Lack of Romance? HELP!

[kbender]

My SO isn't very affectionate when we're apart. It's difficult for him to put in effort to tell me something thoughtful and romantic. I tell him that it would help me get through the distance more easily, but he doesn't understand and he still doesn't put in the effort. Is that just something I'm forced to get used to or do other agree that it is an important part of the relationship?

[differentcountries]

So you want him to tell you nice words when you are apart?

[Hollandia]

I think she wants more than nice words. I think it is about feeling like the pain you are going through being all alone with your loved one far away is worth it because this other person is just as much in love with you as you are with them. I totally understand. I am very lucky because my SO is very romantic. The most romantic man I have ever met in my entire life. It is new to me and I am loving every second of it. I really don't know if I would be able to bear this way of living if he was not. That is a choice I am glad I don't have to make.

I would suggest trying to help him understand more. I think that maybe a few movies with some very romantic gestures in them might help. If in the end he cannot provide this to you then you would have to accept it. He might however just need to be taught what you mean exactly and sometimes words are not enough. Fifty First Dates or Ten Things I Hate about you are really cute romantic movies that are funny too. My SO is no Rom-Com kind of guy but if it means enough to me he will watch one every once and a awhile. Here's a website with a few suggestions.

https://www.screenjunkies.com/movies...ovies-for-men/

I really think that if he loves you enough he should be willing to at least try or that would be a deal breaker for me.

[piratemama]

My SO isn't mushy-gushy either, but he is trying. He's more of an action kind of guy. He's always asking if I need anything. His love language is acts of service, while mine is words of affirmation. We are trying to be more understanding of what the other needs, though.

Basically, you can't change the way a guy is at his core, no more than you can stop needing the romantic gestures. All you can do is explain to him how important it is to you and give him some suggestions for ways to make your heart soar. At the same time, realize those same actions might not mean as much to him when you do them for him. For example, I love romantic poems and love letters; they always mean the most to me. My SO could care less and even gets a little put off with all my love notes. He's learning what it means when I do it, though. I finally asked him to please write me a letter and explained how much it would mean. I know that was painfully hard for him, but he did it. It means even more to me, because I know it's not comfortable for him to do.

It's good when two people can understand the differences of one another and try to meet in the middle. It's certainly not wrong to want him to meet your needs. It's the same as intimacy needs. No one sees a problem when we tell a guy what we need physically, so the emotional needs can be discussed, too.

It might work to ask him to list a few ways you can best show him your love. What would he appreciate the most? Then you could give him a list for ways he can best show his love for you. Make a fun game or discussion out of it.

[kbender]

Thanks guys! I try to tell him that it's important to me, but he just tells me he doesn't know how to be romantic. It isn't even an issue just when he's gone. I see him on a monthly basis because he's away at school and comes home to his family and me fairly often, but even then, I get nothing. We're basically just best friends that are open about liking each other that have sex. Like, there is little romance unless it's sexual.

It got to a point where I wanted him to google "How to be romantic" and even that was impossible for him.

[Photonut]

I think you're going to have to either break up or come to terms with what kind of guy he is. He's not the romantic type of dude.

[PikaRee]

Thankfully my SO is very romantic indeed and loving. However, it is about communicating about he feels with you. It is also important for him to understand how you are feeling at times. Even though, I enjoy my time with my SO all the time, he still questions me to ask if i felt good always and that is okay . Perhaps finding activities you both love like skype or watching a film can help. You have to be as open as you can with him Good luck!

[lilcupcake]

I don't think a break up is necessary. But it will have to be a "meet me half way" thing. He is going to have to start trying, and even then it won't be as much as you would like, but he would be trying. Explain to him that you feel a lot like "friends with benefits", and you need to feel more special than that. It might hit home for him.

[jana89]

My SO is totally dumb when it comes to romance, it seriously isn´t his thing. That´s why I stopped asking him to answer my letters or send me some video message back and instead I learned to appriciate the smallest little things. He is much better in this when we are together, but the distance isn´t really working for him.

