I need advice, bad.
I'm not sure if this is allowed, as I've never posted in this forum.
I'm in a very bad place right now, and I don't know anyone else in an LDR, so I'm not sure where else to turn. Maybe I'll look for another forum to post this too, as well, because I am beyond desperate for some advice or reassurance or insight from anyone who thinks that can provide me with absolutely anything.
I'll call my boyfriend Jason. I met Jason about 4 years ago online. We were friends for years, even while I dated other people. I was always very drawn to him, as we talked every single day for hours and hours until we fell asleep and 5 in the morning, and I felt like he really understood me. We would tell each other that we loved each other, even though we weren't dating. We wanted to be together, but he didn't want to date until we met in person. I begged him to meet for years, and when he finally agreed, I bought a plane ticket to go see him. He lives about 250 miles away.
The chemistry was amazing. We met in April of 2016, and then again in June, and then in November, and then in December, and then in March, and then in May. I just spent the entire summer with him, for three whole months. We started dating the day we met, and everything has been wonderful. We work very well together and I love him more and more every single day.
Every time we have parted, I have been upset. I've cried a little bit, but then it fades as I look forward to the future where I can see him next. However, this time was the worst. I left him yesterday morning to go back to my grandparent's home where I used to live (I live with my boyfriend over breaks now) for a couple of days (about a 4 hours drive), before I go back to college on Saturday (a seven hour drive from my boyfriend). I was already set to go to that college before I started dating Jason. I wasn't really that smart, so I kind of just went to the first half decent place that I was accepted to. I wasn't taking into account how far it was from Jason and how painful it would be, yet.
I finished my first year at college, and I'm on to my second. The first year was a bust. It was mentally anguishing and overly challenging. I hated it more than I can begin to explain. I didn't find any of my friendships but one friendship fulfilling (I guess I don't get much out of platonic relationships), and I just felt more and more drained as time went on. It hurt every time I would see Jason and leave to go back to college, but I survived. I filled my time with stress and with my best friend at college. Now, we're getting into the reason why I'm here looking for help.
I found out a few days ago that my best friend isn't coming back to college. She was all I looked forward to there. I hated being there and she was the only thing that made it kind of okay. Now I just know I'm going to be alone and miserable. I was supposed to be living with her. Now I'm with three other strangers in a dorm instead of with her. I've just lost all motivation to go to college.
When I left Jason yesterday morning, it was one of the most painful experiences of my entire life. I was kind of okay saying goodbye. I dropped him off at school, he was very kind and reassuring that I'd be okay, and I left. I drove 4 hours to my grandparents' house. I cried a bit in the moment, but the ride was okay. As soon as I got back here, I started sobbing. I felt horrible. I have never been so emotionally distressed in my entire life. I have been feeling like shit for about 28 hours now. I was waking up all night nauseous and miserable. I was sobbing all evening yesterday, and all I wanted was to talk to him and calm down and he couldn't talk to me.
I don't want to go back to college, but it's in a few days. I know there's nothing there for me. I changed my major and I still have 3-4 years left before I finish school and can be where he is (he has a very important job and particular situation and can't leave where he is to come be with me any time soon). It hurts to know I don't have that "We'll be together permanently in a year!" to look forward to. I'm going to see him again in 89 days, for about 5 days. It's just not enough for me. I want to end it now. I want to be with him right now. I wish I could just drop out, but I'd be such a disappointment. I wish I could just go to college in his state, but I couldn't afford to go to school without state financial aid. I'm thinking that maybe I can do this year of school and finish my computer science degree online so I can do it where he is, but I haven't really researched it yet to see if it's feasible.
I'm just not sure if I can handle the distance anymore. I need to be with him. I don't feel sane when I'm so far away from him and his family, because they all just make me so happy and comfortable and I don't have that anywhere else.
If anyone has anything to say to me, anything to suggest relevant to what I mentioned, I would be very grateful. I'm in a very bad place mentally and emotionally and anything helps. I miss him so fucking much and I dread this future without him.
