I feel detached! :(

[krenner11]

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and he moved 6 hours away in May for a job. He had intentions of just staying for the summer as an intern, but then it turned into a full time job for him and now he says at least until September 2016 because that's how long his apartment lease is. After that, he has no clue.I guess I didn't realize how stressful this LDR would be and I thought we could just "go with the flow" which I realize is a bad decision for a LDR because you need to set goals, plans, etc. My problem is I am having a hard time reconnecting with him when we are together which is about once a month. It sucks and it feels terrible. I know him moving closer or us living together wouldn't solve everything but I feel like it would be a step in the right direction. I think my subconscious is trying to protect me in a way because we don't have any solid goals or timeline to close the gap. Has anyone else experience this weird disconnection/detachment? It feels terrible

[almaa_25]

I have never felt that and so hasn't my boyfriend. I think what you should do is plan a night where both you and your SO can talk about this. Tell him what you are feeling and ask if he feels the same. If he doesn't, then both of you should still talk about how you can make yourself feel better about the situation. Same goes for if he does...try to create solid goals and plan a future because planning a future is what keeps a LDR going. Do you have any solid goals in mind? Everything will be okay as long as both of you keep positive about your relationship no matter what the circumstances!! Stay strong!!

[sasad]

I think you both really need to have a talk and see where you both are. You are detaching, but you need to look inside and see why. Are your feelings changing? You mentioning him living closer etc, wouldn't change anything... Need to decide what feels right for you. Do you want to be with him really or has he been a habit? Best of luck.. Follow your heart.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I don't see my boyfriend nearly as much as you do (about twice a year), but I tend to have the same reactions. It takes me a really long time to warm up to him and make it feel like "us" again. I've been exploring it a lot the last few times to see what was up and I've realized that I put up walls in order to make myself hurt less because I know he'll be leaving again soon. Long distance is a very scary thing and we do what we can to protect ourselves. Since that realization, I've been confronting it and the transition time for the visit was substantially less this past visit.

So my question to you is: are you having a hard time reconnecting because you're putting walls up in order to not get hurt? Is there something else going on here? really explore how you're feeling and whether you feel yourself pulling away from him or not.

I also strongly believe in having a long-term plan. You may not have a clue what will happen between now and two years from now, but I think it means a lot and really helps the anxiety of the situation when you say that you absolutely will be closing the distance again by X time or that if nothing happens before then you will move to him/he will move back/ you will find a new place together. You may not have it all worked out, but a goal really helps you stay focused rather than "this could be forever!"

[krenner11]

I have asked myself all of these questions and it scared me to even think about it! I want to be with him, I know what we are when we are together and how it was just a couple months ago. It was like literally one day a switch went off so I think it is more geared toward me defending myself and guarding myself because we have no solid timeline of when we will be back together. It is a habit to talk to him each day and all of that but if I wasn't with him I would miss him. I need to make this work. Thanks for your response.

[krenner11]

You're right. We need some plans/goals.. like now. He lives in Kansas City for his job and enjoys his job so I feel guilty for being like, "okay please move back, IDK what you're going to do here but this is hurting us." I have been trying to figure out he root cause of this and I just feel like we should've prepared more before he left because we were just kind of like, "oh it'll be fine we're in love and love conquers all, blah." But it takes more than love to hold people together and that's why it scared me when I felt different because I told myself that my feelings must be changing if I can't do the long-distance anymore but that didn't seem right either. That's pretty rambly, I apologize, that's just how my head has been these past 6 weeks! Thanks for the reply

[Chifuyu4]

