In need of serious long distance relationship advice...

[josh_bennett]

Hey guys, where do i start... im 19, from australia and last year i was working at a summer camp in Texas, and long story short, i met this girl called Ale, the most beautiful and amazing person ive ever met. She was from El Salvador but was studying in Texas and had her residency there and had an american accent. She is studying Pre-med and organic chemistry and all that other stuff along those lines, she's an extremely smart girl, and i mean EXTREMELY smart. She left before i finished my work period there to go back to university, but promised she would come and visit me in december, this was in august. From august-november, we talked all the time, or tried to, i was always willing and she was always 'busy', i mean she has a shit ton of work to do every day and an immensely stressful study/class schedule, so i just blamed it on that, and not the fact she lost feeling for me. But true to her words she did end up coming, she spent 2 weeks with me here, and at the start, she said she was sorry about the miscommunication when she was in Texas, she wasn't sure of what we where and was coming here with the intention of just being friends on this trip because she didnt want a Long Distance Relationship. But that all changed on the first night when we both danced to a song and i looked her in the eyes and told her i loved her, and we went around Sydney and the south coast and she met my family, and we held hands, and kissed and said we loved one another more than anything in the world... and that "were going to be ok" "we are going to work this out"

needless to say we where both sad when she had to leave, but i felt this sense of relief and security knowing that we where both deep in love and its going to be alright.... this only lasted a few weeks when it went back to the old lack of communication thing, or, thats what i thought. I was getting super delayed responses to each of my messages and less-heartfelt replys when i would say "goodnight, i love you" and shed would reply "goodnight" or "goodnight!!!" and she always seemed busy and blah blah blah. So i just decided to open up and say hey, whats going on, i feel like this is going nowhere, that you dont love me blah blah, and she was shocked, she reassured me that everything was ok, that she Loves me more than anyone she ever will, that shes "in love with me". I went from crying almost every day for a straight week to feeling the best i ever was, knowing that one day we will be together forever, we talked about marriage, possible kids, what house we were gonna buy, where we were going to live, how we would bring up our kids, all in a super relaxed, fun way, like it felt like this is what was meant to be. Amidst this period of time, we also bought tickets to Coldplay this august, playing 2 hours from where shes at in Texas, just keep that in mind for later on...

Now you have the back story, its now a few weeks past valentines day, and on valentines day she received a letter from me stating everything that i want in the relationship, where i want to go in the future, how i feel about her, just everything.... Her response to that was "im writing you back", so i quickly just re-asked what i said in the letter about her wanting the same thing and do you feel the same way? to which she replied "I guess youll find out in 2 weeks, im writing you back". And ever since then ive been living in this really sad, confused state of uncertainty, because i don't want to bother her with the plan for our relationship since the answer is coming in a letter and she is, again, EXTREMELY busy with her school, like unbeleivably. So i went through probably the saddest 2 weeks of my life until i got the letter today. It was everything i hoped for... it layed out how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, that she "knows who she wants to come home to every day when i'm older" and "I know we are meant to be together" whilst also saying that

"the path it takes to get us where i know we are meant to be is irrelevant so long as the end result is us together"

wow.... my heart is filled with joy. But for right now, what i REALLY need help with is what to do between now and when shes finished with everything and has her career on its way. For now she has clearly stated she doesn't have time for any relationship, let alone a 'long distance' one. This girl puts her career/study above anything else in the world, its her lifes passion, she loves everything about biology and wants to become a doctor. shes set. Me, on the other hand, im really chill, i don't have a burning passion for anything that i would die for, but i do have some life plans of my own, that could all incorporate moving overseas and being flexible at one point or another. Thats kinda the problem, i'm fine with talking every day and seeing her every so often, but she doesn't have the time for pretty much anything and suggests we should take a break to focus on our lives for the time being. But what are we meant to do.... i'm going to want to keep talking to her and demand time from her to be able to go and see her and spend time with her over the years shes at school and i can't just forget about her for some years and then come back and marry her can i? She's so much more mature and intelligent about this than i am, shes stating the facts, the realities, while i know they are there i just want to ignore them and have this magical romance with her. Shes 100% right though, about me having to enjoy my youth and not worrying about a long-distance relationship that is extra hard. But i truly love her.... everything about her, and as long as i have her, and can keep visiting her a few times a year, so far as im concerned, i AM enjoying my youth.... which brings me to my final questions also.... shes worried that i've only seen her during her chilled out and relaxed phases (i.e, summer camp, holiday overseas) and not when shes focused and working and a "Completely different person", surely she cant be that different? How can i reassure her that i'll love her even in those times? maybe she really wont have time in the young years of her life if shes working as a doctor/surgeon, they rarely get time off and are always working pretty much. And this concert! do i just tell her to stick it out till august and then we can discuss it in person and on a more deeper level? i mean going to this concert with her would be a once in a lifetime thing, something that well both never forget for our whole lives but will regret if we dont do.... i know that.... what have i gotten myself into? i love this girl to pieces and couldn't imagine being with anyone else.... i really cant, i just need someone to talk to about it all.

