Trust Issues

[dgg1]

Lately I've been feeling very insecure about my relationship. When I went to visit he hid the fact that two girls gave him their numbers because he would rather me not find out and not be upset rather than tell me. He told me that the first thing he told them as they talked to him was that he had a girlfriend and also showed them a picture but I had no clue of any of it. So I found out and lied to me at first about it and then told the truth. This was the first time that he had ever done something that really hurt me in a way and I guess thats why I can't get it out of my head. It's hard enough being so far apart from but now having worry what else he may be hiding from me makes it so much harder. I am a very intelligent young woman and it doesn't take me long to figure out things. So for him to hide anything from me is just making it worse for himself. I'm obviously the one who has his heart, the person his family and friends know about but to me it's still that uncertainty that gets to me. I can tell myself all day long I have nothing to worry about but once I get alone and my brain starts to wonder its all over. I think about the worst possible thing happening and that might not even be something that had phased him but all this comes from my overthinking. He has apologized for lying and hiding those things but he honestly just wanted to keep me happy while I was there and for me not to worry and thought it was harmless. I just picture him getting lonely while away and resorting to someone he may have met out there but he assured me time and time again he would never cheat on me but the thoughts won't cease to enter my mind. I have been cheated on and I've been in a relationship with someone who was not mature that would resort to texting other girls when he would be upset at me. I have to say that that has really shaped my perception on my relationship and I hate that it has. I want to believe that my boyfriend is all for me and that nothing will happen that he can help but you really just never know. I really have a lot to work on with myself as far as trusting, not being insecure, and stop thinking he will be like my past relationships. I have talked to God and cried because that I really want this relationship to be my last but I am afraid that I will mess up what a wonderful relationship I have just because of my stupid past messing my head up. I know I am not alone in this world with my insecurities so maybe someone out there can speak some advice to me or share common stories. I want to feel better, I hate worrying and crying because he makes me so happy the happiest I've ever been and doesn't deserve my craziness.

[Honour]

I'm gonna quote Lady Gaga. "Trust is like a mirror; you can fix it if it's broke, but you'll still see a crack in that mother******'s reflection." I think she just about sums it up perfectly. First off you mentioned that he hid these numbers; to me either, that ain't good. If you're in a relationship with someone you don't act in a manner that might cause other women or men to try their luck on with your girlfriend/boyfriend, because some people once they've taken a hint, they're not going to give up trying, and they'll take it a sign said relationship with you is faltering. The second thing you said that drew my attention was, "Obviously I'm the one who has his heart," and this made me think. It sounds as he obviously knows he has your heart as well if he makes you so happy, though it doesn't sound after his recent lying stint he does as much anymore, so why should he have any reason to accept girls' numbers if he's happy? Perhaps he isn't as happy as you think he is? I'm not sure.

Thirdly, he might think it was harmless, but if he hadn't accepted the numbers in the first place, you wouldn't have come seeking advice on the forums and none of this would have happened. He clearly didn't think this through very clearly. How old is your SO, OP? You sound like you have your head screwed on in the correct manner and you do sound intelligent, but to me, he seems to have thought he could play you for a fool and is now embarrassed he did what he did. I've been in a relationship several times with those who thought they could take me for a fool and walk all over me, and they only managed to because I failed to see their own flaws through my love for them, which they squandered.

Fourthly and finally, the only reason he may not deserve your "craziness," as you put it, and affection, is the fact that he's trying out to make you look dumb. My trust was destroyed by ex's who took me for a fool and turned something wonderful into a nightmare. Pin this guy down, ask him what the hell he was thinking, and tell him honestly how it makes you feel. Seriously. He needs to get this through his skull, lol.

Good luck!

[sweetshay]

You sound a lot like me, i'm very good at analyzing behavior that is odd and because of past baggage I feel like I know what signs to lookout for and whatnot... so when I see something suspicious it drive me crazy - this is where communication comes into play. He may think that not telling you certain details is good because it will keep you happy but all that's going to do is slowly etch away at your trust for him. Have a talk, say that you can understand why he would think that way but then tell him that it actually really hurt you and shouldn't happen again.