I'm so sorry for you! This is my similar to my situation; I am very plan-oriented but he always just wants to go with the flow. We are both still in school but soon he will be looking for a company, and idk, I'm just worried about our future after he gets a job ... I want to go back to school after I've graduated and worked for a while too. But I can't talk about these things with him because he's just like, "Oh it'll work out" and also our language barrier. I really hope we can set a few dates to maybe video call about this ...
Sorry I started rambling about myself haha. But I feel like I understand your feelings a bit. I always feel so tired from my LDR and like I want to give up, and I wonder if I really feel the same? But I know I do, it's just loneliness and fear for the future. I also want to be with him but we also have no solid plans at all.
I hope you can work things out with your boyfriend. Maybe it might help to say something like, "It's not like I'm telling you to move back right away or give up your job, but can I just tell you honestly about my feelings?" If you've been together that long I'm sure he'd be willing to listen to you. Then maybe you can work up to saying something like, "We don't need to make solid plans now, but it would really help me if we could talk about our future sometimes. I really want to be with you in the future and I would like to start having something to work toward."
These are just my ideas! Hope it works out and you can be together soon <3

[krenner11]

We are in similar situations! Except you have a lot more distance between you two. Long distance really tests you, ya know? I agree, we do need to make some solid plans or something to work toward! It really messes with your mind when there is no set goal. I totally understand when you say you don't know if you feel the same sometimes but really it's just a subconscious fear of the future :\ When we first started LDR, we were just like "oh it'll be okay we're totally in love and blah blah" but we should've maybe gone at it at a different approach. It feels weird sometimes like I don't even have a boyfriend because obviously we are not around each other like we used to be and all day he is at work! Sigh. We will get through this! Thanks for your response

[Chifuyu4]

Omg, are we the same person?? Haha! I am exactly the same. It's only been two months since I saw him, but lately I'm like, "Do I have a boyfriend?" I honestly feel single. Plus he ONLY likes using Skype to communicate, rather than Line or other messaging services that would be a lot easier, because he doesn't like how the message will say "read" and he doesn't know what to reply. Typical Pisces -_- Like, just say, "Haha! How's your day?" Or SOMETHING. We talk like once a week. FInally when we can talk, it's almost always mundane stuff. There's just never enough room to make plans or think about the future or anything. I feel so frustrated. We can't even work through THIS because we can't talk. Ughhh..

[HeartIsInNY]

I know exactly what you mean .. kind of. And here is what helped us. When I came to NYC for New Years Eve, we just weren't clicking. We were bickering which we never do in person, we couldn't get on the same page, he was getting over the flu and was just acting like he didn't care I was there. It felt weird. He said he didn't think we were clicking anymore and maybe the romance fizzled out. I read this article about how not every visit will be a whirlwind romantic event, as much as it seems like it should, you will have hiccups in your relationship even when you are together.

We talked about it for a long time one night. Discussed why we thought it was happening and what we needed to do to bounce back. He was coming for my birthday in February and we did not want a repeat of NYE. So I really learned a lot about him as a lover and he learned about me. We decided to start putting the effort in to be cutesy, fun, spontaneous, switch things up during the weeks between our visits. It really helped. The excitement to see each other came back and we just had one of the best weekends together. With everything being out in the open, it made us both feel so much more relaxed and ready to just enjoy each other again.

[krenner11]

I'm sorry I'm just getting back to you now! I talk to my guy every day, but we used to be neighbors at school and now we are 6 hours apart so it just feels so weird. The first 6 months were fine but now it's just like... okay... now what.....? Not having plans for closing the gap is pretty dangerous as I've found. Why do you guys talk just one a week? Jus curious??

[krenner11]

Doesn't it suck when you're like.. okay, why don't I feel the same with him anymore? It scared the crap out of me. Made me doubt/question myself. I'm glad you guys were able to communicate and talk it out to some resolve. That's awesome Do you guys have plans of being together anytime soon? Like are you apart because of school or something that you know is temporary? We don't have much of a plan to when we will be together again which I think is subconsciously taking a toll on me now.

[Chifuyu4]

Sorry for my late reply! And yeah it's weird to go from seeing each other all the time to not at all. I think not having plans is dangerous too! I find it so hard to initiate that kind of discussion though. And usually we can talk a few times a week, it just depends on if we're online at the same time. I just wish we could send messages back and forth even when we're not both online, just through the day or even just a couple a day. Other than times we can actually talk while we're both online ... the disconnect is real.