College transition is stressing me out

[tinkerbell]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six months now. We were already kind of in a long distance relationship since we first started dating since we lived like two hours away from each other. It worked out fine though because we got to see other on weekends and talked to each other everyday in between time. Well this past weekend he moved 12 hours away from me to go to his dream college for his engineering degree. I am also going to college but its only at my local community college. I started classes last week and I am pretty stressed out already. My workload is overwhelming and I am also working a high-stress job to boot. I don't have much extra time to do anything else but either go to school, study, and work. My boyfriend just moved into his dorm this weekend and most of the time he texts me about how much fun he is having and all these new friends he's making. It's really making me sad and jealous which is making me feel worse because I should be happy for him. I've made comments about how stressed out I am and wish I could have some fun and all he says to me is that I should go make some new friends and have fun. The problem with that is I don't have any time to DO any of that stuff not to mention the people at my college are either stuck up or keep to themselves or are like way older than me.

He starts classes tomorrow and I'm sure between that and "hanging out" with his buddies is going to take up 99% of his time. He is very anti-drinking and drugs so I know he isn't going out to party and get drunk. I just feel like I've gone from being his #1 in his life to #3 in a day. And it really hurts me. My life isn't all candy and roses like his right now and now I can't talk to him as much or how I'd like to anymore. When he talks like that it makes me jealous and makes me miss him more. I know he misses me but he's so caught up with having fun and getting ready for college I feel like he isn't missing me as much as I miss him. Last night we Skyped for a bit but he cut it short cause he had promised one of his dorm mates he would hang out with them for a bit that night. So that made me really agitated too. I really love him and don't want to lose him so I want to make this relationship work. I know he feels the same and says that "we can make it work" and I think we can it's just really hard for me right now. I do trust him, but I can't help but still feel jealous. I just feel we aren't as intimate as we used to be since he's so busy. And I miss him so much already. We will see each other on his breaks but its a bit of a drag right now. He always says he wants me and loves me and wants to stay together no matter what so I don't think he would go out and cheat on me even though that worry does kind of linger in my head sometimes. Anyway I'm just wondering if anybody else has been in my position and if there's any reassuring words or advice they can give me. I'd really appreciate it thanks!

[digitalfever]

You only just started classes of course you are stressed but you'll get used to it and the stress will become nothing more than "the way of things." I think you should give yourself some credit here. You are doing great. Take a deep breath and remember there are literally thousands upon thousands of people in your position somehow. There are tons of resources online for finding forums including Reddit and College Confidential. Give yourself some time and you will make friends. It takes a little while longer in College but ti will happen.

[Redheart14]

Give him a bit of time. Everything is still new and exciting to him having just moved into the dorm. I was like that too to start then all the classes started and the assignments and the pre college glam wore off. All the people who were single in my dorm started dating guys from other dorms after a while and I was single so I just threw myself into my studies. It'll get easier is what I'm trying to say. But jealousy is a hard thing. It obviously isn't showing to him which is good. Keep the Skype dates up and maybe even send in a care package or something. In the mean time I'm sure there's plenty of people on here who can relate to you that you could talk to. Try to let the jealousy roll off your back. You two are still together and you trust him.

[tinkerbell]

Give him a bit of time. Everything is still new and exciting to him having just moved into the dorm. I was like that too to start then all the classes started and the assignments and the pre college glam wore off. All the people who were single in my dorm started dating guys from other dorms after a while and I was single so I just threw myself into my studies. It'll get easier is what I'm trying to say. But jealousy is a hard thing. It obviously isn't showing to him which is good. Keep the Skype dates up and maybe even send in a care package or something. In the mean time I'm sure there's plenty of people on here who can relate to you that you could talk to. Try to let the jealousy roll off your back. You two are still together and you trust him.

Well, some time has passed and things have settled down a bit for him I guess. Our communication is pretty frequent so that's not really an issue. My laptop is stupid though because its internal microphone doesn't work right and the two times I skyped with him he couldn't hear me. And his dorm room doesn't have decent phone reception so he couldn't call me. So I guess the skype idea is out the door until I buy an external microphone.

