Feeling Alone without him

[littlewonders]

I've been dating my boyfriend and best friend for almost ten months now. He left for college across the country about a month ago and I miss him so much it's effecting my life in many ways (social, focus, sleep). My boyfriend is amazing and talks to me whenever he can. He tells me he loves me every day and still sings me to sleep (something he's done forever).
My challenges have come with what I'm doing next year. I'm a senior in high school and he's a college freshman at an Ivy Leauge. I have depression and anxiety and dealt with losing a lot of people in my life. I'm a good student and very accomplished actress and singer, and plan to go to college for it. He wants me to join him at his school, and even if I could get in, I wouldn't be able to handle the kind of stress that is given at this school. I want to be near him, I don't know how long I can stand to be away from him, but I'm scared to make a college decision based on him, but then again I want to be near him. He didn't choose the college in my town which is high ranked because he felt the Ivy was the better option, but he can afford it and I can't. Should I try to find a school near him or not think about that? Also how do you guys deal with missing your SO. I cry a lot and write when I miss him, but I would love some ideas.

[snow_girl]

You should just break up with him and go to the school you want and do what you want without constantly having to consider him at the cost of doing what you actually want to do.

[differentcountries]

choose a school for your education. there will be plenty of time later to be together.

[R&R]

Follow your own path. Choose a school that fits your educational needs and wants. The education is something you will have for the rest of your life. A relationship is never a guarantee.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

As a college kid myself, I have seen many, many people follow their SO's to a school that they really didn't want to go to. It always ends in disaster and regret. Please, please do not go to a school just because your SO goes there. If you decide that it is the best school for YOU and that you would be happy there even if you two break up, then by all means, go ahead. You are way too young to be planning your life around your SO and you will regret it when you look back on your college years if you choose to do so. This is the time (even this year while you two are LD) to really explore who you are and have fun! The key to LD is having your own life separate from your SO. If you have that, then you aren't going to be so worried about going to his school.

[Harlequin]

I have also witnessed many people follow their s/o's to college, and it's always ended in disaster. Go to the school that is best for what you want to do for the rest of your life. Your life and your success are more important than him, and you don't want to wind up stranded at a school you can't afford, that you may not actually like, that might not be very good at what you want to study, just because of a relationship. There are ways to cope with the distance, and you can always see each other on breaks.

You have a promising future in acting and singing, so don't give it up. He should understand.

I do suggest you get familiar with the counseling services at whatever school you decide to go to. They'll be extremely helpful, and there's no shame in using their services.

[ModestyKing]

Hi there,
I made the decision to go to school away from my SO - 718 miles away, in Chicago. I did that instead of going to the school near her, for some reasons like yours. The school had so many people that were talking about the stress, and it would've been hard for me to afford the school, so I decided not to go.
It's been hard. The harder thing, though, is that started a trend: Us choosing school and other activities over each other. We've been long distance for two years now, and we've been happy, mostly; but occasionally we take it too far in choosing other things over each other.
I wish I would've tried harder to see if I could've made going to a school near her work. It's so hard, too, because she wants to study Marine Biology, and go to a school in Florida. That's where I drew the line: Once I graduate from my school in Chicago I'll do my best to get into a graduate school near her. It's even harder for graduate school than undergraduate, since graduate level stuff is where specialization happens and schools are much more unique. But if I can be happy in a school near her, I will do it. There's a point where I have to stop choosing things over her, because if we do stay together, I don't want our relationship to be practically nonexistent even when we are around each other.

I mean, I'm immensely happy at the school I chose, but I feel like if I had done more research and worked harder, I could've had the best of both worlds. Now I'm living a long-distance relationship, and we have to make so many more compromises. This summer I'll try and get a job near her, have the best of both worlds for at least a couple months.

Good luck. Really, really research all of it. Decide what's not just most important to you, but what will lead to a better future. As a student currently in the middle of college, I'll say don't worry about debt, it'll collect over your years but if you survive and get a job after, you should be fine. That's one thing I didn't realize when I was a senior in high school.

