Confusion About Future

[RachelAnne]

Hm..I wasn't sure where to post this thread, but I guess this is a suitable place.

So, my boyfriend is visiting on Saturday, and we got into a pretty deep discussion tonight that's left me feeling kind of confused I guess? It doesn't help that he ended the conversation rather abruptly, leaving me feeling like (???) Anyway, the conversation started with me asking him why he rarely talks about a future together. I know none of us can predict the future, but I guess I was curious as to why he's never mentioned closing the distance, or has even talked about what he HOPES to happen between us one day. I wasn't looking for any serious plans (obviously) but I guess I was hoping to hear a "well, this is what I WISH to happen..."

He responded with "I have hopes, no constructive plans. I have no thoughts about it because i'm entirely uncertain about it."

I said, "are you uncertain about us?" (we've officially been together for three years, but have had feelings for one another longer than that)

he answers with, "I'm uncertain about us...the moment I'm NOT uncertain anymore is the day I propose to you. that's the way it works." Then he goes on to ask me, "if I were to ask you to marry me right now, would you say yes?"

I said that obviously I'm not in the position in my life right now to settle down and get married, but I said that yes, one day I am hoping to marry him (obviously) and I went on to say that we still have to finish school (he'll be graduating in a year, and I still have years of nursing school ahead of me), but I said that I do see a future with him and that I'm hoping it'll work out one day.

He goes on to explain how serious commitment is to him and that he can't know for sure he's ready to marry someone until he knows 100% that he's ready to devote his life to another person. "I am not willing to marry you right now, but I don't know what the future holds."

I know we're both young, I'm only 20 and he's 21, and I know we still have a lot of years ahead of us and a lot can change in that time, but am I crazy to hope that one day we'll end up together..? I guess I'm just confused by his responses, I think it's perfectly normal to envision a future with your significant other, but it kind of leaves me feeling like he's never had thoughts about marrying me one day or closing the distance. No, nobody can predict the future and I know this is the prime time in our lives for a lot of changes, but am I crazy to have a lot of hope for us?

How do I bring this up with him again, and how should I react? Should I let it blow over, or should I attempt at another shot at this conversation?

[jana89]

I think it is perfectly normal to see a future with your SO, more so in LDR and even more so after three years. Yes, you are young, but you also seem to be mature enough not to rush into anything. I kind of understand your SO, but I feel like his way of saying such stuff was quite impolite and very insensitive. I would want to know why does he feel uncertain about us and what could we work on to make him feel better in the relationship. You could just say something like: "So the last time we talked about us and you mentioned not being sure that we can work in future ... so I wondered what exactly are you seeing as a problem and I hope we could talk about it." Donīt blame him for not being sure, after all, it really is a big thing to commit your life to another person.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I see Jana's point, but I'm gonna go the other way and say don't bring it up again.

I know it's unsettling when a partner isn't necessarily 100% sure that you're the person they're going to marry, but asking why not, or how to make them sure, etc. is likely just going to stress him out. And he's right, the future is very uncertain, especially at this point in your lives when there's still schooling, jobs to find, etc. As long as he's treating you well and you're enjoying your time together, try not to stress too much about him not talking closing the distance, etc.

When I was in my early 20s, I was always a person who had trouble with 'forever' stuff. I could be really into a guy, and still think, everything's great right now, and I can see this making me happy for the foreseeable future, but I don't know what else is going to change and if it will still make me happy. (This applied to career, too, not just guys.) So I didn't like having to "know" and I wanted to just take things as they came while I became more certain about stuff.

Some people say they know pretty quickly when they start dating the person they want to marry, others say it took longer and sometimes there's something that eventually just clicks and they realize it and are sure. It sounds like your SO is the latter, which unfortunately means that maybe you'll need to see if you can be breezy/resilient about not knowing.

But, on the upside, it also means you're probably not going to have to deal with feeling like you were misled or the rug is pulled out from under you or something, because it sounds like if your SO says something about the future, he wants to mean it. It's not gonna be something he says and then can't deliver. So that's maybe a more positive way to look at it?

Good luck.

[Zephii]

I think he gave a good honest answer. From this conversation you know that he's put some thought into it and he takes it very seriously. But it's ok if he doesn't really know what he wants or where he is going, or if he's just not really ready to talk about it. He's only 21. At 21 my SO wouldn't speak of marriage either, and didn't feel ready to live with me never mind getting married.

But, if you feel confused, then yes, open the conversation up again. Ask him to be specific about what he is unsure of and maybe to set some goals with you. You've been together for three years, I think that's more than long enough for some tentative plans at least. Leave the marriage stuff alone for a while though. I don't know what young women's obsession with marriage is really, but it's not the magical wonderland of romantic joy that Disney would have you believe it is.

But yes, over all, he's honest with you and that's what's important. When he does start saying it (like Silver mentioned) he'll mean it.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

As my SO tells me when I get impatient to know future plans... Stay in the Now with me, enjoy what we have now, and don't worry about the future. Whatever happens, happens.

Nobody can really know the future. And you can drive yourself crazy if you expect more than he can say, or give. You just have to trust him and the love he gives you now. As long as he is honest with you, and treats you well, and you trust each other, then don't worry. Just enjoy what you have now.

It's a lesson I've had to learn the hard way. Pushing and pressuring him doesn't work. Staying in the NOW with him does.