If it were my SO he'd better have a good reason for needing girls numbers like for a study buddy or something.. but honestly.. after he kept it from you his real answer probably won't matter much. If he's going to do something to hurt you there's not much we can do.. just try to be smart and trust your intuition. Also, don't let this eat away at you mentally. Hopefully he really did tell them he was dating, (girls can't always be trusted to respect your relationship even if they do know you exist). However if he is strong he can brush then off like flies - and he should. If he's dumb enough to let some little temporary college hoochies tear him away from a good relationship then he doesn't deserve your tears or worry.

But seriously like Honour said, sometimes guys are just stupid and don't think things through. Sometimes we have to spell things out for them to understand where we are coming from.

[dgg1]

We have talked about since then and he assured me that he was not planning on getting with anyone of those girls that had gave him their numbers. He has told me he would never cheat on me and I trust that. It's just that he is a very trusting person he never worries about me so the things he thinks are okay aren't so okay with me if you understand what I mean. In his mind those girls giving his number wasn't really them trying to talk to him like that because he did establish that he had a girlfriend but that they would just be some girl friends. Meeting people at a club is different from meeting someone at a library. Their intentions are different and I told him that and he understood. I had to put him in the perspective of what if someone came up to me talked to me and gave me their number and texted me. You honestly won't be feel okay with that and his reply was I trust you. In a way I understand that but if you open a door someone will try to enter it kind of like you said.

But I am working on my trust. I want to have a forever with him because before this we had relatively no problems and it has been just happiness and love. I do have a lot to learn about myself and maturing in our relationship but he is prepared to do anything he can to help me to trust again and get over my insecurities.

[dgg1]

After that situation I told him that I want to know everything even if you think it will make me upset I want to know, it would be best for me to be upset now and get over it than lose more trust because you'd rather hide something from me and think it'll be okay. He understands what he did was a horrible mistake and he has promised to me to never ever do it again. He knew it hurt me but this the first time he had ever messed up and I know nothing is ever gonna be perfect and I accepted his apology its just getting over all of this which is the hard part.

I always go with my gut feeling and it was really ironic that the night that happened I had a dream that he had done something bad and weeks later found out. But God has some unique ways in trying to get us to understand things and Im glad I found it out then rather than later. He would never let anyone come between our relationship I really think he didn't have bad intentions but now understands that what he did was wrong.

[Honour]

Hope he remembers so it doesn't happen again.

[whatruckus]

We have talked about since then and he assured me that he was not planning on getting with anyone of those girls that had gave him their numbers. He has told me he would never cheat on me and I trust that. It's just that he is a very trusting person he never worries about me so the things he thinks are okay aren't so okay with me if you understand what I mean. In his mind those girls giving his number wasn't really them trying to talk to him like that because he did establish that he had a girlfriend but that they would just be some girl friends. Meeting people at a club is different from meeting someone at a library. Their intentions are different and I told him that and he understood. I had to put him in the perspective of what if someone came up to me talked to me and gave me their number and texted me. You honestly won't be feel okay with that and his reply was I trust you. In a way I understand that but if you open a door someone will try to enter it kind of like you said.

But I am working on my trust. I want to have a forever with him because before this we had relatively no problems and it has been just happiness and love. I do have a lot to learn about myself and maturing in our relationship but he is prepared to do anything he can to help me to trust again and get over my insecurities.

If he has "no intentions" of getting with them, why keep their numbers and why contact them? I've had experiences with my ex doing this before, and guess what? He flirted with them all the time and got with a couple of them. I wouldn't trust this at all. Whether he's told you he's not going to cheat on you, or not, then he never should have taken their numbers to begin with, and then contacted them. You don't do that when you're in a relationship. I've never done that. I wouldn't give my number out, or contact someone of the opposite sex who gave me their number, unless I had the intention of getting with them. This doesn't make sense to me. Unless, I'm friends with the person beforehand, or they know my friends, or it's a school/work thing, there's no reason to take someone's number, and then talk to them. None. I already posted in your other thread about this, but after reading what you said here, I felt I needed to elaborate.

Even my SO wouldn't do that.