On a good note, I'll next see her Thanksgiving, hopefully <3

[voskaya]

Hey there!
I was actually in a really close situation not too long ago, so hopefully I can give you some insight~
First and foremost, I believe you should go to a college that you want to attend. You aren't going to school for his sake / his future career. Your education is for yourself and with that said, I think this one of the few times in life where being selfish is okay. You want to go to college and gain the education that would best fit your career plan and benefit you the best. You shouldn't push aside what you've invisioned for yourself simply because --- as harsh as it may sound --- someone you love suggests you do something else. If you know what's best for you and what you want to do for yourself, absolutely do it. Don't let the idea of being apart take you away from your choosen education plan.

My SO and I go to college in two different countries - 5,211 miles apart with a 13 hour time difference. Of course, it'd be awesome if I could go outside and walk to my boyfriends house, but at the same time, if him leaving the country means that he'd be pursuing an education that he believed was best for him, than I would (and did) happily let him go. Why? Because while I knew it would be killing me inside to know I wouldn't be able to see or feel him close to me anymore, I also knew that he would be doing something that would make him happy. And that made me happy. That also motivated me to pursue my own major in college, so that I could also be happy with myself and my decision to pursue my own career path.

At the same time, you should also be thinking about this (to help cope with the seperation):

The distance between you and your SO doesn't have to be permanent. While studying at seperate colleges, you can always plan out ways to visit or talk to your SO. Luckily, technology is our friend and allows you to use a number of resources to contact your partner more frequently now. Considering the fact that your boyfriend is across the country, the time zones shouldn't be so drastically different and I'm sure that the holidays for colleges should be shared, so you can always plan to visit each other during those breaks, call when you can, web cam when possible, etc.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you should go to whatever college you want to go to, for yourself. Don't just go to any Ivy League school simply because of your boyfriend. If love can manage to find a way, than I'm sure you two can find a way as well (I'm so sorry if that came out cheesy!~)

If you need someone to talk to about this more, feel free to message me anytime! Anyway, good luck with your decision and I hope everything works out in the end.

[Blip.on.the.map]

I was in a similar situation as you are now - we were together for 9 months before i left the country to go and study at another university. My course abroad is 6 years long (vet med) so at first i thought wed break up sooner or later. And yet weve been 2 years long distance now - & we're still happily together i experienced the same anxiety and depression as you had, because i missed him so much that it hurt physically. i also kept having doubts that he would leave me for someone else. But the thing is that you cannot be completely emotionally dependent on your SO - you need to learn to each live independent lives which are yet interconnected. To do so, get involved in college activities, MAKE NEW CLOSE FRIENDS, and go out and socialise, while keeping in contact with him throughout the day. I know you may not feel like doing so, since I had felt the same way, but believe me it will help you realise that your happiness isnt being robbed away from you by being away from your SO, but rather that your bf still decides to be with you because he loves and cares about you even though you both are miles apart

Also, YOU CHOOSE WHERE YOU WANT TO STUDY. Remember this - just in case you break up with your SO i the near future, then what? Move back to the college you already planned to study at (in the meantime losing time, opportunities and whatnot) Also if u cant afford it, then you cant afford it. Simple. Your SO should respect that fact. Remember - when thinking about your carreer, all emotional factors must be scrapped - you cannot let them influence you. I would have loved to stay in my country with him but then what about my potential career?

Another important thing - 100% TRUST IN EACH OTHER. Trusting your SO, and vice versa is what keeps the relationship going. So if you plan to stay with your SO, don't question him when he wants to go out partying, or if u want to go out. Because you both wouldn't do anything to harm each other in way Try not do dount him and his intentions. Just because he's attending an ivy league university doesnt automatically mean he'll leave you for someone else

KEEP IN CONTACT - skype. Try skype often - we'd skype every 2 days and either study together or just chat. Get sexy creative if youre into that another thing we love doing is leaving skype on overnight and 'sleeping' near each other.

