pre-engagement relationship steps

[LadyChemist]

SO and I are now just over 3 years together LD. Things are going very well! We have talked about the future in broad terms and are excited about getting to live together after grad school (~2 years more for both of us).

Recently, though, we've been a bit frustrated by the perceived inability to move forward in our relationship. We don't like the idea of a long engagement and the associated social pressures and don't want to be married while still living apart. Our friends can move in together, get engaged, married, etc. So, those typical options aren't really open to us, which is making us feel a bit stuck.

We eventually came to the conclusion and the phrasing of "fiancee to be" (or FTB while texting), which has really helped us out a lot. It is a simple phrase, but having a name of something concrete was a very helpful step of feeling like forward motion in our relationship. For us it shows that we are committed to being engaged in the future and WE know that, which is what really matter. So, I wanted to share that phrase thinking it might help others.

Also, though, I wanted to ask if there were any other suggestions or ideas for how to deal with that feeling?

Thanks for listening!

Sarah

[snow_girl]

I'm not a fan of that, but whatever works for you.

[LadyChemist]

okay....why not?

[pizza_heart]

then why don't you just get engaged? or get a promise ring. About social pressure... people will still ask you "when is he giving you a ring?", but being ~pre engaged~ i feel adds more pressure to him and creates expectation. What if he does want to get engaged, but not in two years, yet does it so you don't feel "stuck" in that phase?

[sasad]

Agreed. What's the difference with being engaged or being pre-engaged? Its either a commitment or it isn't..

[differentcountries]

I don't see why you get get engaged and just say your wedding date is a few years ahead.

[snow]

To me personally this would not seem right, but if that's what you guys want to do, more power to you!

[R&R]

Personally, I see a pre-engagement or promise ring something that younger kids do (I know my daughter got hers at 17 years old) because they are still too young to make that real commitment but know it's something they want later. If my SO had wanted to get pre-engaged, I would have told him no - either we get engaged or we wait until he's ready to make that commitment.

But if it works for the two of you, that's what matters.

[lucybelle]

I'm with the other posters- I'm glad it makes you and your SO happy.

But once you are married, are you going to be upset your relationship doesn't move any further along? There's not many more steps after marriage, hopefully you'll be okay with that.

[snow_girl]

But once you are married, are you going to be upset your relationship doesn't move any further along? There's not many more steps after marriage, hopefully you'll be okay with that.

This, I just don't see why the relationship needs to perpetually moving forward. You know it will eventually but if this stage is a bit longer who cares. Enjoy what it is now, because you won't get it back. Its just cheesy and sounds a bit dumb IMO

[Honour]

"Pre-engagement...?" I've never heard of that term before. If it works for you, then fair enough. But why not keep things simple and get engaged, and have your wedding further down the line? No rush, right?

[TaraMarie]

I've been engaged for over a year. I also don't way to marry until we are living together 24/7. I don't see the big deal in a long engagement. I agree with everyone else. Either make the commitment or don't.

[hmrambling]

Fiance to be? There was a time that it was considered "promised." Men would sometimes give women promise rings. It's an old romantic notion... but it kind of sounds like you are promised. (Promised to be engaged).

[JaneEmily]

I've been engaged for over a year. I also don't way to marry until we are living together 24/7. I don't see the big deal in a long engagement. I agree with everyone else. Either make the commitment or don't.

Fully agreed with this. I've also been engaged nearly a year and a half, and we're not planning to get married for another 2+ years. Telling people you're engaged but it's a long engagement actually takes the pressure off for me and my fiancé. We know we'll get married eventually, we don't have the finances to have a wedding just yet but it still shows we're committed and that way me and my fiancé don't just go on about wedding planning or getting questions from people about when the wedding is because they already know it's a long term engagement.

[aud_girl16]

I understand the feeling. My SO and I are about to have to do the LD for a few years but we already know we want to get married eventually. Like you we aren't to get engaged anytime in the near future but I would rather call not call him "boyfriend" anymore. We have been together six years and that term doesn't seem to encompass what our relationship is. He introduces me as his "partner" usually which I think is a good term to employ in between boyfriend/girlfriend and fiancé. I think saying "fiancé to be" is sweet. Whatever feels good.