Dealing with porn/trust issues?

[kaybeee]

My boyfriend and I have both seen porn before but I stopped watching porn a while ago but the habit was harder for him stop. We also try not to masturbate when we're apart so much because he has told that whenever he masturbated he usually watches porn. Ever since we got together I ask him every once in a while if he's watched any and he tells me he hasn't which I believe. One time though, he lied to me and masturbated twice over a weekend and watched porn. He said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me but I told him that it hurt me more that he lied to me. After seeing how much he hurt me, he has stopped watching porn but he watches shows and movies with lots of nudity and sex scenes like game of thrones and I see that as soft porn because it's pretty explicit. It also makes me so scared that he's going to look at their bodies and compare it to mine. I think I have an issue with this because he lied to me once about a related issue. How can I trust him again?

[differentcountries]

I am not sure what you are trying to acheive, but I can guarantee you you can't make a healthy grown man not mastrubate. He will do it, weather he tells you or not.

[kaybeee]

I guess I don't mind so much that he masturbates as long as he doesn't lie to me about it. I'm trying to trust him again but I don't know how.

[R&R]

My boyfriend and I have both seen porn before but I stopped watching porn a while ago but the habit was harder for him stop. We also try not to masturbate when we're apart so much because he has told that whenever he masturbated he usually watches porn. Ever since we got together I ask him every once in a while if he's watched any and he tells me he hasn't which I believe. One time though, he lied to me and masturbated twice over a weekend and watched porn. He said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me but I told him that it hurt me more that he lied to me. After seeing how much he hurt me, he has stopped watching porn but he watches shows and movies with lots of nudity and sex scenes like game of thrones and I see that as soft porn because it's pretty explicit. It also makes me so scared that he's going to look at their bodies and compare it to mine. I think I have an issue with this because he lied to me once about a related issue. How can I trust him again?

It seems it was something that you both watched and then you made the decision to stop and expected the same of him. Putting limitations on pleasuring himself is just a form of trying to control him. It seems like the area I bolded is the real issue for you concerning the porn and not really the fact that he's watching it.

What exactly did he lie to you about?

[differentcountries]

Tell him you were wrong to control what he does with his body.

Explain to him that you worry about being attractive enough for him. Maybe he can explain how he feels about you.

[Unicorn26]

Masturbation is normal. For men and women. Please don't see this as a negative thing. My SO encourages me to masturbate, and vice versa. I'd be worried if my SO didn't masturbate! I'd think there was something wrong with him!

Using porn really isn't a big deal. When you watched it, did you compare the guys on the porn films to your boyfriend? Probably not, nor would he do that to you.

Remember, he loves you. You're his girlfriend. By watching porn and masturbating he's not being unfaithful, he's being a normal bloke.

If you have issues with him lying to you about a previous issue than you need to get that out in the open, for your sake mostly, as it's clearly eating you up. Getting upset about him watching Game Of Thrones and masturbating is only going to end up in you pushing him away.

[snow]

The more you are going to dictate him what he can and can't watch, the more he will get frustrated. If you really don't care if he masturbates, tell him he can masturbate, but you'd like him to not lie about it when you ask him.
I can imagine him comparing your body to porn actresses' bodies, but don't you ever look at someone and be like "he has a beard, just like my SO", "he wears a jacket, JUST like my SO", "he has the same haircut as my SO". As long as he is not trying to make you change to look like them or make you feel bad about the way you look, let him watch porn or women in general, because the path you are going down is going to lead him to not even be allowed to talk or look into the same direction as a female because he might find her prettier than you.

[Honour]

I think you're overreacting, personally.

A guy is watching porn. So what. It's not like he's physically cheating on you or anything. A regular guy is going to watch porn every so often, a regular girl is going to watch porn every so often. You can't stop someone from doing it.

He loves YOU, OP. Not some other woman. YOU. Do not stress out so much over this!

[lucybelle]

While I agree with most that watching porn and jacking off is quite normal, the OP has a problem with it. Sounds like insecurity to me, she seems to think the porn girls are prettier or whatever. Her SO should be sensitive to that, especially since they discussed it before. I think a good solution could be OP sends sexy videos or photos to her SO. That way he can look at those instead of porn. Then work from there.

[whatruckus]

Porn and masturbating really isn't a big deal. Just because you decided to stop doesn't mean, in any way, that he has to. So what if he does it? Big deal. He probably lies to you about it because he thinks you're going to react badly if he admits it and become jealous (which it seems you already are, if you're worried about him doing it and worried that he's going to think these porn stars are hotter than you). My SO watches porn all the time. Why? Because we can't be together most of the time. He doesn't do it when we're together, just when we're apart and he's horny. So what? Honestly, it keeps their libido up, as it does for women (so I've read in articles). I watch porn. It helps me get off when my SO and I aren't together.

