Helping my SO with mass amounts of stress from outside the relationship?

[DrewShiGold]

Hi, So let me start off with some introductions and basic info before I start going into the issue.

I'm Drew, I'm 20, I live in Mississippi. Adie (My girlfriend, 18) Lives in Brampton, ON. We met online in June last year, and began our relationship in October. Our relationship has been steadily growing in emotional attachment, physical longing, and there has been a lot of personal growth on both sides when communication has been really strong. This could very well just be something we'll have to weather, but I'd just like to hear someone else agree with that, or even offer ideas to help.

The issue:
I have a job, I sell auto parts while I go to school for Psychology, My family and home life is very well balanced. Adie, on the other hand, has just gotten her first job, which she's never been prepared for, because her home life has been an over all mess. Her parents are divorced and live together. They tend to argue constantly, and Adie gets caught in the crossfire. They also have a tendency to be emotionally detrimental to her. I overheard (we were on skype) her having a conversation with her parents about changing her major from sociology to business, and that she wanted to open a bakery ( a conversation I encouraged her to have because sociology wasn't fun for her) and all I could her were them shouting at her and calling her worthless for wanting to do something that wasn't going to work out in "the real world." Which they have done nothing to prepare her for, and have now been leaving her to her own devices to figure it all out, she's researching tax codes, and everything else that a lot people learn in personal finance classes or by working as a teenager and asking your parents questions, on her own and without support. This added on to her hatred for being in an office job, filing papers, makes her feel confined, and resent this part of life that her family did nothing to expose her too.

This has made her very distant. She becomes overly stressed as each day becomes tonnes of things she feels she has to master and perfect immediately. I continually offer my love and support and positivity to help her, and sometimes it helps, but other times it just feels really bothersome that I can't help her. She loves me, and I love her, and we do make sure to give each other attention, texting often, and skyping when we can, though she feels her stress will bring her down on skype and wants to "save me from that." It also affects the idea of intimacy, her self-esteem basically being none, she feels ashamed of her body and guilty, so I feel worthless and frustrated because I can't help her get over that hurdle, though she sometimes does come out of her shell, only to talk about her guilt the next day. I've been trying to talk about communicating through this issue, among the others, but it seems to only just add to her stress. I'm so lost on what to do, and I don't think leaving is the right thing to do. Is this just something I'll have to keep weathering through until it all gets better?

I am planning on visiting in the fall, we're looking at a week in September-October, planning it specifically in a few weeks, after we check our school and familial schedules for the best time to go down there.

Any advice or tips would be appreciated, and if you need any more info, don't hesitate to ask. Thanks guys!

Drew

[sweetshay]

Hi Drew,

First i'd like to say that i'm very sorry to hear what you and your SO are going through. The way her parents treat her is very unfortunate and it sounds like it's caused her some psychological issues with self-esteem that really won't go away over night. The best that I can tell you is if you truly love and care about her - don't leave her side unless it becomes too much for you to handle with your own life and college career. If she is open to the idea, there are campus counselors that she could talk to about some of these issues and they can help her work through it so it doesn't affect her school work and your relationship as much. That's something that I did when I just busted out crying in the nurses office one time for seemingly no reason lol which was embarrassing. Hopefully her campus has that availability.

I know it seems hard but I would try not to beat yourself up too much over not always being able to make her feel better. Sometimes things just take time and I can understand her saying she doesn't want to bring you down either. Just be her rock, try to take her mind off of it. What kind of activities do you do together? Any games or tv shows? Maybe you could get her mind off of it with something silly like asking random questions if she's up to it. I think if you show consistency with being there for her and that what she's going through is something that you're willing to work through, she will start to come out of her shell more with you. She may even get happier with the support system from you that she doesn't get with her parents. If it wasn't for my SO i'd probably be a lot worse emotionally. If you were not in her life being there for her emotionally she may be a lot worse off, just remember that. As far as talking, maybe try not to bring things up if she doesn't initiate the conversation. And when she doubts herself keep assuring her that she's perfect the way she is - perfect for you even and that you wouldn't have it any other way. Compliment her on the drive and ambition that she has already showed and that you're really proud of her.

As far as her desire to open a bakery - I think that's fantastic. It doesn't sound like a far-fetched idea at all. Everyone loves baked goods right? Are her parents paying for her college? Even if they were, switching from sociology to business should not be a big deal. Tuition costs would change only slightly, like maybe if she had to put in an extra semester to finish the business credits. A business degree could even be the better decision in the long run financially speaking and there's probably more jobs in the business world. It would be the better decision PERIOD if that's what her heart desires - it's always better to do something you're passionate about and not just going along with what others want. Maybe when she's a sophomore she could even do an internship with a food service job start interviewing people like professors who may own one since a lot of professors do things outside of just teaching. For example I had a chemistry professor who also ran a restaurant. In the meantime there are other jobs she can do other than office jobs like something food service related. She could even try to find something in a bakery just to get a gist of how they run. Keep encouraging her for sure!

I hope this helped.

[DrewShiGold]

Thank you so much for your reply, it really makes me feel a lot better just kind of hearing someone other than myself telling me that being the best support system I can is the right move. She always comes to me first now, and I really am glad that I can give her the affection and support that her family clearly doesn't. She's taking this next semester off because the school she wanted to go to waitlisted her, so she's going to be staying at home until at least this next spring semester. Which is kind of the big thing, she has to face her family, and work and everything daily, so I've just been trying my best to listen to her when she needs to vent, offer advice when she asks for it, and just make sure to give her all the positivity and love I can, It's just sometimes really strerssful and I just needed some affirmation, I really do appreciate it sweetshay! You've made this feel a lot easier for me!

[sweetshay]

No problem at all, I wish you both the best. Keep us updated if you need anything else!

[Unicorn26]

Sometimes a girl just needs someone to listen, to be there and be supportive. If sounds like you're doing that really well.

I totally understand what she's going through, I have issues (with my ex) here and last night I vented to my SO on FaceTime for an hour. He was great, he listened, gave advice where needed and after I'd finished I felt a lot better. I did however, tell him I was sorry and I felt like he didn't need it hear all of that but he was having none of it. He said that's what he's there for.

Just keep doing what you're doing, be attentive, be supportive, be encouraging but don't be afraid to let her know if she's being dramatic (I don't think she is btw, sounds like she has a lot on her plate).

I wish you guys all the best!

[DrewShiGold]

I guess I worry more because she processes things internally,While I am very external in my processing of emotions and things around me, and I often feel like I don't know what she's thinking or feeling. I try to give her space, but I still feel really awkward when she's trying to have a normal conversation with me, and it's all short spoken and it's really obvious somthing's bugging her, and "she's okay." I just worry because I feel like I can't do anything at all.

[differentcountries]

If you sense there is something, it is ok to say so. Perhaps in a gentle manner: I can see that there is something the matter and I just want to be sure that you know It think about you.

[DrewShiGold]

Which is usually what I do, her response is usually "Meer" (Her word/sound for "Your right, but meh") and it's usually left at that, then my usual "I'm here for you."