"Your Distance Isn't Real Distance" Issues :(

[kimmidyann]

My boyfriend and I are studying at separate universities currently. He is still in the same state, and isn't even that far away. The problem is, he is just far enough away (a 45 minute drive in no traffic) that I can't make trips out to see him. I see him more often than most LDR couples and for that I am thankful. But I am being faced with a problem that I hope I can get support for, here.

I am currently a full time student, working a part time job, and a part time internship. Unfortunately, my parents' rules are that if I am not a full time student, I have to be working full time to help pay for the rent. So that automatically ties me up a few days of the week. That doesn't seem bad, but I am also required by my parents to pay certain bills, and with my minimum wage retail job, that required me to work a certain amount of hours in the week. The one day I am free, I work at an internship that's 45 minutes away from me. I come home right at traffic time and it usually takes me about an hour to get home. I looked to see if it'd be any closer to him, and it's 45 minutes away from him too! Just enough in the wrong direction to be inconvenient. Driving that far though is also eating up all of my gas money, and I've had to pick up extra hours at work to make ends meet. So now, even if I have the day off, I either have to pick up a work shift or ask somebody else for gas money to go up and see him. We try to make it so we see each other once a month, but it is so hard to plan. I am usually free to travel right when rush hour traffic starts... which turns the 45 minute trip into a nightmare. One time, I said screw it and ended up spending 4 hours stuck on the freeway trying to get to him. LA traffic in California is HORRIBLE.

I have tons of friends who do not have to pay bills or go to school full time, so they don't understand how hard it is for me to plan time to go see him. Everybody says the same thing: "Take time off of work!" "Don't take too many classes!" ... but it's just not in the cards for me. He doesn't have a car or a license and is pretty much in the same boat as I am in anyway. He's going to be picking up an office job at the pride center, and he's a full time student as well. It's getting really hard hearing, "Yeah well he's in the same time zone" or "He's only 40 miles away!" over and over again, because the miles don't matter! I can't see him anyway! Is there anybody in the same boat as me at all or can offer any support? I'm feeling crushed over here by all the people laughing at me when I tell them I'm in an LDR.

[snow]

It's a touchy subject and I will say this before it turns into a huge debate of wheather someone's LDR is really a long distance one, or not:
I understand you and I wouldn't bother with what your friends, or whoever those people were, say. Your relationship is not defined by what other people say or think about it, it is what you two make it out to be. So you are only 45 minutes away, but are not able to see each other even once a month. Doesn't make you miss him any less, if not even more, knowing he is SO close, but not having the time or money to see him. Education is important, so good for you for having your priorities set.

I have to pay for rent and bills aswell, I have a part-time job and go to college part-time, so I know where you are coming from. Just stick it out for as long as you need. Finish school and earn the money you can. Seeing your SO once a month is not perfect, but it is not a terrible situation either

[kimmidyann]

Thank you so much for understanding! I definitely know it's not the worst, and am so grateful that he is so close to me. I'm grateful we can Skype and talk without having to worry about a time difference, but it's so hard to actually see him in person. And you're right, knowing he's that close and not getting to see him still, kills me. I really appreciate this response, even with you being so far away from your SO. Thank you!

[kikidee]

I don't really know where you can draw the line, but I don't know if I could consider that a LDR. It sounds like a painful one in which you miss him, but that just sounds like it'd be named different. Like a too-busy-to-see-each-other relationship. If 45 minutes is too far for you, then it's your schedule that is sucking, not your distance apart. Seriously, be GLAD you aren't not only busy but ALSO have to buy a damn plane ticket! (not that all long distance couples have to).
But as I'm sure others will say, that's just my opinion. But I think my point is, who cares about the label? Why do you NEED to convince people it's a long distance relationship? I'd be trying to convince myself it isnt xD (that probably doesnt make sense). I would probably just say that i'm too busy, and still say that you miss him and have reason to. But seriously, it's just a label, and a painful one at that. You don't need it.

