Need some help, confused college student

[bree18]

Sorry this is going to be kind of long but thank you in advance for reading this. I would like any thoughts and opinions on my situation.

Hi so, yeah, I'm in a LDR. We met on a video game and have been going out for almost 3 years. I am from California and he is from Florida. I'll just call him, "Dan".

We met on a video game and were attracted to each other in time. Most of our hang outs were on Skype and through various video games. At this time Dan was talking to another girl (we'll call her Amy) who had a boyfriend. Amy was his ex gf. He went out with her for a few months and she dumped him for this new guy. Amy had been going out with this new guy for almost 3 years. Every time she had a problem, she would come to Dan. Dan told me that Amy would say things like, "I wish you were my bf" or "you are the sweetest guy", etc. Dan told me that he had been in love with her for a while. After hanging out with Dan, we started dating and eventually he became my bf. When Amy found out, she broke up with her bf and tried to contact Dan. We got into many arguments about this during the first months of our relationship because he wanted to keep in contact with her. He defended his position that they were only just friends. I gave him the ultimatum, saying that if he chose to keep in contact with her I would just leave. So eventually, he said that he wouldn't talk to Amy and within a few weeks Amy decided to get back with her bf.

My relationship with Dan has been great and difficult. He is very sweet, texts me a lot and never gave me any reason to doubt him. His parents and friends know about me.

A few months ago he decided to quit his job so he can start college. he had a low paying job where he worked a lot. He also moved to a new place because his parents couldn't afford the place they were staying at. He is going to start a 2 year school this week. He had more free time so naturally, I felt he would probably want to do things to pass the time. In this new place that he moved to, his old friend from HS lives across the street so he would go to his house often. His friend has a gf and his gf has a best friend who is their age and single. All four of them have been hanging out recently. Fair enough. Again, he has never gave me any reason to doubt him. He texts me regularly and things seem fine when we talk. Well, this girl developed some feelings for him. It makes me sad, upset and miserable. Here I am, far far away, and I only see him in person about once every 3-4 months. When I'm at home, and all four of them go out on a Friday night and come home at 4, it makes me sick thinking about it. He tells me that nothing is going to happen and assures me that he won't let anything happen. Every time he hangs out with his friend, it is only the 4 of them. We've gotten into arguments about this before and tells me that I need to trust him. So it took me a while but after that I assured myself that things would be okay.

My last visit with Dan was on December and I flew to Florida during my winter break. Things were great. Everything was perfect. Well, on the last day of my visit, we were on his computer looking at news on his fb and a message from this girl popped up. I asked him who it was and he said he didn't know. And I got upset at him because I knew it was the girl that he hangs out with (his friend's gf tags them on fb and posts stuff all the time). Apparently they talk on fb and stuff. The conversations were a bit flirty, I guess that is normal, but nothing "bad" I guess. The thing was that he was the one initiating the conversation. I was really upset and we argued about it. After I went back to CA, we talked about it a lot and settled things. He told me that nothing would happen and things would be fine.

A few days ago I also found out that he started talking to his ex. I told him that I didn't like it and he told me that he didn't know it would be a big deal.

At this point, I feel so tired of being in a LDR. I just don't know what to do. Yes, I do admit to my own problems. Maybe I could be more trusting, who knows. But its hard. Its hard seeing someone for only 4 days every 3-4 months and it hurts knowing that they are hanging out with someone that likes them. I don't know, I'm just really tired and I've almost dropped out of college when we first started going out. I feel really tired and drained. He makes me happy and he is a very nice guy but at the same time it is just so hard being in a LDR. I am graduting this spring and I look back and sometimes think that if I wasn't going out with him anymore I would have wasted all the time when I could have been going out more in college and meeting new people. I put a lot of effort into this relationship. Things are great for the most part but there are times when I get really lonely and down. And when I feel down, I feel really, really down. It affects my school and sleep.

I got accepted into a few master's programs for computer engineering and I am deciding if I should start this fall. As an undergrad and being in a LDR relationship, I know how hard it was for me. I literally had to fight every step of the way just to keep up. It was very depressing but I tried my hardest. I don't know where this relationship is going and I do really love him. He makes me happy, I feel great and we always have a great time. As I mentioned earlier, he just started school and he his going for his 2 year degree. I don't know what it would be like for the both of us.

Again, sorry for the long post I would just like some advice, opinions or thoughts. Also any opinions or ideas to help me cope with this situation would be great, as I am a college student and this my last semester.

[differentcountries]

So, you are dating a popular guy. You want to take him completely off the marked (life) and make sure he does not do anything that makes you uncomfortable. By this, you are garanteed to make yourself unhappy. You will never get to the point where girls don't fancy him and he takes no interest in them. However, you can work on your relationship to him. Explore more in your relation. Share your issues and insecurities and what can the other person do to help. Be curious as to what the other person holds. Stop beeing nagging, stop being nice, just share. Find solutions together.

