Need Advice

[lizwiz94]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years now. He goes to school in Oklahoma while I had to stay in Arizona. We talk about marriage a lot and if we were five years older we would already be married. However the fact that we are only 20 mixed with the fact we are long distance and will be for another two years scares him away from proposing. He wants to have graduated and he wants to live together before he proposes. Whenever I bring it up he says "I never make decisions based on emotions" which is totally great for most things, but I feel like with this decision it should be based on emotions. I want a super long engagement because I don't want to get married until 25 or 26 years old and he feels the same way about that. I am just tired of being just a girlfriend. I feel like everyone who has ever had a long term relationship can agree that their needs to be a step between girlfriend/boyfriend and fiance. I love him so incredibly much and I want to take the next step. I just want to know any thoughts from anybody good or bad. Be honest please!

[Dezface]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years now. He goes to school in Oklahoma while I had to stay in Arizona. We talk about marriage a lot and if we were five years older we would already be married. However the fact that we are only 20 mixed with the fact we are long distance and will be for another two years scares him away from proposing. He wants to have graduated and he wants to live together before he proposes. Whenever I bring it up he says "I never make decisions based on emotions" which is totally great for most things, but I feel like with this decision it should be based on emotions. I want a super long engagement because I don't want to get married until 25 or 26 years old and he feels the same way about that. I am just tired of being just a girlfriend. I feel like everyone who has ever had a long term relationship can agree that their needs to be a step between girlfriend/boyfriend and fiance. I love him so incredibly much and I want to take the next step. I just want to know any thoughts from anybody good or bad. Be honest please!

My ex and I got married when I was 20 because I was impatient. I'm sure you can tell how well that turned out. You're very young. I know you don't want to hear it, but you have PLENTY of time to be married. Enjoy being boyfriend and girlfriend awhile longer. The novelty of the husband and wife title wears off quick. Trust me, you don't want to pressure him into this. He will resent you and you will regret it.

[p_b82]

Call my a cynic here, but honestly what is the difference between being BF/GF/SO/partner/fiancee ? none of these are legally changing the relationship status, only being married does that. so what is the big deal with being together knowing that in a couple of years your BF is going to propose when the time is right for him - and you both.

It sounds to me like he is holding off for all the right reasons, it is not as if he has not said he will propose, but right now, this is not the right time in his life to do it - my very good friend was the same with his now wife. Until he was in a better position financially he held off his proposal

[Sarah96]

I think I know where you are coming form, despite only being together for only a year and a half now, there are times where all I think about is cheesy proposals and getting married and I know I'm a couple years younger than you but I think we're kinda in the same boat in a way. I also don't want to get married until my mid to late 20's, which means I would be more than happy being engaged for a long period of time. I look at an engagement as a serious promise and if he is as serious about our relationships as he says then I would love if he proposed now. However, I also agree with the two posts before me saying that you (and I) are both still very young and should just enjoy time being a girlfriend and there may be reasons he wants to wait and those are important reasons, pressuring him to propose if he's not ready yet could definitely cause a lot of resentment. Making decisions on emotions can sometimes be a bad idea since emotions change and there isn't much thought put into it.

[NadWil]

hey, I also agree that it would not be wise to pressure him. It sounds like he wants to get married as well, so he only wants to wait for the right reasons. Sometimes patience really pays off I would love to get engaged right now as well, but then again I think it would be best to live together first, so we don't regret rushed decisions later on!

[rhabdoviridae]

My now-husband and I began dating when I was 17 and he was 18. We became long distance when I was 23 and he was 24. We got married when I was 24 and he was 25. I remember being impatient about getting married, especially when we were 20 or 21 because it felt like we'd been together forever and why weren't we married already?! But my husband's parents had been through a very nasty divorce and one of his good friends had been through a divorce too. He didn't want us to end up that way, despite us never fighting. So I put marriage out of my mind and told myself that I would just be happy to be with him. And when he proposed, I knew it was because he was ready and excited to get married and start the next chapter, not because I'd nagged and wheedled and tried to make it happen.