[80anthea]

I'm sorry but I do find it hard to understand why you think you're in a ldr. Your situation isn't ideal and is obviously tough on your relationship but you're not in a ldr. Until a couple of months ago I worked further away from my house then your SO is!!

Instead of trying to label the relationship concentrate on what you do have..... if there was an emergency or one of you were sick you could be there in 45-minutes be grateful for that if nothing else.

[kimmidyann]

Okay well this was exactly the opposite of what I needed. It is an LDR, but maybe this place isn't the best place for me to get my support.

I am not trying to convince anybody it is an LDR, I am trying to defend myself because I consider it long distance and people keep telling me it isn't that bad. But thanks for trying?

[mellif]

Try to understand that a lot of people here are 1,000+ miles away from their SO's, and many would be thrilled to be only 45 minutes away, even if the circumstances were difficult. I personally don't judge how people label their relationships, and if you think you qualify as an LDR, then you do, and there's no reason why you shouldn't get equal support here. However, people will naturally be judgemental just because the distance is seemingly more manageable. I respect how much you must work to see him, and I hope you can find the comfort you need. I also live in LA, and I totally understand what you mean about the traffic!

[80anthea]

But can you see WHY people look at your situation and think it's not that bad?

Modern life is busy, I know people who live in the same house and don't see eachother often because of work. Are they in a ldr too? Just tell people it's a difficult situation and if they laugh or don't support you then they are the sort of people you don't need in your life.

[Tooki]

Okay well this was exactly the opposite of what I needed. It is an LDR, but maybe this place isn't the best place for me to get my support.

I am not trying to convince anybody it is an LDR, I am trying to defend myself because I consider it long distance and people keep telling me it isn't that bad. But thanks for trying?

Don't feel put off by labels, I was in a somewhat similar situation to yourself while I was on exchange studies. I got to see my GF more often than you see my BF but it felt like LD nonetheless. Be thankful that you're in the same timezone, so communicating isn't such an issue.

Yes sure, we would all love to be 45 minutes away from our partners but it's all relative. For most of us, 45 minutes would be a blessing. For those in a CDR, extending the distance apart to 45 minutes would be hell. It's all relative.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

My boyfriend and I are studying at separate universities currently. He is still in the same state, and isn't even that far away. The problem is, he is just far enough away (a 45 minute drive in no traffic) that I can't make trips out to see him. I see him more often than most LDR couples and for that I am thankful. But I am being faced with a problem that I hope I can get support for, here.

I am currently a full time student, working a part time job, and a part time internship. Unfortunately, my parents' rules are that if I am not a full time student, I have to be working full time to help pay for the rent. So that automatically ties me up a few days of the week. That doesn't seem bad, but I am also required by my parents to pay certain bills, and with my minimum wage retail job, that required me to work a certain amount of hours in the week. The one day I am free, I work at an internship that's 45 minutes away from me. I come home right at traffic time and it usually takes me about an hour to get home. I looked to see if it'd be any closer to him, and it's 45 minutes away from him too! Just enough in the wrong direction to be inconvenient. Driving that far though is also eating up all of my gas money, and I've had to pick up extra hours at work to make ends meet. So now, even if I have the day off, I either have to pick up a work shift or ask somebody else for gas money to go up and see him. We try to make it so we see each other once a month, but it is so hard to plan. I am usually free to travel right when rush hour traffic starts... which turns the 45 minute trip into a nightmare. One time, I said screw it and ended up spending 4 hours stuck on the freeway trying to get to him. LA traffic in California is HORRIBLE.

I have tons of friends who do not have to pay bills or go to school full time, so they don't understand how hard it is for me to plan time to go see him. Everybody says the same thing: "Take time off of work!" "Don't take too many classes!" ... but it's just not in the cards for me. He doesn't have a car or a license and is pretty much in the same boat as I am in anyway. He's going to be picking up an office job at the pride center, and he's a full time student as well. It's getting really hard hearing, "Yeah well he's in the same time zone" or "He's only 40 miles away!" over and over again, because the miles don't matter! I can't see him anyway! Is there anybody in the same boat as me at all or can offer any support? I'm feeling crushed over here by all the people laughing at me when I tell them I'm in an LDR.

