Jealousy/Possible cheating?

[Deneb]

So I'm actually slightly scared to post this, but here goes. My boyfriend went away to college about seven months ago (we've seen each other once since for break) after we had spent nearly every day together prior too. He never really had friends before, especially females, so it was hard for me to digest when he went to college. Before he would say "If I have any friends that are girls, you can meet them on Skype" or "Any girls that have shown more interest than friends, I stopped talking to them (on his own accord)." Well all that seems to have changed. I have never met any of the girls, and we barely Skype (maybe 4 times since he's been gone altogether). He will tell his guy friends about me, but not the girls now. I asked him why if he wants me to treat the females as equals, but it's like he can't even mention me around them. His reasoning was "He shut them down so hard or they have boyfriend's so they don't ask if he has a girlfriend." We actually did get the "Loving From A Distance" bands, but now I wonder if he even wears that. What bothers me more is he never has been the "lovely-dovey" type, especially in person. This is going to sound horrible, I know - but I saw one of his chats with a girl that went about her being his tattoo buddy and he was going to hug her. It may sound silly, but I have no clue who she is nor has he even been the type to be like that with females. Heck, even the first few weeks of our relationship it was odd for him to have PDA (as in hand holding). He just said before he's tired of trying to prove to me he hasn't been cheating on me, but lately more girls seem to be popping up (to me at least. They could have always been there for all I know). I'm really hoping someone can shed some light on this, or at least some advice with jealousy. It's been extremely difficult for me (first time LDR), and I don't know if it's me over-thinking it or if there are red flags. I appreciate it.

[lyonsgirl]

Have you talked to him about it? If not, you're probably over thinking it.

[Deneb]

When I have tried to speak with him about "keeping me a secret" to female friends, he tends to get mad and just say that I don't trust him or that he will handle things his own way. With regards to Skype, he just always says he's too busy with his workload (which is fair - but there's nights he'll go out for awhile when I ask for ten minutes of Skype). Anything with females now if brought up, it usually turns into a defensive war with him.

[differentcountries]

The red flag is him thinking it was neccesary or wise to co-skype or reject any girl who fancied him. Now he is in the real world at college, and choking on his own rules. He has changed, but he does not know how to talk to you about it. Stop being so suspicious. It is normal to want to have fun. If you want his honesty, behave as if you are interested in what he has to say and how he experience his new life.

[Deneb]

We broke up for a few months after he first left. During that time when he came home we got back together, & I stumbled on his dating website that he was still on (was about ten days worth of us being back together and him still posting on it). Reading some of the messages, there was no flirting (from what I saw) and we deleted it together when it was brought up. He said he was going to when he got back to school. Broke a lot of trust when one of the messages were "having a good time one my break with friends & family (no girlfriend)." Since then, anytime I even ask who the girls were or what they all did, he just..he yells. I don't know how to show I'm interested in what he says, to where he will be able to comfortably bring up girls. Or stop thinking it's wrong that he won't mention me to them (even just in casual conversation).

[differentcountries]

So, you two broke up, he joined a dating site but did not even flirt much when you were apart. After you got together again he says nothing when you snoop into his profile, reading his messages, finding nothing much other than him using the dating site for social purposes, and for some reason you act as if he cheated on you. You are then upfront about the fact that you suspect him of sleeping with his friends behind your back, and he reacts to your distrust by not being open towards you. Sounds like you set up a trap for yourself and now you are falling into it.

[80anthea]

I don't see how this relationship will work unless you build in some trust.

[Deneb]

So, you two broke up, he joined a dating site but did not even flirt much when you were apart. After you got together again he says nothing when you snoop into his profile, reading his messages, finding nothing much other than him using the dating site for social purposes, and for some reason you act as if he cheated on you. You are then upfront about the fact that you suspect him of sleeping with his friends behind your back, and he reacts to your distrust by not being open towards you. Sounds like you set up a trap for yourself and now you are falling into it.

He still flirted with many (although he says he did it just to get them to talk) on the site when we weren't together, he just continued talking to them after we got back together. I only looked at a few to try to stop myself from getting too deep into (the irony), just the "you're so beautiful etc" stopped. Which he lied about a lot until I pointed it out, saying he lied to protect me from being hurt with the site. I feel like I partially set myself up in a huge trap, especially considering I'm not used to that many females being around. He just has a tendency to tell me about all these females that want him, and then the only communication we have is through typing which makes it worse. So, since I'm kind of at a rut here and this may seem absolutely silly, but how do you build up trust with that? How do you show you're sincerely interested without them lashing out at you?

[meganpillow]

In my opinion, I don't blame you for feeling this way, and I've been in this situation before. Just take a deep breath, if he is doing something behind your back, I guarantee it's going to show itself without you looking and checking up on him. You don't trust him, and I think that's where his anger is coming from. I say give yourself a break and back off a little bit and wait it out. No need to look through his messages, the truth will show itself I promise.

[OperaDiva]

From your writing I see there is a lot of negative energy in your relationship - mistrust, anger, etc. Ups and downs happen all the time in any relationship, but without love, care, respect, trust and commitment you cannot expect it to survive. I think it is normal that your SO changed when he went to college, started living on his own and made new friends, and you need to accept it. What I would advice is that you calm down and think about your relationship - does it make you happy and fulfilled, does it meet your emotional needs, does it have a future. If you decide that this is what you want, you need to sit down with your SO and start communicating without the blame game. Read about "I feel" statements and the non-violent communication techniques. Good luck!

[ethelynn]

To be fair, I'd be suspicious too if my SO would refuse to tell his female friends that he is in a relationship, especially after a year being together with someone. Not wanting to introduce them to me or let them know about me in any way. I do agree with OperaDiva's suggestion, think about what really bothers you, write it down and when you are together, during a calm moment, bring it up with him. But talk about how it makes you feel, don't blame him even if you feel he deserves it.

[Deneb]

There is a lot of anger and negative emotions, which makes it difficult. When I try to tell him what's bothering me or be calm about it, he usually blows it up saying it's petty and I'm the only one causing stress. I hate using the "age game," but since he is almost three years younger than I am, sometimes I wonder if that's a factor right now (Just turned 20, I'm 22). I will definitely read about the "I feel" statements. I appreciate all of your help.

[differentcountries]

Non Violent Communication ;
Describe situation (fact, not commenting)
Tell your feelings
What are your basic needs?
Ask a simple request, something concrete