Please help

[AZZS]

My BF and I are having some trouble. He is down on Long Island(he use to go to school by where I go to school) and I am in Canton NY. We both go to school and he also works. Recently he has had some trouble with school and knowing what he wants to do as far as a career path, this has caused him to move back home. This has caused tension between us, I want to help him figure things out but I don't know how. I know that it takes some people longer then others to figure things out and I understand that.

[Unconditional]

Why does it matter what he wants to do? This shouldn't be affecting your relationship in a bad way at all. However, I wouldn't be doing the whole "tough love" thing. I'd be doing the supportive thing. I wouldn't be rushing him because at one point or another he will find out what he wants to do, and I'd tell him not to worry too much.

[snow_girl]

It took me 9 years to figure out what I wanted to do and go back to school. Don't push him, there is no rush to figure it out. You work on your degree but even if he works for the next two years that shouldn't be an issue.

[AZZS]

I am not making him do anything he does not want to do, I am being supportive. I am not rushing him to do anything. I just want him to be happy.

[ronjaandbirk]

EDIT: mistakes..

[ronjaandbirk]

Agree with everyone else. having a "What the hell am I gonna do with my life"- sort of crisis is common among 18-20 something year olds. let him take his time to figure out what he wants to do. After all he will probably have to live his whole life with that decision and taking it lightly or rushing things is a horrible idea and can only lead to unhappy lives.
You're also not his mum, and its absolutely not your place to tell him what to do. Support his every step along the way instead.
If your worry is about closing the distance and financial issues, then I can understand that worry, however, noone should compromise their own lives because of a relationship (within reason) it only leads to resentment between two people if one makes life decisions that make them unhappy.
If it's meaningful you'll cross that bridge too.

EDIT: OP posted in the meantime.

Then why the tensions?
You can't fix a problem like that in a day or two. It can take months or even year to figure things out. Just be patient, take care of yourself too and give it time.

[Unconditional]

Then why the problems? I'm not sure why this is becoming such a huge deal then.

[snow_girl]

Editing your original post, makes this thread pointless now.

[Unconditional]

Editing your original post, makes this thread pointless now.

Agreed.

[whatruckus]

Darn. I wish I got to read the original post.

To answer your new edited post, there's really nothing you can do to nudge him. He has to figure it out himself. All you can do and sit back and let him do that without pressuring him. Don't pester him about it. I'm 26 and I still don't really know what I want to do with myself.

[differentcountries]

When I met SO, he wasn't passing his exams. I encauraged him to study but didn't push him. I would be fine whatever he did. What mattered to me was the chance to get to know him and to support what he was trying to do. Today, he is taking his final exams and most likely will get his degree. We also have some suggestions for his next job, be it in Turkey or Norway. None of this was obvious in the beginning. Sometimes not planning can be very good

[Honour]

I actually agree with DC here. Not sure exactly what the original thread was, can't remember, but you can't plan everything in life. If we did that, everything would be too straightforward, a routine. When my SO and I became friends over a year ago, I was recovering on timeout for my health's sake. I'd had to quit university, but was planning on making a return in September '14. When I went back, I found I couldn't do the course I'd really wanted to do; I couldn't understand the lecturers, I had a permanent question mark over my head. So I decided to take a gamble and I switched courses completely. I'm now studying for a geography degree, which I had no clue I would end up doing. You can't guarantee what you want to happen will happen, you just have to go with the flow and adapt.

[sweetshay]

My SO stated to me in the beginning that he had no desire to be "successful" and "wealthy" and that I was most likely going to be the bread winner. I've come to accept his situation and that he cannot be in school at this moment because at least he has a job. (I have a degree and no job right now so he actually is better off than me at this moment). The fact that your SO has a job is really good so be happy for that.

I hope that your SO is at least researching careers every now and then instead of just saying "I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do." I will be the first one to admit that I wish I hadn't gone right to college at 18 years old because I went in with this bullshit idea of what I wanted to do. After I learned the long term work load for what I wanted to do I spent the rest of my time stressed because it was unrealistic for me - I spent about a little over a year and a half wondering what the hell else I could do. In my Junior year I finally found a career that looked promising and did about two or three ~18 credit semesters in order to graduate "on time" or in 4 years. So the fact that he is taking a time out is actually really smart in my opinion.

It would do him good to talk to faculty like a career counselor (my college had a very thorough career counseling program but I realize not all colleges will). He could look up the majors the college offers and set up meetings with the professors of those majors that interest him enough. He can talk to them about what they know about those careers. Talking can be very beneficial when you need to know more about a career and who better to ask than someone who did it for a living. He could also look up careers that have good job stability, low unemployment rates, and salaries that interest him. Maybe even pick up a newspaper and see what businesses are hiring that he may be interested in. He could also volunteer, shadow, and do internships which are relatively easy to come by since many do not pay and love the help. I've always been told it's better to do an internship and hate it because at least you can eliminate that idea off the list!

Try to talk to him about these ideas (if you haven't already). Sometimes the best we can do is nudge people about their futures every once in a while and just be patient until they are finally ready to take that leap. Be ready for ups and downs. Not everything is straight forward. And don't let this take a toll on the relationship itself. Unless you were living together or had a family to take care of, he still has time to figure things out. We all need support systems, understanding, and enthusiasm rather than arguments.