I don't know I'm getting mixed vibes from him. I've noticed since he's been there he's gotten super cocky and it's kind of irritating me at times. I don't really want to point that out to him or I might seem like a b****. Maybe once he's settled down more, it will wear off, I don't know. I really really miss him, and I know he misses me but I don't feel he misses me as much. He's not really as outspoken about it as me. I'm probably just overreacting, I don't know. He really likes the school and most of his classes (except the studying part obviously). So that's probably why. I sent him a scented love letter through the mail and he seemed to really like it, he had said how sweet it was a few times. I figured that would make him be more vocal about missing me, but it didn't really help. We also haven't been as intimate like we used to be. Once in awhile we'll say like lovey dovey stuff, but it used to be a lot more. Maybe he's too focused on studies and his "fun time". I have noticed he has been referring to me as "baby" a lot more lately, so I guess that's a good sign right? I don't know, I just don't feel as connected to him as I used to right now. And it's been making me really depressed. I've voiced my depression quite a bit but I feel like a total bear to deal with when it comes about. I haven't talked to him about any of this, I don't know if I should. I'm probably just overreacting or something. I do hope this is only a temporary stage and things get better. I know he doesn't want to break up with me and I don't want to break up with him, so I don't think that's an issue. Maybe I'm just feeling sad and neglected because he's too distracted. It's only been his first week of starting school so everything is still pretty fresh, new, fun, and exciting to him I think. I just need some input.

[conejita_hada]

It sounds like the relationship is going through a bit of a shift, not in a bad way, but coming from your SO being immersed into new surroundings. College is typically a time of growth for people. I noticed going to my local college and commuting from home, the change/evolution for me happened a bit later than for my friends who went away. When they came home for visits or just talking on the phone, they seemed different. It's great that he really appreciated the love letter and is calling you baby more often. It sounds like that's his way of letting you know he cares and misses you. The care package idea sounds like it'd be a fun thing to do. He'll probably wind-down a bit with the second semester once he's found his nitch and everything isn't so new anymore.

You mentioned being busy between classes and work. I fully understand being overwhelmed between the two, it gets stressful! Are there any clubs that meet up during the time you're on your campus that would enhance your studies? It might sound daunting to add one more thing to your list of to-dos, but joining an on-campus activity like a language club or even going to the writing center for some tips of essays introduces you to a different aspect of college life. It's one I didn't experience my first two years of college because I was too busy only going to campus for classes and then going straight to work or home to study. I felt I didn't have time but once I got a bit involved on campus, I found that I was both able to do everything I needed to and be able to have fun in the college experience.

[tinkerbell]

It sounds like the relationship is going through a bit of a shift, not in a bad way, but coming from your SO being immersed into new surroundings. College is typically a time of growth for people. I noticed going to my local college and commuting from home, the change/evolution for me happened a bit later than for my friends who went away. When they came home for visits or just talking on the phone, they seemed different. It's great that he really appreciated the love letter and is calling you baby more often. It sounds like that's his way of letting you know he cares and misses you. The care package idea sounds like it'd be a fun thing to do. He'll probably wind-down a bit with the second semester once he's found his nitch and everything isn't so new anymore.

You mentioned being busy between classes and work. I fully understand being overwhelmed between the two, it gets stressful! Are there any clubs that meet up during the time you're on your campus that would enhance your studies? It might sound daunting to add one more thing to your list of to-dos, but joining an on-campus activity like a language club or even going to the writing center for some tips of essays introduces you to a different aspect of college life. It's one I didn't experience my first two years of college because I was too busy only going to campus for classes and then going straight to work or home to study. I felt I didn't have time but once I got a bit involved on campus, I found that I was both able to do everything I needed to and be able to have fun in the college experience.

Yeah things are definitely different. I talked to him over the phone for a little bit the past two days and I was almost shocked at how different his attitude was. He just seemed super cocky and not really himself. Yesterday his cockiness over the phone was REALLY bad, but when he got off he texted me and apologized for being so "cranky" because his calculus was stressing him out and his computer was being a pain for his chemistry assignments he had to do. So maybe that's how he gets now when he's moody but he never used to be like that. First time I talked to him over the phone since he's left he was a bit different too. I don't really want to just say, "Can you just stop acting like a cocky a**hole? Just because you're in a fancy far away college doesn't make you a better person." but that's what I feel like saying. I don't know everything just feels so different, and I don't like it. It makes me really sad. And what do you really put in a care package? He jokingly told me when he got the letter over the phone he wanted me to buy him my bottle of perfume I wear so he can spray it over his dorm to make everything smell like me, LOL. Maybe I should really do that, should I? And yeah, I hope after a few months things will become just a little more normal again, but it's not really a guarantee.

