LDRs, Flirting and business trips

[Tdancer]

Hi everyone,

So I've been in an LDR for about a year a half. Generally, since I live and go to school in upstate NY and my boyfriend lives and works in Toronto, CA, we get to see each other pretty regularly. Recently, within the past 6 months or so, my boyfriends job has started sending him on a ton of business trips. Some are fine because they are for about 2-3 days, however are for several weeks and are not planned in advance. This has been really hard on me. They often send him to really fun places where it seems he does much more than work, i.e. going rafting, taking extended weekend trips to beaches and club towns. It's not that I don't want him to have fun, but I also find myself getting upset with him much more easily and my jealousy goes through the roof. We have good communication and he apparently has spoken to his job about planning etc. but I worry that these trips are impacting our relationship so negatively. Any advice from someone who has been in a similar situation?

Additionally, while he was on one of these trips, a boy in one of my classes started flirting with me, a lot, and I flirted back, much more lightly. I felt really bad about it and made sure to casually mention next time I saw this person that I had a boyfriend. Do you guys think this is wrong? I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I just worry that I was so susceptible to this flirting. There was no intention behind it on my end, I mostly just really enjoyed the attention and had very strong feelings of "this person is here and my boyfriend isn't". Any advice/insights would be much appreciated!

Thanks!
Alyssa

[merlinkitty]

Totally don't take this the wrong way, but figure out how to get your insecurities under control. The only way his business trips seem to be negatively impacting your relationship is how you're taking it. His job requires these. Part of these trips are the social interactions and networking.

I've dealt with jealousy as well. Mine was with a guy that was cheating on me. I had reason to be angry. But the thing I realized is how much it consumed me. Every aspect of my being. It came out in everything I did. It made me an ugly person.

Now I will admit, on occasion, I feel the twinge of it, but the difference is I know he's not messing me because he's never given me a reason to suspect he is. He hangs out with other women, cute ones too. He's shown me pictures. He parties with them, socializes with them, his closest friends are female.

But I trust him. So long as your SO has not given you a reason to doubt, trust him. I think women particularly deal with these jealousy issues because we're trained from an early age to compare ourselves with others, find ourselves lacking, and feel in constant competition with others. Train yourself out of it. Don't train yourself blind, but learn to trust where trust is deserved.

As far as the flirting goes, it happens. It might have felt nice to have that interaction with someone. A compliment to your self esteem that someone finds you attractive.

Do you personally feel insecure?? Because just this quick glimpse, the issues seem related. You are jealous because he's out having fun (you think there' s a potential for flirting??) and then at home a guy finds you attractive so you flirt back. So what it seems like in this instance you responded with behavior that you think he might be doing to you.

I know we got some flirty people on here who can offer you a different perspective than me, which will be helpful for you to hear as well. I mean, I guess it depends on how innocent it is and how your SO would feel about that kind of behavior. For me, I personally don't care for it in an SO, so I don't do it myself. But that's just me.

One thing I would recommend is talking to your SO about how it makes you feel. Tell him what you would like to help you be more secure with yourself. Don't be unrealistic and tell him "no more water rafting on business trips." I think that sounds like a blast and I'm glad he gets the opportunity to do that kind of stuff while working. But if there are things you both can do differently to help you gain more confidence, then try and work something out. Ultimately it's on you to conquer this, though. You don't have to be jealous where there is no cause to be

[Tdancer]

Hi,

Thanks so much for responding. Being insecure is definitely something I often struggle with. And I agree that the issues are related. He has never given me cause to be jealous in the past, as in cheating or anything like that, I think it is just something inherent in my personality which has been compounded by some past bad experiences I've had.

This is the second time he's been gone on a business trip for a few weeks and it has definitely been better than last time. Last time, my family suffered 2 deaths while he was away and essentially out of communication, which compounded the issue. After last time, we did talk about ways we could both handle the situation better on this next one, as you suggested and I think that was very helpful. In this case, I think the jealousy stems less from a worry that he is flirting with others and more that I want to be doing these things with him, which I think is probably a problem that a lot of people in LDR's have. I am also glad he has these opportunities and would also not want to come across as setting unrealistic boundaries (I would never tell him to not do these things), however, it just gets hard to keep the jealousy under control. I think also with me being in school still, we are kind of in different stages of our lives, which makes it harder. The whole business trip thing is something i've never really experienced, so it's hard for me to put myself in his shoes.