Sorry, I have to agree with the majority here. You have a time crunch problem, which is solvable, and you do see each other occasionally. It isn't really a long-distance relationship, by any stretch of the imagination. You will never have to worry about passports, visas, expensive plane trips, etc. I have never even seen my SO in person. I don't know when we ever will with financial issues and family obligations.

Count your blessings with what you do have, and try to figure out a plan, together, so you can see each other more. Maybe it would be possible to meet each other once in a while half way. Save up your money, so you can afford to take a day off work. Your schedule is crazy, and it does seem your parents could be a bit more reasonable too, I mean full-time school AND full-time job is a bit much for anyone! Everybody needs weekends off, or at least one day a week free.

Good luck! I hope you and your bf can figure out something, together. And don't worry about labels, or what people think. As my SO says, WE don't care what people think, this is OUR relationship, not theirs.

[kimmidyann]

Thank you for those of you who stepped up and made me feel slightly better. Of course those who are in a further relationship would be thrilled to only be 45 minutes away. My best friend is in a 2,000 mile LDR and still respects that I, too, am in an LDR.

I called our relationship a "difficult situation" when for the first year of our relationship we weren't allowed to text, talk on the phone, or Skype, and communicated only by letters delivered through mutual friends because his parents thought I was the devil himself. He was 20 minutes walking distance from me and I wasn't ever allowed to see him. It was hard but it definitely wasn't called an LDR. We only went long distance to protect him from his family and it has been the most challenging relationship. Because of the struggles our non-traditional relationship face, having any amount of distance between us is incredibly hard. I know many of my friends who are in trans* relationships would never dream of trying to do it long distance (which they consider anything more than 15 miles). In about a year and a half I will be 2,000 miles away and I'm sure I'll be wishing for that 45 minute distance. But for now, it hurts. I'm sorry if anybody felt offended by my post because it wasn't my intention. I am a firm believer in not trivializing anybody's problems at all, and I applaud you all for what you're going through. But please understand that due to the circumstances I am in, 45 minutes is a long enough distance to create a problem and that's where things become hard.

EDIT: Just because I do not have to deal with the problems you have to deal with, does not mean my distance isn't long distance. I'm getting really discouraged and hoped to find a more helpful and supportive community instead of being told again and again that I should suck it up and be grateful. It's equally frustrating not being able to see him because he is too far, and not being able to find the support for it either. Imagine if you had no support because everybody told you that you were being ungrateful. This entire thread only made me more upset.

[Kanga]

Yeah, I've always heard about the LA traffic issues there. Maybe this is just me being lazy, but I consider if I travel more than 20 minutes to see my boyfriend, yeah that's long distance. I'm not going to say your distance isn't long distance, that's not for me to say granted I am jealous. haha, it really does seem like a time issue. Let me ask how long is your internship? Once it's done does it free up more time for you and your SO to see each other?

[80anthea]

Can I ask what exactly you expected by posting this here?

[TwoThree]

I try to keep an open mind when it comes to what may or may not be defined as a LDR, but a 45 minutes drive basically means that I can say I'm in a LDR with my coworkers because that's how long it takes me to get to work on light traffic days

However, don't let that discourage you and don't feel upset because people don't consider it a LDR. This is still a forum you can be part of. You can still participate and ask for advice and support. After all, if that weren't the case, people who closed the distance and moved in together would be banned

[Dezface]

Look-whether or not the circumstance of your relationship is difficult isn't for anyone else to judge. But while normally I'm one of the "we can't define someone else's distance" camp, this just doesn't fit the bill for me. You have issues that prevent you from seeing each other, but it's not so much a distance problem. Why the need to label it?

But that doesn't mean you can't stick around and find support here. We can all relate to not being able to see our SO when we'd like to.