My community college doesn't really have any clubs except for their programs. I am a pre-nursing student and they have a nursing club but I think I have to be accepted into the nursing program before I could join the club. I think they have a Spanish and creative arts club but I think you may already have to be in those classes in order to join and I'm not in any classes like that. I would like to do something fun like that, it just doesn't seem like there are very many options like that open though. I kind of would like to go to the university but I can't afford it and all I hear from people at the school I go to is that their classes are really stupid and the teachers can't speak English well. They do have some fun sounding clubs but I obviously can't join since I'm not enrolled in their school. I would like to make some new friends but everybody at my school keeps to themselves and your only relationship with anybody is strictly in the classroom only. That's kind of the vibe that goes around.

[rhabdoviridae]

It sounds a bit as though you're projecting your insecurities onto him. I highly doubt he considers himself a better person because he's away at a "fancy college" and you're at a local community college, so don't tell yourself that those are his thoughts.

Going away to college changes people. Change is not always bad, but humans don't tend to like change and so our instinctive reaction is to see them as bad. It's a stressful time, too, and he may be having a tough time dealing with the work load and the pressure to meet new people. It's important that he makes friends in his new environment; they don't replace you but they help him not to feel so lonely. Don't begrudge him that.

[tinkerbell]

It sounds a bit as though you're projecting your insecurities onto him. I highly doubt he considers himself a better person because he's away at a "fancy college" and you're at a local community college, so don't tell yourself that those are his thoughts.

Going away to college changes people. Change is not always bad, but humans don't tend to like change and so our instinctive reaction is to see them as bad. It's a stressful time, too, and he may be having a tough time dealing with the work load and the pressure to meet new people. It's important that he makes friends in his new environment; they don't replace you but they help him not to feel so lonely. Don't begrudge him that.

I know he should "enjoy" the college experience, I'm just really down that I can't, and can't seem to make any friends either. I've tried being sociable in class, but nobody seems interested in socializing like that. I always hear people saying its so easy to make friends in college (including him) and I'm out in the cold. And I don't want to just go up to someone and be like "Hey, can you be my friend?" or I'll come off desperate, lol. I'm just super depressed about how things are going in my life. I thought by the time I was in college, life would be great, but it just got worse.

[differentcountries]

It sounds that the real issue is you feeling envious of his social life. I am sure you know whatever happens in your school is not his fault, but don't pick him down for thriving. Care package with perfume in it sounds like a great way to show him you care.

[rhabdoviridae]

I think it's harder to make friends at a community college as everyone commutes; it's just not the same culture. Have you considered joining a site like meetup where people with similar interests get together? You could also look for a volunteer experience that wouldn't take too much time and meet people through that.

[tinkerbell]

I think it's harder to make friends at a community college as everyone commutes; it's just not the same culture. Have you considered joining a site like meetup where people with similar interests get together? You could also look for a volunteer experience that wouldn't take too much time and meet people through that.

Yeah it is harder. And what kind of site are you talking about? I've done some volunteering in the past, but never made any friends that way either...it seems I'm either not interesting to others or I just have miserable luck at making friends.

And just an update things seem to have gotten better between us, but adjusting is still kinda rocky...I think we'll make it through though. I'm already longing for summer vacation.

[rhabdoviridae]

Meetup.com

There are friends out there for everyone. Sometimes it means taking the initiative to invite people to do something or going out with some people even if you're feeling shy. I'm glad things are improving though! I imagine things will settle down as time goes on.

[Redheart14]

Well, some time has passed and things have settled down a bit for him I guess. Our communication is pretty frequent so that's not really an issue. My laptop is stupid though because its internal microphone doesn't work right and the two times I skyped with him he couldn't hear me. And his dorm room doesn't have decent phone reception so he couldn't call me. So I guess the skype idea is out the door until I buy an external microphone.

