Advice on Coping with Busy Schedules.

[mayomi]

My boyfriend and I are attending universities on opposite ends of the world. We have been together 3 years now, and most of this time has been spend apart.

He had to attend 2 years of mandatory enlistment into the army, and now that he is in university, he feels like he has to make up for the lost time and make the most of the opportunities available. I support that, I really do, but it's come to the point where he has no time to invest in proper communication as his focus is on his academic commitments and extra-curricular activities. When we do talk, it seems like we've run out of things to say.

As such, I've been feeling increasingly neglected, and when I ask him to cut back on his obligations, he says he won't because they are important to him, even at the risk of losing me. He tells me that things will be better when I come home, but I've been struggling.

I know that we both still love each other very much, but it's taking a toll on me.

I don't know where to draw the line between understanding that he needs to do all these things that are important to him, and when I'm being taken for granted and neglected. I want hang on to what we have at least until I graduate (in July) and we no longer have this distance between us. But it's so hard, and I think my bringing up the situation every so often has not helped at all. I don't know what to do.

[Hollandia]

My boyfriend and I are attending universities on opposite ends of the world. We have been together 3 years now, and most of this time has been spend apart.

He had to attend 2 years of mandatory enlistment into the army, and now that he is in university, he feels like he has to make up for the lost time and make the most of the opportunities available. I support that, I really do, but it's come to the point where he has no time to invest in proper communication as his focus is on his academic commitments and extra-curricular activities. When we do talk, it seems like we've run out of things to say.

As such, I've been feeling increasingly neglected, and when I ask him to cut back on his obligations, he says he won't because they are important to him, even at the risk of losing me. He tells me that things will be better when I come home, but I've been struggling.

I know that we both still love each other very much, but it's taking a toll on me.

I don't know where to draw the line between understanding that he needs to do all these things that are important to him, and when I'm being taken for granted and neglected. I want hang on to what we have at least until I graduate (in July) and we no longer have this distance between us. But it's so hard, and I think my bringing up the situation every so often has not helped at all. I don't know what to do.

I am confused about you saying that he hardly ever has to for proper communication but that when you do you run out of things to talk about? How can you run out of stuff to talk about if you hardly ever talk? I don't know how much you do speak so I would first ask how much on average do you talk in a weeks time? I would also suggest trying to do some other stuff together online instead of just talking like playing a game or joining another forum to post on together or just watching a favorite tv show or some movies together. I think he must have a lot on his plate and it might help to lighten his load a bit by making your time together about fun and not just about a feeling of obligation to to talk to the other half.

If you are done with this distance in June, Congrats you only have 4 more months to go. Stay busy with other things to take your mind off it and remind yourself you have a huge light at the end of your tunnel.

[mayomi]

I appreciate your reply, really, but i doubt we can carry out your suggestions as he definitely would not have time to watch a show or play a game.

I get about 10 texts a day, each probably between 3 to 5 words and an hour skype call every week. I suppose there is nothing to say really because we live very seperate lives with not very much in common now or that there simply isn't anything worth saying.

[Hollandia]

I appreciate your reply, really, but i doubt we can carry out your suggestions as he definitely would not have time to watch a show or play a game.

I get about 10 texts a day, each probably between 3 to 5 words and an hour skype call every week. I suppose there is nothing to say really because we live very separate lives with not very much in common now or that there simply isn't anything worth saying.

Sorry to hear that. It does seems that he should be able to give you at least a half an hour a week to watch a show with you. If you love someone you make time for them around your busy life. What type of things does he text you? Is it twitter style like he is updating you on his day or is it fun and joking things that lovers say to each other?

Not having anything to say worries me. What did you used to talk about? You don't have any common interests anymore? If the two of you are not enjoying the communication then I am not surprised he is not willing to push other things off for it. You can still love someone and grow apart from them and that is a sad thing but it does happen and usually spells the end of a relationship. Have you thought about getting the book of questions for LDR, or some conversation starters and seeing if the two of you can ignite the old fire. When I talk to my SO and we are LD sometimes we just enjoy stupid silly stuff. He will send me a funny 2 min clip and or we will talk about something that happened in the news in one of our countries.