[Hollandia]

I am going to agree with accept his answer and leave it be for now. If you are having these same thoughts running through your head in a year, bring it up again. There does come a point when a relationship either moves forward or dies, but I don't think you are at that point. If you get to the point you ever think you are, then ask and be prepared to hear something you might not want to hear. In general there is a natural progression that happens after a certain amount of time. His saying he would be proposing to you when not uncertain is brutally honest and hard to hear but he most likely means it. I would see that if you hit the 5 year mark and he is not there, then he never will be.

For me, I don't care what age, I would never wait more than 5 years. I also would not tell him that, that would be pressure. Just see how it goes and time will tell and for now just be happy for where you are together, like Aussie said, now.

[Noodle]

Yes, given two major factors about your loved one: (1) He's a male and (2) He's still rather young, I would say his answer was understandable. I would guess what's on his mind right now is his last year of school. I know when I was in my last year of college, that was all I was concentrated on.

As females, we tend to overthink and often daydream about the future (weddings, moving in together, children, etc). But, even though he hasn't expressed it with you, he's in it for the long run. Nobody does three years into a relationship, plus having it be long distance, without being committed and seeing a future with that person.

I wouldn't bring it up again. Even though we girls love hearing reassurance, you definitely need to take the 'actions speak louder than words' advice to heart.

[Unconditional]

You're not crazy to have hope in your relationship. If you don't have hope, then there shouldn't be a relationship.
However, I kind of like his answer it wasn't the "I'm ready to marry you right now!" Kind of answer, butvit was honest and it shows that he takes his commitment very seriously. That would be enough to give me hope.
I don't think it would make you happy in any way to bring this back up with him, as you both already know each other's thoughts on the subject. As AussieAmericanGirl stated: live in the now, be happy with what is happening now. Don't look too far into the future as it will only make you anxious.

[kittyo9]

I wouldn't read too much into it. I think he has thought about it and that's why he's giving you the answers he gave. It doesn't mean that he DOESN'T see a future with you, it just means that he is focused on what he's doing right now and wants to move past this stage in his life before he's ready to look at the next. We all have different ways of approaching our future. I am a planner and like to think about everything way ahead of time, but my SO is more like yours and takes things one stage at a time. I think your SO was a little blunt, but honest, and I wouldn't be worried about it.

[merlinkitty]

I agree with Kitty, I wouldn't read too much into it. It sounds like he takes the idea of marriage very seriously, and you can take comfort in that. I hated people saying this to me when I was 20/21, but I am going to say it to you because I am not the same person at 21 compared to who I've grown into being. It's really hard to make serious plans about marriage and construct a life together at that age when you're still trying to figure out who you are in the world. What his response suggests to me is that he realizes this, is allowing you both room to grow, and is still enjoying his time with you. I would suggest you do the same for now. Just enjoy the moment and see where it leads.

[RachelAnne]

Thank you all for the responses, I guess I was just overreacting I know we are both young and I agree with him that the future is up the air, but we've talked a little more since then and he just reiterated the point that he takes commitment very seriously and that he wouldn't be in this relationship with me if he didn't see it working out one day. I feel better now, and I need to stop looking at wedding boards on Pinterest.

I know he loves me and that he's serious about our relationship, I guess I was having a melt down moment about the future! Thanks to all who responded, I really appreciate it

[merlinkitty]

I need to stop looking at wedding boards on Pinterest.

Oh gosh hahaha I've come to loath those kinds of things I'm glad you're feeling better

[whatruckus]

Your SO sounds similar to mine. Ha. From the beginning, I knew he was right for me. It took him a lot longer to see it though. He even went through a period of "doubts" last year, that we now call "the funk" and our "rough patch". He was unsure about his future with me, though he knew he loved me a lot and knew that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. It took him a few months to get out of it, but luckily he decided to stay with me and now we're stronger than ever.

We don't talk too much about our future, and I don't bring it up. I just mention it to him in my emails and that's about it. We both know we definitely want to close the distance when we can, but even though we've talked about growing old and having kids together all the time, we've never really talked about marriage. We've talked about it less than a handful of times.

I agree with everyone else though. He's young. He probably doesn't want to worry about getting married yet until he has everything squared away. Obviously, he sees a future with you and probably does want to marry you some day, but he doesn't want to discuss it until you are both ready. Take comfort in that. Be happy that you guys are together right now and things are awesome.

My boyfriend says the same thing to me too: he wouldn't be with me if he didn't see a future with me, and if he couldn't spend the rest of his life with me.

So, no worries. You'll get there.

[me_andthemoon]

I think that his answer was honest, and that is something to appreciate. In my opinion, it is much better to know what to expect rather than just assuming that the other person feels the same way as you without being sure. If you are still feeling confused, I would reopen the conversation, and explain to him what you are feeling, and try to get some answers, but also respect that he is young and simply just isn't sure. Best of luck!!

[Bobbiejeanne]

I think his answer was darn-near perfect for the places you're both at right now!
At 18, I was secretly engaged my High School sweetheart, and up until earlier this year, my SO was engaged! I might be putting a pessimistic spin on things, but when you're young, things change, you grow, and things become different!
I absolute adore and love my SO, and I love picturing him proposing to me... and looking at wedding gowns.... I think a lot of people are guilty of that. But I also understand our lives are in flux, and it's hard to pinpoint an exact moment where we could live together and start a life together.

It sounds like your SO really adores you, understands that you're both in some of the most formative years of your life. He also sounds like he's pretty committed to you. Enjoy it!!