Needing Help With Making Things Work

[alice_bloom]

I've never been in a long distance relationship, never even thought about it. But then I met this guy and we seemed so perfect for each other so we both decided to give it a go (he's never been in a long distance relationship either). We're both in college and things were nice, we used to talk to one another for hours on end, everyday. Never went a day without talking.

Then a new school year began and he began working and hanging out with his new friends and all of a sudden has less time to talk to me. He spends more time with his friends now and I feel like I've slipped his priorities, he doesn't talk to me at all on days that he hangs out with friends at all, not even a hello or a good night. It hurts me a lot and makes me feel like he loves me less. I understand if it's when he has school or works, but not when he's just hanging out with his friends. I've told him how I feel about this and it always ends up in arguments. we only talk maybe once a week skypecall wise and every other day via text message.

he also no longer wants to be in a girlfriend and boyfriend relationship and only as lovers because he doesn't want to tell his friends (he only tells them we're friends) and he doesn't want to be tied down to me. we're both uncomfortable with the other sleeping with someone else, so it's only lovers, but i don't like that, I feel like it puts distance between us.

do you have any advice on how to fix things with communication and how to fix things with girlfriend and boyfriend status?

[Kitten_mittens]

I think you deserve better. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear. But honestly, I feel if he really loved you and was committed to you he would want to tell his friends all about you and he would be spending more time with you. =( I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it must be.

[differentcountries]

Oh my. It seems like he has made his choice. My advice would be to not go into this lover deal, unless you actually want a different sort of relationship.

[TooFarAway]

Pfft lovers?
Don't waste your time.
Unless you want to be friends with benefits, then go for it. Being "lovers" is like all the cupcakes and sweets of a real relationship without the commitment. You guys only text every other day? Skype call once a week? I'd say just throw em out lmao. Seriously, if he's not trying to contact you at least once a day (Like how hard is it to say: "Hey, just out with some friends, don't wait for me") then it's not worth your time. I feel like "lovers" is just a agreement to bind you to him as he goes off and plays with his friends.
I wouldn't go for the deal either. Lmao who does he think he is? You stay on your phone/computer all day waiting for his ass to text/call you back while he goes out to party with his friends? Puh-lease. You girl deserve wayyyyyy better than that. You want someone that cares about you and cherishes you! If he really loved and cared about you, he would prioritize you and tell his friends about you.
I know you love him but I think you need to go out and show him you have a life too lmao. You need to become "less available" to him and see what he does.
You can't make things work now because he's made his decision. If he doesn't want to be gf/bf then let him be. But don't be the girl hopelessly in love and chasing after him

[pink elephant]

From a different point of view, I think that it's thoughtful that he's recognised the relationship that you are both in is having an effect on the both of you (but moreover him in particular), and to "change" the status to lovers is considerate instead of, say, just ignoring you altogether. Like you've said, he's probably got different priorities right now - you don't mention what level of school he is in, so I'm assuming higher education like university - and to be honest, university years are those once-in-a-lifetime experiences that you don't get a chance to do again (unless you decide to continue).

As someone who was in an LDR in different countries and throughout the final years of university, it's tough when your significant other has responsibilities and a social life that you can't be a part of. But he's probably feeling the "honeymoon" (just an expression) happiness phase of meeting new people, starting a new year, and wanting to get the best out of his university years. My husband and I were respectful of each other's social lives, educational and work experiences (I was working in a different country while he attended university) and we understood there would be times when we just couldn't communicate (no smart phones!). So we believed it was important to establish a routine of when we could communicate, how long, and if we had to cancel at the last minute due to a club meeting or social outing or too much studying or working, then we wouldn't make a big deal. But we tried not to "get in the way" (for lack of a better term, not saying that this is what you're doing) of each other living our lives.

Turned out it was the best decision for us and we got together in the end, after five years.

Now, I'm not trying to say just let him have all his fun, but I think if he's really that into you, he needs to have a straight up talk with you about where you both are at (for real) and if he plans to commit to what he says is a "boyfriend/girlfriend status". I think you should also make clear how much it hurts to be considered only a friend to his friends, because as TooFarAway said, it's pretty unfair how much time you've dedicated to this relationship only to be called a friend. If he wants to stay as lovers, then he either needs to re-evaluate where he spends all his time and make clear who you are to him and what you both are and if you have a future as a couple, or you can take off and fly to lands of better people.

As much as friends dedicate themselves to each other, it takes real love to wait for someone without being (too) angry at them. Good luck.

[alice_bloom]

He says I'm immature if I expect to hold on to him with such a distance.
I don't know how to explain to him and show him that it's not immature.
That people actually can make these things work.
I don't think that I'm immature if I want to have a long distance relationship. Am I?