If you were to meet the person he is to you today, would you still want to be dating him? IF the answer is yes then there must still be that connection. If the answer is no then there is a problem that may or may not go away when the distance is gone. I feel for you and I hope your 4 months goes by fast for you so that you can get rid of the distance and see if you two can pick as you were before.

[mayomi]

I don't know if I'm over reacting, because I'm missing him. I don't do well without quality time and hugs.

Our sporadic texts are mainly updates, but they are more fun and joking on days when he is less busy. So I could't say that they are much of an indication of anything. We talk mostly about school, complaining about work and stuff like that... but life is mundane at best, and in that sense there is not much to say. I would most definitely take up your suggestion of talking about current affairs and interesting bits of news, I think that would help very much.

As to whether I would still date the person he is today, I don't really have an answer for you. He is still everything I could have ever asked for, albeit being busier than I would have liked. And I do understand that he way he is acting and the way he prioritises his life, isn't uncommon for someone in his position. It's just been a struggle from logically understanding where he is coming from, and emotionally being able to accept it.

...

I gave him a call and suggested that we have phone conversations instead of just texting, I don't think just texting has been good for us. And while it will still be difficult because he still insists on maintaining his busy schedule, I think it will tide us over for the next few months. I came very close to breaking it off with him during the call, but it's not a decision I think I should be making without giving ourselves to get to know each other again without the 6700 miles distance, at least when the end is in sight.

Thank you very much for all the advice and support, it really means a lot that someone I don't know took the time to listen to my problems. I half expected this entire thread to be ignored. I am very grateful.

[Hollandia]

I don't know if I'm over reacting, because I'm missing him. I don't do well without quality time and hugs.

Our sporadic texts are mainly updates, but they are more fun and joking on days when he is less busy. So I could't say that they are much of an indication of anything. We talk mostly about school, complaining about work and stuff like that... but life is mundane at best, and in that sense there is not much to say. I would most definitely take up your suggestion of talking about current affairs and interesting bits of news, I think that would help very much.

As to whether I would still date the person he is today, I don't really have an answer for you. He is still everything I could have ever asked for, albeit being busier than I would have liked. And I do understand that he way he is acting and the way he prioritises his life, isn't uncommon for someone in his position. It's just been a struggle from logically understanding where he is coming from, and emotionally being able to accept it.

...

I gave him a call and suggested that we have phone conversations instead of just texting, I don't think just texting has been good for us. And while it will still be difficult because he still insists on maintaining his busy schedule, I think it will tide us over for the next few months. I came very close to breaking it off with him during the call, but it's not a decision I think I should be making without giving ourselves to get to know each other again without the 6700 miles distance, at least when the end is in sight.

Thank you very much for all the advice and support, it really means a lot that someone I don't know took the time to listen to my problems. I half expected this entire thread to be ignored. I am very grateful.

You are totally welcome. I think that sometimes some fresh eyes help us to see the situation in a different light and make the decisions to handle what tasks we need deal with. i hope it all works out well for you, please keep us updated and don't be surprised if others don't also throw in some input at some point.

[nottheprincesspeach]

Michelle recommends this book, 1000 questions for couples. I got it a few years back at that suggestion. It really does help spark conversation. Granted conversation is necessary. You have a right to be upset if you aren't getting what you need. You did the right thing in talking to him. If you need more time and are supposed to be one of the many priorities in life he needs to find the time. Of course it may need to start slow, asking for a little and seeing if that helps. You really do need think if he is still working for you. If you don't feel like you are a part of his life, it won't work. I would think if you really feel comfortable making a move like that not knowing where things are with you.

[Agathiel]

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like you both underestimate talking about some casual things. Life doesn't always consist of extremely exciting events. There are more and less exciting periods. But I think it's fine! Even sharing what you had for dinner may be good, however unimportant it sounds. I know what I'm saying, cause currently both me and my SO sit mostly at home, so we share some really "silly" things. And if you are the one who has more time to watch or read something, you can share the plot of movie or a book with your bf, etc.
The most important thing is to keep having conversations that make you remain close to each other. And I think that sharing even most boring details from your lives can fulfill this role if you stop feeling bad about the fact that currently nothing extremely interesting happens.