[snow]

A friend of mine recently got involved in an LDR and the first thing my man told him was that he needs to make sure he puts in that extra effort BECAUSE it is an LDR. If you can see each other often, just holding each other is enough to make each other happy, but in an LDR you have to do this through words and gestures.

It might not be in him to say those things to you, but he should atleast type them to you. Being overly ooey gooey is not in my nature, but I like to drop him a nice line that makes him feel appreciated and loved.

[kbender]

Thanks guys! I guess it's all about me just not expecting it. It's not like he's completely incompetent or anything. I mean, he has gotten me flowers and makes an effort to tell me nice things on a daily basis, but I think it's just me wanting more. He explained to me that he feels under appreciated because he does try, but it's not as much as he feels I want. I feel like maybe I want more of that to over compensate with the distance, but that isn't how it works.

We got into a huge, huge, huuuuuuge argument about how he doesn't put effort into us on Saturday night and I just had felt so bad about making him feel under appreciated that I drove all night to see him just to tell him I'm sorry. He's about 6 hours away, driving distance. I left at 1, when he fell asleep while we were arguing, and got there at 7 to wake him up and tell him that I will do anything to make us work. It probably was a little unreasonable, but I'm glad you guys helped and gave me the courage to talk to him about it because it made me find out how he feels about it.

[differentcountries]

The word romantic often conceals the specific stuff. Telling someone to be romantic is like telling someone to play music. It is not very specific in terms of what and how and where and when. If you had some experiences before that you liked, you may tell him about them. If you have fantasies, you can share. Romantic gestures can be of all kinds. Perhaps he is better at one thing than another, perhaps you appreciate one thing more. If you talk about it more openly and without resentment it is easier. Always, always thank him for his efforts, even if it is not top notch performance. They say men are like dogs and that you should train them with praise Anyway, most people feel better when they get a sense of what they are doing right, and learn better from it than a focus on mistakes. And you can take online tests to find your best love languages, it might be fun

[rachel.guffey]

My SO isn't mushy-gushy either, but he is trying. He's more of an action kind of guy. He's always asking if I need anything. His love language is acts of service, while mine is words of affirmation. We are trying to be more understanding of what the other needs, though.

Basically, you can't change the way a guy is at his core, no more than you can stop needing the romantic gestures. All you can do is explain to him how important it is to you and give him some suggestions for ways to make your heart soar. At the same time, realize those same actions might not mean as much to him when you do them for him. For example, I love romantic poems and love letters; they always mean the most to me. My SO could care less and even gets a little put off with all my love notes. He's learning what it means when I do it, though. I finally asked him to please write me a letter and explained how much it would mean. I know that was painfully hard for him, but he did it. It means even more to me, because I know it's not comfortable for him to do.

It's good when two people can understand the differences of one another and try to meet in the middle. It's certainly not wrong to want him to meet your needs. It's the same as intimacy needs. No one sees a problem when we tell a guy what we need physically, so the emotional needs can be discussed, too.

It might work to ask him to list a few ways you can best show him your love. What would he appreciate the most? Then you could give him a list for ways he can best show his love for you. Make a fun game or discussion out of it.

Have you guys taken the Love Language quiz? This would be a perfect way for both of you to truly understand how the other wants to be loved. My love language is physical touch or something like that, which I already knew. But it was helpful to actually see it in black and white. I believe his was also words of affirmation. I highly suggest taking this quiz. It will only help you to love each other in a better, more constructive way.

[Yaaamiii]

Have you guys taken the Love Language quiz? This would be a perfect way for both of you to truly understand how the other wants to be loved. My love language is physical touch or something like that, which I already knew. But it was helpful to actually see it in black and white. I believe his was also words of affirmation. I highly suggest taking this quiz. It will only help you to love each other in a better, more constructive way.

Mine is the same as yours, physical touch (which SUCKS in a long distance relationship!!!), and my SO's is words of affirmation (soooo much easier -.-). I recently finished reading the five love languages and knowing our love languages helped me understand not only how to better my communication with my SO but also explained part of why I was so emotional at the beginning of our relationship.

[differentcountries]

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