[Heavenly_Love12]

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I think that you should have another conversation with him and see where his priorities are and what he is really thinking. If he is in college, he could be experiencing the whole "I'm away from home and can do what I want" type attitude. He may not be in the place to be in a serious relationship or does not have the desire to be. When I was college, it was very popular for people to be in friend's with benefits relationships or to just hook up with others. Of course there were those who were in committed relationships, some CD and others LD, but college is a time when people start figuring out their adult lives and just want to have fun; it sounds like he is one of those people.

If he is saying that he just wants to be lovers, it is your decision if you want to be or not. I personally do not believe in that kind of relationship for myself but I can see why people are fans of it. I do think it would be a difficult transition from being in a relationship to just lovers though. It also sounds like his feelings may have changed. He has more going on and who knows what his friends are telling him. I don't like that he is telling his friends that you two are only friends! That is a huge red flag to me! Honestly, from what you have said it sounds like he has made his decision. I don't know if there is much you can do to fix things if he has made his mind up. You cannot make someone want to be with you, trust me I have been there. You can try to communicate with him more but if it is too much for him to even send you a text each day, I don't know if it would help much.

[differentcountries]

I think calling you names is a code for that he wants out of the relationship, though he will not neccesarily refuse to sleep with you on occation.

[piratemama]

I agree with some of the other comments here about it being your choice to be his lover or not. You have to decide if it's okay with you, but I wouldn't want to be a lover to someone and not be his girlfriend/SO. The friendship, trust, and respect have to come first with me. I don't want to feel used for sex only. If this isn't an okay deal for you, all you can do is talk openly and honestly, but NOT emotionally, with him. Tell him what you need, but be prepared for whatever. But, never settle for less than the best for yourself.

You can't fix anyone. You can express your wants, needs, and hurts, but you can't change a person.

[differentcountries]

I would not try to resolve this. Going from girlfriend to lover is a set up for disaster. Cut him loose and see if he misses you.

[Rugger]

He says I'm immature if I expect to hold on to him with such a distance.
I don't know how to explain to him and show him that it's not immature.
That people actually can make these things work.
I don't think that I'm immature if I want to have a long distance relationship. Am I?

AKA he's trying to keep his options open. He has you when he strikes out at the bars and parties, but He can still sleep with other girls if his game is good.

CUT HIM LOOSE. He doesn't want to have a LDR with you. I'm sorry if I'm harsh but it's the truth. He's playing you.

People make LDRs work when both people are committed to making it work. He clearly is not. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous2]

I want to start by saying that I’m very sorry you’re having trouble and I hope that things work out for the best. I want to offer my opinion as someone who can relate to some of the things about your situation.

My SO and I have also had an issue with him telling his friends that I’m just a close friend that he used to date, and I have wondered for a long time whether I was the only one in that situation. He says he feels extremely guilty that he doesn’t have the time to devote the same kind of attention to me that I do for him, and that it would be disrespectful to me for him to call me his girlfriend without properly treating me as such. I have never agreed with this decision, but thus far have tried to respect his reasoning since it hasn’t seemed to change the dynamic of our relationship. It does not sound like your guy has a good reason for his actions. It sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you are okay with this, great…but please know the he will very likely lose respect for you if you make life easy for him by just waiting around and being there when it’s convenient for him to have a “lover”.

Also, the term “lover” implies that there is a certain amount of care/love/respect for the other person. If you do not feel any of that then you are not lovers; you are friends that occasionally hook up. That is not fair to you if you are emotionally putting in more effort that he is.

My advice is to tell him what you want/how you feel. If he’s not willing to put in more effort, then perhaps you should find someone else who will show you the love you deserve.

[pink elephant]

He says I'm immature if I expect to hold on to him with such a distance.
I don't know how to explain to him and show him that it's not immature.
That people actually can make these things work.
I don't think that I'm immature if I want to have a long distance relationship. Am I?

Sounds like he's clutching straws and using the word "immature" as a defense mechanism - or an excuse for not wanting to talk about it anymore.

If he can't talk things out with you without using labels on experiences (calling a long distance relationship or the experience of it as immature? Honestly, you develop the patience of a saint over such agonizingly long lengths of time while learning about true consideration!), understand your reasoning, and iterate his stance on what your relationship means to him, then I don't think much more can be done. Unfortunately, it may be the case his idea of a relationship is not compatible with yours.

But I admire your persistence and strength. Just don't get hurt and be sure to be careful. I think it is OK to walk away from this, because it seems he cannot understand what he means to you..

[digitalfever]

Do you want to hook up? If so then I don't see a problem. If you want a relationship then end it and move on.

[Hollandia]

Okay, I am not in college but SO went back to school, so not sure if I am okay to post here, so let me know if not.



He does want to have his cake and to eat it too. He is also trying to manipulate your words to get what he wants which is to still be able to bang you, if opportunity occurs and every other thing that makes his pants spark. Kiss his immature a@s goodbye and go find a man that is not afraid of commitment and has the ability to work the obstacles so many of us do daily and have been doing for years.

He thinks this is a sign of immaturity? I only wish he could meet my SO and see if he had the gonads to say that to his face.