On Being Clingy...

[LDeacR]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over 5 months, only 2 of which were ever spent in the same place. When we first went long-distance, it was extremely difficult for both of us. Our method of coping with it was to be extremely affectionate and loving via text. We would literally text each other nonstop from the moment we woke up until the moment we went to sleep, with an exception of the time we spent skyping each other (every night). Often, and usually later at night, we would send each other very long texts about how in love we were, about how we wanted to be together forever, things that sound crazy but seemed very appropriate because of how much we really did love each other. We were visiting each other every 3 weeks (even though we are 10 hours apart) because we both felt like we simply couldn't bear to go any longer than that. The last time I've seen him was over my spring break, more than a month ago now.

Since spring break, things in our relationship have been very, very different. He has been extremely busy with school work (he is graduating in just a few months) and has had very little time to talk to me. We have hardly texted at all, he rarely has time to skype, and when we do text or skype, I am always the one to initiate it and he is always the one to cut it off (usually quite quickly). The past two weekends in a row, he has said that "maybe" he would be able to come up and visit me, but has cancelled both times because he is simply too busy. He won't even let me visit him because he says he won't be able to devote any time to me.

This is the first "real" relationship I've ever had. However, I have a history of men treating me very poorly, so my first instinct is always to doubt. When he first told me that he loved me, I found it very hard to believe that this could be true. However, through his constant admiration, I finally started to really believe that someone could love me and maybe even want to spend the rest of his life with me. Now that he has gotten somewhat distant, I constantly worry that it is not due to his busy schedule, but because he is falling out of love with me. With this in the back of my mind, I can't help but get extremely clingy with him. I will sometimes send him 3 or 4 texts in a row because he won't answer me for hours. The more distant he gets, the more I worry that our relationship is ending, and the more I try to cling onto it. This only ends up annoying him and making me look crazy and too needy. I feel myself being needy and clingy and I even annoy myself sometimes, but I really don't know how to make it stop. He is my best friend. When I'm upset, or when I'm missing him, he is the person I talk to about it. Every time I get upset about his busy schedule and him acting distant, I feel like I need to talk to him about it, which seems to annoy him.

I really don't know what to do. Any tips about how to be less clingy, or more confident in his love and in our relationship, would be greatly appreciated. I have no experience with relationships (long distance or not) before this one, so I am really confused about how I should be handling this. Sorry for the long post and thank you for any help that anyone can give me.

[PureHeart]

Well one thing I know for sure, is that you definitely need to get some things you REALLY enjoy. Things that you can get lost in. Whether it be running, hiking, watching movies(wanna try to steer away from those too often though), painting, etc. This allows you to develop a more independent mindset, which is critical for all relationships, not just LDR's. Your not going to want to, but don't be so available. Stop initiating skype and everything so much, BUT don't just sit home by the phone and wait then. Once you back off a bit, go do something with that time! There are days I would purpose forget my phone, or forget my charger, not charge it, etc. Sometimes you really do need a break. Most important thing to remember, is your not going to want to do anything I just said, but it is essential. Men in general are hunters, and if you think about it like that, they love the thrill of the chase. No one says you have to be rude or unavailable, but just be a little bit elusive, in a good way! And especially if he's busy, it's important for you to be too! Sooner or later, you'll figure it out how to schedule your time so your both busy and not busy on the same schedule, more or less. I know what it's like though! not easy! Hang in there!

[squeeker]

It sounds like maybe he is just really busy.. and maybe he needs a few days to catch up on all his work a bit better and then be able to talk to you. Maybe you should talk about setting aside a certain day to talk next, instead of waiting around.. or ask if he is too busy and then try and do something you enjoy.. depending what kind of person you are.. maybe you could make a fun recipe, or go for a walk, or watch a movie or draw a picture or read a book or phone up some friends who you haven't seen in awhile, or maybe a family member or just go out by yourself and take pictures of nature.. something to do while he is busy.