[Redheart14]

Hi and welcome to the forum.
Gee this is a tough situation you're in. I think for the time being I'd take a step back and give each other some space. Does she ever initiate contact, or are you always the one who initiates it? Have you booked flights for this concert in August? I guess at least she's been upfront and honest with you in regards to putting her studies first which is good. I guess you need to weigh up if you're content enough with it being this way until her studies are over? After that her career is going to require a lot of her attention. Have you discussed moving there? What have her thoughts been? Are you ok to just pick up and leave? What would you do for work? Would your family support this? There's lots of factors to be considered. Have you thought about visiting her while she's studying? I guess it would give you an insight as to what stress she's under and you can see how the two of you go and if it's the same as it is now when you're apart. Take some time to yourself to think all this through its a big decision.

[josh_bennett]

Hey mate, thank you for your feedback. Yeah im pretty much always the one initiating contact, i mean i didn't use to be, it was sometimes usually her. No i haven't booked flights yet, but i think the best thing would be to do what you said, use it as an opportunity to go over and live with her for a couple weeks to see what kind of impact it has and if she is a different person. You are totally right, she is being upfront and honest about everything, even the part where she wants to be with me in the future, which really hits my heart home. I told her that i would be the one to move since guys tend to not be as attached to family as much as women, and plus i have the more flexible lifestyle really. She said that if i do move and it doesn't work out, she will feel hesitant to say something since I've made a sacrifice to move over there and shed feel bad that i'd have to move back. but before i move i would plan it out carefully and make sure it's 100% what i want to do, which is what its looking like at this stage.

The thing is, yes i am content with waiting and being away from her but only if the end result is us being together, i don't want to wait in a state of uncertainty and not knowing what im waiting for you know... however she said she cant fully give me a relationship that i want since she wont have the time, but if i agree and give her space, what if she finds someone else there miraculously and has time for them, or i see pictures of her hanging out with other guys on snap chat or instagram, it's going to break my heart into a million pieces... because i wouldn't do that to her, i don't see anything else in other women whilst i have her.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but if you're waiting for her to be established in her career to have a relationship then you will be waiting a LONG time. If you two are going to make this work, she has to find a way to make time for you despite her studies. If she's pre-med and can't do that, then how will it be once she's a med student or a doctor? As you said, she will always be busy. It doesn't just go away. She probably will just continue to get more busy...I don't mean to be harsh, but the reality with her future job is that if you can't make it now, you probably won't be able to make it 10 years down the line when she's a doctor. It's an extremely stressful job and you have to want to make time for those extra things in life.

[C.C.]

Well the best idea is to go there when she has stressful period of time. If you are the one she wants to come home to, then it wouldn't hurt for her to check how it will work when she's busy all day. Also, she might not have time online, but irl it's different, she could just relax with you and study at the same time, maybe. Or just spend a night with you after tiring and stressful day.
So maybe you should talk to her about that. And if that meeting goes well, discuss some kind of solution and middle ground afterwards, because, while she's realistic about her studies and everything.
It is also realistic that you won't have a high chance of being with her in future as well if it doesn't work now. Maybe even if you just went there and married her, the marriage wouldn't work as well because of how little time you have spent together.

[differentcountries]

It is nice and well that she sees herself with you long term, but that is not going to happen unless she finds a way to make time for you and your relationship in the near future. I get being busy, I have been busy, SO has been busy, but you can't put people on hold and expext them to wait for years and years to get any attention. Especially with the time difference, you need to find a way to scedule so that you can have some uninterrupted couple time once in a while.

[Kapwned]

You have a few options.

1. Accept that you are going to be #2-3 in her life and you will be placed on the back burner and always patiently wait for her to come around (which may or may not come) and be ready to take... whatever this is that you have to the next level while she continues to place you as #2-3.

or

2. Decide to remain friends or part ways.

I'm glad you have put a lot of thought into this, you seem like a very empathetic person, and you understand her perspective, and the potential stress the relationship could place upon her, but part of me feels like this may not work out in your favor. Personally, my suggestions would be to just be friends for now, stop worrying about the future, don't fantasize about it and plan it out. Do not take her words as law. I think emotionally, you're moving a little fast for what a Pre-Med student who clearly fully dedicates herself to her studies might be able to handle, and you might be wanting more than she can give. But talking about marriage and children? When she has also said she doesn't want a relationship? Slight chance she is just saying what she thinks will make you happy.

I think you have a lot of love to give, you want that love in return, and she does not have a lot to give in ways that you want. Your only real world experiences with her have been during purely leisurely periods. It's not a fair representation of who she is back in the real world. Even when she graduates and settles into a career, her career will still be her life. She will still have a heavy workload. Her work may have to come home with her or she may have to stay at work for long periods. She will be tired when she get off of work. It'll be stressful and might affect her mood. If she ever has to work while at home she may not want you to disturb her at all. Would that be okay with you? A lot of people are, but it's okay to not be okay with it as well. That just means you and the other person do not sync up very well. You honestly sound like someone who needs a partner who shares an aspiration for love and building a life, future, and family together. She sounds like she is the type who will only accept love if it fits in with her own personal aspirations in life, which for her is her career.