I need advice

[wilde]

Hi everyone,
I need some outside opinions/advice. This is going to be long so I apologise in advice.
So... My boyfriend and I had been together a year and a half before he moved away for college (he had taken a year off after high school ended, while I started college in our home city). When he left and the couple of months beforehand I was a complete mess. I am dealing with my own issues and I could not handle the fact he was leaving. I would cry everyday, I've lost a lot of weight due to no appetite etc. Anyway, when he left, I panicked. I told him I couldn't do it and I went out with my friends the first weekend he left and I took someone home. When I woke up in the morning I was disgusted with myself and completely regretted what I had done. I hadn't broken it off with him fully and so I cheated. I know what I did was a terrible, inexcusable act and I feel wrenched with guilt and how I hurt him and threw our relationship away for an impulsive reason. I tried to tell him it wasn't an act of temptation but instead a cry for help and I know that doesn't make it okay but could it make it more understandable?

It has been two months and he has been back once to visit since then. We spent the week together, slept together, went to the movies and did normal couple things. However, at the end of that week he said he cannot trust me and does not think it is likely he will be able to take me back. Everyday my mood changes - mostly I want to keep trying and do what it takes to get him back but other days I am exhausted and even resentful towards him. I blame him somedays even though I know that's not fair. If he had left and we had had a rocky relationship then it would make sense to end things. But we had never had a fight, we were still in the honey moon phase and had the best times together. The only problem we were going to be facing was his lack of attention towards me. He was never good with texting and that is fine when you're seeing each other regularly but I told him he had to put in more effort and not leave 3 hour gaps between texts as we'd never have a conversation. When he left for college, he just seemed to forget about me. I was bitter and after I cheated I blamed his texting on settling in but if I admit to myself, I know this always would have been an issue. When we talk on the phone now it's great but he just doesn't seem to NEED that stimulation that I do, once a week is fine for him. I guess I am wanting to know what you guys take from this situation. I don't see myself being able to move on and if I did it would be with the incentive of him having a realisation that he wants me back or something.

This is so frustrating and exhausting and I know it is hopeless to say it isn't fair but it really isn't. It feels so stupid that if he hadn't have left we would have continued to be together for a couple of years (at least) and now it's just this shock break up that didn't have to happen.

[p_b82]

I am sorry to read what you are going through, but essentially blunt as it is to say this, you have made your bed and now you must lie in it. Life is not fair, but is a result of taking responsibility for our actions and consequences of those actions. You also can't waste time and effort thinking on what if's - there are so many out there that if you do you will continue to be exhausted all the time....

Some people are just not cut out for LDR's, they require you to be alone a lot, feel lonely often, and not have easy physical support close to hand - that is just the way of them due to the distance. From what you wrote, you just don't seem to be the type that can do that very well on your own - coupled with the fact you cheated on the first weekend he went away. When I went through my own mental issues, my needs meant I needed almost constant contact with my now ex, and she could not handle that and it drove us apart - so I do understand where you are coming from, but your actions still don't excuse it imo.

Your ex-BF has realised he doesn't trust you, and I don't blame him personally - cheating is a deal breaker for me regardless of the circumstances. As I see it, he has ended it 'gently' but you two are now over, so you have to move on. Work on your issues that caused you to spiral into depression, learn from this one and make sure you don't put yourself in the same situation as you did this time again; knowing how it has made you feel.

[R&R]

I have to agree with pb_82 on this. i'm going to be pretty blunt as well. The breakup is the outcome of your actions - not his. He didn't cheat. Yes, he left to go to college, which a lot of people do. Advancing his studies is important and is going to help in his future - and what possibly would have been toward your future as well. Instead, you made the situation all about you and made a bad, irreparable decision. Yes, cheating was a choice and obviously a bad one. I also don't blame him - I have zero tolerance for cheating and if my SO did, relationship over.

You are 19. It's time to start acting like the adult you are becoming. You need to take the responsibility for your action, own it, learn from it and move forward. Blaming him for your actions "if he hadn't left we would have continued as a couple" is wrong. It should read "If I hadn't cheated, we would have continued on as a couple".

And quite honestly, even if you hadn't cheated, it doesn't mean the relationship would have lasted. As pb_82 pointed out, some people just can't do LDR's. You seemed to require a lot more attention and contact than he did. So brush yourself off, acknowledge that it's over, learn from what happened and move forward with your life and the new experiences that are coming your way.

[whatruckus]

Cheating is cheating, plain and simple. If you didn't intend on hurting him, you shouldn't have taken someone home. That was a conscious decision on your end, and you already knew it was a bad idea. He gave you another chance, but came to the realization that, no, he's not going to be able to move on from it. He did the mature thing in this situation. You, on the other hand, have not. When anyone goes to college, things change drastically. Especially if you go away and dorm somewhere else. It's not just him, it happens to everyone.

My SO is content on minimal contact when we're not physically together, that's just the type of person he is, always has been, and always will be. You can't change the person if that's just not their personality or typical behavior. Also, people are busy. My SO and I usually go at least almost a full day of no contact. He is awake when I'm usually sleeping, and when he's sleeping, I'm working. We get about maybe an hour or two (if I can stay up) to talk after he gets home from work. We're not even in different time zones. I work from 8AM - 6PM, he works 2PM - 10PM (unless he does a double). When he does doubles, I don't know about it. We have a time limit where, if I don't hear from him by 12AM, I can assume he's working a double shift. His job does not allow him to have his phone in the building (he is a prison guard in a State prison).

From the way you described the situation, I'm going to be blunt here too because that's what I do, you're too immature to handle an LDR, or just a relationship in general. Three hours of no contact and you flip out on him? Really? The only times I do that to my SO is if I know he's home, not doing anything, sitting around playing video games. Or, if Facebook Messenger keeps telling me he's "seen" my messages, but doesn't respond. You guys have an argument, and the first thing you do is go out with your friends and sleep with someone else? Who does that? He didn't ditch you to go off to college. He went to college to get a higher education, and get a good career so he could make something of himself. I'm honestly a little irked at how selfish you've acted throughout this whole ordeal.

Your relationship doesn't revolve around you. What about his needs and concerns? Did you ever stop to think that maybe him moving away for college was hurting him too? A lot of people don't like to show their emotions, I know my SO is one of those. He misses me, but he doesn't like to admit it.

It feels so stupid that if he hadn't have left we would have continued to be together for a couple of years (at least) and now it's just this shock break up that didn't have to happen.

^ This irritated me the most about your post. Read it over to yourself. Think about it.

BTW, I've been cheated on by my ex, multiple times. It ruins your self-esteem and your trust in people.

[wilde]

Thank you all for replying. I know how selfish I sound but this is the only place I've ever really expressed these emotions. I've never "flipped out on him", this is just the way I FEEL. I have always remained supportive of his decision to leave because of course I realise he's doing something great. I guess it's hard to put forward a situation over the Internet and I do sound like a horrible person because of what I did. I really do hate myself and wish I could take everything back but of course I know I can't. Could this not just be a bump in the road? I made a big mistake but I have learned from it and just hope he can see this and give me another chance.

[Redheart14]

I'd say he's decided to end it and it's not just a bump in the road. From the way you are still talking from what your post says he's remaining a friend. If you want an answer you will probably have to ask him.