Dealing with the family

[Silverfang92]

Hello, LFAD forums.

First thread here! Also signed up today, just so I could share what is currently happening in my life.
I've been in a LDR for 3 months, now. It started as a LDR, we met for the first time when she stayed over for Christmas and New Years and now it's a LDR again. The days prior to New Years went by so smoothly. What went wrong was that she and my parents had a major conflict and now things are tense between them. This is a rather undesirable situation, because now both my parents and she feel the need to let some time pass until she can come over again, to let things cool off, and even then, I don't know if my parents or her will be more lenient towards having her here/her being here. The alternative would be for me to visit her and I gladly would, if it weren't for the looming threat of my parents overreacting to me boarding a plane to go see a girl they don't entirely approve of.
I fear this whole situation might eventually turn into a dealbreaker, because of pressure my family puts on me and the thought that I can't visit her without bringing problems onto me, and it is causing me to have some stress and anxiety. I really love her and want to spend some quality time with her, but I don't know if I can keep feeling like this.

[whatruckus]

What was the conflict about?

Really the only way to remedy the situation would be for your SO and your parents to talk to each other and figure out what happened, and apologize to one another. Also, you're 23 years old. Very able to make your own decisions, so I mean, if you want to be with this girl, it's entirely up to you. I wouldn't let your parents dictate who you should be with. If you want to see her, go see her. They can freak out, whatever that's fine, but you're an adult. This is your relationship, not theirs. As for having her stay with you, well, since it appears that you still live with your parents, then yes...that is up to your parents to decide because it is their house.

[Silverfang92]

Very long story, be advised!

Okay, just for the record, she came to visit me with her friend, because she had never flown before. I figured that, since it was her first time doing so, since she felt safer with her friend and because she assured me it would be the only time she'd do it, I let her bring her friend over.
The plan was for them to stay at my parent's house (which outdid themselves in making them feel welcomed and well treated, by the way) and then head to the capital, to see the views and the scenery. We'd be staying at my grandparents' while in the capital, but that wouldn't be a problem as well, since they'd be sleeping elsewhere (they are taking care of the house next door to theirs, so whenever I have people staying over, they do me the favor of sleeping there, so I have more beds available to my guests).

Anyways, the conflict here(bear with me) was that she needed her phone fixed before she had to fly back. We were going to get it fixed, but our trip to the phone repair shop got postponed again and again, because my parents had some things to take care of in the meantime, so we ended up only going there in New Years. Turns out the phone repair shop had closed earlier due to it being New Years' Eve. She and her friend got agitated because of it and thought my parents couldn't compromise, since it had been the only thing she had asked my parents. To get her to the phone repair shop. That's where tensions started.
Following that, tensions kept building up, because even after not being able to find a repair shop in time, my mother was still trying to find a way to fix the phone. An endearing effort, but still useless, sadly.
At the time, we were all on an empty stomach, so we decided to stop for some food at a nearby mall when my grandparents' called me, saying they were expecting me and my guests for dinner. Irked, once again, my gf and her friend told me they didn't spend so much money to always be around my family (even though that was the plan from the start), just to explore wherever we'd go and to have my company. Us 3 had something to eat and then we headed home, since my mother wanted to eat something before driving us downtown, where we'd be spending New Years.