I don't know I'm getting mixed vibes from him. I've noticed since he's been there he's gotten super cocky and it's kind of irritating me at times. I don't really want to point that out to him or I might seem like a b****. Maybe once he's settled down more, it will wear off, I don't know. I really really miss him, and I know he misses me but I don't feel he misses me as much. He's not really as outspoken about it as me. I'm probably just overreacting, I don't know. He really likes the school and most of his classes (except the studying part obviously). So that's probably why. I sent him a scented love letter through the mail and he seemed to really like it, he had said how sweet it was a few times. I figured that would make him be more vocal about missing me, but it didn't really help. We also haven't been as intimate like we used to be. Once in awhile we'll say like lovey dovey stuff, but it used to be a lot more. Maybe he's too focused on studies and his "fun time". I have noticed he has been referring to me as "baby" a lot more lately, so I guess that's a good sign right? I don't know, I just don't feel as connected to him as I used to right now. And it's been making me really depressed. I've voiced my depression quite a bit but I feel like a total bear to deal with when it comes about. I haven't talked to him about any of this, I don't know if I should. I'm probably just overreacting or something. I do hope this is only a temporary stage and things get better. I know he doesn't want to break up with me and I don't want to break up with him, so I don't think that's an issue. Maybe I'm just feeling sad and neglected because he's too distracted. It's only been his first week of starting school so everything is still pretty fresh, new, fun, and exciting to him I think. I just need some input.

Glad things have settled a bit. Hopefully they will improve.

[tinkerbell]

There are friends out there for everyone. Sometimes it means taking the initiative to invite people to do something or going out with some people even if you're feeling shy. I'm glad things are improving though! I imagine things will settle down as time goes on.

I looked up the site you posted and any events in my area, but there wasn't much to choose from. And I don't really want to just go up to some random person and be like "Let's be friends!" that just screams desperate. And when I try to just speak to somebody they aren't too interested in conversation.

And things are going pretty well with my boyfriend and I...still a bit down sometimes, but he seems to be content about everything (at least for now). I don't think he's chasing other girls, he's always trying to text me on his class breaks and when he can despite the college having HORRIBLE cell phone reception. I just wish I could get my microphone to work so we could Skype more. I'm still researching what's wrong with it on the internet but nothing is really helping.

[tinkerbell]

Hey guys - thought I would give an update and looking for some input. I've noticed increasingly since he step foot on this campus he has become less affectionate and intimate towards me. Before he left he had always been saying sweet things to me, always talked about how he wanted to cuddle, and talked about how he was sexually attracted to me and such. I mean it was a daily thing that used to come up with us. It made both of us feel wanted and desired and loved and appreciated in a special way. Now that he's in school, RARELY do these topics come up between us anymore. Usually it was he who brought up the topics, but he rarely does that, and when I bring it up in conversation he just agrees and doesn't say much. It really makes me sad and I feel I'm not as wanted or as attractive to him anymore. I have even brought it up twice about this (not indepth detail) this past week and this is his only response "I'm sorry you feel that way baby ". He obviously doesn't see that there's anything wrong with his "expression of love". I just don't get it because he's a very physical and romantic guy (wanting to always cuddle) and now he rarely ever says anything about it even when I mention it. I don't know how much more I can spell it out to him. If only he talked more about what I described above I would be able to cope with the distance so much better just to know he is still attracted to me as much as when he left home. I'm not feeling he's attracted to me as much anymore. When I hinted about it earlier he totally denied it. And then he accused me that I was testing him, and I was only trying to figure out what's gotten into him lately. All he says to me is that he still loves me and that he's sorry I've been feeling less wanted. But it never changes anything. I think he's so wrapped up in schoolwork and hanging out with his buddies he doesn't really need or want my intimacy as much. It's like they've filled that void and I've just been replaced. I just want to cry I don't know what else to do. I miss him like crazy and he doesn't even say he misses me when I tell him that. He just tells me "Its ok baby". Its ok?? No its not okay when you can't even say it back to me. I'm so depressed :/ and he thinks I've been mad at him more lately and not happy with him. So thats when I told him what I felt about this and all he says is sorry. It was my bday today and he called me so that was nice but I was really depressed because it was a bad day at work. And then he said he had to cut it short to hang out with a buddy. I feel straight up jipped that he can't even devote some extra time to his girlfriend over the phone. And he said he would make an effort to call more but he never does. And when I ask he always says he's too busy. I'm sure if he made time we could have a decent timed phone conversation. I'm just so frustrated with him right now I don't know what to think.