Feeling so insecure and anxious

[Kyllle]

My girlfriend and I have been dated for 7 months. We are both college students, I'm studying in China and she is in Canada. Things has been great for the first several months. But two months ago, I moved to US to do an internship and things began to get bad. At the very first days when I arrived in US she was always there for me because she didn't want me to feel alone in a new country. She paid much attention to me, we skype a lot, text a lot, and I felt really happy and in love. However, after one or two weeks, she stopped to pay so much attention to me. We barely skyped and she started to not respond to my text immediately. I felt ignored and thought she didn't care about me as much as I did to her. We talked about this and had a few quarrels. Every time she would re-announce that how much she loved me. But I just can not feel it. Every day I feel the urge to talk to her, and if one day we didn't talk much for no reason, I would get upset. But she don't seem to have this feeling. Every time it was me to get back to her because I wanted to talk to her so badly. This gives me the feeling that she is not attached to me as much I am to her.

We've already been through two breaks, one initiated by me and the other initiated by her. We both don't want to break up because we've been through so much things together. We know each other since we are in middle school and we already had a romantic situation back then. We both feel so lucky to find each other again after these years. But right now I just feel so insecure that I pay great attention to her tone and attitude to make sure she is devoted to me and cares about me. But unfortunately, she is not that kind of person, at least according to what she said, she is not used to talking in a loving tone or attitude. We've talked about this several times but things didn't get better. I felt so unsatisfied in emotion. I guess it's because we didn't spend much time together before we began this long distance thing so there is a lot of intimacy missing, which I really need... Now my works suffers because I feel sad during the days. What should I do. Can anybody give me some advice?

[harlequindoll]

Hello Kyllle,

Reading about your situation gives me all of the feels. My boyfriend is very unemotional a lot of the time too. He disappears for days at a time, sometimes. Yet, he swears up and down that he still feels the same way.

After he came to visit me for the first time, he was different than before. He was so attentive, so affectionate; constantly calling/skyping; constantly messaging. This tapered off and eventually, there was an entire week of nothing at all. I asked him what was up, he said that nothing had changed. This is still a challenge for me because, like you, I became dependent on his thoughts/words/actions to be OK in my own life. That is never good.

You have to be involved in your own life and not depend on the words/emotions of your SO to get you through your day or just to be OK. I understand your difficulty in getting through work from feeling sad, but, maybe that's a sign that your work isn't challenging enough for you. Maybe you need to look inward and do some hard work on you first. That's what it sounds like to me. You have become too dependent on the actions/words of your SO to make YOU OK, which ultimately just wears down the relationship. Trust me, I'm talking from experience here.

Further to the point, you have to accept/love/trust your partner 100% AS IS. You have to let go a little bit, and rely on the things you know deep in your soul to be true. She says she loves you still. Why isn't that still true because you don't hear it every day? Just have faith that everything is OK, wake up every day feeling that, and live! Once she gets the vibe from you that you're not dependent on her to be OK, things may shift. It's worth a try, right?

[SlowJellyfish]

Hello Kyllle,

Reading about your situation gives me all of the feels. My boyfriend is very unemotional a lot of the time too. He disappears for days at a time, sometimes. Yet, he swears up and down that he still feels the same way.

After he came to visit me for the first time, he was different than before. He was so attentive, so affectionate; constantly calling/skyping; constantly messaging. This tapered off and eventually, there was an entire week of nothing at all. I asked him what was up, he said that nothing had changed. This is still a challenge for me because, like you, I became dependent on his thoughts/words/actions to be OK in my own life. That is never good.

You have to be involved in your own life and not depend on the words/emotions of your SO to get you through your day or just to be OK. I understand your difficulty in getting through work from feeling sad, but, maybe that's a sign that your work isn't challenging enough for you. Maybe you need to look inward and do some hard work on you first. That's what it sounds like to me. You have become too dependent on the actions/words of your SO to make YOU OK, which ultimately just wears down the relationship. Trust me, I'm talking from experience here.

Further to the point, you have to accept/love/trust your partner 100% AS IS. You have to let go a little bit, and rely on the things you know deep in your soul to be true. She says she loves you still. Why isn't that still true because you don't hear it every day? Just have faith that everything is OK, wake up every day feeling that, and live! Once she gets the vibe from you that you're not dependent on her to be OK, things may shift. It's worth a try, right?

Reading what you wrote, It's like you are me!! Anyway, I agree with you.

[Kyllle]

Hello harlequindoll

Thank you very much for your advice! I think what you said make sense. But right now I just feel angry at her. I feel so unfair to be the only loving side in the relationship. If she is not showing the same caring that I've shown to her, I would be really pissed off. I know that is not good. But I just don't know how to get rid of this anger. Sometimes I just feel the desire to do something stupid to get back at her, like cheating... Do you have any suggestions for me?　Should I talk to her about how I feel?

[Harlequin]

I think it's important to recognize that these feelings stem from you simply missing her. I don't think you're actually angry at all. You're in a new country, alone, and that's a hard thing on its own to acclimate to. It gets even harder when you can't talk to someone you love dearly as often as you'd like. Missing someone can be hard to place emotionally, so it gets misjudged as things like anger and resentment.

How are you doing socially? Like, are you making any friends? Have you gone out and explored Atlanta?
It's important for you to focus on yourself and your new location. Make friends, go out and explore, and adjust to life in Atlanta. The more you get out and do, the less you'll feel dependent on affirmation from your s/o.

If you want to talk to her about how you feel, then do, but tell her the truth. You miss her, and you're feeling homesick for her. Don't tell her that you're angry at her, and definitely don't tell her that you've considered cheating in order to get back at her for a perceived slight. She isn't really doing anything wrong, and unloading anger on her would only make things worse. You miss her, you miss her physical presence in your life.

If you feel like you need to feel like you're with her, ask for photos. Any kind of photo. Photos of her, photos of what she's doing, photos of things that make her think of you. Before my s/o left, I asked him to send me a selfie. Since he's been gone, I've been sending him photos of my daily life so he feels like he's still a part of it. Maybe she'd be willing to do something like that.

[C.C.]

Sometimes I just feel the desire to do something stupid to get back at her, like cheating... Do you have any suggestions for me?　Should I talk to her about how I feel?

I have no other advice, but
No matter how angry you are at someone, no matter how much they deserve it. Cheating is not the way. Revenge is not the way. If you get THAT angry that you seriously consider something like that, it's better to walk way rather than ever stepping that low.