilty that I was dating him-like I was betraying Aaron, even though we weren't together. Mind you, Aaron and I dated LD for about 3 years.
Somehow, Aaron and I managed to patch things up. But nothing has been the same ever since then. He would talk to me normally for awhile. Then out of nowhere he'd bring up my dating another guy and how he couldn't handle knowing that and didn't think of me the same way...all this other crap. Pretty much he made me feel like shit about myself for hurting him, despite the many times I tried to even put into words my feelings for him and explain to him why I had dated that guy. It was on and off between us being okay to fighting constantly-even though we weren't together. He's held that against me ever since then. Though, when he hurt me, I still forgave him, even though he didn't deserve it.
Things grew continually worse. He started saying that we weren't right for each other and that he thought it was better if we stopped talking. He still wasn't dating anyone, but evidently couldn't get over the fact that I have a lot of guy friends-who are only friends, if I may point out- and that I'd dated someone else. Every little thing I said seemed to be the wrong thing, and through it all, I still found myself loving him, more heartbroken over the fact that he was trying to end things with us. So I tried dating again, because Aaron and I weren't getting anywhere. I didn't tell him this time, and the fighting continued. Dating didn't work. It hasn't ever since him. I dated two other after, and all I can think about when I'm supposed to be someone's girlfriend is how he compares to Aaron. I still find myself wanting to talk to him and be with him, even though he...doesn't seem to care anymore.
Finally, a few months ago, Aaron told me we couldn't do what we were anymore. Things weren't working, we were different (even though we're not) he can't get over this and that...I tried and tried to convince him otherwise, and it hasn't really worked since then. When I thought I'd made progress things were okay for awhile then he officially pretty much stopped talking to me. Asked me to "please stop". I have never been so heartbroken in my life. And it's my fault. I made things the way they are now, with my hopes that we'd get back together-but still trying to see if I could get over him and be okay if that didn't happen. And I can't. But now I'm at the reality where he doesn't want me anymore, and I want him....and I can't have him :'c I can't even tell you all the times I lay in bed at night trying to talk to him and get no response, or just cry because I miss him. Nothing is the same without him in my life. No matter what I do...I've become so discouraged about dating people because no one makes me feel the way he does. I've dated people who were probably better for me than him, and still ended up breaking up with them because I couldn't do it. Even during times where he wasn't talking to me much. I feel like even if I stopped talking to him for a long time, all I would do is miss him and want him more. We never met, which we were planning on doing this past summer, but we'd broken up last November so it never happened. And I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting...what happened. Because I know that things would have been completely different had we been with each other. And he does too. We had a long talk about everything when he was trying to say we couldn't be together-before he stopped responding to me, and said he didn't want to regret anything either. At least for me, I don't want to spend the rest of my life regretting never meeting him and seeing if things would have worked out. Because I don't know-I could be missing out on...this person that I could have a great life with, all because of my stupid mistakes. But with him not wanting to be with me...I feel like going through life, I can be with other people, but never feel the same that I did about him, and always in the back of my mind be thinking of him and wanting him. I don't want to have that guilt, that I have every time I'm with someone if I ever get married some day and it's not to him, which we had also discussed. Neither of us imagined things would turn out the way they did, and I dare say neither of us want them to turn out the way they have. But I don't think either of us know how to fix how we both feel. I just don't know what to do with myself.
He's changed me, in so many ways, and made me into a person that I actually like. He's given me so much and become such a big part of me, that I can't let him go. And I don't want to. Because I know that will kill me. It's already killing me now. All the people around me, my closest friends have all noticed a change in my attitude and personality recently as well, which makes me wonder even if I'm depressed. There's times when I'm fine, then...everything just comes rushing back to me and I feel like I've been hit with a ton of bricks and that...everything is just terrible. I don't know what to do. I don't.
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