How intense are your ups and downs?

[reylaa]

Just like any other relationships there are ups and downs, but I can imagine how ups and downs in long distance relationships can be even more frustrating since there's only so much you can do because of the limited ways to interact.

Usually my SO and me have small arguments about me being upset over little things I shouldn't be upset over or him missing our Skype appointments. They occure because of our different mindsets, but we always try to understand each other and after talking about it everything is fine.

But lately it was me who caused all kinds of unnecessary drama and it started adding up. Last week's argument made the last straw break the camel’s back. I thought I ruined everything and that this relationship was over. But in the end, he stuck with me and forgave me.

However, today we were on the phone and he told me it didn't feel the same as before the argument. I asked him if he cared less or if I should give him more space. But he said it's none of these and that it's not something I can help him with. I know it's just a phase and it's not his first time feeling weird/off/distant, but it makes me feel bad because I was the one who did damage to this. I guess I should let it be. Time will tell.

How intense are your ups and downs? How do you deal with the downs?

[differentcountries]

We usually try to turn the "downs" into something positive by making them a learning experience. If we fight or there are bad misunderstandings, we can use that information to learn something about ourselves and the relationship, if we are kind to each other. Sometimes I get extremely upset with him, then I have to remind myself that he is an amazing and extremely patient guy and I should be thankful that he wants to be my man. We are different, and that is ok, but we should always respect each other as well as ourselves.

The way you can help your SO, is by showing him that not only do you regret the way you behaved, but that you used the experience to learn something about how you "work" and that you have suggestions on how you can change things, or perhaps you can change things together. For instance, SO has accused me of making "drama" at times in the past, but I convinced him that if he doesn't want to talk about things, they build up and become worse. So if he doesn't want drama, he should listen to me more in the moment and take into consideration what I have to say. But I too have to be brave to tell him what is on my mind and not let it build up. Also, sometimes, as you say there are different mindsets and it takes some time to get to know your SO well enough to predict how they will act or respond to you.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I think it's really important to stick with your normal patterns even if you are in a down. Love is a choice: you have to actively choose each other every day. It's really hard to do that if you don't do the things that you normally would to maintain your relationship. So I deal with the downs by being patient and continuing the things that I normally would. We tend to have a pretty steady relationship, but when there are downs they are pretty down. Those are the moments that we really work hard to communicate, take time for ourselves to reflect, and do little things to rekindle the love.

[Cup]

My downs: OMG WE ARE GOING TO BREAK UP !!

My ups: I really love this person he is kind and generous i could see a future with him ...etc

How do i deal with the downs? I study. I try to figure out why i feel this bad, cause i do overreact. I am getting somewhere on that and it feels good. I am sure that part of me overreacting is because of the distance and that i can not see him, touch him or just hang, so i can feel secure. In a CDR i usually feel secure quite early on, depending on the person, but it's easier.

So i study, try to figure out my issues and i come here to get support cause we all have been through these situations and people here are kind and give lovely advice!

[Dwessie]

Our downs are FUCKING TERRIBLE.
But she's the only person I've ever met who can put up with them

[BFG]

Our downs are never about breaking up, but about her returning home to me.

Everything from her saying "That's it i'm ready to come home now" to me saying "I'm drafting a resignation letter, that's it, i'm coming there to join you I've had enough"

I'm probably a lot more melodramatic than she is, she seems to cope with it all a lot better than i do, which i'm certainly jealous of.

[Alle1770]

Our downs can be pretty bad. We've had some fallouts that almost resulted in breakups, but thankfully we've managed to get through it. 90% of the time it's really just us missing one another, ironically, which leads to frustration about the distance and the LDR-situation itself rather than what we're fighting about. It's silly, but we've learned to recognize it over the years and work it out