You said he is graduating soon.. it makes sense he will be more stressed and busier because of all the projects he needs to get done, and likely he wants to get them done well, and maybe he procrastinated before when he was talking to you. Or maybe when you are on skype you can tell him he can work while you are on skype and just do your own things on the computer. My SO and I do that a lot, and it does lead to procrastination, but it's comforting knowing he is there. I too would be nervous if we barely got to talk for days at a time. But then you just have to find things you can do when he is busy.. find a new hobby.. do research on something that interests you... you could even work on a gift for him if you wanted to do something that involved him when he is busy... think about a future care package or what you want to do the next time you are together...

Try and relax.. I'm sure this busy patch will pass soon enough.. but try to resist texting too much.. and if you do have a short video call, try to spin it around and think of how lucky you are to see him even if just for a few minutes, rather than nothing at all. Good luck, I'm sure you will make it through this.

[RachelAnne]

I really don't think his availability has anything to do with him loving you any less--it sounds to me like he is simply just busier than usual, which is okay. He needs time to get this things done, and I'm sure he's focusing more on his work since his graduation is right around the corner. As the others have said, find things for yourself to do while he isn't around to talk. It will keep your mind off of it, and then when the two of you DO get around to talking, you'll both have more things to share with each other. I know when my SO is busy, he tends to shut people out for a while in order to get his work done. I've had to learn this doesn't mean he cares about me less, he just has other obligations. Try to give him the space he needs and tell him you'd like to set aside some time every so often to talk I'm sure he'll understand.

[piratemama]

Welcome to the forum.

Some of what you said rang true for me. I've had to fight the urge to cling. I never was clingy before. I don't know if I tend to be that way now because it's an LDR, or because I'm so in love with this guy and don't want to lose him. Either way, I recognize and fight the clingy side of me.

You could talk with your SO about your feelings and explain how the fewer texts make you feel. Make sure to use "I feel" rather than "you did" which can put someone on the offensive to start with. You could ask if he was having issues with you, but be prepared for whatever he might say. Don't ask, if you aren't ready to hear an honest answer. It could be a simple explanation, but I could see how this change raised red flags for you.

Whatever you do, stop texting him so much. Let him text you first for a while. Yes, he might not text for some time. That's okay. He may need space to miss you and realize what he's got in you. If you do text, do it less frequently and be mysterious a bit. Tell him you are going to be busy for a while and won't be texting. Let him wonder what you are doing. And, for heaven's sake, do get busy. Your life can't revolve around him.

Whenever I start to feel clingy to my SO and get the drive to contact him continuously, I get busy doing something. Sometimes I'll go out with friends, or I might just go work in the yard. Cleaning cabinets is better than sitting and waiting to hear from him. Let him know you have a life and hobbies; it will make you more interesting to him.

[LDeacR]

Welcome to the forum.

Some of what you said rang true for me. I've had to fight the urge to cling. I never was clingy before. I don't know if I tend to be that way now because it's an LDR, or because I'm so in love with this guy and don't want to lose him. Either way, I recognize and fight the clingy side of me.

You could talk with your SO about your feelings and explain how the fewer texts make you feel. Make sure to use "I feel" rather than "you did" which can put someone on the offensive to start with. You could ask if he was having issues with you, but be prepared for whatever he might say. Don't ask, if you aren't ready to hear an honest answer. It could be a simple explanation, but I could see how this change raised red flags for you.

Whatever you do, stop texting him so much. Let him text you first for a while. Yes, he might not text for some time. That's okay. He may need space to miss you and realize what he's got in you. If you do text, do it less frequently and be mysterious a bit. Tell him you are going to be busy for a while and won't be texting. Let him wonder what you are doing. And, for heaven's sake, do get busy. Your life can't revolve around him.

Whenever I start to feel clingy to my SO and get the drive to contact him continuously, I get busy doing something. Sometimes I'll go out with friends, or I might just go work in the yard. Cleaning cabinets is better than sitting and waiting to hear from him. Let him know you have a life and hobbies; it will make you more interesting to him.

