Hello, I'm new to these threads and I'm not sure how to start so I'll just say whatever pops into my tiny insecure brain and probably just a timeline of my relationship I'm sorry if it's long. I'm pretty tired so I might ramble a bit, but please I appreciate any positive advice and or feedback. Thank you.
My girlfriend and I began talking in July of 2014. She is from New Jersey, and I am from Pennsylvania. We only lived about an hour away from each other. We matched each other on Tinder and have talked almost every day since we matched... I swear for me it was love at first sight, and it wasn't even in person. I quickly learned that she was going to attend college in Colorado that fall, and at that point I figured this would most likely turn into nothing. Yet everyday I woke up and the first thing I wanted to do was talk to her because she was just amazing to talk to because we share a lot of interests and opinions about life. Then I learned that her family was planning to move to either Florida or California. I didn't meet her that summer and she went off to school, and so did I(in PA) but we still talked everyday. As the school year moved along she and I grew closer together and we both realized we had true feelings for one another even though we'd never met. On Thanksgiving break she came home to be with her family, and we decided to meet. That day... was the best day of my life. I drove to her house along I-78 towards New Jersey a nervous wreck. As i got closer to her house I almost had an anxiety attack. I knew she was going to be someone special in my life. I pulled into her driveway, and I saw her walk off of her back porch to come greet me, and I was amazed by how beautiful she is... I got out of my car and walked towards her. She said "hello". I couldn't even get the word "hi" out of my mouth before some crazy urge inside of me just made me kiss her... I thought it was a risky strategy at the time, but we spent the next two hours making out in a movie theater (cheesy date i know, don't judge me too hard.) Now, here comes the part where I became skeptical and idiotic and need help with to get over it because it shouldn't bother me anymore. During the winter, she told me that before we were dating she kissed 2 different guys at parties when she got too drunk. The problem I had with it, is that I had previously asked before if she ever did kiss any guys. She told me no. I seriously would have understood, it's not like I haven't done that before with girls, but I hadn't ever since i'd been talking to her. Now that I knew she lied straight to my face about it, I started to distrust her. She feels so guilty about it and I try not to bring it up, but I can't ever get it out of the back of my mind that she could lie to my face like that. Anyways, I forgave her for hiding it from me and we kept seeing each other throughout the winter without any problems at all. I really started to love her that winter. So, when she went back to school in the spring it was tragic to have to let her go. Neither one of us knew what the future had in store for us, but we agreed to do this together knowing how hard it was going to be. Once she got back, the anxiety/panic/possessive side started to show from me. She had two male friends she likes hanging out with, we'll call them M & T. She would see them a couple times a week, and the more she hungout with them the more jealous i got. We've started getting into minor arguments about them. I never feared she'd cheat on me sober, but i feared when she got drunk and I feared someone would take advantage of her, or she would just forget about me and what we have together. Maybe I can't understand what it's like anymore to have female friends, because I just don't feel the need to talk to girls when I have a girlfriend I love. Maybe I'm afraid that I myself might cheat and be like my own father and i just try to steer clear of the situation altogether. Idk, anyway. We made it through the semester and I was just happy i'd be able to see her this summer. Bad news though, her parents were moving to California in July. Good news, when her parents moved her best friend let her stay at her place. I owe her best friend and her parents several gift baskets of appreciation. We had a magical summer together. We had been making a list of things to do all summer and it was so amazing to be able to just be with her so often after being alone for so long. When her parents officially moved away it was like 10,000 pounds of stress had been added onto me. We both had no idea of how we're going to make this work. (We still aren't positive how we'll see each other this winter, but I'd do anything to see her so whatever happens, happens.) We continued enjoying our summer together before saying goodbye once again. I cried this time(She did the first time, and that made me cry a little), I had so many negative thoughts rush into my head and i didn't want to let go. Building a relationship over time only to have to put it on hold every few months is just such a tease. When she got back to school she was extremely depressed, and I felt the same. At that point we were both apologizing because we both felt like we're wasting each other's time, but the only person I want to spend my time with is her. We worked throught the first couple of hard weeks. Everything was good until October. I was kicked out of my parents house the day after my 21st birthday, dont even wanna get into that(weed in the house). Needless to say this didn't help my stress. After that happened I think she started to blame herself for the things I was doing wrong myself in life. Things started getting really tense between us and it was like neither one of us had any feelings other than helplessness and fear for our future. She became really upset with me and I began fearing again that she would find someone better out in Colorado and just not worry about me anymore. She started smoking weed more with her guy friend T. I felt like she was spending too much time with him. caused an argument. We talked things out and things got better again. Then we got in another argument about it. I don't want to push her into feeling like she'll have to lie to me if she wants to hangout with the guy thought just to smoke. Lately though, it feels like I've just been trying to catch her lying. It's as if I make up this alternate lifestyle that she lives of what she "might" be doing instead of what she is telling me she is doing. Idk if all of this writing was necessary, but I just want advice from people in similar situations as me to help me out... she's the most amazing girl in the world and I love her to the edge of the universe, but I can't stop these feelings that she's lying to me. I don't want to push her away by feeling as though i'll never trust her. I do trust her. but not always. I want to trust her always, because she's just not that type of girl. I'm her first boyfriend ever and first person she ever had sex with. I believe her about those things, so why can't I trust that she wont be faithful? She's a much better person than I am. I tried hiding my tobacco problem from her for the longest time because I had been trying to quit when we started dating. and when she found out she was disappointed but she forgave me and understands that I was embarrassed to tell her because it's not something that I'm proud of at all. Idk, somebody just please say something helpful. You can be critical, but please do not be rude. I can accept a blunt and honest opinon because I know I need to learn how to trust.