[Chlo]

Jealousy and insecurity are horrible and upsetting emotions for both you and your SO. Trust me, I have them too. I think everyone does at some point in their relationships.
I always talk to my SO about it. Yes, he may get annoyed or upset in general but we talk through it together. I think it's important that you don't let this get the better of you. Always take a step back and a deep breath and really think about it before you go ahead and say something. I find it helps quite a bit, since I see how upsetting it can be for both sides.

I have to agree with what differentcountries said. The importance of communication in LDRs is crucial, in my opinion.
The only other thing I can say, is that if you cannot truly trust your SO, or work out a compromise then maybe it is best to end the relationship before you hurt one another even more.

Best of luck to you.

[stormy]

I have to say that although your situation would be way too much for me, I can still see where you are coming from.
My SO is in the Navy and lives on a ship. His ex works on the same ship, girls who who have crushes on him, girls who would still like to sleep with him, girls who quite frankly push the line of sexual harassment are all on this ship with him at some point or another. As you said with your SO, I get text messages often, phone calls, and other things that are obvious signs that he cares about me. THAT is what I have to focus on. Of course you do not want to be taken for a fool but you also do not want to be so negative that you lose out on something beautiful.

To me, it sounds as if you already know what it is that you would like to do but decisions such as these are never ever easy. It sounds as if you would like to move forward in someway, but not only individually (which you both are), as a unit (which does not seem to be on the horizon). I think that I would take time to reevaluate my relationship WITH my partner not only on my own. I also make pro and con lists, they help my organize my thoughts.

Wish you all the best no matter the out come!

[infinitelove13]

Hey Bree18!

I cannot tell you how much I relate to this post as my SO of five years recently moved away to university to start a three year course (UK) much like you my SO developed new friendships with a lot of single girls, one of whom I was completely convinced had feelings for him. However, I completely disagree with the comments that are telling you to basically change yourself! It takes two people to make a relationship work and to be honest I don't feel as though your worries are at all irrational? You appear to have made it clear that talking with his ex made you insecure and yet he continued to do it? I also see that there was no reason for him to lie to you about not knowing who this girl was? Although there may be a rational reason to these actions, have you talked to him about it?

As many people say communication is the key to LDR and I believe it truly is. When I had all these doubts about my SO and couldn't bring myself to trust him people told me to end my relationship but instead I decided to talk with him about my problems. Perhaps you should discuss things that make you uncomfortable and discuss ways to change his ways that would make you feel more comfortable. But remember that relationships are about compromise so you also have to compromise the way you are feeling. You cannot demand that he not have a life and give him ultimatums (believe me I tried) because eventually he will probably resent you for it. I'm guessing your around the same age and therefore he is still young and after all you only have the first year of college once? So why not enjoy it within boundaries?

Also with hanging out in a four, I understand that because two of them are already in a relationship you believe it may cause your SO and this other girl to become inclined that way (I'm hoping I'm not completely wrong at what your suggesting) but honestly it could be nothing but innocent and I would rather my SO was hanging out with a group of friends than just one girl.

Finally, what you really have to think about is you. Perhaps you are too involved in this relationship and need to distance yourself a little? Perhaps pick up a hobby and concentrate on college (as I think you mentioned neglecting it?) You should become more invested in yourself as a person and maybe in that way you will become a little less involved in your SO's life and become independent in your own

I also want to state that when you are reading these comments remember that none of us replying know what it feels like to be in your relationship. We are not aware of the way he makes you feel when he compliments you, or how seriously you guys have discussed the future. So when taking into consideration remember this, if you guys are really serious and you truly believe in your heart that you will last then take on comments about improving your relationship. When I was in this situation it was my belief that my relationship truly was meant to be, as we often discussed the future and are even currently saving up for our own place when we both finish University that made me stop and think that I was over reacting and that we would make it. If you don't feel in your heart of hearts that is where you are going then you know what to do. Even though this site is for advice, when your reading everybody's advice I guarantee that there will be some things you disagree with (for me it was people telling me to end it) and the moment I disagreed with it, there was my advice given to me on a plate provided by my own mind, because I so strongly disagreed with ending it, I knew that deep down I wanted this to work.

Sorry for the long reply and I hope at least some of it makes sense!

Good luck to you both xxx

[piratemama]

A good friend or bf would make your life better. To hear you are so tired and thought of dropping out of school is a bad sign. When we love someone, we lift them up; your bf doesn't seem to be doing that for you. You can't let this LDR cause you to stop caring for yourself and your future.

I know we should trust our SO's until given good reason not to do so, but your situation with the FB and foursomes sounds like a red flag to me. I may be wrong, but it sounds like he might be trying to have his cake and eat it too.

Trust your gut instinct.