I'm in a very bad place right now, and I don't know anyone else in an LDR, so I'm not sure where else to turn. Maybe I'll look for another forum to post this too, as well, because I am beyond desperate for some advice or reassurance or insight from anyone who thinks that can provide me with absolutely anything.
I'll call my boyfriend Jason. I met Jason about 4 years ago online. We were friends for years, even while I dated other people. I was always very drawn to him, as we talked every single day for hours and hours until we fell asleep and 5 in the morning, and I felt like he really understood me. We would tell each other that we loved each other, even though we weren't dating. We wanted to be together, but he didn't want to date until we met in person. I begged him to meet for years, and when he finally agreed, I bought a plane ticket to go see him. He lives about 250 miles away.
The chemistry was amazing. We met in April of 2016, and then again in June, and then in November, and then in December, and then in March, and then in May. I just spent the entire summer with him, for three whole months. We started dating the day we met, and everything has been wonderful. We work very well together and I love him more and more every single day.
Every time we have parted, I have been upset. I've cried a little bit, but then it fades as I look forward to the future where I can see him next. However, this time was the worst. I left him yesterday morning to go back to my grandparent's home where I used to live (I live with my boyfriend over breaks now) for a couple of days (about a 4 hours drive), before I go back to college on Saturday (a seven hour drive from my boyfriend). I was already set to go to that college before I started dating Jason. I wasn't really that smart, so I kind of just went to the first half decent place that I was accepted to. I wasn't taking into account how far it was from Jason and how painful it would be, yet.
I finished my first year at college, and I'm on to my second. The first year was a bust. It was mentally anguishing and overly challenging. I hated it more than I can begin to explain. I didn't find any of my friendships but one friendship fulfilling (I guess I don't get much out of platonic relationships), and I just felt more and more drained as time went on. It hurt every time I would see Jason and leave to go back to college, but I survived. I filled my time with stress and with my best friend at college. Now, we're getting into the reason why I'm here looking for help.
I found out a few days ago that my best friend isn't coming back to college. She was all I looked forward to there. I hated being there and she was the only thing that made it kind of okay. Now I just know I'm going to be alone and miserable. I was supposed to be living with her. Now I'm with three other strangers in a dorm instead of with her. I've just lost all motivation to go to college.
When I left Jason yesterday morning, it was one of the most painful experiences of my entire life. I was kind of okay saying goodbye. I dropped him off at school, he was very kind and reassuring that I'd be okay, and I left. I drove 4 hours to my grandparents' house. I cried a bit in the moment, but the ride was okay. As soon as I got back here, I started sobbing. I felt horrible. I have never been so emotionally distressed in my entire life. I have been feeling like shit for about 28 hours now. I was waking up all night nauseous and miserable. I was sobbing all evening yesterday, and all I wanted was to talk to him and calm down and he couldn't talk to me.
I don't want to go back to college, but it's in a few days. I know there's nothing there for me. I changed my major and I still have 3-4 years left before I finish school and can be where he is (he has a very important job and particular situation and can't leave where he is to come be with me any time soon). It hurts to know I don't have that "We'll be together permanently in a year!" to look forward to. I'm going to see him again in 89 days, for about 5 days. It's just not enough for me. I want to end it now. I want to be with him right now. I wish I could just drop out, but I'd be such a disappointment. I wish I could just go to college in his state, but I couldn't afford to go to school without state financial aid. I'm thinking that maybe I can do this year of school and finish my computer science degree online so I can do it where he is, but I haven't really researched it yet to see if it's feasible.
I'm just not sure if I can handle the distance anymore. I need to be with him. I don't feel sane when I'm so far away from him and his family, because they all just make me so happy and comfortable and I don't have that anywhere else.
If anyone has anything to say to me, anything to suggest relevant to what I mentioned, I would be very grateful. I'm in a very bad place mentally and emotionally and anything helps. I miss him so fucking much and I dread this future without him.
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