Sudden break up before visit! HELP!

[Taco]

Hi Everyone!

My boyfriend and I met our freshman year in college but before junior year he had to transfer to a different school. We have been in along distance relationship for about two years and we only had one more year to go. I'm a senior and I will be staying at school another year to complete my program and he will be spending another year in his school because not all of his credits transferred over. So basically we will be graduating at the same time and we were planning on living together in the city after college.
This month I've been having trouble with the semester and I have been turning to my boyfriend for support and he was always there for me. He would tell me he loved me and cared about me and when he suddenly couldn't be here for Valentine's day (for reasons he couldn't control) he said he would come in two weekends.
He was going to visit me this Friday (which is one full day away) but last Friday he suddenly got mad at me for being so upset about something that happened at school and when we talked over the weekend he said that he had been unhappy for some time and he felt like his efforts to make me happy were unappreciated.
I had NO idea that he was this upset because he never communicated that to me and just a few days earlier we were both excited to see each other. He says that he's done and now he won't talk to me or respond to my texts or anything and i'm so lost and confused! I said I was sorry for not showing him enough appreciation recently and I was just so shocked to find out that he had felt this way! I want to talk things out with him and try and fix things because I literally just found out he felt this way, but he is unwilling to do anything but say goodbye and tell me we should just be friends.
We got into a fight like this last year around the same time and then he saw me and everything has been fine but now he is completely ignoring me and doesn't want to see me.
After two years of being in a relationship with me and after planning a visit in a few days I think that if he wants to end it we should at least meet in person. I'm not going to try and change anything if we meet. I just want to be sure there are really no feelings there anymore and I think that we should meet to say goodbye and not have things be done over the phone so suddenly. This is so out of character of him and I'm so devastated that he won't even see me anymore.
I suggested that we meet half way at a coffee shop or something to talk (I can't really go right to him because he lives with his parents and that could be awkward) and be civil about this but he just hasn't responded to any of my texts.
I have put so much into this relationship by doing the "open when" letters and a bunch of cute things for his birthday and every holiday and visit we had. I'm just so hurt and confused and I'm not sure what to do about him saying it's over so suddenly and not being willing to talk with me or see me at all.
This is the first time in about two years we haven't talked for more than a day without saying why. When we had our other big fight last year we didn't talk for a day or two but he told me that he just needed to think and I respected that. I gave him is space this time too but he just would not have a honest conversation with me about our relationship that didn't include the part about being done.
I just don't know what to do because I'm so hurt and shocked that he just shut me out so quickly and won't see me. I just don't understand why he would do this right before we see each other and we were both talking so much about how awesome it was going to be in a week when we finally had a weekend visit! He lives three hours away and I'm more than willing to go see him but I'm not sure where I would stay and i just don't know what to do!
Please help!

[piratemama]

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I'm sure it is very upsetting. However, you have to take a deep breath and gather your thoughts. You won't make a wise decision when so emotional. Several issues may be going on with your SO. He may have been scared at the approaching visit. It could be that he is afraid of how serious your relationship is getting and only needs some time to miss you. Also, many guys don't do well with drama and emotions. They are often wired to fix problems and get overloaded when we vent to them. I've read many articles that suggest venting to girlfriends, not our guys. I know that varies with some men, but my SO is one that doesn't do well with the emotional conversation I often need.

You have invested much time and love into your relationship, but you can't make him feel anything and you can't make him do anything. My knee-jerk reaction is to let him go. If he acts like that, who needs him? I would not think you should chase him. However, since you care so much and really want to understand, you could visit him anyway. Since you are only 3 hours away, couldn't you make a trip in one day? I know that's a hard trip for one day, but I have often driven 4 hours to another state and back home in one day; it can be done. You wouldn't have to worry about where you'd stay.

If you go see him, be prepared for any reaction from him. He might refuse to talk with you at all, depending on his reasons for the break up. At least, you would know. If he does talk with you, stay calm and rational. Let him know that he is not at fault for your stress and issues at school. Let him know you aren't depending on him to fix any of that and you only needed him to listen.

Another possibility is to give him some time and see what happens. Give him a chance.

Judging by his actions, it's likely you won't change his mind. I'm so sorry. I hope I'm wrong, though. Good luck.

[Taco]

Thank you so much for being honest with me.
Thank you so much for being honest with me.
It's just so so hard not to have him anymore because he was my best friend and there are so many things that happen during the day that I just want to share with him and I just can't anymore. And I honestly didn't see this coming at all and after finding out he was unhappy I did everything to search new things that we could do and I offered to have a conversation about me visiting him more often and stuff and he just said he was sorry. He said he could see us together later on but right now with all of the emotional stuff he just couldn't anymore. Now that I know that he is unhappy all I want to do is cheer him up and be normal me again but I'm afraid it just came of as desperate, but I genuinely want to make him happy and I care about him so so much.
I asked if he would have said this if he had been able to visit a week ago and he said he wouldn't have...so I just don't understand why he can't give us a few more days and see me...even just as best friends who want to sort this out. I'm just so lost.
And he could rarely visit before and I'm SO SOO afraid if he doesn't visit this weekend (because he already made arrangements with work) I will never see him again.
I haven't texted him all day because I'm trying to give him space so maybe he'll come to at least see me still, but at the same time I'm afraid that if I don't reach out him he won't want to come either and I'll look crazy. The last time I texted him I told him that I really think we should end it in person and everything and I explained the rationale behind it. I'm totally fine with him breaking up with me but I just want to see him. We have been in this for two years and it hurts that he just wants to call me up one day and just do this.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

It sounds to me like he got overwhelmed with the emotional roller coaster, and felt that his efforts to make you happy weren't working. The fact is he can't make you happy. That is something you have to do on your own. You can't depend on him to make you happy, or keep you happy. My SO gets after me about that sometimes, and I am finally getting it through my head that I have to have my own happy and fulfilled life on my side of the world, just as he has his own. We can share happy moments, and support each other when needed, but in the end, happiness is an inside job, for each of us.

It also sounds like he was really disappointed that he missed his opportunity to visit you, and is afraid of being disappointed again. Could it also be that he is stressed out over his job? I know when my SO is stressed out with his job, he gets kind of quiet with me. Sometimes, they just need their space. Give him a little space and time, and see what happens.

And I do agree with piratemama, that if he can't come to you, and you are only 3 hours away, plan to go see him. Make it a weekend, or a day when you know he will not be working.

Good luck. I hope things will work out for you.

[Jaac]

I'm so sorry you feel this way!!
I'm going through something similar right now, so I can totally relate!
I don't know whats going on in his life, but maybe something happend that he's stressed out about.
It's a bit radical of him to say it's over after you've been together for quite a while without even giving you a chance to explain yourself.
Or without explaining himself!

I think the right thing to do if give him a couple of days. Maybe he finds out he actually misses you and he made a rushed decision.
I agree with AussieAmericanGirl that you should maybe visit him. He's only 3 hours away.
With whatsapp it's easy to just ignore somebody, whereas in real life you kind of have to talk to each other.
Maybe when you see each other face to face, he will explain why he's been like this and his concerns.
And you can convince him that you'll try to give him more appreciation.

I hope thing work out!
Once again, I know what you're going through!
Just give him some space.
eventhough it's the HARDEST thing ever.... You just want him to talk to you.