How to get him to move here

[cu34]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 8 months. We've been long distance for all but 4 months of our relationship. I live in PA and he lives in NC, but both of our families are from PA. He really likes his job there, which is why he moved there. After I graduate is when we plan on moving to the same location. I really don't want to move to NC at all. I really want him to move back here. I don't think he would be opposed to it but I don't want to make it an ultimatum. I want him to move here because he wants to, not because I want him to or because I won't move there. How do I gently nudge him towards doing this? And how long is long enough for a LDR?

[hmrambling]

Welcome to LFAD!

The time that the two of you spend in long distance is really up to you guys. A huge part of relationships is communication. Talk to him and see how he feels about moving where you are. If he doesn't want to move where you are, ya'll might be at an impasse or ya'll might need to compromise. You never know unless you talk to him.

[kittyo9]

Can you elaborate on what it is that makes you want to stay in PA? What is it about NC that you don't like? Logically, it seems like it would be a lot better for you to move to where he is since you aren't tied down and he is already established and has a job he enjoys, but I understand that there may be other factors that you haven't discussed.

You can't manipulate him into deciding on his own that he wants to move-- that's just wishful thinking, and you would be much better off being open with him, anyway. You will have to discuss your concerns with him and give him solid reasons that PA would be a better place for the two of you than NC (community, living expenses, proximity to family/friends, climate, lifestyle, etc.). However, you should also be open to the possibility that he just won't want to leave, and that you might need to make some concessions of your own if you are to close the distance.

How long is long enough? As long as you can take it, I guess. This is so different for everyone that there's no way any of us can really give you an answer. We've got members who have been LD for more than 10 years, but we've also had many who ended their relationships long before that due to the stresses of being apart. It's really a personal matter.

[Rezie]

Sorry for double post but can't edit my post anymore. I wanted to add that you can't really pressure him or steer him. You can just talk about what great opportunities PA has and what you enjoy about it. Not make him feel guilty. I would say talk about your plans and desires.

[differentcountries]

We have dated long distance close to 4 years with no end date. It is different for everyone.

To live somewhere, you both need to have jobs in that place (or online). Right now, you dont know what your job market is going to look like. It also makes no sense for him to move away from his good job to a hometown where you are not currently employed. Give it some time, look at pros and cons. Most importantly, you need money and jobs to move, so make sure you have financial options.

[SailorRei]

You can't really "get him to move", and you shouldn't give ultimatum. If it happens, and he moves slightly "against" his will, it might result in problems later in the relationship. Also, you can move more than once You can start where you both have better chances to get work, save some money. And move back after you've got more work experience

best of luck!

[erwin1973]

PA? NC? What's that..?
Sorry, I'm a non-American...

Anyway, have you tried asking him? Start communicating with him about it, and see where it leads to.

[Moon]

PA? NC? What's that..?
Sorry, I'm a non-American...

Anyway, have you tried asking him? Start communicating with him about it, and see where it leads to.

The states of Pennsylvania and North Carolina Both east coast states in the US, if you wanted to look at a map.

[erwin1973]

The states of Pennsylvania and North Carolina Both east coast states in the US, if you wanted to look at a map.

Tnx. That saves a lot of wondering.

[Karura]

You can't make someone want something like moving to another place when they have a job and are satisfied with their current location, if you try, that would be called manipulation and I would advise against that. The only thing you can do is talk with him about the moving so you two can reach an agreement (or not) because if you make an ultimatum and he moves despite his wishes, your relationship will get affected. Talk, explain your reasons and also hear his. I know this had been said a lot in this community, but communication and understanding between couples is important.

[Chris516]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 8 months. We've been long distance for all but 4 months of our relationship. I live in PA and he lives in NC, but both of our families are from PA. He really likes his job there, which is why he moved there. After I graduate is when we plan on moving to the same location. I really don't want to move to NC at all. I really want him to move back here. I don't think he would be opposed to it but I don't want to make it an ultimatum. I want him to move here because he wants to, not because I want him to or because I won't move there. How do I gently nudge him towards doing this? And how long is long enough for a LDR?

Has he expressed any absolute feeling beyond work, of not wanting to move back to PA? You haven't given an expressly good reason why you don't want to move to NC, just not at all. Suppose he is 'not at all' about moving back to PA.

The two of you need to communicate about this.