My girlfriend and I began talking in July of 2014. She is from New Jersey, and I am from Pennsylvania. We only lived about an hour away from each other. We matched each other on Tinder and have talked almost every day since we matched... I swear for me it was love at first sight, and it wasn't even in person. I quickly learned that she was going to attend college in Colorado that fall, and at that point I figured this would most likely turn into nothing. Yet everyday I woke up and the first thing I wanted to do was talk to her because she was just amazing to talk to because we share a lot of interests and opinions about life. Then I learned that her family was planning to move to either Florida or California. I didn't meet her that summer and she went off to school, and so did I(in PA) but we still talked everyday. As the school year moved along she and I grew closer together and we both realized we had true feelings for one another even though we'd never met. On Thanksgiving break she came home to be with her family, and we decided to meet. That day... was the best day of my life. I drove to her house along I-78 towards New Jersey a nervous wreck. As i got closer to her house I almost had an anxiety attack. I knew she was going to be someone special in my life. I pulled into her driveway, and I saw her walk off of her back porch to come greet me, and I was amazed by how beautiful she is... I got out of my car and walked towards her. She said "hello". I couldn't even get the word "hi" out of my mouth before some crazy urge inside of me just made me kiss her... I thought it was a risky strategy at the time, but we spent the next two hours making out in a movie theater (cheesy date i know, don't judge me too hard.) Now, here comes the part where I became skeptical and idiotic and need help with to get over it because it shouldn't bother me anymore. During the winter, she told me that before we were dating she kissed 2 different guys at parties when she got too drunk. The problem I had with it, is that I had previously asked before if she ever did kiss any guys. She told me no. I seriously would have understood, it's not like I haven't done that before with girls, but I hadn't ever since i'd been talking to her. Now that I knew she lied straight to my face about it, I started to distrust her. She feels so guilty about it and I try not to bring it up, but I can't ever get it out of the back of my mind that she could lie to my face like that. Anyways, I forgave her for hiding it from me and we kept seeing each other throughout the winter without any problems at all. I really started to love her that winter. So, when she went back to school in the spring it was tragic to have to let her go. Neither one of us knew what the future had in store for us, but we agreed to do this together knowing how hard it was going to be. Once she got back, the anxiety/panic/possessive side started to show from me. She had two male friends she likes hanging out with, we'll call them M & T. She would see them a couple times a week, and the more she hungout with them the more jealous i got. We've started getting into minor arguments about them. I never feared she'd cheat on me sober, but i feared when she got drunk and I feared someone would take advantage of her, or she would just forget about me and what we have together. Maybe I can't understand what it's like anymore to have female friends, because I just don't feel the need to talk to girls when I have a girlfriend I love. Maybe I'm afraid that I myself might cheat and be like my own father and i just try to steer clear of the situation altogether. Idk, anyway. We made it through the semester and I was just happy i'd be able to see her this summer. Bad news though, her parents were moving to California in July. Good news, when her parents moved her best friend let her stay at her place. I owe her best friend and her parents several gift baskets of appreciation. We had a magical summer together. We had been making a list of things to do all summer and it was so amazing to be able to just be with her so often after being alone for so long. When her parents officially moved away it was like 10,000 pounds of stress had been added onto me. We both had no idea of how we're going to make this work. (We still aren't positive how we'll see each other this winter, but I'd do anything to see her so whatever happens, happens.) We continued enjoying our summer together before saying goodbye once again. I cried this time(She did the first time, and that made me cry a little), I had so many negative thoughts rush into my head and i didn't want to let go. Building a relationship over time only to have to put it on hold every few months is just such a tease. When she got back to school she was extremely depressed, and I felt the same. At that point we were both apologizing because we both felt like we're wasting each other's time, but the only person I want to spend my time with is her. We worked throught the first couple of hard weeks. Everything was good until October. I was kicked out of my parents house the day after my 21st birthday, dont even wanna get into that(weed in the house). Needless to say this didn't help my stress. After that happened I think she started to blame herself for the things I was doing wrong myself in life. Things started getting really tense between us and it was like neither one of us had any feelings other than helplessness and fear for our future. She became really upset with me and I began fearing again that she would find someone better out in Colorado and just not worry about me anymore. She started smoking weed more with her guy friend T. I felt like she was spending too much time with him. caused an argument. We talked things out and things got better again. Then we got in another argument about it. I don't want to push her into feeling like she'll have to lie to me if she wants to hangout with the guy thought just to smoke. Lately though, it feels like I've just been trying to catch her lying. It's as if I make up this alternate lifestyle that she lives of what she "might" be doing instead of what she is telling me she is doing. Idk if all of this writing was necessary, but I just want advice from people in similar situations as me to help me out... she's the most amazing girl in the world and I love her to the edge of the universe, but I can't stop these feelings that she's lying to me. I don't want to push her away by feeling as though i'll never trust her. I do trust her. but not always. I want to trust her always, because she's just not that type of girl. I'm her first boyfriend ever and first person she ever had sex with. I believe her about those things, so why can't I trust that she wont be faithful? She's a much better person than I am. I tried hiding my tobacco problem from her for the longest time because I had been trying to quit when we started dating. and when she found out she was disappointed but she forgave me and understands that I was embarrassed to tell her because it's not something that I'm proud of at all. Idk, somebody just please say something helpful. You can be critical, but please do not be rude. I can accept a blunt and honest opinon because I know I need to learn how to trust.
Comment