I really think you're overreacting badly to this.

Also, if he's watching Game of Thrones, I highly doubt he's watching it for the nude scenes and I can't believe you would consider that as soft core. It's almost like you're trying to restrict what he does, or trying to rule out porn or anything that has other naked girls in it. Seems as though you have a lot of body insecurities and you lack trust in your SO.

You're putting a lot of pressure on your SO for something that's meaningless.

What are you genuinely worried about when your SO watches porn and gets off? That he's going to think these girls are prettier (reminder: your SO is dating you)? That he's going to cheat on you? Or, are you jealous that he's doing it without you? Either way, these aren't really valid reasons for you to become upset.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I agree with a lot of the other people. I would just like to add that maybe you can just agree to keep that part of your life private? I am a very jealous person. I know it, he knows it, and it's normally not a big deal. Much like you, it bothers me that my SO watches porn because he is looking at another woman that is not me. Would I ever tell him that he couldn't watch it though? Absolutely not. When you're long distance, you do what you have to do. Basically, we just agree that on our own we are able to do whatever we want. We are both aware that we do things, but we don't talk about them. It's not like it's a huge secret, but we just don't go in detail. Maybe a mindset like that would help you get over this situation?

[p_b82]

I think that you need to just be honest with him, and work on your body insecurities with him. I don't understand why you would want each other to not masturbate at all when apart. Not doing so will slowly kill both of your libidos. Ideally you need to try to find a happy medium, ideally jointly masturbating if you can, as that keeps the spark working between you while apart. Not always possible for some this but I think it is important.

Also telling him what he can and cannot watch is controlling behaviour, and I feel it is a fine line about then in future telling what he can and can't do, or go see or whatever.

Porn is Porn, it is a over exaggeration of most people's anatomies, and he is using it as an aid to focus the mind to release some sexual frustration and those good hormones as a result of a climax. If he had pictures or videos of you to look at I bet he would not look at porn as much, as another has said.

[Oliviaclaire]

I have this same thing going on with my boyfriend but I don't masturbate. He has an addiction and has had one for 4 years. He told me a couple months after we started dating and said he had stopped, but relapsed and didn't tell me. When I asked him about 5 months later if he did it still he said yes. It upset me because he didn't tell me up until I asked him. He really doesn't like it though and he is trying to stop but it upset me that he lied. Masturbation is something guys NEED to do if they are in a relationship, if you're not okay with it, then he should try and stop for you.

[Rezie]

I think porn and masturbation are topics that you shouldn't talk about. You do your thing and he does his thing and you don't talk about it unless it starts effecting your actual sex life. I got a feeling that your decision to stop watching porn and not masturbate was not a mutual decision but his areeing to it because it hurt you. Additionally comparin GOT to porn and not feeling him comfortable to watch it is way beyond crossing the line. Yes he lied to you about watching porn and that is wrong, but if he had said yes then would that gone down well? He is ina no win situation. He says yes, you are upset he watches porn. He says no, you are upset that he lies.

I would recommend you guys not to talk about your masturbation habbits, you working on your self esteem issues and lift the porn and Game of Thrones ban.

[hmrambling]

He has an addiction and has had one for 4 years.

Is he in some sort of recovery program for his addiction? Does he attend SAA or SLAA or Sexaholics? If so, then it sounds like he needs to be honest with his recovery program.

Whether he is or is not in recovery, I recommend that you check out COSA (COSA is for partners of sex addicts who want recovery for themselves... meaning that if you are a partner to a sex addict, then COSA is the program for you.)

As for my own recovery, I do share with my partner that porn is a bottom line behavior for me. Bottom line means that is a behavior that I abstain from. My partner is secure with herself and me, and I have established trust over the time that we have been together. She knows that if I had some sort of relapse that I would talk to her about it. However, I do not report my every thought to her. There is a difference in me working on my program of recovery and reporting my recovery to her. I do not report my recovery to her. She knows that I attend meetings and that I work with a sponsor and that I work with sponsees. However, it is not her business to know every detail of my recovery.

My partner and I have never discussed that I should ever stop masturbating. I'm not sure why that would be an issue unless one partner is compulsively masturbating. And yes, I know that compulsive masturbation is a real thing. If someone is missing work or school or job interviews or family events because they stay home isolating and masturbating, then there is a legitimate problem that should be addressed. If one cannot sustain a social life or relationship because of compulsive masturbation, also a legitimate concern. Usually the person who is compulsively masturbating begins to accumulate negative consequences, and only then are they really ready for recovery.

He needs to deal with his own recovery if he is in recovery for sex addiction. You cannot control his sex addiction. There are resources out there for you. I encourage you to seek COSA.