When we arrived at my grandparents', I asked them if they could wait for my mother to have something to eat, so she could drive us downtown. They said they were fed up with waiting, so my mother drove us there on an empty stomach. Since my mother hates my grandparents' house, I asked her to come along and to spend New Years' with us, since I figured if my gf's friend was coming along, then one extra person wouldn't hurt.
When my gf realized that she would be coming with us, not only to drive us around but to make us company, she made a scene, saying that it was not what she came up here for, that I would spend so many more days with my mother and my family, but only 2 more days with her (my gf), so I would have to choose one side. I walked up to her and said I wouldn't choose, since that's what she signed up for (my mother coming along, that is, since she knows her way around way better than I do, and since I have MS, I may get tired if I'm driving around places I don't know well enough, so she could do that for me). We ended up watching the fireworks all 4 of us, with my mother feeling left out and excluded. When we arrived home, tired because of the whole ordeal, I got news that I wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed as my girlfriend, since those were my grandparents' terms (which I hadn't known before). When I told my gf that, she was in denial, saying that she would sleep with me. That caught my mother's ears and she stormed into the room, exploding into a rant of how ungrateful she and her friend had been towards her and how childish and disrespectful they were. Since my gf has PTSD, she had a panic attack, due to the aggressive tone in my mothers' words and face. Next day, my mother stormed into the room again, resulting into another panic attack for my gf. They ended up booking a hotel for them and for me, so I figured I could spend the last day with them, since they'd be paying for everything. Against my family's wishes, I did spend the day and night with them and I accompanied them to the airport.
Just one series of very unfortunate events, in my opinion. Thank you for bearing with me up until here.

[R&R]

I read through your story. It sounds like everyone has a piece of the blame in what happened. Both you and your parents knew she needed to get her phone fixed and the delays did cause a problem for her. Having a phone that works while visiting another country is something that is pretty important. Especially with a holiday coming up, yes, it should have been handled prior to the holiday.

With that being said, your girlfriend going off the deep end about spending time with your family wasn’t right either. If she knew this was how it was going to be on the visit, then she should not have been upset that you were around your family. Her attitude about that and then it sounds like a continuing bitchy attitude towards your family did escalate things. It does sound like she was being ungrateful.

The final wrap up of your mother blowing up after your girlfriend was being disrespectful was the icing on the cake. By this point, no one was being rational or acting like an adult. By this time, I would have had them all sitting down and having a discussion.

I think everyone needs to accept the roles they played in this whole series of events. Apologies are due from everyone. If another trip was to be planned, then I would be very clear and specific what the expectations are.

[whatruckus]

Adding on to what R&R said too though, maybe inviting your parents/family along to pretty much everything you and your gf were going to do wasn't the best idea. Your gf did have a point that she came there to see you and spend time with you, and it did seem a bit unfair that she went all that way and barely spent any time with you. Understanding that she brought her friend along, but that was mainly a safety issue in case things did not work out.

I think communication from everyone involved (literally everyone...you, your grandparents, your mom/family, your gf and her friend) was completely messed up. No discussions about anything were really made, just assumptions and then finger pointing when someone didn't get their way. No one handled the entire visit like an adult.

Also, maybe trying to plan so much to do in just one visit was too much to handle. If you know you have MS and driving so much would give you problems, maybe you shouldn't have tried to do so much? I mean, I understand that maybe you were trying to make this visit a great one, but it seemed like it just put way too much stress on everyone. Bouncing around from your house, to your grandparents house...that's too much. How long was the visit to begin with?

You could've saved some of those things to do for another visit, maybe do more sight seeing spread out over a few days, just you and her. Without having your mom or your gf's friend tagging along.

[Redheart14]

I agree with the point the others made about too much time with the family. That would've been very overwhelming and from your post, sounds like it was quite restrictive on what you could do and see while she was there. Having a friend too, maybe she felt bad for the friend going through all of this as well.

[Ejoriah]

I can see her point of view too. It's a completely different dynamic whether you're hanging out with people your age or if you're always thrown in with older family members. I think that you have to play the pacifying role here. Tell your girlfriend you understand that it was frustrating for her to be constantly thrown together with members of your family, especially if she was under the impression that she would be getting more time without them. At the same time, explain to your family why your girlfriend acted the way she did - miscommunication over expectations, frustration and stress at being far from home, etc. Ultimately your family and your girlfriend should apologize to each other, but I think you soothing each party would help get them to that point.

If your family's disapproval of your partner is a dealbreaker for you however, and you don't think your family will get over what happened, end it sooner rather than later. Don't string her along.