Perhaps that is why I feel guilty. I would be upset if I knew he was flirting with others, however in the past he has expressed to me that he doesn't really have a huge problem with it, like you said, obviously depending on situation and intent. (He clearly has less trust issues than I do lol).I do have a very flirty and outgoing personality as well, so perhaps some other opinions would also be useful but I really appreciate yours!

Thanks again!

[Honour]

Merlinkitty nailed it on the head with your insecurities. So I'm going to go at it from a slightly different angle

I'm somewhat flirty myself in nature, and my SO isn't. Well, not unless it's with someone he has feelings for, then he goes all out . I don't see any harm in it. As was said above, it is really flattering and a good boost to the confidence to hear someone compliment you in a specific manner. Now, before I was in a relationship with my SO, I was single for a long time, and I would flirt in good nature a lot. More often than not it was to make someone laugh, because let's face it, I was content to be single at that point somewhat, and I love making people laugh, both male and female. To me, there's different types of flirting. The corny flirting for comedic effect was for me, and I still do it even now. I'm an online DJ these days too, and being a little flirty can actually help me gather listeners and, as someone put it, "make it more entertaining." I've noticed it's had a positive effect on what I do. My SO doesn't really care, even though he's highly aware of it. Another side of it is the genuine flirting, with alternative meaning behind it, and this you have to be careful about. I don't think anyone flirts without reason, so what was your reason for doing it? Distrust, jealousy, anxiety, loneliness, insecurity, or just for a laugh? It was probably a mix of some of those things, or none of them at all. I will say this to you, so you've been warned: there are some out there who will take your flirting, be it innocent or full of meaning, to be a sign. What that "sign" means to each person who'll take you seriously is different since everyone has differing opinions, but know that (from personal experience) it can cause lots of problems, and might jeopardise your relationship with your SO. So, my advice to you is simply be careful who you flirt with and be careful for the underlying reason behind it, and make sure that you talk to your SO so you no longer feel bad about things.

[lucybelle]

So first off- flirting. I just don't see it as a big deal. I flirt with bartenders to get my drink faster or cheaper or whatever. So what? It's not a big deal to us. But every relationship has different boundaries, find what works for you.

Business trips- it comes down to trust. Do you trust him? Then leave it alone.

[merlinkitty]

Hi,

Thanks so much for responding. Being insecure is definitely something I often struggle with. And I agree that the issues are related. He has never given me cause to be jealous in the past, as in cheating or anything like that, I think it is just something inherent in my personality which has been compounded by some past bad experiences I've had.

This is the second time he's been gone on a business trip for a few weeks and it has definitely been better than last time. Last time, my family suffered 2 deaths while he was away and essentially out of communication, which compounded the issue. After last time, we did talk about ways we could both handle the situation better on this next one, as you suggested and I think that was very helpful. In this case, I think the jealousy stems less from a worry that he is flirting with others and more that I want to be doing these things with him, which I think is probably a problem that a lot of people in LDR's have. I am also glad he has these opportunities and would also not want to come across as setting unrealistic boundaries (I would never tell him to not do these things), however, it just gets hard to keep the jealousy under control. I think also with me being in school still, we are kind of in different stages of our lives, which makes it harder. The whole business trip thing is something i've never really experienced, so it's hard for me to put myself in his shoes.

Perhaps that is why I feel guilty. I would be upset if I knew he was flirting with others, however in the past he has expressed to me that he doesn't really have a huge problem with it, like you said, obviously depending on situation and intent. (He clearly has less trust issues than I do lol).I do have a very flirty and outgoing personality as well, so perhaps some other opinions would also be useful but I really appreciate yours!

Thanks again!

Keep working on it I've got a tinge of it myself and I now acknowledge the emotion I'm feeling, I identify it, evaluate it, and pretty much put it aside if I determine it's something in my head. I do this pretty quickly anymore because dwelling on it doesn't do any good And you seem to be learning how to deal with it since this latest trip a little better. I knew the flirties would come out too so hopefully they helped