I need help, not judgement,

[infinitelove13]

This is a long post but please read...

Me and my SO have been together since we were thirteen - childhood sweethearts you could say. So for the past five years things have gone smoothly-ish and in September 2013 we both had to go our separate ways and move to university. He only moved to wales - two hours drive away but it was a huge step in our relationship after constantly being together for so many years. Going back to the first few months when we were together my boyfriend cheated on me with my ex-best friend and it completely destroyed my trust in him - especially as i didn't find out until about a year later.

So after being together for about a year i found out about this and he showed me that he was completely destroyed by what he had done and he cried on the phone to me saying he loved me so much ... so i decided to forgive and forget, although I clearly haven't forgotten.

So .. flashforward to about four years later and my SO has moved to the halls at university, made some new friends and well .. got very drunk during freshers week. Although most people are probably like and what? But my SO is not somebody that drinks alot and he didn't really forewarn me this is what he was planning to do. Added to this that alot of pictures appeared on Facebook of him with alot of other girls in his flat, some looking particularly cosy ... So we had a big fall out about that and almost broke up - also added to the fact that he had a girl sleep in his room as she had no where else to go. He promised he slept on the floor and that nothing happened. It took a lot of me to forgive him for that.

So after most of the happenings we continued to stay together and sort of pull ourselves through these past few months and when he came home for christmas we were happier then ever and i truly believed that when he left in the new year (the day after my birthday ) we would be alot better then the year that has just gone.

But .. as probably expected things have gone from bad to worse and my trust issues have gone through the roof. I keep trying to tell myself that everything in my mind is just crazy as I have a habit of thinking the worst of everything. Just recently my brother introduced me to Snapchat (i kind of knew my SO was on it but never really showed an interest in it.) so after getting to grips i added my SO to discover who his three best friends are .. two are girls he lives in a flat with and one is a male friend he has had since he was at school. At first i didnt think anything of it but then i saw his score of over 1,000 and began to think it a little strange .. so me being me decided to google whether other people thought it was okay for their boyfriend to be snapchatting other girls .. to find many stories of women who find their SO is cheating on them by sending inappropriate texts. With my paranoia i asked my SO if i could know his password and signed on to see many snapchats from one particular girl who sleeps in the room next to him. She split up with her long term boyfriend as soon as she moved to university and it has been rumored that she had an STI .. this made me really uncomfortable. My SO assured me that it was just innocent and that most of the snapchats he recieves from her are obvious they are directed at multiple people. I discussed (argued) with him that this made me uncomfortable and I don't want him to delete her off snapchat i just want him to prove i can trust him.

After a movie night last night - as suggested on this website - we watched The Purge and would definitely recommend it to others - everything seemed to be improving. Until .. this morning I woke up and decided just to check on his Snapchat .. I know I probably shouldn't have but I did .. and found multiple snapchats from her dating just before me and my SO started to skype .. my SO assured me that it was just to tell hr that we were skyping and he didnt want to be disturbed as his flatmates are always intruding and banging on his door when they know he is on skype to me .. it ended up in a full argument and i'm not really sure where we are going from here .. i really hate that he continued to snapchat with her and couldnt just knock on her door and ask her not to disturb her (he claimed her door was closed and he didnt want to interrupt her in case she was revising) ..

Should I have learned to trust him by now after four years?
Am I ever going to be able to fully trust him ?
Are my suspicions about Snapchat unreasonable?

Any help would be greatly appreciated as I feel like i'm losing the love of my life and I don't know if its due to his actions or my over reactions?

Many Thanks,
Infinitelove13 xxxx

[jana89]

Welcome to LFAD You have obviously never got over your bf cheating on you, which is what makes you being suspicious about him again and again. I donīt judge you, I probably couldnīt forgive something like that either. But I would end the relationship at the very same moment I would find out. Relationships should be based on trust, so in my eyes you only have two options - forgive him, donīt look back at what he did and let the trust be restored or break up. However, good luck

[Tooki]

If you cannot move past what your SO did, you need to end your relationship. If you keep the relationship going, it will only be doomed to fail as the issue will come up again and again. Good luck.