Also, i cannot stress this enough - AVOID thinking about a potential future with your SO; instead TAKE IT DAY BY DAY. By all means, do talk about what you guys would like to do in the future; weve mentioned everything from growing up old together, getting married, having kids bla bla the whole shebang. But try to avoid dwelling on it by yourself because youll end up fantasisng about certain scenarios which will crush you if something in the relationship does go wrong. Instead, focus everyday on making the relationship better and better, until its the best it could be.

NO COMPARING TO OTHER 'LOCAL' COUPLES - your sex life (if you do have one) is going to be put on hold for a while so that would just make both of you miserable also, long distance relationships are very different from 'normal' ones so comparison would just make you want to question your relationship. No point in doing that right?

Unfortunately you will always miss each other. I deal with it by using skype, writing sweet letters to my SO, basically just keeping in co tact with each other during the day. It does get better as time passes another cute thing is coming up with the dunniest nicknames for each other, telling each other jokes etc... planning a trip to see each other also helps you look forward to meeting your so, therefore yiu focus less in 'ohh im so lonely away from him' but rather 'wooo vant wait to see him' get what i mean? and avoid sad moping and depression on skype - do tell your so how much you miss them every once i a while and all, but not everyday because youll come off as clingy/ emotional baggage. Instead try to be optimistic and keep the convos light/ deep whatever, but POSITIVELY deep

I hope my advice has helped in some way. I just started my 2nd year of uni and couldnt be happier with my SO. Ive discovered so much about myself, my partner and how strong our relationship can be over the past year that its brought us SO MUCH CLOSER. The situation ,ay look shitty now, BUT IT WILL GET BETTER!!! 😊 xx

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Hi there,
I made the decision to go to school away from my SO - 718 miles away, in Chicago. I did that instead of going to the school near her, for some reasons like yours. The school had so many people that were talking about the stress, and it would've been hard for me to afford the school, so I decided not to go.
It's been hard. The harder thing, though, is that started a trend: Us choosing school and other activities over each other. We've been long distance for two years now, and we've been happy, mostly; but occasionally we take it too far in choosing other things over each other.
I wish I would've tried harder to see if I could've made going to a school near her work. It's so hard, too, because she wants to study Marine Biology, and go to a school in Florida. That's where I drew the line: Once I graduate from my school in Chicago I'll do my best to get into a graduate school near her. It's even harder for graduate school than undergraduate, since graduate level stuff is where specialization happens and schools are much more unique. But if I can be happy in a school near her, I will do it. There's a point where I have to stop choosing things over her, because if we do stay together, I don't want our relationship to be practically nonexistent even when we are around each other.

I mean, I'm immensely happy at the school I chose, but I feel like if I had done more research and worked harder, I could've had the best of both worlds. Now I'm living a long-distance relationship, and we have to make so many more compromises. This summer I'll try and get a job near her, have the best of both worlds for at least a couple months.

Good luck. Really, really research all of it. Decide what's not just most important to you, but what will lead to a better future. As a student currently in the middle of college, I'll say don't worry about debt, it'll collect over your years but if you survive and get a job after, you should be fine. That's one thing I didn't realize when I was a senior in high school.

On a good note, I'll next see her Thanksgiving, hopefully <3

While this is your opinion and I can't disregard it, I do disagree with this. OP and her SO are both so young and need to take time for themselves before sacrificing anything for the other. My SO and I will eventually "make sacrifices" to be able to live in the same country. We had an opportunity earlier, but we both knew that it would be better in the long run if we both focused on ourselves for now. Yes, our relationship is a priority, but we can't be happy together unless we're happy apart first. Because of that, our number one priority was getting through school, our own schools in different parts of the world. Yes, it has been challenging, but doing it this way saved us a whole hell of a lot of money and made us more likely to find a job after school. Sometimes you need to think about yourself before you think of your relationship, and the time to do that is when you're young.