Fighting

[kminn]

So the fighting has gotten worse....he said to give him a day to catch up on sleep and such, but dont you think esp for a LDR that a couple hours is needed away when fighting? like who wants to go to bed mad? We've been doing this alot lately and it just seems to me that i'm the only one that wants to really stop this and really believe in what we have. He has apparently been stressing over work for about a day or so and with that being said he has pushed me away which includes all communication...which is basically what a whole LDR is: Communication. He has this mindset that everything is really simple and fights can be prevented if I hadn't made a big deal about it or if i wasns't so emotional. This in itself just makes me feel like i'm stupid or shouldn't express my feelings at all. Well fight about somethinga nd i'll express my feelings and when it's his turn he either has nothing to say or says "i dont know". At this point in time I really dont know what to do. I believe we are worth it, but I cannot put in the effort for the two of us, he has to do his part. I've tried talking to him about it but he just fights with me. From what you've just read what would you do? Would you end it? Half of me wants to end it because I do not feel valued nor wanted, but then the other half of me has hope. Stress can do alot to someone, but there is no excuse is pushing someone away completely. Apparently we are going to talk today, but I dont even know what to say without sounding stupid. Any suggestions?

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I'd like to make it clear I am in no way taking sides.

However, I suffer from multiple anxiety disorders. And when stressed out I want to express my feelings and insecurities, much like you do from the sounds of it. However there are a lot of people who when stressed, try to resolve issues themselves, which means they shut everyone else out. Its natural and perfectly ok. and it sounds like that's all that your boyfriend is doing. It doesn't mean he doesn't want or care about you.

I have the same insecurities all the time, and my boyfriend is pretty good at easing them. But it has taken time to get to that point where he is aware of how to. Maybe your boyfriend simply doesn't know what to say to help you to feel better. That's natural. A lot of relationships have that problem throughout the entire relationship.

My suggestion is to calmly express your feelings on the subject. And I also suggest when there is a problem, talk about it calmly and express exactly what the issue is. Don't beat around the bush. Because if the issue is small and you make it seem huge, it could make it seem Ike you are over reacting. I am famous for over reacting about small things, and I realize it later on when I calm down. But what I have started doing is expressing my insecurities and my feelings as soon as they surface so that it doesn't boil and start to seem more important and bad than it really is.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I have a bit more of a pessimistic view than LATA, because I think him saying that things could be prevented if you just weren't so emotional/made a big deal about them is a bad sign. I think it's rude and dismissive, and doesn't even attempt to take your feelings into account.

However, you don't mention what you're upset *about* and there is still a possibility that you're being unrealistic about something or blowing something out of proportion. (Even still, I prefer the kind of caring partner who will talk through things or let me talk through things and help me see that maybe I was overreacting, instead of telling me I'm overreacting and to calm down or blaming the arguments on me, or whatever.)

Not feeling valued or wanted is going to continue if he expects you to adapt your style and dampen your emotions, especially if he's not meeting you halfway in resolving your argument styles. People often have different ways of arguing, of expressing needs, etc. and it's a question of finding out if yours are compatible. It kinda sounds like they aren't by default, which might still be workable if you were both committed to compromising and working it out, but it doesn't sound like he is.

Hope it doesn't sound harsh, but my suggestion would be to try one more serious discussion, asking him if you guys can get through it calmly, not taking things as attacks, and make sure he knows how seriously you feel about this issue. How you don't feel valued and like you can't express opinions/emotions because he gets upset. And see if there's a compromise that can be made, otherwise break up.

Good luck.

[rhabdoviridae]

Agreeing with everything Silvermoonfairy has said.

It's important to realize that everyone deals with conflict differently. You may want to hash it out before you go to bed, but he made need the down time to clear his head and collect his thoughts. On the other hand, you're right: communication is essential to a good LDR. If he shifts all of the blame to you by calling you overly emotional, that's not fair. You may be overreacting about something - we can't give you advice on that without knowing what the fights center around - but there are better ways to address that than dismissing you as overly emotional. Similarly, if you're trying to solve a problem, he needs to invest some time in the solution; shutting down and saying, "I don't know" or "whatever" isn't going to help things.

If you're fighting all of the time, though, it becomes exhausting trying to solve the problems and just makes communication worse. I personally always assess these situations by weighing whether the good outweighs the bad. I don't think that a good relationship should cause more misery than happiness (and frankly, I think the proportion should be far less than a 50/50 split, but that's just me). When the bad overwhelms the good, what's the point of keeping a death grip on the relationship?

[differentcountries]

My boyfriend is actually a bit like that. He easily thinks everything should be harmonic and issues would solve themselves if I did not bring them up and throw all my emotions ino it. The thing is; he is wrong. Whenever I bring something up, it is important to ME (and more than often actually important to him to, he just don't want to confront on the issue). Therefore it is imporant in our relationship, because there can be no harmony with unsolved issues simmering just below the surface. The thing is too; he is right. I do need to look at the way I communicate things with him. I can get accusative and even sink to namecalling - but I accept when he calls me on it. There is something third happening; me being dramatic - these days I am quite mild, actually most of it just consists of me stating the problem and than bawling my eyes out - changes something in our relationship. It seems like my sense of drama sort of shakes him up and brings him closer to be - because I am HONEST about what matters.

If the stuff you argue about doesn't matter, let it go. In my past relationships, I used to fight over triflets. Make sure whatever you fight about is important enough to create drama around it. If you are really fighting about the relationship, say so. Don't use the surface matter as an excuse to stirr things up. But don't let the big stuff lie resting either. Try the best you can to be resolved before you talk, that way you can say things better and it is easier to listen to your message when you are less upset (you can still be upset inside).

I must admit I used to call my ex emotional. A lot. Hindsight, I should not have done that. I think it was trying clumsily to figure out what was going on. I think we were very different and not very good at meeting half way, or even communicating what we individually wanted. I think I did not made her feel seen, I did not know how to and it was easy to blame the frustration on something being wrong with her. At the same time, I DO think there was something wrong with her, her self esteem at times was very low, which of course made her even more dramatic. I have no solutions, really, just try to see each other and respect each other as long as you are together.