[Kitten_mittens]

I'm sorry that this probably isn't what you want to hear.. But I think you need to end your relationship with him. There is no relationship without trust and the way you are treating him (asking him to prove he isn't cheating and asking him to let you log onto his accounts) is going to cause resentment and put more tension on the relationship and you're going to stay miserable because you can't trust him.. Honestly I would have a hard time dating someone who was talking to other girls that much..

I think it's best that you break up and try to get over being cheated on as that is rough.. And it's seemed to cause a lot of insecurities. My mom was cheated on by my step dad once in the beginning of their marriage 20 years ago and she still tells me how much she worries when ever he stays at work late or goes to a friends..

And sorry if I sound unorganized I just woke up and didn't get much sleep. Hopefully you get what I'm saying.

[differentcountries]

People always have chances to cheat if they want to. Sounds like you have a hard time trusting him. Is there anything he could do to make you feel safer and more secure?

[stormy]

Is there anything he could do to make you feel safer and more secure?

This is what I was thinking. I have been through plenty when it comes to trust and issues with it. I find that if you do not trust someone in cases like this, there is close to nothing that the other person can do to change how you feel. Especially in the case where the person is so far a way, what can he realistically do to make you feel better?
People always tend to say things like, "I don't want you to not be able to speak to so-and-so anymore but..." usually because we feel that it is what we really want but it is unreasonable.

[differentcountries]

There has been debated here before if people really tend to sleep with /cheet with people they share a flat with. Bottom like is while oppertunity may be there, it has little say if not both parties are actually interested. Why don't you go visit for a weekend and get to know his flatmates and his friends?

[BabyGund]

You want help -- here are questions you need to ask yourself to get through this.

Do you want to get past this? Or is there a payoff you receive from the situation? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to this scrutiny? Do you fear that if you forgive him that you are letting him get away with it"

You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can't. And if you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again. Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he disappoints you. If you find out that he strays again, can you handle that? When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this his face, you will eventually run him off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain.

[princessmaria]

This is an awful statistic but most young couples don't make it past college, and it is because of things like this. Your SO is being introduced to new people and experiences - it's kind of a package deal with living on campus/in a college town. There will be more girls, and probably more partying. I think the issue is less to do with your lack of trust but there is a lack of communication here, too. You shouldn't have to become aware of these things by seeking and discovering them on your own. You and your SO have to be open about these sort of things - create boundaries, but don't completely limit each other from growing and experiencing this time of your lives.

Your trust is also an issue. You need to think of whether or not there are ways for your SO to make you feel more comfortable. Perhaps, he could introduce you to his flatmates/friends and invite you to their parties, too. I really think it could work and there are ways around you two breaking up, but you both have to be willing to try them and communicate with each other through them.

[differentcountries]

You could try to establish rules that are very specific. Like is partying pics on Facebook ok? How and when to visit? And also establishing rules like : if you have not talked about it, is it go ahead or should you hold your horses? What if something feels like a lack of trust and you did not agree not to do it in the first place? That last one goes for you and your various ways of snooping as well.

[piratemama]

I like the idea of rules, but I'd call them boundaries. If you both can agree on what is acceptable for each of you, that would help.

I don't like the idea of social media, like Snapchat or FB, when there is a great deal of flirting with the opposite sex. Again, you just to talk about those issues. As you will hear on this forum often, communication is key. Be calm and reasonable and talk with him. It's unfair to expect someone not to talk with anyone of the opposite sex again, but you can both agree on where to draw the line.

Trusting is harder in an LDR. It just is. There's no way around it. All you can do is trust until you have absolute proof of something wrong. Trust is the foundation of a relationship, so it is a necessity. If nothing really wrong has happened yet, give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the best. However, talk about those worries of yours and how you both can keep the trust and love alive, before something happens.

Being suspicious all the time is bad for you and a killer for a relationship.

[infinitelove13]

Hey Guys

Thanks for your replies they've really helped me out alot. The ones that didn't just tell me to end it were particularly helpful as anybody who has been in a relationship for almost six years can understand that there's a reason its been that long, right?

Anyway, I've basically taken everything on board and me and my SO have set some boundaries on things that are OK and things that are reasonable in making each other uncomfortable. I've made a vow to throw my insecurities out the windows and really get past everything that has happened in the past as beginning a relationship when you are really young is obviously going to have its mistakes because your learning. So hopefully, after promising to give 100% trust to him things will begin to sail smoothly from now on and i really thank you for your help

xxx