Struggling with new found distance

[sandk]

Hi, I just finished my second year in college 350 miles away from my hometown. I met my girlfriend in highschool and we have been together for almost 5 years. We decided it would be a good idea for her to move down with me for the third year. However, her lease has already began and she has been there for a month while I am still stuck at home (I will be returning to school at the end of September, and we will close the distance). When I was at school the distance wasn't so hard for me because I was always distracted with something to do; she is also a very understanding and trusting person so she did not express to me if she was having many issues. Now that she has moved, the roles are switched and I am the one bored at home while she has the time of her life. A full month has passed and her fall semester hasn't started yet, she is also not working so she has no responsibilities and she just has fun all day and night long. I know that I am happy she is having fun but in the last two weeks I have been trying to convince her to be more productive (look for a job, build a resume, go to sleep before 3am on a Tuesday). Eventually, my efforts became more aggressive and I would blow up on her out of nowhere. She found comfort in talking to a guy who lives next door to her and they even slept in the same bed 3 times. They did not kiss or anything she just wanted the comfort. Now that everything is on the table, I can't control myself even more and it just pushes her away. I want to show her that I can control my jealousy so I can keep her in my life. I know this is the issue because we have NEVER had any problems when we are together in person. Last night all I wanted to do was talk to her (which would have probably been me being mean to her) and she talked to me for awhile then her roommates came home and brought the party with them. I tried to let it go and go to sleep but I couldn't, I needed to talk to her. So I called her and she stepped outside, after listening to me trying to express how hurt I am she just gets irritated (she likes to run away from her problems) and it pushes her away. She decided that it was time for us to take a break; I wasn't ready for that. I pulled out my last card and told her that I spent the day gathering flowers from a local University, laminated them and already sent them to her in the mail with a love letter. This made her cry hard, she was finally expressing how she felt about the situation. She says she doesn't want to give up and that she loves me with all her heart (I believe her). Things calmed down last night and we finally went to bed; we are still together and we made it another day. I am trying to give her some space because I know that's what she wants right now, but it drives me crazy. I am just looking for some support and advice for how to deal with my jealousy. I know she regrets sleeping with the guy (I know she didn't have sex or even kiss him just take my word) and I know she wants to make this work. I can just be brutally nasty when I get into the jealousy mindset and I'm trying really hard to change. I love this girl with all my heart and I want to live the rest of my life with her. Please don't reply to tell me that she is probably still sleeping with him or that she probably at least kissed him, because I trust her that she didn't. I'm just looking for a little advice to cope with my emotional rollercoaster that is throwing my girlfriend out of the ride. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[differentcountries]

She is probably 19 too ; she deserves a bif of fun before school starts. In fact, why are you not out on the life? 19 is the only time in life where drinking and staying up late is actually fun in itself - later on is a different story. Try to look at yourself - why are you reacting like you are her mother, tellin her what to do? What are you trying to aceive? are you for instance afraid that she will not afford to come visiting you unless she gets a job, and you think soon all the best jobs will be taken? Or is it more that you are upset that she is having all the fun you wish you yourself could have?

It sounds like you are quite confrontational while she doesn't like to talk about problems which can easily lead to misunderstanding over the distance. Is it possable for you to make some kind of deal so you won't attack and she won't run?

I am not very jealous but I sometimes have problems with agression which sound a bit similar to your jealous outbursts. I really had to take a grip because SO is extremely sensitive to agressive outbursts, my one time with this did not go well at all. What I did tell him was, ok, I promise to deal with my anger but you also have to learn how to deal with you not wanting to face problems. It is only fair that he should work on his personality, too (nobody is perfect). So really, we are learning from each other; I am learning how to be more mellow and go with the flow, he is learning how to do self-search and how to assert himself more. One the methods I use when I am angry is to filter what I want to say through NVC (giraffe) speak - that gets the meening across without accusing him or blaming him for our problems https://www.creationcoach.com/pdfs/nvchandout.pdf

Also, have you perhaps seen this? https://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles...relationships/

[RachelAnne]

I've had problems with jealousy and trust issues a lot in my life, and I'm finally taking the steps to cure my horrible anxieties. You just have to realize that she has a life outside of you, and that's a good thing. As long as she is making an effort with you to keep the relationship going, I would try and give her her space to do her own thing. I know how hard it is to control those jealous feelings, it's just something you need to learn to cope with. I, however, don't think I could ever forgive my SO for sleeping in the same bed as another girl, even if he claimed nothing happened. That's just crossing the line with me, but I suppose people have their different levels of what's okay and what is not. If you feel like because of this you can't trust her ever again, then maybe it's time to think about things. But if you've decided you want to try and keep a relationship with this girl, then I think the two of you need to have a serious, productive talk about what you can do and how you can work together.

I know it's hard, if you ever need to vent, please PM me and i'll be happy to talk Best of luck

[sandk]

Thank you both for taking the time to respond!

Thank you differentcountries for the opinions and resources. I read through the entire web article (second resource), I am not nearly as controlling as the person in the article but there are still some very valuable tips. I definitely let my imagination run wild which causes me to jump to conclusions. I plan on reading the pdf on NVC tonight.

I guess I have been trying to encourage her to get a job at the airport because she has always planned on being a flight attendant. Throughout high school she has always said she is going to apply when she is 20 (that's the youngest age to apply), but she misplanned her 2 year community college program and now she has to do a third year to get her certificate. She isn't studying anything very specific that would lead into industry so flight attendant seems to be the only career she is interested in. Learning that she was not going to be able to apply when she was 20 was a little disappointing to me. As I'm writing this I realize that one year late is not really worth stressing over. I just want her to try to begin working towards her career because we are 2 years out of highschool and her current schooling won't put her in a position to get on any specific career path. I realize that I have high expectations, but it's because I know what she is capable of and she doesn't seem to be trying to achieve it. This relates to my childhood because I was raised to do the best in school that I possibly could no matter what the cost (I'm currently at UCSB studying Electrical Engineering). Writing this out is actually making me realize how ridiculous it is to expect her to start her career now instead of in one year. Is that ridiculous to expect?

We have both agreed that we need to work on our personalities. I hope that my efforts will show her that I really do care and I know I'm not perfect. I hope it will make her self motivated to work on some personality traits as well. One of the things that I tried explaining to her (that I use in my own life) is that nobody is perfect, but everybody can work on being a better person. I accept that I need work and I try to work on it. I fear that she doesn't share that same motivation.

You mentioned that you have been trying to work on your similar outbursts. I understand that the NVC can be a powerful tool for getting your point across without being rude or aggressive, but have you found any specific techniques that can get you out of that mindset to begin with? When I start getting crazy I can feel it coming on, it doesn't usually happen very often but in the last week it has been way too frequent and spontaneous. Does this 'before crazy' feeling happen to you too? Have you found any methods of avoiding it when you feel it coming on? Thanks for your time!

RachelAnne, I PMed you, thank you so much for offering your ear so I can just vent.