Yes, wife is definitely a big step up from girlfriend, but in the end, it's just a title. If you love this guy, just keep having a good relationship and being happy with what you two have. Distance is tough, and college has the potential to change people. Your boyfriend is right to wait it out at least a little longer and see how it goes. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or doesn't see a future with you, it means he's being sensible and level-headed. Be patient.

[whatruckus]

I definitely agree with everyone else, but I will add that, like you, I wanted to be married so badly at that age. Back then, I was with my ex. All we talked about was getting engaged and getting married some day. We were together for 5 years and it never happened (he ended up getting engaged to a girl he cheated on me with after less than a year of them being together, and they got married in July). I'm glad it didn't happen. I'm no where near ready to get engaged or be married. Would it be nice? Of course. I see a lot of my friends getting engaged, getting married, and having babies (even some of my friends that are younger than me). But, I know that I'm not ready and neither is my SO. You're lucky, my SO and I have been together for almost 2 years and we don't even talk about it (he never mentions it). He was engaged before and now he's very cautious. He says if it does happen for us, he wants it to be after we've been living together, which most likely won't happen for 4 - 5 years (by then, we'll both be around 30).

You have plenty of time. There's no need to rush into being engaged or married. There really is no difference between being GF/BF than Fiancé/Fiancée/Husband/Wife, other than the title.

My best friend pressured her now husband into marriage, and they weren't ready. At all. They're now living with her parents with their new baby because they can't afford their own place.

[whatruckus]

Call my a cynic here, but honestly what is the difference between being BF/GF/SO/partner/fiancee ? none of these are legally changing the relationship status, only being married does that. so what is the big deal with being together knowing that in a couple of years your BF is going to propose when the time is right for him - and you both.

It sounds to me like he is holding off for all the right reasons, it is not as if he has not said he will propose, but right now, this is not the right time in his life to do it - my very good friend was the same with his now wife. Until he was in a better position financially he held off his proposal

I think he's being smart, doing it the right way.

[snow]

Call me a romantic, but I do think there is a difference between girlfriend, fiancee and wife. I've been his girlfriend for 14 months and his fiancee for 16 months ( 2 more to go before I am his wife) and I gotta say that it does feel different. It's not that being girlfriend is inferior, but it feels much closer to hear him call me his fiancee and soon-to-be wife, but that's besides the point.

I agree with rhabdoviridae. In this relationship, you are not the only one who is getting married when he proposes, he has to be sure too. It's as much a decision based on emotions as it is a rational one. You have to love your partner enough to know that this is what you want, but you also have to be sure that marriage and everything it entails is what you want at this point in your life. He might just not be ready yet. Don't push him!

[rhabdoviridae]

S

Call me a romantic, but I do think there is a difference between girlfriend, fiancee and wife. I've been his girlfriend for 14 months and his fiancee for 16 months ( 2 more to go before I am his wife) and I gotta say that it does feel different. It's not that being girlfriend is inferior, but it feels much closer to hear him call me his fiancee and soon-to-be wife, but that's besides the point.

I agree with rhabdoviridae. In this relationship, you are not the only one who is getting married when he proposes, he has to be sure too. It's as much a decision based on emotions as it is a rational one. You have to love your partner enough to know that this is what you want, but you also have to be sure that marriage and everything it entails is what you want at this point in your life. He might just not be ready yet. Don't push him!

I guess I should back track a little...There is a difference between being his wife and not just the girlfriend I like that that's my title. Just meant I don't think that should be the reason she pushes him to get married, just because she wants the distinction.

[whatruckus]

S

I guess I should back track a little...There is a difference between being his wife and not just the girlfriend I like that that's my title. Just meant I don't think that should be the reason she pushes him to get married, just because she wants the distinction.

Yes, this is what I meant too. I meant that the feelings are still the same, it's just nice being called the Fiancée/Wife or something like that, as opposed to GF.