Thank you so much for your reply to this; it has helped me tremendously. I guess I have a hard time telling him I'll just be "busy" or trying to act mysterious, because that gets a little too close to the territory of "playing games." Playing games is my biggest pet peeve in relationships so I definitely want to avoid doing that with him. But I guess to a degree, these things have to be done to keep him interested. I have worked really hard today not to text him and to leave the conversation up to him. Even though that meant only exchanging a few words all day, I feel more secure and more relieved already. I would rather talk less and be less controlling over our relationship and our conversations.

Thanks to everyone who responded; all of your comments were tremendously helpful. Any more suggestions from anyone would be appreciated! I have a feeling I'll need all the help I can get on this topic

[piratemama]

Thank you so much for your reply to this; it has helped me tremendously. I guess I have a hard time telling him I'll just be "busy" or trying to act mysterious, because that gets a little too close to the territory of "playing games." Playing games is my biggest pet peeve in relationships so I definitely want to avoid doing that with him. But I guess to a degree, these things have to be done to keep him interested. I have worked really hard today not to text him and to leave the conversation up to him. Even though that meant only exchanging a few words all day, I feel more secure and more relieved already. I would rather talk less and be less controlling over our relationship and our conversations.

Thanks to everyone who responded; all of your comments were tremendously helpful. Any more suggestions from anyone would be appreciated! I have a feeling I'll need all the help I can get on this topic

I'm glad you are feeling more secure and relieved. I believe that comes from you having a sense of more control. It's always frustrating and frightening to have a loss of control, and that's what happens when you depend on the other person too much. In giving up control over your conversations, you've taken back control of your feelings and emotions. I hope this helps your SO see the need to step up and do more. Good luck.

[nerdgasm42]

Hey there

Your post hits so close to home, because I'm in both of those positions myself! I find that I'm sometimes clingy, and have to tell myself to step back from the situation. I am going into my last year of school and although I slack off on homework WAY more than I should, I find that I am busy with it a lot. (Especially at the end of a semester, like right now...yikes!) And my SO is in the AF, so he goes through periods where he is super busy too. The hardest thing is not being able to talk to them - you constantly wonder what they're doing (not in a creepy stalker way, but just because they're on your mind) and how their day is going. I'm lucky that my SO usually has down time in the evenings, so sometimes I sit there doing homework on Skype while he plays a video game or something. Sure, we're not talking much, but I can look at my monitor and see him, and know he's there. It's comforting.

It sounds like you and your SO have a very strong relationship, and I'm sure not being able to spend so much time with you is hard on your SO as well! Try to keep your chin up and be supportive, as it sounds like you are I know it's hard - but keep your eye on the future. When he graduates, that will give him the power to help provide an even better future for you both.

And if you ever need a little pick-me-up, this site is definitely a good place to find one Best of luck to you both!

[pymuto]

Wow this did really hit very close to home! I'm experiencing the same thing at the moment. My SO has barely spoken to me in a week and it makes me want to text him even more. I am really forcing myself not to, and to let him initiate the communication, but I am having loads of trouble doing that. I'm scared of being too clingy and not giving him enough space, but this week especially if I don't start a conversation he doesn't say anything to me all day. =( yesterday I waited till 7pm to ask him how he was...and today I just said hi in the morning, to which he answered hi, and that's that! I know I have to be patient, I'm seeing him in 2 weeks!!!! But I feel really depressed and don't know what to do..

[nemolove_22]

I know this is super late but I know that this will be my SO and I this coming school year as I too will be graduating in a year and my life is going to be insane, as will his - it's just a matter of balancing things and understanding that there are things that do stress one out, and that he (or she) will focus on that will distract them from responding as much as they used to. This isn't how my SO and I currently are as I'm on Summer holidays, so I am not having to deal with too much extra work, but as soon as school starts back up again for me in a few months, this will be us exactly.

I do hope that everything has worked out for you dear!!